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Meg — Hercules, y.o.
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Date: October 1, 2022
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please for you kids don't stay with this woman. I was raised by a woman who had this attitude and it was a traumatic experience. She treated my stepbrother like gold and verbally abused me pretty much constantly. My relationship with my father is permanantly damaged because I'll never be comfortable around him due to him allowing my stepmother to make my life an utter hell for 6 years.
it will only get worse. My stepmother tolerated my sister and I when her and my dad were dating. just tolerated, even then you could tell she wasn't happy about it. then once they married she became constantly verbally abusive, and would come down on us super hard for every minor mistake we made. The thing is, she could never see us as individuals, to her we were a reminder that my father was married to another woman and had children with her.
Your gf has already stated that she feels the same way. Choose your kids over her, please.
No, she does not.
Ha I fuckin knew it
What if he wishes she never got pregnant so he had his chance with her
Some people are very cynical and selfish.
Don’t contact him again. Just block and delete him out of your life.
Who tf is saying it’s normal lol
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Sadly OP, she’s made her mind up. She’s almost certainly already identified her target if she’s not already actively cheating. You can’t nice her out of this.
The first and most important thing is that you don’t get involved in doing the ’Pick me Dance’. (Google it). You can never win doing this. You are undermining your own position and value at every turn. Basically, no one places any value on something that they can have for free and at any time. No one !
At the moment and for whatever reason, she thinks that she can force this through and, if it fails, you (Mr Plan B) will be there to provide her with a fall back position. Also, this is not going to be a ‘one off’ thing. Once established it will be friends, work colleagues, family, randoms. You name it.
You’ve got to snatch that safety net away. Make her see in very clear HD exactly what the repercussions are going to be. First off employ the Grey Rock method. Consult a lawyer (whether you intend to follow through or not). Tell her that you need to discuss her decision with her parents as it will affect their grandchildren and their rights.
She will try anything to get the situation back under her control. Don’t weaken. She will almost certainly take any ongoing or future affair underground. So you’ve got to be on the lookout for signs. This situation is not a temporary blip OP. This is now your life. Good luck.
When I was younger I would have forgiven it. I did. And both times ended up divorcing anyway because they never made an effort to fix anything. They were convinced it was my fault they cheated.
Either way, i hate to say it, but maybe they should end the relationship. This is going to take a huge mental toll on her
Young for today's standards. People are having kids in their mid 30s nowadays
I’m sorry this happened to you. I hope that you’re able to find some peace in the next few weeks.
Don’t know if I need a lawyer as she is very wealthy and I have nothing.
Yes. You need a lawyer. Fight for yourself. If nothing else, get a lawyer to help protect yourself from her lawyer if she turns vindictive.
Land blasted? You mean lambasted???
Is one of the reasons she's scared is that using condoms or you getting a vasectomy means she's not in control of the means of contraception? I'm a guy, but I imagine having a pregnancy scare and being pressure to keep it like that would make her want to be in control of the birth control.
I'm not saying she doesn't trust you. Just that she needs to be the one doing it for her well being. Has she looked into cervical cups at all? That might give her the confidence to go ahead with sex using condoms since she'd know the cup was in place in case the condom broke or something.
I think what needs to happen is the conversation “What would let you feel it's safe for us to have sex?” It's not blaming her for her feelings. It's not saying she needs to change–that's why it says “let you feel” and not “make you feel”. It's also open to the answer being “nothing” at which point which shifts it to you two deciding how or if the relationship can work.
He just said he didn’t have money but Ik he does cuz he told me his parents got him birthday money ??
No you shouldn't. Be polite. Be kind. Tell her you are going to take a step back as requested then do it. Don't initiate any convo for seven days. It will help you gain clarity. And don't be passive aggressive about it, if you care about this person you have to realize that this maybe the end of the relationship or they just need you to do what they are asking.
Great advice!
This is what happens when you are too wishy-washy about an important subject like kids.
“I was very clear about not wanting kids in the near future but keeping an open mind.”
Well that isn’t all that clear. It means you don’t want kids but would consider it in the future. It doesn’t mean you don’t want kids now but definitely want kids in the future.
It sounds like you both played this middle ground when you really knew what you wanted.
You knew you wanted kids in the future but started more in the “open to thinking about it camp” so as to not scare her off if she wasn’t sure. She knew she didn’t want kids in the future but started in the “open” camp to not make you leave over the disagreement.
A word of advice from someone who just had a kid this last year and who has always been clear on wanting to have a kid. You’re not going to “reconsider it in the future” in five to seven years. You’re 26 years old. If you don’t want kids you aren’t going to want them (this doesn’t mean you want them immediately, but at some point). If you want kids in the future you’re going to want kids in the future. It sounds like you’re more in that second boat but don’t know how to express that.
You’re not talking about wanting kids in a few years. You’re talking about thinking about reconsidering your position in five to seven years.
What’s going to happen in 5 or 7 years when you’re 31/32 and she’s 32/33 and you decide you do want kids? You’ve wasted your time on a relationship that isn’t going to work. You’ve also wasted her time knowing what her position is. Do you want to end up in a relationship where one partner resents the other for not changing their mind? Or worse a relationship where you do have a kid where it is clear one person didn’t
I hope that you will do nothing but waste your life from now on then.
I know it has nothing to do with ADHD, sorry I formulated that poorly.
You don't deserve the job you have at all, you definitely don't deserve to have access to children whose father you have maligned with venom on a repeated basis and you don't deserve sympathy from anyone else for your actions.
You have learned nothing from the death of your sister and it seems like you learned less than nothing in persuing your licence in social work.
You act like you should just be let do what you want with no consequences, your attitude is appalling, you accept no responsibility for what you've done and let's face it with that attitude you'd likely do it again and try and destroy his relationship with his children. There isn't any apology in the world I would actually believe from you either and I hope he doesn't either but that's not going to happen because you still see yourself as the victim when you've been the BULLY.
Start working on doing better in your relationships and being a better person
This is the way. No mercy!
I was just thinking this
Sorry to hear that happened, but I think you handled it really well! This is great practice for having tough conversations in the future, and you did a great job!!
Your baggage isn’t universal. Projecting it onto “modern men and women” is just a coping mechanism you’re using to feel less alone.
I mean, it's simple – no sex until she respects your right to want to prevent anything unplanned.
I wouldn't go as far as to say she's trying to get pregnant by relying on this method (although it is possible), but it's certainly not right that she's trying to keep you from doing what you need to do for your peace of mind.
I don't think it was rude, a little short maybe but it's understandable. Seems like an overreaction on her part, I mean you weren't even in the door all the way so what was she expecting.
You spoke and the friend responded, just because you weren't looking at the friend when you spoke doesn't mean you were rude. I suffer from severe migraines so if I come home from work with one the only thing you'll get out of me is “I'm going to lay down before I vomit” I won't be looking at you. I couldn't care less who's in my house at the time so long as they're quiet. I'm also not going to wait around for anyone to respond, I'm dropping my crap while walking to my room getting in my bed and putting a pillow over my head and passing out.
I can't tell you what to say to make her get over it because there's not a magic phrase that works on all women but she'll get over it. It shouldn't take long but I don't know her, you could try showing her the comments saying she overreacted (because she did) if you think that would help. Good luck OP.
Cheater and asshole can both be used unisex and even if you classify douche bag as offensive its no where near the level of cum dumpster.
It could be worse, I'll often rush in straight to the toilet (I have few opportunities for a toilet break all day), sometimes for a loud, reeking dump. I don't want to walk out of there going “I'd give it a year or two before going in there” to be told the priest was there the whole time. “More tea vicar? One lump or two?”
A little pre-warning text is all that is required to head off social awkwardness at the pass.
I want you to read through this conversation and point out where I said she should stay with him.
You are having a very different conversation, maybe with the wrong person, but I have no idea why you're bringing up staying in a bad relationship.
“More details in DM”- if you want people to help you you need to be open about the story here. You mention arguing a lot but not what the arguments were about. Has she communicated to you why she is still considering breaking up and what exactly she isn't happy about?
The silent treatment is typically considered emotional abuse so like that is what he’s doing. All because his little ego got an ouchie.
What you're missing is probably proper closure.
In order for your to move on and not have regrets, maybe tell him how you feel and that you would like to keep contact as a friend.
Why doesn’t see work?
You probably shouldn't be dating until you're no longer living with your ex.
Yes it's a major red flag that he wants to be committed that soon. The relationship is guaranteed to not turn out well.
What does he do that's too harsh?