Ultimatums is forcing you, and completely different from setting boundaries. You have been dating for 9 MONTHS you barely know each other. You barley out of high school gain some life experience. If she is so insecure to push marriage this early she’s not ready either, and needs to work on herself.
This! Op I would take her sweet self on a nice Christmas vacation. She should not have to experience her bio dad play family after being abandoned. Take her skiing, to see beautiful Christmas lights, a sleigh ride, a winter ski lodge with indoor ice skating! Anything other than Christmas with your pos brother. I would give the new kid a $20 gift card and it would be mailed or your mother could give it to him. That’s it.
It fucking sucks and I have a good idea what indian parents think. But you need to make your own choices dude and that “log kya kehange” mentality should be put to death.
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Yeah, we're thinking about something like this. It's ridiculous, and it's not even a part of the culture. My parents grew up the same way and that was not their experience. It's hard to tell my gf that her parents just want to offload the expenses onto me and they don't care. They don't even try to have a relationship with me either
He's not just old enough to be your father. He's your manager.
“Personality” is not a green flag. It's been six-ish months. Anyone can keep up a nice guy front that long. BEHAVIOR is where you look for red or green flags. And his behavior is all red.
You are being foolish and thinking like a teenager. Which is pretty normal because you're a teenager. He should know better though. And he probably does, but can't give up the ego boost of a young hottie on his arm.
You probably will not want to believe this, but if you pursue a relationship with him, he will use up some of the most important years for your growth and development in early adulthood, make you miserable, and eventually this will crash and burn. Because you'll outgrow him. Or he'll find a new and exciting source to boost his ego. Whichever comes first.
Ok but I’m his mind it’s not going to work. You are just a place holder. One day you’ll be feeing like you are now and than next you’ll be dumped and he will be dating someone within in his community. You’ll be single and will not.
Imagine that feeling while you waste days growing your love for him
I'm not saying it couldn't work out for you but it's going to seem so wrong to alot of people. I personally stayed away growing up from my parents friends daughters just because of their friendship no matter how into them I was. I know people that have a 10yr gap in between the SOs and work out but there will be so many problems arise that both will have to overcome so you will need to think long and hard about this. I would double and triple check if this is actually worth it.
first off, he is disrespectful and this is borderline abuse, and drunk people are not known to be very well in touch with their body and limits…
But you don't seem the brightest of the bunch either, as pulling out is in no way an effective method and can be considered actively trying for pregnancy. Might as well just cum inside, it does't matter.
She is straight up not respecting your feelings man. You can’t really set a boundary on who she can or can’t talk to, that’s just being controlling.. but you can set a boundary that if she continues to demonstrate that frequent communication with an ex is more important to her than the way it makes you, her current partner, feel, you’re going to have to step back from the situation and let her decide whose feelings she’s more concerned about, and then actually follow through.
If she prioritizes your relationship and respects your feelings on this, great, problem solved. If not, you are better off without her, I promise you.. which doesn’t necessarily mean she’s a cheater or a bad person, but be honest with yourself.. is your insecurity about this going to get better over time, or worse? If it gets worse, will your trust issues become more or less manageable? If they become less manageable, what does that suggest about the likelihood your next relationship will be with someone you feel secure with?
I wish someone had explained these things to me before I went through the worst emotional pain I’ve ever dealt with.. worse than finding friends dead, worse than realizing what happened to me when I was younger.. this shit is cumulative. We’d love to start fresh with each new person, but until we heal, we are not built that way. Failure to set and keep boundaries now will result in progressively less ability to set and keep boundaries, and you will increasingly see yourself allowing people who do not respect you to stay in your life.
One question.. has she known this dude forever? If yes, you are probably gonna have to either accept it or move on
This is manipulation, he wants to “keep you on your toes”. He thinks you'll do more for him, be more submissive, insecure and anxious if you think he has many other options in the world.
The best thing to do is tell him that he is free to take up with those women as you are out.
Or – you can reply back: Jim at the gym, Barry at work, 3 guys from college are still circling. Give him your list of “options”.
It could be possible that he is just clueless. A lot of guys are. He could have just been talking out his ass.
She broke up with you. She’s young and likely not mature enough to say something like, “I think this relationship has run its course and I’m ready to move on to a new chapter in my life.” Don’t analyze her reasons (because as I said, you don’t know if they’re even the real ones) and hear her message: the relationship is over. You already felt that you were drifting apart. Now you know you weren’t the only one feeling it.
I’m sorry it didn’t work out, but keep in mind that most young love does not. People change as they grow and their needs/wants evolve as well. It’s nobody’s fault. Enjoy the memories of your good years, think on them fondly, but follow your ex’s lead and start looking to the future. Best of luck!
Leave him ALONE if you have any maturity at all. You are a walking red flag and if I were him I'd be so worried about you making up like that he made a pass at you or something to make the person he's with jealous.
Maturity isn't realizing you fucked up and desperately apologizing in an attempt to rewind the past.
Maturity is accepting the consequences of your actions and then digging deep to become a better person.
Eww…how old is your oldest daughter?. And is she your daughter's friend?. What would your children and family say when ypu are seeing a woman half your age?.
You want to have young children again in your 50's?.
Or you are simply looking for sex with young woman, with no strings attached?. Anyways, gross.
You painted a bizarre picture that is not what happened at all with OP. If my fiance was feeling needy and wanted a hug I’d oblige even if I wasn’t feeling it in that moment. If I felt that she was pushing my boundaries to the point of making me nervous I would remove myself from the situation and have a talk afterwards.
Just stop equating a hug from your fiance with a situation of desperation where an extreme violent reaction is required or even warranted.
Usually it's something in the phrasing of the resume, formatting, or application form. If you're getting interviews, most people get cut due to how they act, their tone of voice, how their body language is, and the professional level of their speech.
So how much have you gone back to your school's professional assistance program? How much have you talked with their alumni program?
Doing the same wrong things for months on end isn't something to be pointed to as “look how hard I work”.
Yeah she needs to see a doctor. Sounds like she may be on the cluster b spectrum which gives people a high conflict, high drama personality, with an easy to shatter ego and will constantly find something to start something about.
If it were me I'd stop being her friend and wade it out until I could move away, unless therapy can help her so much that she stops being toxic
Hey thank you. This is encouraging as well as pragmatic! I agree. And yes, I’m excited about that possibility of living in another country just for its own sake 🙂
you’ve allowed not only your daughter to damage you marriage but your ex too. your wife now see’s the consequences of not putting her foot down with you before all this. i’m all for kids coming first however you took that to another level by allowing your daughter to push your wife out. yes in an emergency you should drop everything and go running but you’ve been doing this on every occasion. you’ve put your wife last multiple times and now she feels you are never gonna put her or her baby first!
let me be clear. yes you should of stayed and walked your daughter down the aisle but this was probably the last straw for your wife. she’s now sat there thinking about how you’ve always put her last and thinks kelly will be last now too. had you of put boundaries in place to start with your wife would feel more at ease with your decision and see it for what it is.
your daughters mad? for what exactly? you put her first yet again! she is selfish and quite frankly doesn’t sound like a very nice person at all. she not a little kid anymore. you didn’t abandon her and leave her mother. her mother moved her away not you. that was not your fault and if she can’t come to terms with that then you need to take a step back.
you need to set firm boundaries now or you will lose your wife and your baby. you need to start proving yourself to your wife before it’s to late. start by having a frank covasation with your daughter and ask her how long she’s prepared to punish you for her mother moving her away. by the end of that conversation you will know weather she’s prepared to work at your relationship, if not then time to walk away but leave the door open. your daughter is a grown ass woman and doesn’t need you like you baby needs you.
get some mc and ic for your poor wife and keep apologising. you have no idea how terrifying a emergency c-section is. i can’t even begin to imagine how lonely she must of felt at that moment!
He threw in the moms face that he is a diagnosed sociopath and that he got her daughter pregnant and there’s nothing she can do about it. The abortion suggestion is over the line but they should absolutely be more understanding why the mom is panicking. Straight up telling OP to go no contact without an attempt on trying to figure out an alternate is absolutely inappropriate. The fact that all of this is happening after he got her pregnant only makes it more concerning.
Thank you, the worst thing is, is that he’s messaging me like everything is normal, like he doesn’t even realise what he’s said.. I don’t even know why I have been putting up with it.. the young me would hate myself right now
Like I really went through that HORRIBLE PAIN to do something sexy for him and that’s how he responds.
I'd recommend doing things for you, not for someone else. Outside of that, the bar has to be below hell at this point if men can't even say: It looks inflamed, did it hurt a lot? Are you okay? AND IT LOOKS GREAT.
Can you find some regular activity that you enjoy doing together remotely? For example you could watch classic films and then share your thoughts about them. Or you could both join a Discord server on some topic you're both interested in.
I'm sorry this is happening to you ❤️
ugh
If that happened to me, he's for the streets. You deserve better
Ultimatums is forcing you, and completely different from setting boundaries. You have been dating for 9 MONTHS you barely know each other. You barley out of high school gain some life experience. If she is so insecure to push marriage this early she’s not ready either, and needs to work on herself.
Your sister has a point, but it's really not her business.
This! Op I would take her sweet self on a nice Christmas vacation. She should not have to experience her bio dad play family after being abandoned. Take her skiing, to see beautiful Christmas lights, a sleigh ride, a winter ski lodge with indoor ice skating! Anything other than Christmas with your pos brother. I would give the new kid a $20 gift card and it would be mailed or your mother could give it to him. That’s it.
It fucking sucks and I have a good idea what indian parents think. But you need to make your own choices dude and that “log kya kehange” mentality should be put to death.
Truthfully I don’t know if she is; she didn’t invite me herself, my boyfriend told me I was invited. That is also part of my hesitation.
You can be friends. A lot of prospective future boyfriends might not be interested in you and your ex.
for reallllll
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You’re welcome. Enjoy your sanctimony.
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Yeah, we're thinking about something like this. It's ridiculous, and it's not even a part of the culture. My parents grew up the same way and that was not their experience. It's hard to tell my gf that her parents just want to offload the expenses onto me and they don't care. They don't even try to have a relationship with me either
He's not perfect. He's predatory.
He's not just old enough to be your father. He's your manager.
“Personality” is not a green flag. It's been six-ish months. Anyone can keep up a nice guy front that long. BEHAVIOR is where you look for red or green flags. And his behavior is all red.
You are being foolish and thinking like a teenager. Which is pretty normal because you're a teenager. He should know better though. And he probably does, but can't give up the ego boost of a young hottie on his arm.
You probably will not want to believe this, but if you pursue a relationship with him, he will use up some of the most important years for your growth and development in early adulthood, make you miserable, and eventually this will crash and burn. Because you'll outgrow him. Or he'll find a new and exciting source to boost his ego. Whichever comes first.
Tell him he’s a tiny pp man
Ok but I’m his mind it’s not going to work. You are just a place holder. One day you’ll be feeing like you are now and than next you’ll be dumped and he will be dating someone within in his community. You’ll be single and will not.
Imagine that feeling while you waste days growing your love for him
I always marvel how in relationships, two people literally are intimate enough to engage in sex, but scrabble over food
Reading these types of posts make me feel uneasy, why is it always about a men seeing his gf get plowed, i never see the opposite posted.
Get a hobby
I'm not saying it couldn't work out for you but it's going to seem so wrong to alot of people. I personally stayed away growing up from my parents friends daughters just because of their friendship no matter how into them I was. I know people that have a 10yr gap in between the SOs and work out but there will be so many problems arise that both will have to overcome so you will need to think long and hard about this. I would double and triple check if this is actually worth it.
first off, he is disrespectful and this is borderline abuse, and drunk people are not known to be very well in touch with their body and limits…
But you don't seem the brightest of the bunch either, as pulling out is in no way an effective method and can be considered actively trying for pregnancy. Might as well just cum inside, it does't matter.
If you missed a pill, use a condom.
She is straight up not respecting your feelings man. You can’t really set a boundary on who she can or can’t talk to, that’s just being controlling.. but you can set a boundary that if she continues to demonstrate that frequent communication with an ex is more important to her than the way it makes you, her current partner, feel, you’re going to have to step back from the situation and let her decide whose feelings she’s more concerned about, and then actually follow through.
If she prioritizes your relationship and respects your feelings on this, great, problem solved. If not, you are better off without her, I promise you.. which doesn’t necessarily mean she’s a cheater or a bad person, but be honest with yourself.. is your insecurity about this going to get better over time, or worse? If it gets worse, will your trust issues become more or less manageable? If they become less manageable, what does that suggest about the likelihood your next relationship will be with someone you feel secure with?
I wish someone had explained these things to me before I went through the worst emotional pain I’ve ever dealt with.. worse than finding friends dead, worse than realizing what happened to me when I was younger.. this shit is cumulative. We’d love to start fresh with each new person, but until we heal, we are not built that way. Failure to set and keep boundaries now will result in progressively less ability to set and keep boundaries, and you will increasingly see yourself allowing people who do not respect you to stay in your life.
One question.. has she known this dude forever? If yes, you are probably gonna have to either accept it or move on
Also, he could have someone on the side.
Thank you, that means more than you know ❤️
Yes, you are.
Certainly appears she’s losing feelings if not already lost considering the non answers. Prepare for the worst in my opinion.
This is manipulation, he wants to “keep you on your toes”. He thinks you'll do more for him, be more submissive, insecure and anxious if you think he has many other options in the world.
The best thing to do is tell him that he is free to take up with those women as you are out.
Or – you can reply back: Jim at the gym, Barry at work, 3 guys from college are still circling. Give him your list of “options”.
It could be possible that he is just clueless. A lot of guys are. He could have just been talking out his ass.
She broke up with you. She’s young and likely not mature enough to say something like, “I think this relationship has run its course and I’m ready to move on to a new chapter in my life.” Don’t analyze her reasons (because as I said, you don’t know if they’re even the real ones) and hear her message: the relationship is over. You already felt that you were drifting apart. Now you know you weren’t the only one feeling it.
I’m sorry it didn’t work out, but keep in mind that most young love does not. People change as they grow and their needs/wants evolve as well. It’s nobody’s fault. Enjoy the memories of your good years, think on them fondly, but follow your ex’s lead and start looking to the future. Best of luck!
Leave him ALONE if you have any maturity at all. You are a walking red flag and if I were him I'd be so worried about you making up like that he made a pass at you or something to make the person he's with jealous.
Maturity isn't realizing you fucked up and desperately apologizing in an attempt to rewind the past.
Maturity is accepting the consequences of your actions and then digging deep to become a better person.
Oh yeah recover first. I am sorry
Eww…how old is your oldest daughter?. And is she your daughter's friend?. What would your children and family say when ypu are seeing a woman half your age?.
You want to have young children again in your 50's?.
Or you are simply looking for sex with young woman, with no strings attached?. Anyways, gross.
You have a lot of pie-in-the-sky plans, but what have you been doing for the last two years to make your dream and goal a reality?
Good for you. You are the exception not the rule. History repeats because humans don't change.
if she wanted to meet up, she would’ve asked you to meet up. You guys are really far apart in age and it would be weird if you were casual friends.
You painted a bizarre picture that is not what happened at all with OP. If my fiance was feeling needy and wanted a hug I’d oblige even if I wasn’t feeling it in that moment. If I felt that she was pushing my boundaries to the point of making me nervous I would remove myself from the situation and have a talk afterwards.
Just stop equating a hug from your fiance with a situation of desperation where an extreme violent reaction is required or even warranted.
If you don’t mind me asking, who walked you down the aisle?
Exactly… I too keep asking HER thoughts and I have no idea wtf they are.
Then you need to step back and ask what's wrong.
Usually it's something in the phrasing of the resume, formatting, or application form. If you're getting interviews, most people get cut due to how they act, their tone of voice, how their body language is, and the professional level of their speech.
So how much have you gone back to your school's professional assistance program? How much have you talked with their alumni program?
Doing the same wrong things for months on end isn't something to be pointed to as “look how hard I work”.
Yeah she needs to see a doctor. Sounds like she may be on the cluster b spectrum which gives people a high conflict, high drama personality, with an easy to shatter ego and will constantly find something to start something about.
If it were me I'd stop being her friend and wade it out until I could move away, unless therapy can help her so much that she stops being toxic
Hey thank you. This is encouraging as well as pragmatic! I agree. And yes, I’m excited about that possibility of living in another country just for its own sake 🙂
Could extreme levels of stress potentially damage a pregnancy? Yes
You literally just answered it yourself. Just because you're a doctor doesn't mean you know how she will react / take it.
you’ve allowed not only your daughter to damage you marriage but your ex too. your wife now see’s the consequences of not putting her foot down with you before all this. i’m all for kids coming first however you took that to another level by allowing your daughter to push your wife out. yes in an emergency you should drop everything and go running but you’ve been doing this on every occasion. you’ve put your wife last multiple times and now she feels you are never gonna put her or her baby first!
let me be clear. yes you should of stayed and walked your daughter down the aisle but this was probably the last straw for your wife. she’s now sat there thinking about how you’ve always put her last and thinks kelly will be last now too. had you of put boundaries in place to start with your wife would feel more at ease with your decision and see it for what it is.
your daughters mad? for what exactly? you put her first yet again! she is selfish and quite frankly doesn’t sound like a very nice person at all. she not a little kid anymore. you didn’t abandon her and leave her mother. her mother moved her away not you. that was not your fault and if she can’t come to terms with that then you need to take a step back.
you need to set firm boundaries now or you will lose your wife and your baby. you need to start proving yourself to your wife before it’s to late. start by having a frank covasation with your daughter and ask her how long she’s prepared to punish you for her mother moving her away. by the end of that conversation you will know weather she’s prepared to work at your relationship, if not then time to walk away but leave the door open. your daughter is a grown ass woman and doesn’t need you like you baby needs you.
get some mc and ic for your poor wife and keep apologising. you have no idea how terrifying a emergency c-section is. i can’t even begin to imagine how lonely she must of felt at that moment!
He threw in the moms face that he is a diagnosed sociopath and that he got her daughter pregnant and there’s nothing she can do about it. The abortion suggestion is over the line but they should absolutely be more understanding why the mom is panicking. Straight up telling OP to go no contact without an attempt on trying to figure out an alternate is absolutely inappropriate. The fact that all of this is happening after he got her pregnant only makes it more concerning.
Thank you, the worst thing is, is that he’s messaging me like everything is normal, like he doesn’t even realise what he’s said.. I don’t even know why I have been putting up with it.. the young me would hate myself right now
You have all the value BECAUSE you're human. Please Please PLEASE never lose focus you matter.
I'm sorry certain circumstances in your life happened as they did – but you are still valid and valued despite whatever has happened.
If he wants to stay in the marriage, have him watch the kids (maybe not the infant) alone for a few days.
You take a break and visit a relative or something.
Tell him he needs to do more at home taking responsible for his house and children. .
And you can reply that once was enough obviously. He was underwhelmed by her. Thank you for making him realize I'm it for him. Shut the bitch down.
If he fucks up again. No more take backs. He's out!
Like I really went through that HORRIBLE PAIN to do something sexy for him and that’s how he responds.
I'd recommend doing things for you, not for someone else. Outside of that, the bar has to be below hell at this point if men can't even say: It looks inflamed, did it hurt a lot? Are you okay? AND IT LOOKS GREAT.
His mental health is not your responsibility. Call a parent or one of his friends and let them know what is going on.
How can he not know?
They are speaking hours on end on the ohone every evening?
Can you find some regular activity that you enjoy doing together remotely? For example you could watch classic films and then share your thoughts about them. Or you could both join a Discord server on some topic you're both interested in.