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Date: October 4, 2022
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“She was a hard-core alcoholic and her life was a mess.” This sentence says everything. Well, brother, I am so sorry to say this. But, it's time to leave.
you could propose
Crazy how u can really get to a point where u have nothing, it really scares tf out of me
He doesn't want to, and he is trying to make it even more difficult so she won't want to either.
To answer your question directly: no, it is not something to be ashamed of. Everyone moves at a different pace, and that’s okay.
I'm wondering why you want to.work on a relationship when he was committed to someone else as well…. You are young and you still have time to find someone that won't have two long term relationships going at once before your middle aged and won't have to worry about being an old mom, if you choose to have kids. I am not the person who believes cheating ends all relationships, but ones that had a long term relationship is a whole different story.
Too bad because guys like him and you will always live in a vanilla world. Never exploring anything because you guys are too afraid to try anything new. Always thinking what is morally correct,(LOL!!!!!).
What i got of that was…7 hours away… my guy…that shit doesn't work.
Unpopular opinion -You are 24….get your career set…you have plenty of time to have kids vs a 37 year old banging on her biological clock……
Im going in tomorrow to get tested, if it comes back positive I'm just going to cut my losses and drop contact with her. If she really did it im not going to have any more of my life taken up by this
It may be very difficult for her to have romantic pressures coming from someone she thinks of as both a friend and a roommate.
If you really want to do right by her, forget about taking advantage of her hurt feelings by broaching the topic of getting together.
When she is feeling much more together and healed, you might make her aware that you have feelings, but it's still chancy. But definitely don't do it now.
Congratulations, i hope you guys have a happy life together.
And i do get that, and i agree to some level. But i do think that that risk is always kind of there. A successful marriage takes so much effort from both sides and if one or two decide to not put in that effort anymore the risk of feeling bored or like missing out in life will increase. Even if you're married for fifty years that can still happen. But that's my opinion on this and i totally respect that not everyone thinks that way
Good communication and making sure your values align before you commit to a long term relationship.
Crack
The people in here who think it’s sweet are mi’lady men who do the same thing 🙂
Leave the guy alone forever and be better. Move on.
He is jealous and a douche
So he’s starting therapy, in theory. What are YOU doing to ensure you don’t continue behaving in this horrendous way in the future? Are you planning to continue seeing this guy after confessing to his girlfriend?
Many? I don’t know a single woman that has a problem with her man cracking one off. I know many guys that do though.
I hope you let your old friend know what a jerk he was forcing you to meet with your ex right before your wedding. Who does that??
That is utter nonsense.
Sexual compatibility is important. You are already highly incompatible but it will get worse.
Of course you hate that. You are asexual and it stops the fantasy. It’s not important to you but you are unwisely avoiding it for him. He won’t stay understanding for long.
You just made my point and avoided the consequences of it. What happens when you have children and you have even less interest but his sex drive doesn’t decrease. It will hurt the marriage.
You are right about toxic thinking but it’s your thought process that’s the problem and the reasons are demonstrated.
His excuse is bogus. You can love somebody unconditionally and not wanna share your life with them because they’re irresponsible and lazy. Clearly he’s got good skills cause he can get decent jobs. I don’t buy all of that. I just can’t do it therapy didn’t help me. Nothing helps me. He sees her in the wrong field where he doesn’t like it at all or there’s something else going on, but it’s not your problem to fix. As an adult woman you’re gonna wanna be with somebody that can at least match your energy.
Yes, we do have sex most days, but that’s because we both want it. If one doesn’t feel like it, then we don’t. We communicate. And know each other well.
And I don’t constantly get UTIs, which sounds rubbish for you.
All work and no play makes jack a dull boy. All play and no work makes jack a mere toy.
Just tell her! Some women may have a negative reaction but I don't think I'm the only one who finds it kinda cute to be a virgin. Exploring sex for the first time is so fun and exciting, it's such a privilege to get to help someone do that.
No I am not. Despite how poorly my post has come across, it may not be believed that I am the best he has had yet. Not wanting to kiss him has ALL to do with hygiene. He hasn't seen a dentist in 10 years and it is reasonable to set that kind of boundary when it crosses your comfort level. I jave had important discussions with him about it with the message recieved with care and understanding from him. The health of your partner should be important to everyone!
I think the reason for the advice is this: I don’t agree with the notion that a person’s character is defined by their mistakes. Even good people make mistakes.
If you’re going to live a life where there’s no risk that you’ll ever cheat, you’re going to deny yourself a lot. You’ll see people of the opposite sex as a potential risk, and that’s pretty unhealthy.
So you’re going to find yourself is situations that will tempt you and you will navigate those situations well, and then one day you make a mistake. Getting turned on by someone doesn’t mean your relationship is bad. It happens to almost everyone at some point.
So if you’re in a fundamentally good relationship and you’re convinced it’s a one time occurrence that didn’t result in anything, telling your partner will probably only ruin the relationship. And yes, those are consequences of your behavior that you need to accept – but does your partner? Does your partner deserve to have their life upended, to be emotionally destroyed, to have their trust in you and future partners crushed, to have their relationship ruined, because you made a mistake?
If my wife had cheated on me once, I wouldn’t want to know. I would expect her to live with the guilt, to bear that burden alone, to know that she would never have the relief of forgiveness. To take that shit to her grave.
Or, if she couldn’t do that, to just divorce me. I wouldn’t want the temptation to live in a relationship that can never be the same, with trust issues even if I had forgiven her.
That’s my view at least.
This. “Who will she have?” She has a husband. She has sons. She has friends HER OWN AGE. It is completely inappropriate for a parent to make their child into a confidant. That's not normal and it's not acceptable for a parent-child relationship
Sorry but you sound exhausting. How have you supported him in HIS stressful time? It sounds like it's all about you you you — even though he's going through a serious life issue you still want all the reassurance and attention. He is “distant” because he is worried, depressed, angry with himself, etc. And your response is “waaah your mood is affecting me and I want more attention”.
You need to get a grip on this. If you want to drive someone away, this is how you do it.
talk to your therapist about learning to filter your anxious thoughts from rational concerns. Instead of voicing genuine, valid feelings and thoughts to him, you’re just constantly voicing every insecurity that goes through your head.
HOLY CRAP yes of course you break this off. Do not contact her again. Block her on everything. If you were with her and got stopped, if she had anything on her you could also get arrested. You are not responsible for helping her quit. She must do that on her own.
YOU WOULD BE CRAZY TO CONTACT HER AGAIN.
I would never marry anyone I hadn't lived with at least for a year. Everything can change. As long as you are living in two different places there's always the easy option of going there or keeping a lid on things until you get distance. This has a huge effect on how smaller and bigger problems are handled. Mentally it's totally different. And every small and big thing that comes when you live with someone is totally different once you live together. It's mentally an entire different world when x happens at your place or his, or when it's both of your homes. Basic compatibility comes into play in many different ways then while living apart. I really don't understand your hesitance about finding this stuff out. And why exactly would it dilute marriage in any way. Marriage is much more than just living together, it's a promise on being there through hards and lows. And if you are worried about him leaving you for something petty is he even the right one for you or should you go to counseling? If he wants to leave you due to plates then a marriage will hardly make it better? Or are you hiding something and hoping he will forgive it when it's harder to leave?
Fk dude you gotta get out of this situation if not just do one thing for me get up drive to her house when you get to the door don't knock or go inside just get on your knees then lay down right in front of the doorway she needs a doormat and that's what your letting her do . Use you as a door mat she could care less about you right now she doesn't care if you are there or at your place because what's going to happen if it hasn't already some guy is going to hit on her she has a buzz and is going to end up sleeping with some guy . Happens all the time then if you find out she will blame it on the alcohol . But yeah you either need to just tell her that your done with this bull shit or you are going to leave and not come back or call you are moving on at least it's only 3 years with her and every day you keep . Staying there and not saying anything or putting your foot down it's not going to stop .
Thank you, this is really helpful
Girl, just go. Are you ever really going to trust him after this?
Yee, this is cause for your wife to divorce you. Seriously? Threatening her and you think she is in the wrong? Why didn’t you file charges against her for assault since she spit on you?
But think about this: who did you run to when you were in need? Clearly not your gf.
So the not so ex gets the mentally ill, liar, and cheater you. Then when things are looking up again you run back to the gf.
You know what? I think you should choose your gf, you deserve each other. Just don't come back here crying in a couple of years because this young sexy thing baby trapped you and is sucking you dry.
I'm not saying your ex is perfect, but man she deserves better than being treated like this. I feel sorry for her, and for your kids with you for their father.
That's true. So…good luck!
I'm not giving people who rode the short bus to school the time of day.
And STDs. Has she been checked. Sounds like she wants you to do it raw, and then oops looks like my pill didn’t work…
To each their own!
And yeah, that's probably a good assumption– it's probably regional and/or cultural to a fair degree.
He’s cheating. Stop sending your child somewhere you don’t know. Stop being so reckless with hers and your life. He doesn’t love you. You don’t trust him. Move on.
Well I never thought she might have pocket the money. I have seen the shop and knew it was running tight at the end. Who would intentionally run out of business? Just doesn't sound rational to me.
Bipolar causes wild connections- it eventually leads to word salad if untreated. The person is saying words that make no sense to anyone but her.
Leave now. There are so many red flags for this person and that they shouldn’t be in your life.
Drove drunk on a motorcycle and which could’ve gotten you both as well as other harmed or killed on top of being illegal. I’m not surprised you going the extra mile to make him feel special on his birthday , he sounds like a shitty partner and petty asshole that no one should put effort into being kind to.
Your saftey and happiness don’t matter to them obviously please leave for your own self preservation.
I’d leave this relationship if it were me.
If you aren’t doing that, I would insist that the chore contributions match the financial ones – if he’s paying 80% of the bills, he does 20% of the chores, and vice versa. I’d make a weekly chore spreadsheet where, every day, you initial any chore you’ve completed. Then, when he says you aren’t pulling your weight, I’d refer to the sheet. Point out that you’re doing 100% of the chores despite the fact that you contribute x% to finances. He can make vague accusations, but data doesn’t lie.
But yeah – once you get to the point that you have to do that, you’re dealing with someone who is emotionally abusive, and it’s time to leave.
Did she say it was why?
Appreciate and embrace the stability that it brings with it. You're still young and have time for new adventures together and apart if you only look for them. Need to also understand why it was so exciting, you were 20 (?) When you met, and this is your 1st love , it's pretty close to being a teenager, every emotion is emplified. Be greatful for this experience as it's very rare, look to those days thinking this was so fun and block any thoughts of comparison
How can you see what other communities they engage in? This is their only post.
Bye
In person, ASAP, with honest words.
So you're married to one of two people and neither of them is good. My running theory is that your husband is A a hyper manipulative narcissistic douche. Option b is that your husband has serious mental issues and needs serious therapy irregardless I'd say distance yourself from him for your safety
she looked like a monster
Beats actually being a monster like you.
ONLY once a day? Honey we’re lucky if we do it once a week lol. Is this really the guy you want around during illnesses, pregnancy, etc.?
Are the pictures of you pictures that you sent him, or ones somehow acquired otherwise?
Oh gosh leave him
Look, bear in mind you may change your mind on a few years once the child is a bit older and all of this fades into a sleep deprived haze.
It's also likely that she'll stop being so mental about it once the hormones/sleep deprivation goes away.
That said you need to talk through this to avoid having it spiral. It's also advisable that she gets evaluated for PND given how emotionally she reacted to thus just in case (hormonal driven depression in particular can express itself in this kind of hyper dramatic perception). Try couples counselling to facilitate the conversation and ask her to see her doctor about just getting checked for PND.
this account of OP's is a sleeper bot probably, a year old but nothin on it except for posts ONLY on this subreddit
She’s probably insecure. You need to be able to have alone time and personal hobbies – most partners innately understand this.
Try talking to her about why she doesn’t want you to go to the gym BEYOND ‘cutting into your time together’. If she doesn’t tell you anything you could try asking her if she’s worried about you meeting people at the gym. She might mention that she doesn’t understand why you need to go to the gym if she’s already attracted to your body.
Assure her that you’re attracted to her. Try to make her understand all the health aspect that keep you going back to the gym. Tell her it makes you feel confident in yourself & that you can only be the best partner for her if you like yourself.
I promise you it’s more than a time thing.
She needs to see a psychiatrist, and she should know that, because she’s a social worker. If she’s already seeing one, I’d bet she’s not being completely honest with them. Or that this is more of more a manipulation tactic, than the result of some sort of anxiety/trigger. It’s not an unusual manipulation tactic for people to cry if they don’t get their way, and a spousal disagreement seems to be one of the more common situations where this can occur. The vomiting could be an extreme example of this, or it could be related to the anxiety. That being said, I can relate, as I also suffer from anxiety and panic disorder and have for a long time. That being said, I’m inclined to believe that your wife is doing this in a manner to be manipulative. That’s not to say there couldn’t be other potential causes, and you should look into all of them. But that’s my personal opinion, if it weren’t for the crying, I’d be more inclined to think it was anxiety related. However, the crying is a common tactic for some people when they don’t get their way, most people grow out of this in childhood, but not all do.
They key to all of this, is that she’s “fine” when she gets her way. Sure, it could be a “learned” behavior of some kind, but either way, it’s origins lie in manipulation, IMO.
You don’t sound mature enough to be in a relationship.
Well I never claimed that she didn't make any mistakes either.
And try not to claim my opinion as “arm-chair quarterbacking” in an effort to diminish its quality when we're all commenting on situations were weren't there for. All we can do is “arm-chair quarterback” so to call it that is only in a effort to demean one's opinion.
That aside… You seem to be taking the stance that nothing needs to change here, he did fine and his wife needs to deal. I wonder how that's gonna work out.
My stance is things need to change moving forward and if put in a similar position, he could do A B or C to get a better outcome between him and his wife.
With that perspective, do you still wanna hold your opinion?
Exactly!
3 days a week is reasonable. Perhaps next time you're over ask him to show you the game. If you engage him in his interests then he might appreciate it.
I suppose. I'd rather my wife not tell me about every person she happens to find attractive. We tell each other sometimes (celebrities or whatever) but not every person. We're human but we're also loyal to each other. It's fine.
I wouldn't speak to her or your dad again.
I'm not sure why you're asking this. You're implying that there is something wrong with me for doing so. When friends send each other sex toys as gifts. Maybe to you there is something wrong with it. But everyone isn't the same.
Forget the drugs. You didn’t need to mention that. The focus should be on you finding out a side of your ex that was completely different from how you knew him. You were right to do what you did. The whole porn thing came out of nowhere. And social anxiety is something quite a bit of people deal with.
Be glad he is gone.
I pretty sure that the son and DIL talked about it. I think the DILs mother is considering moving there too. If that happens, I wonder how all that will work out, I hope it does all work out for benefit of the grandchild.
Thanks for the reply
You won't be able to figure out out. What we know as compassion and kindness just doesn't exist there. Even if they look like they are being compassionate or kind, it's just an act to get what they need. Sometimes the act is even to fool themselves. Shut the doors, take your own life and energy in your hands, and move on without them.
Yep Mr Stable husband stay at home pay the bills and do laundry while she’s at the Marriott with her Bull
Good for you! I wish you luck and success.
Ah. Press the middle word til you form a complete sentence.
He's an asshole, he sounds really manipulative
You should stay together bc no one deserves either of you.
So…don’t. Simple not easy.
The reference is to a Montreal jazz musician. And it's funny that you are calling me stubborn. Yes I can be stubborn. Obviously you are too. Pot and kettle there.
My mother put me in this exact position. I never said a word to my father. But he knew anyway… I took the view to not get involved in my parents marriage. I have no regrets and would do the same again
Came here to say this. Good luck.
Thank you for your service.