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Date: October 8, 2022
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You answered your own question, you agreed to something, she ruined that agreement, it's cheating.
Please don't take this the wrong way, but if it's too early to talk about your past, it's probably too early to be having sex.
No break without a time frame (short, no more than a week or so) and ground rules and expectations. And you both need to create them, and agree to them.
As she’s the one wanting it, with the exception of you screwing up, if it goes sideways, or at the end the relationship ends, she’s the one who needs to cover the rent, regardless of who moves out.
Just end it. Give her the notice to figure out how to support herself and leave. You can’t wait to start your life because someone else is unstable.
Chlamydia can lie dormant for decades
I'm very curious on an update to this
Send him packing
nah
If you don't have the guts to criticize her choice in partner to her face, just mind your own business. She's an adult and free to make her own decisions (and mistakes).
Genuinely – why does this bother you? Think about the specific reasons it bothers you.
She belongs to the streets
Make an Amazon list of things you like and periodically add things throughout the year. Then share it with him.
Let him know flat out what you want. My husband knows that every valentines day he gets me chocolate covered strawberries. Simple, I don't have to plan it, and it's what I want.
For Christmas we decided to try and figure out a splurge we can get together. Like a comfort add on to our house, a trip, etc. I'll probably still get him something small like his favorite candy or something but nothing super thoughtful.
Gift giving is clearly your love language both for giving and receiving and it is not his. Find a good middle ground compromise. You shouldn't have to put up with straight up throughlessness but also your expectations are too high. You are envisioning yourself getting gifts for yourself.
For birthdays, tell him he needs to make dinner reservations and get something from your list. He shouldn't involve you in the planning but it is straightforward as I said before.
Yeah I mean she can definitely be lying and texting 100 other dudes like you say and she's more than welcome to. We've been on one date and we aren't exclusive so she has every right to approach dating however she wants. Thanks for sharing a different input though, I appreciate it.
To be honest ,you have to tell him. But don't get upset if he gets mad or wants nothing to do with you or the little one. Take it day by day. The little one does need to know who the other parent is and to have some type of connection so they aren't questioning or mad at you later of why they never saw dad. You know? It'll be stressful or hard, but eventually someone will come along and love you and help you with your baby. Loving you both. I did that for my current wife and her son. We also have a son of ours too now. Sometimes life just isn't easy you know? It'll get easier.
Don’t do anything and move on. Be the bigger person. She’s already bugging you when you haven’t done anything with her. Imagine what would happen if you did. Honestly if i were you I’d tell her to back off or i would go to her husband with all the messages she’s been sending. Her not being happy in her own marriage is none of your business and not your place to offer a “quick fix”. It doesn’t work that way.
I would def ask tho!
Because we aren’t meant to be monogamous. At the end of the day it’s not that you aren’t satisfied it’s that it’s human nature to want more and find it. You can be happy and content and still want more. If you make 100k a year and love your job and a opening for 150k comes wouldn’t you be curious?
I am in therapy, I‘m asexual and autistic, my views feelings towards sex are definitely different, hence the differences
also it‘s related bc us having sex led to a trauma response, us not being able to have sex is an issue we both need to face, not just me, how can i face these issues alone, sex goes both ways and both people need to wirk together
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If this is important to you then she's not the one. Maybe you're incompatible. That's neither your fault nor hers. Family may not have the same importance to her as it does you.
Yeah no of course. Luckily it’s just a low wage retail job and I have other managers as well. I wouldn’t have encouraged this if I really valued working here. But I appreciate the advice nonetheless
This is ridiculously invasive. The biggest problem is now that you’ve let it get this far anything you try to do privately or keep from her she will freak out about. Her pretending to be you and reading your sent messages is beyond stalkerish. I would seriously divorce someone this invasive and creepy.
Aita mods are pompous asses. I'm glad you were able to go on the trip and have a good time
Yeah that makes sense to me, I don't mean to be dismissive to people who's love language is services, just that the unilateral receiving of gifts as a love language is funny to me
What a stupid thing for him to say. He hates himself? I’m Calling bs!
My answer back would have been why would I want forever with you? Sounds like you wouldn’t be faithful the way I want given the chance you would be hoeing around for your pleasure. You are not ready for a serious relationship,
if your name isn’t on the lease, I would give him 30 days notice and move, block his butt.
To her it might’ve looked like he just had whiskey dick.
That is when you stop.
She should have stopped, or at least taken a break, talked to him in private and asked if he was okay. That is what people who are actually ready for such situations do.
I don't know what inclusion looks like but if in a threesome one person isn't hard, it would usually be pretty obvious to everyone that it's not a threesome, but a twosome. She still went ahead with it – that was her mistake.
OP made an even dumber one, didn't ask to stop but instead let it go on.
I would tell him , because most likely he will try or divorce you. It’s a deal breaker for you , rather then finding him disgusting which will lead to hate soon . Seat down like adults and say it nicely. He might able to fix it or say bye. Honestly it’s mutual decision , only advice anyone can give
Still I can't imagine being ok with them staying in touch. However making her lose her contact can be very bad for her. Therefore it's best to break up.
So she values the relationship with her friend more than her relationship with you?
You made it sound like Camry is not a decent car while you can not really afford it.
Uuumm… Sorry to tell you but she's not your friend and she was looking to hurt you. You should get away from her.
I'm fairly sure cats can't open doors.
I never said she had to stay with me I don’t understand where that came from. In the end, it’s going to have to be her choice and I am at peace with that but I feel like I gave up a lot of my life to provide for us and that is not easy on my side either. I don’t want to be gone away from my family. I want them to be with me wherever she wants to be is where I want to be I don’t care material. Things are just that to me, I just enjoy being able to give my family the things that they want and need. I have been on the other side of the spectrum was a bad job, making no money and that has its downsides as well a lot of arguments and a lot of stress worrying about how we are going to pay for things so there’s a fine line that you have to walk when it comes to supporting your family and being with your family you can never have at all that is something that off come to understand
This started out bad and it's really no surprise that it never got better.
I don't know why he's so devoid of emotions. Sometimes people never get out of their shells and you end up trying to draw blood from a stone. On the other hand, sometimes they do open up but only under the right circumstances, which I don't think a codependent person will ever be able to create.
You're not selfish. Sadly it's part of the reason why I broke up with my ex. We all need some time to recharge.
My wife is my porn now. I’m so focused on her and in love it makes me feel ick if I even try to look at another woman now. Wasn’t that way in the past but I’m glad it is now. I COULD look but I don’t like the feelings that it inspires and it’s not like I’ll be doing anything with those strangers. My imagination should have my wife in them. I mean is she just “who I can fck when I can’t get better” or the woman I chose to be exclusive with and love?
Yes – well – just from my own line – I said no to having dogs and ended up having my MIL pushing two Chihuahuas into my home! One is still here after 15 years – and the discussion is what is the next dog. Long time ago I have accepted that dogs are a human right! Or at least my wife says that! ?
You have to think about what culture she comes from too… you don’t mention but, in whichever country she’s from, the way she’s acting might be more customary.
They aren’t letting go of each other, sorry.
In some ways, she’s still the priority in his life.
If you're not happy with the relationship don't stay in it, if you feel that bad you're going to break his heart that you are willing to pretend everything is ok is an issue on its own.
Yes! Being a homemaker is a job as well, and if people wanna do that, they have to take it seriously, right?
I don't think he's telling the truth. Porn wouldn't bother me unless it caused issues in the relationship, which I feel it has here. You should always feel desired by your partner. The fact that he's having issues in that department makes me think he watches it much more than he admits.
I wouldn't be okay being shut out if I wanted to have a discussion on it and the guy shut it down. You have to be able to communicate and have honesty.
I don't think he's telling the truth. Porn wouldn't bother me unless it caused issues in the relationship, which I feel it has here. You should always feel desired by your partner. The fact that he's having issues in that department makes me think he watches it much more than he admits.
I wouldn't be okay being shut out if I wanted to have a discussion on it and the guy shut it down. You have to be able to communicate and have honesty.
I don't think he's telling the truth. Porn wouldn't bother me unless it caused issues in the relationship, which I feel it has here. You should always feel desired by your partner. The fact that he's having issues in that department makes me think he watches it much more than he admits.
I wouldn't be okay being shut out if I wanted to have a discussion on it and the guy shut it down. You have to be able to communicate and have honesty.
As a monogamous guy that tried poly/enm for a year when she decided she couldn't be monogamous anymore (I was her first monogamous relationship really, and she was able to do it for 3 years), I second this. You have fundamentally different views, and that's OK, but neither of you are going to be happy.
As a monogamous guy that tried poly/enm for a year when she decided she couldn't be monogamous anymore (I was her first monogamous relationship really, and she was able to do it for 3 years), I second this. You have fundamentally different views, and that's OK, but neither of you are going to be happy.
As a monogamous guy that tried poly/enm for a year when she decided she couldn't be monogamous anymore (I was her first monogamous relationship really, and she was able to do it for 3 years), I second this. You have fundamentally different views, and that's OK, but neither of you are going to be happy.
He's not into you the way you want him to be. He is NOT your bf.
This is the part that you need to focus on “we weren’t mature enough and we should take time to work on ourselves”
That is sage advice.
So take time, work on yourself, especially your insecurities and jealousy. And if it’s meant to be, he will be working on himself, and when you both are ready you’ll both still be single and can decide if you want to try again.
Welcome to the real world. You abused the generosity of your bf parents. Get a job – do you think we all love to work every day ? We do it because we need to keep a roof over our heads and food in our stomach. If you don’t change your attitude, you will be without a bf too, as he is working his butt off and you don’t seem to get it.
Yeah I understand. I actually don’t see us entering into a relationship at all. I’m still hurt over my ex and she is too. I can’t even imagine being with anyone else right now.
I have a friend who had an issue like that. He had a porn addiction.
This comment ? well said mate!
Ahh, I get it, your insecurities about women have literally made you make up fanfiction in your head about some random girl.
There is absolutely no evidence that she’s eating, much like there isn’t any evidence of disloyalty.
I get that you’re delusional, but please try to keep it together long enough to respond to what’s actually there instead of writing fanfiction
So of all the guys she can lock down your the best, but you aren’t her first choice.
I respect the honesty.
Sounds like she’s settling for you, happens a lot, uncommon for them to make it so clear though.
What do you want? It really comes down to you, tell her you enjoy her company but you feel like your not her first choice and not sure. You can give it a go, keep communicating honestly and see what happens.
Your partner and I sound a lot alike. I’ve spent soooo many hours sitting around wondering what’s wrong with me and have come up with nothing.
My childhood (teenage) friends would constantly do things without me, and completely ditched me once we got to college.
My “adult” friends did something similar that I wrote off as all of us getting older, getting married and moving on with life, then I found out they still hung out on the regular without me.
The person I even considered my “best” friend who I did hang out with more than others didn’t even want me as his best man. He wanted someone else that hadn’t really been around our friend group since high school, and I found out after the ceremony that the only reason he asked me is that his fiancée had called him crazy to not ask me and basically had to make him do it. I wasn’t in the original wedding plans at all.
Co-workers are friendly, but I see on socials that I’m very much an outsider to their regular get togethers.
Even my family has done it. My sister recently began breaking ties to distance herself from our parents and apparently I’m also included in that for reasons I can’t figure out, and I have extended family that I used to be VERY close too growing up that frequently come in to visit other family in my town, and despite regularly staying for multiple days in a house down the street have never set foot in my house.
One night when I realized all my “friends” were somewhere that night having a get together I broke down. I finally spoke to my wife about how I had felt for years now, and wondered how long before she did it too. I mentioned that no matter who it, is or what the scenario is…..if someone is given a choice between me and literally anything else I’m left behind……she’s the only one who’s ever chosen me.
I don’t really have advice other than don’t let others change how you think about him. If he’s good to you, and makes you happy that should be all that matters. There was a point in my life where my wife was the only thing between me and a gun in my mouth because I was so lonely, and couldn’t figure out why people hated me……or if not hated at least didn’t think about me at all.
The worst part is I don’t even know why. If people call I’m there. If people need help I try. I like being social. I like having friends. I’m not a homebody who waffles at plans. I don’t know. I’ve asked my wife if I’m somehow weird in social situations and she swears I’m not. I dunno. Maybe I’m just fucking annoying.
This makes no sense
VOICES OF ARSON BOUNCING WITHIN THE CREVICES OF MY SKULL
It really seems like she's saying everything literally. Maybe her English isn't that good?
Like “yeah of course I'd rather have a steady, well-paying job instead of being a sex worker.” It's like she is missing the subtext of the phrasing of that sentence.
It actually reminded me of this good bit of standup comedy I really like. The comedian is working the audience, asks one guy what he does for a living, guy replies that he's a mechanic. He asks his friend next to him, “Are you also a mechanic?” Dude goes “You could say that.” Comedian goes ” Well are you a mechanic? Dude goes “Yeah that's what I said.”
Don't know why that bit popped into my head, but it's reminiscent of this thread.
If you are not that bothered by her cheating and disrespecting you and you obviously feel you can live with it , than just talk it out and discuss boundaries.
Not everyone finds lying and cheating a deal breaker, especially in non monogamous relationships where sexual love and exclusivity are not required.
The time to “find yourself” is BEFORE you have kids what your wife is doing is just selfish. Your daughter is too young to understand what’s going on but old enough to blame herself for it. I can see a 2 week vacation though I wouldn’t be able to leave my daughter for that long but to just “maybe keep traveling” without even giving an end date is insane. How is she funding this little excursion? I can’t imagine working part time in an antique shop is enough to get her a weekend away never mind whatever the hell this is so are you expected to pay her way while she abandons you and your daughter?
the Toys you have in the car
That's sketchy AF.
she tells me she loves me 10 times a day
She does this to keep you in line and off her trail.
How is that controlling? The comment above you didn't even mention her current savings, it was addressing how she is going to fund future travels.
money they both decided would be spent how they want
Money they both made decisions on for a marriage, a unit, a unit she is deciding to breakup by abandoning her family to find herself. Why should he help fund that? She's making the choice to do what she wants, she should be the one responsible for providing that. She may using her savings to jump start it, but once that runs out and she wants to keep going, she's gonna have to figure that out on her own, as she is finding herself afterall.
If this was just a case of burnout and wanting to go on a fun vacation, it would make sense that he would help support her with that, but she's not going on a fun vacation, she's admitted it, she's abandoning her family, and she shouldn't get rewarded for that with more fun money. That's not controlling. That's reality.
You need to sit down for a very big chat. No distractions. Lay out where the family finances are currently and what this means for the future. You need to include all of your current debts in your talk. It sounds like you have no savings and that means no retirement, no holidays, no home ownership. Surely that is not what she wants for the future.
$500 extra across a whole month is not enough to have this disparity. You could have that $500 go automatically into savings and divide everything else equally. Money from your jobs should automatically into your bills/essentials account and you both get an equal amount for “fun” spending.
Dave Ramsey is probably a good program for you. He is not a fabulous person but he is good for getting on track. “You work too damn hard to be this broke” is a quote that I'm sure you can relate to.
Make her feel wanted and beautiful.
Complement her. Cuddle, be romantic, make out with her – but don't do it like you expect to get sex.
There's no one who can boost your self-confidence as your partner.
Be that partner.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
My boyfriend is a really gentle and sweet person and we have a happy relationship filled with laughs and cuddles. But this one thing is bugging me out and I could use advice.
There are a few facts I want to make clear to give a full picture here. You may or may not think they’re relevant:
He doesn’t physically force me onto the scale. He just says “c’mon, step on the scale..let’s see what it says.” One time I said I didn’t want to get on it and he said “c’mon just get it over with..”
When I weigh myself and he didn’t get to see the number, he asks what it said.
I am 5’4 118lbs. I am a size small or an extra small. I am not stick thin but I am a thin woman. I don’t need to lose weight.
He is 6’1 215lbs. I think he looks good but he has told me he is technically obese and that he has pre-diabetes.
I have mentioned to him that I feel like he cares too much about my weight and he has always said that he is just trying to support me because he knows I am afraid of weight gain (true)
I don't think the issue here is that it's shameful more that the bus schedule doesn't seem to be convenient. Waiting over half an hour for your bus on the cold is not ideal.
I live on s place where buses never run on time/often just don't come. I always offer people a loft after work if I know we're heading in the same direction.
Ask him to mail them to you. Or put them into your mailbox. Then just notify you by text that he did it. He can do it whenever he has time and you don't have to see him.
I wonder what excuse he will find for not being able to do it…
I’m trying. I’m trying to hang out with friends but I have no close friends or people I feel close to and my new friends I don’t feel comfortable it’s just a miserable experience . I’m at a loss at what to do.
He came out as bi and as a cheater. One I don't have a problem with, but the other means he needs to go. If it were Tinder and women, he would be out, so Grinder and men doesn't make it ok.
Get solid evidence first
What. Is. Your. Fucking. Point? It is sexual assault. Full stop. No “oh it’s less than rape” or “oh I’m just trying to clarify the difference tehe :3”
You so adamant to make these point against an uncomfortable OP who no longer consents, you sound like someone who would justify abusing the OP
Apparently you're not getting it, so being someone whose skillset is more in line with humanities, let me use as many different ways as I can to explain it to you. YTA, you sir are the arsehole, your conduct is such that it reminds one of the anus. For the sake of fuck embrace an attitude more befitting of one your age.
Volunteering for one day a year is WhO i Am
He’s an asshole. He wants to punish you for having options other than him before you were exclusive. Now he is committed, and this is fully cheating. He is literally just doing this to be “equal” because his ego is bruised. This is not a good dude.
Dedicating a full day to drinking and partying every weekend and considering it more important than you is not healthy or normal. Take the message. Talk to him and tell him how you feel.
Is it worth it? You have been together a year. If he's willing to change his lifestyle are you interested in giving him a second chance? Are you sick of him? You have to answer that. Walking away is fine, since he's already shown he doesn't prioritize you.
Yes, you are. Trans women are women. Trans men are men. Now piss off.
That's because people need to feel wanted in a relationship and the way to materialize that is to initiate.
If it feels one way as one party has to initiate for it to happen then one feels they are not attractive enough to their partner and that is an ego killer.
Op, please get a rape kit. You don’t have to do anything with it but it would be a nice option.
He keeps saying yes in the future. Soon. I’m thinking about it. But I don’t wanna ask and pester him anymore
This is not an armchair diagnosis, since we will all interpret the situation based on our own experiences. But to me, if we assume your second point is what is happening here, her behaviour sounds like automatic mode/fight or flight/crisis mode. Whatever you want to call it.
I would guess the wife is in flight mode. It is the complete unwillingness to talk about her decision or her feelings, the collected “we will do this by the book and that's it, period”, the apparent calmness and kindness – paired with her “burn it down” comments such as “if you drag this out [through demanding separation before divorce] I will hate you forever”, and the sudden decision to move across the country to a family that is deeply religious when she herself left that religion years ago, that makes me suspect it. Because if there were no underlying issues in the relationship, her reaction is both disproportional and out of character for her (based on OPs comments).
I've seen it happen to myself and people around me many times, so that was my immediate thought. It obviously might be completely wrong, but I just thought I'd throw that possibility in the ring as an add-on to your second point.
This is just anecdotal but it’s amazing how many men I saw get more conservative after they got married. Same guys would rally around women not changing their names and raising daughters to smash the patriarchy, suddenly would make derisive comments just a few years down the road that would make their wives give pause or end relationships.
He's making a cake for his Grandma's birthday and she throws away all the ingredients while he's in the bathroom.
But he's toxic?
Did you even read the post?
Ok, you made a mistake it happen but it's his life and his parents have no say in it.
Was our break up premature?
Unless one of you changed their mind in the meantime, no, and neither of you are probably gonna be changing your mind any time soon anyways.
(Not) wanting to have kids is a big life decision, and generally not one you change your mind on
Why don’t you communicate?? I don’t understand people that don’t talk to their spouses . Tell him. If he is still going or going without you pick a friend and plan YOuR exact dream vacation and go on it in a few months. If money isn’t an issue – then plan your own !!
No no no no NO and NOPE
You need to tell him asap. What if someone found it and is spending on it? That will only make it 10x worse.
I wouldn't be friends with a guy who is tryna cheat on his wife.