Everyone is different there. For instance, people in polyamorous relationships would disagree with the ‘you’ve only got one partner,’ because some people are capable of maintaining romantic feelings for more than one person at once, while their partners do likewise.
Have you ever looked into the different love languages? Not getting you a well thought out or expensive gift doesn't inherently mean he doesn't care, like you said, he treats you well day to day. If my girlfriend wrote exactly what you wrote, and showed it to me, I would actually just tell her not to buy me expensive gifts. I understand and appreciate that they do it to show they care, but I'm just not that type of person.
My version of love language is more acts of service. Calling her and telling her I'm at the store and asking her if she wants anything while I'm there. I'll put aside time to be with her on a special occasion, but I'm more likely to ask her what she wants to do, than to plan something for her. If she called me upset at 2am, I would ask her if she wanted me to come over, or I would stay up and talk to her till she felt okay. If she was sick, I would take care of her. For Christmas or her birthday I'll get her a gift, but I would specifically ask for a list of gifts she wants.
You seem very focused on how much money you spent as an indication of how much you care, but have you ever asked him if he wants gifts? Maybe there's something else he would appreciate more. You guys should seriously take a look at the different love languages and use it as a guide to communicate with each other on the best way to show affection to one another.
We’ve been on multiple trips the last 3 years that I’ve enjoyed. She has a good career that is financial stable (nursing), comes from a good family and has wants to have a family like I do. I often see her 1-2 times a week typically, but we usually talk daily (these phone calls happen when I’m in the gym or in the shower). I try my best to efficiently multitask but now this stress comment she made has been consuming a lot of my time the past 1-2 hours because it’s hitting me all at once how she was never really stressed about her last job, it’s just working in general.
You can't just claim everything as an opinion. It would be fair for me to say “he's worried she'll be hotter than him and will leave him, so he's going to do it first to avoid the embarrassment.” I don't know what your motivations are, so how is it fair to say something like that?
Or, if you so strongly believe that it's all just opinion, why can't I have mine about thinking you shouldn't assume her motivations?
To me supporting and motivating a decision also involves being realistic about it, and supplying information about the costs and benefits so someone has considered all possible outcomes before attempting that decision. I don't think it ever helps anyone to not plan ahead for the potential that their action might not work how they think it will.
You yourself said “if it did get worse, we move.” That's exactly what I'm saying – you have to plan ahead in case it does get worse.
This 38 year old woman has been there before… many times and many times I went about it wrong and got stuck for many more years…
You ghost him: block him on everything, change your number , leave only a note explaining briefly why you left and that you want zero contact or will get a restraining order (so that he doesn't feign to friends/family/police that youre missing or youve been kidnapped so that they contact you for him) and then thats it. Then you do not ever relent or look back. You have to be as boring and inaccessible as possible, have witnesses around you if possible, always. Why?
Well, leaving is dangerous with these ones. Im sure again you say but Why?
Read into BPD and the other cluster b personality disorders like NPD and APD. This is textbook — its what they all do. An endless push and pull, “I love you so much! I hate you, you're the worst! Fuck you… no please dont leave me — Ill do anything!”. Trust me, it wont stop or get better and it'll take years of therapy to see any improvement. This comes from trauma as a child. You cant fix it so get out while you can. The endless manipulations also never stop. You have to trust me, this is the best way to get away cleanly.
Make sure you warn any mutual aquiantences that you want absolutely nothing told to you about him nor to him about you or you will also cut contact with them. Be ready to mean it. Be ready for restraining orders and moving away and taking steps to ensure he can not get your address. Its hard but its possible. And fyi, they almost never actually follow thru with the self dying. Its a manipulation tactic that works on most with codependency. That said, if for some reason you can't make a clean break and he gets through your wall and he plays that card, thats when you inform the police and let them handle it. That way your conscious in clean and thr manipulation wont work. It also usually clears it up once and for all!
Good luck and let me know if you need any other tips. Im a pro at this shit!
Everyone is different there. For instance, people in polyamorous relationships would disagree with the ‘you’ve only got one partner,’ because some people are capable of maintaining romantic feelings for more than one person at once, while their partners do likewise.
Have you ever looked into the different love languages? Not getting you a well thought out or expensive gift doesn't inherently mean he doesn't care, like you said, he treats you well day to day. If my girlfriend wrote exactly what you wrote, and showed it to me, I would actually just tell her not to buy me expensive gifts. I understand and appreciate that they do it to show they care, but I'm just not that type of person.
My version of love language is more acts of service. Calling her and telling her I'm at the store and asking her if she wants anything while I'm there. I'll put aside time to be with her on a special occasion, but I'm more likely to ask her what she wants to do, than to plan something for her. If she called me upset at 2am, I would ask her if she wanted me to come over, or I would stay up and talk to her till she felt okay. If she was sick, I would take care of her. For Christmas or her birthday I'll get her a gift, but I would specifically ask for a list of gifts she wants.
You seem very focused on how much money you spent as an indication of how much you care, but have you ever asked him if he wants gifts? Maybe there's something else he would appreciate more. You guys should seriously take a look at the different love languages and use it as a guide to communicate with each other on the best way to show affection to one another.
Run
Ok so make a comment to do them…or to the OP…why you bothering me with your nonsense
We al form a different relationship with alcohol. You need to respect her decision and think about why she came to that conclusion herself.
We’ve been on multiple trips the last 3 years that I’ve enjoyed. She has a good career that is financial stable (nursing), comes from a good family and has wants to have a family like I do. I often see her 1-2 times a week typically, but we usually talk daily (these phone calls happen when I’m in the gym or in the shower). I try my best to efficiently multitask but now this stress comment she made has been consuming a lot of my time the past 1-2 hours because it’s hitting me all at once how she was never really stressed about her last job, it’s just working in general.
Have you asked her her motivations?
You can't just claim everything as an opinion. It would be fair for me to say “he's worried she'll be hotter than him and will leave him, so he's going to do it first to avoid the embarrassment.” I don't know what your motivations are, so how is it fair to say something like that?
Or, if you so strongly believe that it's all just opinion, why can't I have mine about thinking you shouldn't assume her motivations?
That's not going to happen to OP. No prosecutor will ever bring this before a court, on account of there being absolutly no evidence.
This is not a healthy relationship dynamic to model for your children
Exactly and OP doesn't see just how much damage that could do to someone.
To me supporting and motivating a decision also involves being realistic about it, and supplying information about the costs and benefits so someone has considered all possible outcomes before attempting that decision. I don't think it ever helps anyone to not plan ahead for the potential that their action might not work how they think it will.
You yourself said “if it did get worse, we move.” That's exactly what I'm saying – you have to plan ahead in case it does get worse.
Have a nice day as well! 🙂
Sounds like a total shitberg. You can do better.
This 38 year old woman has been there before… many times and many times I went about it wrong and got stuck for many more years…
You ghost him: block him on everything, change your number , leave only a note explaining briefly why you left and that you want zero contact or will get a restraining order (so that he doesn't feign to friends/family/police that youre missing or youve been kidnapped so that they contact you for him) and then thats it. Then you do not ever relent or look back. You have to be as boring and inaccessible as possible, have witnesses around you if possible, always. Why?
Well, leaving is dangerous with these ones. Im sure again you say but Why?
Read into BPD and the other cluster b personality disorders like NPD and APD. This is textbook — its what they all do. An endless push and pull, “I love you so much! I hate you, you're the worst! Fuck you… no please dont leave me — Ill do anything!”. Trust me, it wont stop or get better and it'll take years of therapy to see any improvement. This comes from trauma as a child. You cant fix it so get out while you can. The endless manipulations also never stop. You have to trust me, this is the best way to get away cleanly.
Make sure you warn any mutual aquiantences that you want absolutely nothing told to you about him nor to him about you or you will also cut contact with them. Be ready to mean it. Be ready for restraining orders and moving away and taking steps to ensure he can not get your address. Its hard but its possible. And fyi, they almost never actually follow thru with the self dying. Its a manipulation tactic that works on most with codependency. That said, if for some reason you can't make a clean break and he gets through your wall and he plays that card, thats when you inform the police and let them handle it. That way your conscious in clean and thr manipulation wont work. It also usually clears it up once and for all!
Good luck and let me know if you need any other tips. Im a pro at this shit!