All you can do is tell your friend that he won't be part of group text messages where people talk about private things, and that is HIS decision. You don't know his girlfriend of 4 months as well as you know the rest of the group, nor did you choose to befriend her and bring her in. Of course you don't want her reading messages that are about private issues.
Sure you can still invite him to things and use text messages to communicate normal things- how was your day, congrats on X, whatever- but he cannot expect the group to just include his girlfriend in private conversations.
Tell your friend and his girlfriend- they get to decide if they want to read each other's text messages, and YOU get to decide what kind of text messages you send to people. The GF saying you shouldn't care if nothing “dodgy” is going on is remarkably ignorant- or intentionally manipulative because of course that isn't true. I have friends I will tell my relationship issues, and some I don't tell as much. That can be because of trust, longevity of friendship, prior history, the advice they give, relationship with my partner, etc. She doesn't get to decide that it is fine if she gets in on personal conversations.
Tell the friend he is making his own choice here, and by the way if he says she isn't reading them anymore, of course don't believe him.
You've asked him not to when you've taken ambien. He says he can't tell that you've taken it. But he also knows you take it every night. So which is it? Unless you take the meds at a completely different time every night to the point he has legitimate reaosn to not be able to track when you've taken it, I'm not finding much incentive to believe he's doing things unintentionally.
Relationships take two people (sometimes 3 or more but thats a different sub) and if it seems one sided , than it time to learn that there are more than one soulmate out there for everyone.
What an awful situation you’re in! “You don’t make me feel like a man” is a red flag to me. Why is it your responsibility to make him feel like a man. That’s totally his responsibility to feel what he feels. If he flips out because you say he takes too long — that’s also on him. At the same time you married a guy and had his kid knowing you were not all that sexually compatible. There are lots of ways to have sex. He doesn’t have to come every time. And neither do you. I wonder if there’s another issue in the relationship that makes him unattractive to you. If there is, it sounds like he can’t hear it. You can’t control what he can or can’t tolerate hearing. If you’re asking for permission to leave him, go for it. Single parenthood is not for everyone. But neither is living with someone whom you feel inattracted To.
you’ve got this. it’s gonna be a long road but it’s a doable road. i have all the faith that it will all be okay in the end, and one day you will hope she finds someone to make her happy, even though the thought of that now is absolutely crippling.
As a man I would say go find your own sanity right now. Ground yourself in what makes sense. She may be in heavy pregnancy brain and it may be permanent. Either way you get to make a decision. Despite what she is doing are you willing to be there for your child? That kid is going to need you. If she makes it impossible for you to father then you might need to consider pursuing “fathers rights” for now observe, document, support and distance.
Sorry, but unless she is completely over him, which is doubtful because it sounds like he was her first love, you are either going to lose her as a friend or your friendship will change (and not in a positive way).
I would say be prepared to lose her friendship as you chose to pursue a relationship with him. Not only that, you pursued the relationship without talking to her first. Not to sound harsh, but it kind of sounds like you didn’t/don’t really care about how she would feel and you only seem worried about dealing with the aftermath.
He doesn’t get the fact that many (most?) cultures in the world equate feeding people as an expression of love, comfort, or hospitality. Sounds like it didn’t work that way in his household growing up. How often do you walk into someone’s house and the first thing they do is offer you something to drink or something to eat? You keep doing you. Make him aware that he’s the odd man out here. It’s not about compliments, it’s about comfort and love.
Could you two take a cooking class together? Pick out some recipes on Allrecipes.com or in a cook book and cook together? Get one of the meal prep services for one dish a month?
Or maybe leave the grilling to him and you prep the sides?
I dunno. My partner would grill something every night for dinner and that would be that if I weren’t around. No side, just meat. He eats a salad at lunch and calls it good. So I hear you. I enjoy cooking and do the majority of it. He actually can make some pretty good stuff but it’s one pot kind of thing—no juggling stovetop space or oven temps or coordinating so everything is done at the same time. That’s a skill he just doesn’t have.
Me personally I wouldn’t keep dating him bc to me that’s pretty much cheating but if you really wanna stay with him you might have to just accept that he does that if you already told him you don’t like it and he’s not stopping
I never thought about the possibility of the 21 year old getting pregnant or the money he may spend after all the years of not contributing financially
Helping your kid to buy their other parent a gift for Christmas, birthdays, and mother's/father's day are a part of parenting. It's a perfectly normal thing to do. Your girlfriend is letting her jealousy get the better of her. She doesn't sound like step-mom material.
I'm gonna put this in the nicest way possible. I wouldn't have high expectations in trying to achieve what you're trying to achieve. I'm not the guy that's what you're trying to achieve in my relationship either. I try, but I'm not. I think you probably need that guy if you guys are in therapy (yikes) over it.
My girl and I connect in different ways, but because I'm not good at small talk or validation, we don't really attempt it, and it's pretty unfair of you to expect a person without that personality to be that person.
Get a friend, girl/guy whatever that is able to be that person if you're unwilling to reconcile that he won't be that guy for you, because guys like him, like me, won't change drastically to accomodate you, unfortunately.
OP look at it this way, if the roles were reversed, (he was the one who wanted to fuck, and you just wanted to talk, and then left when he tried to kiss you) everyone would be telling you that you dodged a bullet, that he was probably a sexual predator, and if he contacts you again to call the police.
Now remember that the roles are not reversed, that just like you do, he has the right to control what happens with his own body, and just because you had sex the day before, doesn’t mean that you get access to his body the next day.
No one ever cares about the crime they're competing until they get caught and they go to jail and lose their girlfriend their wife their children then they want to be on the phone every f****** hour of every day trying to get you to come up and put money on their books and come visit them. No I never visited nobody in jail but I had a lot of girlfriends and family members who did that was one thing I did not do I'm not visiting you if you go to jail so sad too bad
I would be very uncomfortable with a gf trying to police my friends. This would be something I would break up with someone over. I have friends that are not ambitious, they are happy to be involved with their jobs, and home projects. I don't judge them to be less than because of their choices, and would have a problem with those who do.
Spending time with friends one day a week is not terrible, especially when you are not married and have no children. Even then it isn't a problem unless he neglects his responsibilities elsewhere.
You and your husband may love each other very much but that doesn't change the fact that he's either asexual or gay. You can't counsel it away and he can't either. You need to do what you need to do to accept this and move on.
There is someone out there who will love you, body and soul, but this guy ain't it.
I have pet lizards and keep some of their cool sheds (some people make jewelry pieces out of it). Luckily I have a partner who enjoys my quirkiness. Sounds like this guy isn't the right guy for you, and that's ok. There will be someone else out there who embraces your quirkiness too.
I mean honestly yes if you're looking for something serious. If it's just casual and both adults are aware of that then no not such a huge deal. Im not a casual dater. I make it clear from the get go I want no children and if the person I'm seeing does, boom, we are incompatible. If someone is dead set on biological children and they meet someone who can't have biological children (man or woman whatever) or they don't want biological children, boom incompatible. Best to get it out of the way sooner rather than later if you're only looking for a serious relationship
I ended the conversation and everything at that moment because he was about to head out with his friends and if I’m slightly upset or if he’s slightly upset when he’s about to, he accuses me of ruining his time. I have tried to talk to him about it but he got all “you don’t care about me” and it’s like wtf how is checking my phone for 10 seconds not caring about you when I literally said everything you had said and when you literally go on your phone all the time when I’m talking?
Thank you for the comment. You think it's an abuse tactic when he blames me? He rarely blames me for anything when he's sober, but indeed, when he drinks, that's what happens. But I do think going to his apartment that he owns without informing him, I did overstep some boundaries.
He’s given no proof that he’s willing to make changes if he’s still lying to you. Making a change is hugely difficult. Think about a small habit you have that you try to break… biting nails, leaving lights on, little innocent things that doesn’t blow thousands of dollars at a time. It takes so much effort to even get out of those habits. Do you really think he’s willing to change?
Your partner telling you he won’t do it again is just lip service. Empty and not backed with any tangible plan. Giving him another chance is just setting yourself up for the same story, same ending, same disappointment.
Once you are married, it’s not easy to legally leave. If you end up with kids and he still gambles his money away, what if an emergency arises? And he has nothing but debt? It’s really
I think you'd like to come up with some reason other than, he wants to go to dinner with his ex and not with you. But the only possible reason is, he wanted to go to dinner with his ex and not with you.
Ask yourself why these people you call your friends are okay with this. Seems like they're basically dtaing behind your back and everyone knows it.
So the way you make a joke is the create tension and then relieve it. Jokes like this work by creating an insane amount of tension quickly (bringing up divorce) and the relieving it (citing something flippant like CoL as a reason for staying married). It's not the height of humour but if fits the formula.
is is what I said to him. It wasn't ME that ruined your relationship, it was YOU who couldn't identify the appropriate way to act
“All I can do is see your actions and your actions said you were more interested in her than me. If you choose to stop having a relationship with her we can continue, but if not she is all yours.”
Talk to her about it whenever you can find a good time. If it were me tbh, I’d say she’s for the streets
So she made an agreement with you, and then immediately broke it.
Who cares what you call it, time to move forward with the divorce.
All you can do is tell your friend that he won't be part of group text messages where people talk about private things, and that is HIS decision. You don't know his girlfriend of 4 months as well as you know the rest of the group, nor did you choose to befriend her and bring her in. Of course you don't want her reading messages that are about private issues.
Sure you can still invite him to things and use text messages to communicate normal things- how was your day, congrats on X, whatever- but he cannot expect the group to just include his girlfriend in private conversations.
Tell your friend and his girlfriend- they get to decide if they want to read each other's text messages, and YOU get to decide what kind of text messages you send to people. The GF saying you shouldn't care if nothing “dodgy” is going on is remarkably ignorant- or intentionally manipulative because of course that isn't true. I have friends I will tell my relationship issues, and some I don't tell as much. That can be because of trust, longevity of friendship, prior history, the advice they give, relationship with my partner, etc. She doesn't get to decide that it is fine if she gets in on personal conversations.
Tell the friend he is making his own choice here, and by the way if he says she isn't reading them anymore, of course don't believe him.
You've asked him not to when you've taken ambien. He says he can't tell that you've taken it. But he also knows you take it every night. So which is it? Unless you take the meds at a completely different time every night to the point he has legitimate reaosn to not be able to track when you've taken it, I'm not finding much incentive to believe he's doing things unintentionally.
Relationships take two people (sometimes 3 or more but thats a different sub) and if it seems one sided , than it time to learn that there are more than one soulmate out there for everyone.
What an awful situation you’re in! “You don’t make me feel like a man” is a red flag to me. Why is it your responsibility to make him feel like a man. That’s totally his responsibility to feel what he feels. If he flips out because you say he takes too long — that’s also on him. At the same time you married a guy and had his kid knowing you were not all that sexually compatible. There are lots of ways to have sex. He doesn’t have to come every time. And neither do you. I wonder if there’s another issue in the relationship that makes him unattractive to you. If there is, it sounds like he can’t hear it. You can’t control what he can or can’t tolerate hearing. If you’re asking for permission to leave him, go for it. Single parenthood is not for everyone. But neither is living with someone whom you feel inattracted To.
I have a work friend who turned into a real friend and we met when I was over 30 and they were 19 – but it's always been only that, a friendship.
you’ve got this. it’s gonna be a long road but it’s a doable road. i have all the faith that it will all be okay in the end, and one day you will hope she finds someone to make her happy, even though the thought of that now is absolutely crippling.
As a man I would say go find your own sanity right now. Ground yourself in what makes sense. She may be in heavy pregnancy brain and it may be permanent. Either way you get to make a decision. Despite what she is doing are you willing to be there for your child? That kid is going to need you. If she makes it impossible for you to father then you might need to consider pursuing “fathers rights” for now observe, document, support and distance.
Sorry, but unless she is completely over him, which is doubtful because it sounds like he was her first love, you are either going to lose her as a friend or your friendship will change (and not in a positive way).
I would say be prepared to lose her friendship as you chose to pursue a relationship with him. Not only that, you pursued the relationship without talking to her first. Not to sound harsh, but it kind of sounds like you didn’t/don’t really care about how she would feel and you only seem worried about dealing with the aftermath.
He doesn’t get the fact that many (most?) cultures in the world equate feeding people as an expression of love, comfort, or hospitality. Sounds like it didn’t work that way in his household growing up. How often do you walk into someone’s house and the first thing they do is offer you something to drink or something to eat? You keep doing you. Make him aware that he’s the odd man out here. It’s not about compliments, it’s about comfort and love.
Could you two take a cooking class together? Pick out some recipes on Allrecipes.com or in a cook book and cook together? Get one of the meal prep services for one dish a month?
Or maybe leave the grilling to him and you prep the sides?
I dunno. My partner would grill something every night for dinner and that would be that if I weren’t around. No side, just meat. He eats a salad at lunch and calls it good. So I hear you. I enjoy cooking and do the majority of it. He actually can make some pretty good stuff but it’s one pot kind of thing—no juggling stovetop space or oven temps or coordinating so everything is done at the same time. That’s a skill he just doesn’t have.
Me personally I wouldn’t keep dating him bc to me that’s pretty much cheating but if you really wanna stay with him you might have to just accept that he does that if you already told him you don’t like it and he’s not stopping
I never thought about the possibility of the 21 year old getting pregnant or the money he may spend after all the years of not contributing financially
There have been many times in the past where he has brought free food home from work, we've always shared it in the past.
The right answer is your current partner. It might even be true.
Got to be a bit realistic here. Your husband is net negative in terms of $. He’s also got a gambling problem if he’s in on AMC.
this. and imagine if they break up after all that?
Helping your kid to buy their other parent a gift for Christmas, birthdays, and mother's/father's day are a part of parenting. It's a perfectly normal thing to do. Your girlfriend is letting her jealousy get the better of her. She doesn't sound like step-mom material.
I'm gonna put this in the nicest way possible. I wouldn't have high expectations in trying to achieve what you're trying to achieve. I'm not the guy that's what you're trying to achieve in my relationship either. I try, but I'm not. I think you probably need that guy if you guys are in therapy (yikes) over it.
My girl and I connect in different ways, but because I'm not good at small talk or validation, we don't really attempt it, and it's pretty unfair of you to expect a person without that personality to be that person.
Get a friend, girl/guy whatever that is able to be that person if you're unwilling to reconcile that he won't be that guy for you, because guys like him, like me, won't change drastically to accomodate you, unfortunately.
OP look at it this way, if the roles were reversed, (he was the one who wanted to fuck, and you just wanted to talk, and then left when he tried to kiss you) everyone would be telling you that you dodged a bullet, that he was probably a sexual predator, and if he contacts you again to call the police.
Now remember that the roles are not reversed, that just like you do, he has the right to control what happens with his own body, and just because you had sex the day before, doesn’t mean that you get access to his body the next day.
No one ever cares about the crime they're competing until they get caught and they go to jail and lose their girlfriend their wife their children then they want to be on the phone every f****** hour of every day trying to get you to come up and put money on their books and come visit them. No I never visited nobody in jail but I had a lot of girlfriends and family members who did that was one thing I did not do I'm not visiting you if you go to jail so sad too bad
Is that the only thing that matters? Not that he is willing to laugh at your torment? You deserve better.
I would be very uncomfortable with a gf trying to police my friends. This would be something I would break up with someone over. I have friends that are not ambitious, they are happy to be involved with their jobs, and home projects. I don't judge them to be less than because of their choices, and would have a problem with those who do.
Spending time with friends one day a week is not terrible, especially when you are not married and have no children. Even then it isn't a problem unless he neglects his responsibilities elsewhere.
Incase you misunderstood I was doing a reverse mock of being saying these guys were gay for doing their thing.
Something tells me husband doesn’t care.
You and your husband may love each other very much but that doesn't change the fact that he's either asexual or gay. You can't counsel it away and he can't either. You need to do what you need to do to accept this and move on.
There is someone out there who will love you, body and soul, but this guy ain't it.
It is. She is. So we agree
I have pet lizards and keep some of their cool sheds (some people make jewelry pieces out of it). Luckily I have a partner who enjoys my quirkiness. Sounds like this guy isn't the right guy for you, and that's ok. There will be someone else out there who embraces your quirkiness too.
Time for both of you to get the hell out. Don’t put yourselves through this. Life is too short.
I mean honestly yes if you're looking for something serious. If it's just casual and both adults are aware of that then no not such a huge deal. Im not a casual dater. I make it clear from the get go I want no children and if the person I'm seeing does, boom, we are incompatible. If someone is dead set on biological children and they meet someone who can't have biological children (man or woman whatever) or they don't want biological children, boom incompatible. Best to get it out of the way sooner rather than later if you're only looking for a serious relationship
Happened to me long ago, at 15 yo, none of my “friends” showed up and I later learned they were having another party I didn't know about.
I cut all of them of my life. No time for fuckers like these.
Keep the only one who came !
You should breakup and I’d suggest not jumping into another relationship straight away. You seem immature and should be single
I ended the conversation and everything at that moment because he was about to head out with his friends and if I’m slightly upset or if he’s slightly upset when he’s about to, he accuses me of ruining his time. I have tried to talk to him about it but he got all “you don’t care about me” and it’s like wtf how is checking my phone for 10 seconds not caring about you when I literally said everything you had said and when you literally go on your phone all the time when I’m talking?
100%
He did this for clout. He used OP as a sex prop. He’s literal scum and a total predator. Hope his weiner falls off!
Thank you for the comment. You think it's an abuse tactic when he blames me? He rarely blames me for anything when he's sober, but indeed, when he drinks, that's what happens. But I do think going to his apartment that he owns without informing him, I did overstep some boundaries.
He’s given no proof that he’s willing to make changes if he’s still lying to you. Making a change is hugely difficult. Think about a small habit you have that you try to break… biting nails, leaving lights on, little innocent things that doesn’t blow thousands of dollars at a time. It takes so much effort to even get out of those habits. Do you really think he’s willing to change?
Your partner telling you he won’t do it again is just lip service. Empty and not backed with any tangible plan. Giving him another chance is just setting yourself up for the same story, same ending, same disappointment.
Once you are married, it’s not easy to legally leave. If you end up with kids and he still gambles his money away, what if an emergency arises? And he has nothing but debt? It’s really
Nahhh man the waffle stomp is just a bridge too far, I’d never be able to look at them the same ?
Break up with her and find a woman that wants to have a relationship in reality.
I think you'd like to come up with some reason other than, he wants to go to dinner with his ex and not with you. But the only possible reason is, he wanted to go to dinner with his ex and not with you.
Ask yourself why these people you call your friends are okay with this. Seems like they're basically dtaing behind your back and everyone knows it.
Thank you!
So the way you make a joke is the create tension and then relieve it. Jokes like this work by creating an insane amount of tension quickly (bringing up divorce) and the relieving it (citing something flippant like CoL as a reason for staying married). It's not the height of humour but if fits the formula.
is is what I said to him. It wasn't ME that ruined your relationship, it was YOU who couldn't identify the appropriate way to act
“All I can do is see your actions and your actions said you were more interested in her than me. If you choose to stop having a relationship with her we can continue, but if not she is all yours.”