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linhua Public Chat Channel
Date: October 1, 2022
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Cannot agree with this statement enough
Solid advice. Thanks sweetie
Omg, op this is NOT EVEN REMOTELY NORMAL. SUPER ABUSIVE. Please please do whatever you can to get out of this situation
Don't make a pros and con's like you're buying a car. When you quiet your mind or just wake up, who you think of? Then be honest with both partners.
Haha man you are getting roasted. I mean hell, we all have pasts. As long as it’s in the past let it go. I get that you would have some jealousy that’s just being human, but that’s life. I imagine you had a past prior to her. If you believe she is being faithful just drop it, that’s what I would do in your spot.
Maaaaayyyybbbbeeee can see stopping with the car door, but it’s pretty shorty to stop holding open building doors. That’s something I do for strangers.
So first, and I have to state this, you need to learn to cut people off and not fuck them when you're done dating them. You may have done it as possibly a chance to reconcile, because you're comfortable, or whatever the reason but as a life lesson, when you break up with someone, have to learn to establish boundaries and that means not fucking them anymore. Be friends sure, but sex is no longer an option. Reasons can vary why, which the common one, you continue to keep hope or revive feelings which amount to nothing. This is a new one, but look at the consequence.
However, a month and a half and he said he's been seeing her. Now in today's dating world, seeing her doesn't mean they're exclusive. As much as it pains me to even say that, unfortunately that's how dating is done today. I've been talking to someone for 3 weeks but no discussion has been made to be exclusive and officially dating. So for all you know, they haven't had that talk yet. But then again, you remain close with someone who sticks his dick in someone else other than who he's seeing? I hope you understand I'm not putting you down, but you have to look at these things because you're only 20. You are young and you're going to go through many more situations like this.
First you may want to get a full panel std checkup at your Drs. Even if your bf says they used protection, don't trust it. He cheated. He wants to smoke it work, he'll say anything to try to get you to stay. You'll need to make quick decision if you want to keep the pregnancy, if that is even an option for you to consider.
I've been cheated on, and I've stayed, and it's not good. Always questioning, overthinking, being insecure. It's not worth it. You can find someone else who will treat you as you deserve and not cheat on you.
He cheated on a dare! Who does that?!? Not anyone who is a good person.
I'm trying make it work because I do love him, he's been so kind to me but he's just going to keep doing the same thing and I know it. He'll fix it and then revert.
Thank you for your response. Honestly it was such a terrible time in my life. But I feel like he has changed and would never do those things again. I see the way he is kind and gentle and loving towards me. We have been dating for 8 months and I do believe he loves me so much and is regretful of what he did. I want to believe that I didn’t waste so much time and effort on him
She isn’t going to suddenly get better once you’re married. If anything, this sort of issue gets worse over time when unaddressed. Have you gone to couples counseling yet to work on this issue, and to address any concerns that she has too? If not, do this BEFORE the wedding.
Those with BPD (hi ??) often don’t trust people because they’ve been harmed by people in the past who they should have been able to trust. It stems from deep trauma usually. I feel for your ex you’re talking about, but also understand that we can be exhausting, and it can drive people away. It’s definitely just as exhausting for us, too, though.
I think there is a default. Yes it's different for everyone but majority of the time physical touch and reassurance is expected when crying, bc how can you hear someone you love cry and not want to go to them. Unless stated differently and there's a discussion of physical touch and boundaries ofc
Sorry but “Stop feeling ____” is terrible advice for any situation.
She wanted a license to cheat. Lacking that, she broke up with you.
Stings. Move on. I had a 8 year relationship with HS sweetheart. I broke up with her. Fairly sure she didn’t like that. I went on to have a great marriage.
You will find the right one. Give yourself time. It took me three years.
It sounds like she was using classroom time to chat with you, all of this time, instead of doing her work. And then when she got them text message she ran out of her classroom. She chose to do those things.
I know that you want to make it better for her, but you can't. The only thing that can make it better for her is therapy. She needs help with her issues and all you are is something for her to temporarily forget her problems.
I hope that you can get into therapy for yourself. They have tools to help you manage the cyclical thoughts as well as OCD habits. They can even talk to you about whether or not medication would be beneficial for you and the problems that you face.
he's sick. I have a patient who can't stop masturbating whenever they see a picture of a woman and let alone he searches and screenshot them for later. He's sick.
So what should I do? I don’t wanna be like “Dude I know your lying about your tiny penis!! Grrr.” Lol
Love this suggestion. I can imagine a fake fight like “you are not my real dad!!”
Your husband has told you not to get him anything, so don’t.
I feel bad for your “boyfriend”. Dude needs to find someone better.
I have a 9-5, I work from home. And I have hobbies and a very active social life, I just manage to squeeze it in. Pun very much intended,
If he wants a whole house for himself he is welcome to move out and pay extra for the luxury of living alone. Not financially practical? Well though luck, but that's the only solution for someone who prefers to be alone to the extent they demand other paying renters leave the house.
Nope. I have less than zero time for insecure, jealous,possessive, and controlling jackasses.
Could be really helpful in life
Idk man, reading this subreddit that sounds like a gold mine compared to what people settle for on here.
He definitely wants to hook up and is at best having an emotional affair with you and cheating on his wife. If it was innocent he wouldn’t care about you telling people
In that case… remove yourself from his personal sphere, and relate to him solely on a business level.
If you can't do that (being romantically intertwined is too painful or confusing), then you may just have to completely unhitch yourself from him.
He hasn't given you any reason to trust him. Take care of yourself, make him pay you back your money (nothing more, nothing less) and then focus on yourself and your healing. ? Don't take him back, ghosting is not okay (with very few exceptions, those aren't relevant in this case). He treated you in an unforgivable way, in my opinion. I am sorry he hurt you this badly. Don't let him do it again.
I have scrolled so far down and have yet to see someone concerned with what the lower limit is, but I’ll say it, that’s almost even more concerning.
To be clear, OP should dump him for the upper limit alone. But if his lower limit is 18… it’s much worse in my opinion. That means he’s okay with grooming barely adult girls in addition to being a creep.
Why would you getting full custody and being a single parent not work financially if you are the sole breadwinner already and are now making more than you ever have?
This is the best advice! I have a bad feeling that the bending over already happened.
Why is that the case? I'd think an experienced swinger would only do it if it turns them on and would be relaxed enough from having done it before. It's it really so stressful to see another penis in action?
The other side of this is people have sexual interest that they barely have explored and sometimes they view what I'm porn and they realize how much they're into it
It's like hanging out with gay people doesn't make you gay but sometimes hanging out with gay people make sure realize that you are gay
Draw a line with the drinking. It only ever gets worse. Trust me.
As someone who almost did this, you do not. I became a shell of myself from walking on eggshells all the time. I wouldn’t wish that kind of life on my worst enemy.
OP I saw you commented that you have ADHD and that this contributes to some of the issues, so I can understand why he might be frustrated sometimes, but it still shouldn’t warrant enough anger to be physically violent (i.e. punching a hole in the wall) or react with emotionally abusive behavior as he does. Nobody is perfect but everyone deserves to feel safe and to be treated with respect.
I hope you are able to get out of this relationship and find someone more loving and compatible.
She has expressed very clearly what she needs – for you to engage more with her in regular conversation and show that you both care about her and want to share things with her, without that sexual interactions are off-putting.
I can understand her perspective, it's not exactly a great feeling when the only time your partner genuinely shows interest in interacting with you is when they are trying to initiate sex.. She's your girlfriend, not a fleshlight. The solution is not to go 'ok, no sex then'; most people including your girlfriend wants sex in their relationship, but they also need companionship.
This is a stage most recovering addicts go through. It’s part of their process, I liken it to born again Christians.
It is exhausting and who knows if this is permanent or just a phase. You might check out the Alanon subreddit for support from others who have been there.
I don’t know how receptive he will be to a conversation but I hope you are able to talk to him
She's acting way too entitled to your paycheck. Yall aren't married. If she wants to send money to her family, she should.
What?
A week is fine, you have no kids or anything, why can't he have a week to himself?
As a older person, I advise it greatly.
Some of thee posts could really be on r/offmychest and not here.
Well, my advice? Do NOT give in to his “request”. It is unreasonable and controlling. If that means you walk away from the relationship, that is something I would SERIOUSLY be considering in your shoes at this point.
As another poster commented, if the behavior is controlling (and in this instance it is), it can (and likely will) get worse in the future.
he hasnt seen it yet as hes asleep – I dont know if i should delete before he sees it
Why don’t you leave?
There are a number of red flags here.
“She doesn't know who she is anymore with you” is MASSIVE. You can't live for someone else. If she is incomplete as a person, your relationship is ultimately doomed. That she has to “try too hard” to be around them points to insecurities. Friends accept us as we are. If she thinks this isn't enough to be accepted, either they are very judgmental, or she feels inadequate. There's “Nothing to know about them” is also huge. This sounds like she's isn't interested in taking the time to get to know them.
I'd give this relationship a lot of thought.
That makes sense about the language barrier, etc. He shouldn't be hesitating to take you though.
His parents should have taught him living skills, and it's more up to us to choose someone compatible with our life stage than dating someone that still let's their mom do everything for them. Even though you got a slow start to adulthood you're still way ahead of him, and will be for about 5 years. He's a college kid. Whatever you do, don't let him move in with you until he's been on his own and can show he can live as an adult.
Your post is too filled with incredibly bad life decisions to be true. One after the other after the other. A cavalcade of bad decisions. It must be a troll post because no one is this dumb.
Sending anyone screenshots of your conversation would've been the end of it for me. In all honesty, spending three years with someone and them using their first vacation time to hang with ANYone else would've been a big ol' come to jesus moment, but the screenshots on top of that? Nails in the coffin.
We were just sitting down one day talking about stuff and I asked her if I could be open with her (never opened abt what I wanted before as she has a very hard and busy life for a teenager so I’ve put her needs first) and she said yes. I told her that I’ve never been really comforted before while crying and then I said I wanted to sit in her lap sometime and cry. Then she said that made her really uncomfortable 🙁 I’ve never asked anything like this from her before cause I was scared of exactly this, I always let her handle the physical affection
Many states won't even look at restraining orders unless there's a history
Move in there while he's not home though. If he's confrontational, this may spark it. With his history, you don't want to risk your own health because he's an asshole.
you are the immature one while he is the mature one, realizing one form of birth control is not enough. you even said you don't know 100% if you'd get an abortion if a mistake happened, probably added to his fear and wants to take extra precautions just because of that. stay on the pill and use condoms, an unexpected child is not the missing ingredient to a relationship, especially when you're both so young and unprepared. the fact the first thing you assumed he'd want to use condoms for cheating also adds to your immaturity. he's being cautious and responsible.
Needing space from your partner after they scream at you until you have a panic attack isn't abusive. Screaming at your partner, especially knowing that it's likely to trigger a panic attack, is.
I want to upvote but I can’t be the 70th person.
Milquetoast spouse! Millenial Spouse!
Tell her you are not canceling your trip and that she can change her surgery date or have her mom come stay with her.
I didn’t say he was rich. $2.5k worth of dinners and gifts doesn’t make someone rich sweetie
This is the expectation of a controlling asshole, not an adult partner in a healthy relationship.
Actually they had the same first name but my ex went by his middle name. Sadly, I did slip up once or twice. We're all human. My husband slipped up too, all early in our relationship. It happens, no worries!
I’m fairly certain you’re not his doctor.
INFO: Do you get to sleep with whoever you want? Do you have access to any of the finances? Vehicles? Do you guys have children? Does she frequently yell at you for different things?
Sounds about as right as that dude who tried to say op tried to babytrap him when they've been married for years and planned the baby. She would have known something by now if something was up.
This is a time where quality matters more than quantity. Get a calendar and put both your schedules on it. Use this to identify special time just for the two of you. Use this to talk about finding a balance between obligations and wants. Be very clear you love spending time with her and that she is a priority in your life. But, only if that's true. My job is important and I have to work, but that doesn't mean it's more important to me than my spouse. If the band is more important to you than your GF, then you have to let her go. Don't keep stringing her along if you already know she's not your priority.
This is a time where quality matters more than quantity. Get a calendar and put both your schedules on it. Use this to identify special time just for the two of you. Use this to talk about finding a balance between obligations and wants. Be very clear you love spending time with her and that she is a priority in your life. But, only if that's true. My job is important and I have to work, but that doesn't mean it's more important to me than my spouse. If the band is more important to you than your GF, then you have to let her go. Don't keep stringing her along if you already know she's not your priority.
Yeah, I've decided to not say anything.
I have to solve this with other kinds of methods (therapy, etc). Dragging her onto this issue would be pretty stupid
This is a time where quality matters more than quantity. Get a calendar and put both your schedules on it. Use this to identify special time just for the two of you. Use this to talk about finding a balance between obligations and wants. Be very clear you love spending time with her and that she is a priority in your life. But, only if that's true. My job is important and I have to work, but that doesn't mean it's more important to me than my spouse. If the band is more important to you than your GF, then you have to let her go. Don't keep stringing her along if you already know she's not your priority.
But what should I do? How can I end it with as little hurt as possible?
Does she have any debt she’s not telling you about? Either she has some really severe anxiety revolving money that she should discuss with a therapist or there’s a reason why she’s considering an extreme for cash.
You’re being unreasonable. This isn’t a family gathering. It’s a gathering at the family of a friend. Not even his friend. His MOM’S friend. You’re not entitled to an invitation just because you’re dating the guy. You’re also implying that your boyfriend should go out of his way to force the issue because you think this random other family should function like yours. You’re not invited to a meal, at the home of a stranger, and you’re “hurt” by that? My advice, don’t bring it up again and order a pizza instead. Watch a movie, and get over the idea that you need to be part of everything he does. That way, when you want to go have a fun girls’ night or something, he can’t complain.
Sure, but those are couples in which monogamy isn’t a hard line. Most people aren’t capable of seeing their partner enjoy someone else. Most people need exclusivity for their security.
Based on what you wrote, yep, it’s time to end this
Never do it again.
This is the way!
Because I don't want to see my father being affectionate with my MIL.
ok but why?
If they get married, my husband would be my step-brother.
I don‘t know how old you are but OP and his partner are grown adults so they‘re not step-siblings. Their parents aren‘t raising them anymore so they don‘t take on a step-parent role. I‘m 29 and when my mom decides to marry some dude that‘s not my step-father, it‘s just a dude who‘s married to my mom.
Sounds to me like he was just curious, day dreaming about what your children might look like. Its sweet and shows his commitment to you.
That's rape…
That’s tough, being live in partners is so many relationships rolled into one, best friend, sex partner, emotional partner, financial partner and roommate.
I guess my advice is lean on the parts that are going well to push him on the one that isn’t. I don’t know if assigning is going to help, I would think he needs to understand that the level of cleanliness you want or need is something he can do to be a better overall partner.
As everyone else has said, you should drop her. She’s weak, and selfish. You can, and will do better.
In the future, when your girlfriend starts “hitting it off” with another guy, it’s time to move on. Because entertaining anyone else while in a relationship is completely disrespectful. I personally would’ve ended this relationship at that point, but it’s water under the bridge now.
You know what you have to do. So be strong, and do it.
Yeah by that logic my wife sometimes even enjoys to watch me cheating on her with Geralt of Rivia
you have plenty of time to get lots of other people pregnant when you aren't ready for it.
and unless this is your first ever gf, who says this is your first baby?
Feeling confident in clothes doesn't even mean wearing skimpy clothes. It just means putting together an outfit you like and feel confident in.
Go and join r/femalefashionadvice and r/oldhagfashion. Both subs are about body confidence. They take different approaches (the former has a lot to say about jeans) with the people on both being knowledgeable about brands and cost.
Lose the boyfriend, though. You don't need him.
No. It is not extreme to separate yourself from this creep.
If you feel that all he wants you for is your body, you are probably right. You are the person who experiences him. We don’t.
What you do about is open your eyes in your situation, and watch his patterns. -Many you outlined here- and decide if that is what you want in your life.
You can’t change people. But you can decide what you want in your relationships. And if you are not getting it from him, you can move on. You can set boundaries. You can start seeing if he uses your age gap to his advantage.
And you can not date folks you work with.
yup! do exactly these.
time to find new better life with a loyal new boo
Once you tried sexual activities and they were unenjoyabke for you, you should have stepped this back to just friends.
I'm not sure why you let this escalate to living together but it's only going to go down hill. Long term relationship typically start with the most/hottest sex and things cool from there. They don't start with not being attracted to the other person at all and hoping your tastes suddenly change.
What of woman did you date before? If it was no where near your current girl, she knows what's up and it's destroying her self esteem.
You could just adopt
Reservations due to lack of attraction?
Seems like you were not sexually attracted to her from the beginning. The way you describe her sounds more like a beloved friend rather than a romantic companion.
I would be honest with yourself. If you were never sexually attracted to her – and still am not, it might be time to end the relationship. Sexual compatibility is very important in a relationship.
It’s not going to get any better.
Thank you for the reassurance I really appreciate you taking the time to comment
Nothing you said has shown you understand her. She told you what she wanted, you told her what you wanted and your angry that it didn’t match up. You can’t blame her for the sacrifices you made in order to match up with her.
takes 2 hands to clap.. why cant she initiate the contact or during the 7 days why she never contact him..
Most people that suggest therapy are, in my opinion, there to make a few easy karma points.
Just talk to him. And see what happens.
There’s no point on talking to him about it. You’re not a priority for him. And as much as you want to talk to him about it, he’s going to keep telling you that you’re not important enough to him to want to try and respect you.
The best birthday gift you can give yourself is to cut him loose and move on. You deserve someone who actually cares about you.
If you genuinely trust her then there's no reason to punish her for your own paranoia.
If he didn't want to eat Mexican food ever, than he wouldn't eat Mexican food ever. I'm not his mother forcing him to eat his vegetables.
He behaved inappropriately. He needs to own up to that. His actions go beyond comforting. He also should explain to you why he wasn’t there for you when you needed him to be there for you like he was for your roommate. I wouldn’t continue the relationship with that unsettled. Don’t let him blame it on you being insecure. Your roommate even said it was too much so it’s his actions that made you feel less secure in the relationship. Blaming people for insecurities really is stupid because if your partner behaved like a good boyfriend, you’d feel secure.
Why does it bother you that they are friends?
He feels ashamed himself. He probably feels as though he has betrayed his faith in some way.
He’s projection this onto you instead of taking accountability for his own actions, desires, “sins”, etc.
Source: Grew up Catholic. Left faith.
this is absolutely not about you.
he is going through something you can't handle, can't deal with and honestly should not be expected to deal with his crippling mental health.
this needs to be about him getting help, not about you feeling slighted. He needs help.
He isn't ready to be with you, and you know that.
and for gods sake, don't go in to his house or his friends and start talking about how he made you feel, and how upset you are over this, and how you don't feel comfy about his ex anymore. He needs help, not you. you can survive this, you aren't shutting down, you aren't locking everyone out of your life.
I'd wait for her to foam in her mouth before I help her out.
People don’t normally conjure up fake scenarios in our mind to obsess over. We don’t make up things that’s blatantly hurt us. Most people don’t do that. It’s real shit that’s hurting us and we’re not making it up. It’s the other person trying to hide from what they’re doing telling you you’re making it up but it isn’t true. Please know it’s not true. What you see usually is real unless it’s without context but you’re in a full on relationship with this person you have context.
It's not all in your head. You can't trust him. You should find a lawyer and get a divorce. He doesn't love you. What he and your ex did isn't your fault, but don't let him fool you again! You deserve better
Sexuality is a spectrum. Good luck
She needs therapy too.
You literally got so aroused you were on the verge of cumming…
I agree with this. Give her some time, apologise, but don't love bomb her. Buy her flowers, explain it again delicately and say it won't happen again. If it does happen again, dont tell her. Does it help if you jerk off before getting waxed?
That makes a difference. But. She’s saying that you are cheating. So. Either she is cheating and trying to deflect or she doesn’t trust you. Not good.
She definitely changed her mind and was showing me barely any interest. The whole experience honestly made me feel like I was 'too much' and undeserving of a relationship or love. It really hurt me.
Tbh, it's been 3 years since I've had a serious relationship or got to this stage with anybody. Since my last relationship 3 years ago, I've built a really good circle of friends who fulfil most of my needs, a promising career and have gone to therapy to become (mostly) stable. I really hope I can find somebody who has a similar sense of humor that I'm attracted to in the future. Thank you internet stranger
She told him and he walked away. If I were her I’d tell him they were not his and block him. Fuck that guy.
Fiscal responsibility is important to most people looking to have a long term partnership.
If you two aren’t aligned on finances then this probably isn’t going to work out. It’s one of the key reasons people break up.
I (44F) make a lot more than my partner. But he’s fiscally responsible. We do his/hers/ours accounts and pay our shared bills like rent or utilities out of “ours” that we each pay into based on percent of total income. What’s left from our pay goes into our personal accts.
That way, we never really have to worry about money. If he wants to go buy a new boat or I want to buy another horse? We can do it and don’t need to have a discussion.
Perhaps keeping things separate and not discussing purchases would be helpful.
Sounds like you don't wanna be in a relationship. Buying one beer a day is not a big deal but it's weird if my GF would go to a bar every day to drink by herself. What would others think who go to that bar often? I mean it's ok to go once or twice a week if you had a hectic day but everyday? Alone? Sounds very weird to me. And what the heck is me time? Just break up if you want “ME time” then you can have all the ME time you want.
He tried to claim that he showed up because he was “afraid i was going to drive home drunk” but i feel like that was an excuse. Look i was very intoxicated but we had a DD and if not i was gonna uber home
This is the toxic use of the word “fair” I has ever seen and I m worried I'd he “wouldn't let you break up with him” if you tried …. it is just so nonsensical to try to live like this!
I never did that but I knew it is a girl thing
You do you,
But I've just realised how delightfully relaxing this sounds.
You do you,
But I've just realised how delightfully relaxing this sounds.
This, 100,000%.
So he wants you be his mom/ATM/blow up doll.
Why are you trying to string this girl along? Block her on everything and be done with it, for her sake.
A whole lot of fantasies are best kept as one. This will fundamentally change your relationship… and likley not in a good way.
Totally understand. These days it’s pretty rare that any family can exist on one income.
What he wants doesn’t matter when it comes to YOUR body. You are NOT his to share. The fact he asked his friends before speaking to you is extremely disrespectful and leads me to think he views you as less than human. He cares more about discussing it with the other man than the person who will be getting fucked by him. Idk, this would be a huge deal breaker for me. Please don’t do anything you don’t want to. You’re not obligated to play out his fantasies and after spending enough time on this sub, these types of things always tend to go poorly. I can’t tell you how many posts like this I’ve seen where the man gets upset at his wife after he nonstop pressured her into fucking someone else. Some relationships even ended. Just be careful and remember : saying no it’s absolutely valid and he isn’t entitled to pimp you out to his friends at a whim.
Insecure that you won't be enough to keep her?
It was my decision to leave as soon as I did, he wanted me to wait and find somewhere healthy and stable. It was my choice, but ever since I left I feel like he’s just checked out. Maybe he’s felt that way the whole time and now it’s just coming out
It would honestly mean the world to me if we got to catch up one last time. I think I’m gonna reach out. Do you have any advice on how to deal with it if she says no/doesn’t want to?
I posted my ig posts on my story on purpose for that reason but even then he didn't like it
Well then don’t promise someone to marry them and string them along when they tell you they are pro-marriage. Obviously if you’re anti-marriage you should be dating other who feel/think likewise.