Unfortunately, both of you have two different aspirations. You need to figure out why he does not want to be married. I read what he said, but why? How old are both of you? If he is very young like 21 than no wonder why he doesn't want to be married.
If the reason why he does not want to be marry is not suitable to you, then I'm sorry. Do what you need to do to find someone who shares that same dream as you. It's not worth staying with him if he can't share or compromise.
There's your answer. If he did indeed spoil his exes, it means he can give thoughtful and/or expensive gifts, he just doesn't want to. He's ten years your senior and has you jumping through hoots and doubting yourself for… what, exactly? He doesn't sound like a catch. Cut your losses and move on, he doesn't care about you as much as you care about him.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this! It sounds like such a disappointment.
The one piece of advice I'd like to convey is that the way these people are behaving is very likely more about them and their insecurities than it is about you. It's passive-aggressive and meant to bring you down so they can feel better. It's dysfunctional, and always remember that it says more about them and their internal struggles than it does anything genuine about you.
So what to do in the meantime?
Take some time for yourself and do a little self-care while you're on your trip. Book a massage, get your nails done, go to a cafe and enjoy a coffee, etc. Just something to take care of yourself without the negative noise so you can recharge and feel a little better on your own terms.
It may also help to think about how you want to address what happened at some point, and I have a couple of ideas on that.
For anyone that you want to remain close to, I would bring it up. Maybe not this trip, but eventually when you feel more comfortable. Say the negativity was unexpected and hurtful and ask if there is something going on with them that has brought it out. A little warning – it might not go well. People get a little flustered when confronted with honesty like that. But this tactic should really only be used with someone whose relationship you think can get past this. It should be addressed because if it's not, it will probably come out again.
For those that you're not sure about or don't want to remain close with, remember that you can't be honest with someone who isn't honest with themselves. Their reaction is passive-aggressive and meant to bring you down so they can feel better about themselves. Getting through to someone that hasn't matured enough to know their own weaknesses or have some self-awareness is an uphill battle and might not be worth your time. People in this group should stay at arm's length, if not out of the picture completely. I would learn to ignore them and start to reframe those comments for what they really are – a very sad way to make themselves feel better.
In the end, it sounds like you feel happy and healthy with all the progress you've made – and that's all that really matters.
So youre husband would be upset if he finds out that his best friend is having consentual intercourse with his SIL? I mean, you should definitly tell him but he cant be mad at them for having a little fling. Theyre both adults and can make decisions for themself.
Thank you for taking the time to write. I think I should definitely book an appointment with my counsellor. And thank you for the reminder to tell him how much I love and appreciate him
My half brother's first gf used to do the same with me. We didn't grow together and when I was 18 I went to go meet him and she was not happy about it. ?
This guy is another example of someone trying to trash someone innocent into a one sided relationship where you feel like you always have to serve or please him and he doesn't have to reciprocate. He's setting up a dynamic and trying to dominate you into it.
Dump this loser. Write a list of qualities you want in a man. Look for them. There's no fixing this guy's mind, it's warped. He doesn't know how good relationships work. That's not up to you to teach him, and he will just pretend he is listening and subtlety wear you down. You can only teach an open mind, his is firmly closed.
Based on your experience? I think having a kid was the most worth it thing I have done. It may have been selfish, but I absolutely adore my son, and wish I could have kept a copy of him at ever age… except maybe 14.
If you're looking for permission OP, yes, you have permission to excise this person from your life. No one with any self respect would put up with that.
Also, I don't know where you live, but check employment laws. Your supervisor may be violating your confidentiality by ratting you out to your dad, especially if he took any disciplinary action – even a verbal warning.
You've had 2 years experience waiting tables. Maybe find a new job where your dad has no connections?
Well let's see how long the fog lasts, the tingles are gone and reality of living with someone who pursued a married woman lasts. I'm sure when he gets bored from the old boring conquest and pursues the next challenge OP will be thrilled ?. Grass is greener where it is watered. Now you get to play prison guard OP! Good luck!
BTW, I’m mentioning it here only because it’s anonymous and objectively speaking, things haven’t worked out great for her. I’m sure everyone has their ups and downs but comparison is the thief of joy. And when you live next to each other you can’t help but compare.
This is very similar to how you feel with an overachieving sibling or a cousin but you are not living together everyday.
Try to be helpful to the guy trying to fix instead of blaming him.
hugs, he's abusive so you need to run not walk because he has to be in control of you. He feels like he owns you and can tell you what to do and when to do it and then threaten you. Please leave.
Tell her you're concerned this relationship is becoming isolating. That even when she's with others she ignores them to be in constant contact with her bf. Remind her relationships are meant to be part of your life but not your whole life, and describe the ways you keep up with friends, family, hobbies, etc without your fiance being constantly involved.
He sounds controlling, if he gets mad when she wants to hang up. Like he's keeping tabs on her more than bonding with her through these calls.
Yes but her diagnosis is only as good as her assessment was comprehensive. Is she following medication and counseling? I think you could offer some perspective on her behavior. She is unlikely to report behavior she has already normalized in her mind.
OHH MY FUCKING CHRIST! Get your shit and get the fuck out of there for now, Stay at a hotel or something; STAND UP for your self and stop being a bitch what the actual fuck…
Nope. Let her cry it out but NOPE!!!! A break up was in order. If the genders were reversed, folks would say to “break up with him/leave him/ you deserve better.”
Op, let her have her fun and pls get tested. You caught her today. Who's to say this isn't her pattern of behavior.
Nope!!! You did the right thing. That apology is for her. Now you both can move on.
And you didn’t take that as the biggest red flag ever??? You still got pregnant by him? Girl please open your eyes and get away from this man because he does not care about you. I agree with other commenters saying you probably should get an abortion so you won’t be tied to him at all anymore.
This isn't your decision. She gets to break up with you and you just have to live with it. She was kind enough to tell you why she was unsatisfied in the relationship so you can try to grow from that information. Take time to be hurt and sad and then move on with your life.
That is not what I meant. Not using my kids for anything. It was more for the hope that they might change. Yes, I do have hesitations about being a parent. I don't have any good examples of what one looks like. But at the end of the day they are still my blood parents.
Find yourself a new hobby and friends so you can put some distance between him and you. That’s how you do it when you’re in a relationship if you have a crush: if possible remove them from your life, if not put some real distance between you.
It sounds like bob doesn't want to own up to what he did and being a POS friend that he is. Also it's better than it happening the day of the wedding. The stress of paying for a plate for him and his guest and a place for them to sit for them to get there and leave because you are there
I also find it SO fascinating that you recently made a post about it not being shallow/insecure to not want to date a woman stronger than you. How would that be any less shallow than not dating someone for their looks?
Wow what an absolute shitty therapist. You absolutely can get your love back if both parties are trying. You have to practice, and it might be kinda awkward at first though. If you can get past that, then you still need to maintain intimacy over time.
Knowing more about yourself and why you act certain ways will help you continue forward and make informed decisions.
You guys both want to keep trying so keep trying. Making it through a hard time in a relationship builds it even stronger.
And that is okay too….at least he is communicating with her for his needs she doesn't do even that!!! He has also needs and he has every right to have needs. She should learn to communicate with him as an adult!
You already have 3 kids, jesus. Selfish people like you who pop kids out with no forethought of how it will affect your current children are disgusting. Your wife should leave you.
Well the thing is he is my first partner, and so I’ve only had sex with him and it’s such an intimate thing it’s weird for me to think about doing it with multiple people. If I ever have more partners I will know what it’s like and I think it would calm the insecurity a little.
I just try so hard to be amazing for him I really only care about making it good for him I’ve never even gotten close to having an orgasm with him but I always make sure he has a good one. And cause I’m all perfectionist about it it stops me from actually enjoying it myself but I don’t even care about that
But like why would MY boyfriend find it weird that I was complimenting myself? Like if you love someone, you would want them to love themselves yknow?? Like why make confused faces and stuff. Doesnt sit right w me tbh
First. Do not invest with your dad. His financial situation will end up tanking the new business because debtors will come after that. So. Also know that most businesses fail. I’ve started 3. One was really successful. The others were not. A couple choices. Be honest. If dad is involved, mom and the people considering a lawsuit could and will come after the new business which is too much risk for you to take on. You won’t lie about his involvement because it’s illegal. You could do it on your own but then dad will resent you. Same with your uncle. If you do go ahead, have an attorney and a financial advisor look over the entirety of the winery. Starting from scratch. It sounds as if dad might be someone who just trusts what he’s told. There could be outstanding liens and investors. Start from scratch if you go ahead.
Haha. Oh!! I have a whole list of insecurities so I'm absolutely running the risks you've described. But is that risk part of the rush I'm after though? I mean, I really don't get this myself
Assuming that she never cheated on you, just for the sake of the discussion, sure thing “things” happened between them involving sex in group. What is more humiliating is to bring you unknowingly and unwillingly in this , as by New Order defines, “Bizarre love triangle” and manage to make you best friend of them all…
If you want the naked truth and have the possibility, go for a polygraph test. Good luck!
You sound just like my ex and I know it’s not worth explaining to you. Your actions are what a shitty person would do and believe it or not you can keep your feelings in check out of respect for your relationship. Learn to grow up and take accountability.
An old fashions, snail mail letter–with legitimate stationary.
YOU NEED TO GET YOUR KIDS & YOU OUT
You can figure out “the blame game”, (Husband, Mom) & how you got to this point AFTER you all are safe.
Folks here have given you weblinks to Domestic Abuse resources in UK. USE THEM NOW.
STOP speaking to that pathetic excuse of a human who claims to be your Mom. She is of no help to you & frankly, will get your kids & you killed.
YOU CAN DO THIS. YOU CAN BRING SAFETY TO YOUR CHILDREN & YOU.
Usually, it's “ladies first” unless you're somewhere women aren't allowed up front in the car. Conventionally speaking.
Most of the time, with my siblings anyway, it was whoever made it to the car on two feet before the other four kids…
No, this wouldn’t work.
Unfortunately, both of you have two different aspirations. You need to figure out why he does not want to be married. I read what he said, but why? How old are both of you? If he is very young like 21 than no wonder why he doesn't want to be married.
If the reason why he does not want to be marry is not suitable to you, then I'm sorry. Do what you need to do to find someone who shares that same dream as you. It's not worth staying with him if he can't share or compromise.
Yep! Couldn’t agree with you more, my friend!
that gay shit – you sounding homophobic. anal is not stictly gay shit and pegging is specifically a heterosexual thing.
There's your answer. If he did indeed spoil his exes, it means he can give thoughtful and/or expensive gifts, he just doesn't want to. He's ten years your senior and has you jumping through hoots and doubting yourself for… what, exactly? He doesn't sound like a catch. Cut your losses and move on, he doesn't care about you as much as you care about him.
It’s this sub Reddit so not surprised. If this is mental sickness then I guess 90% of men I know have mental illnesses
Gross age gap we meet again.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this! It sounds like such a disappointment.
The one piece of advice I'd like to convey is that the way these people are behaving is very likely more about them and their insecurities than it is about you. It's passive-aggressive and meant to bring you down so they can feel better. It's dysfunctional, and always remember that it says more about them and their internal struggles than it does anything genuine about you.
So what to do in the meantime?
Take some time for yourself and do a little self-care while you're on your trip. Book a massage, get your nails done, go to a cafe and enjoy a coffee, etc. Just something to take care of yourself without the negative noise so you can recharge and feel a little better on your own terms.
It may also help to think about how you want to address what happened at some point, and I have a couple of ideas on that.
For anyone that you want to remain close to, I would bring it up. Maybe not this trip, but eventually when you feel more comfortable. Say the negativity was unexpected and hurtful and ask if there is something going on with them that has brought it out. A little warning – it might not go well. People get a little flustered when confronted with honesty like that. But this tactic should really only be used with someone whose relationship you think can get past this. It should be addressed because if it's not, it will probably come out again.
For those that you're not sure about or don't want to remain close with, remember that you can't be honest with someone who isn't honest with themselves. Their reaction is passive-aggressive and meant to bring you down so they can feel better about themselves. Getting through to someone that hasn't matured enough to know their own weaknesses or have some self-awareness is an uphill battle and might not be worth your time. People in this group should stay at arm's length, if not out of the picture completely. I would learn to ignore them and start to reframe those comments for what they really are – a very sad way to make themselves feel better.
In the end, it sounds like you feel happy and healthy with all the progress you've made – and that's all that really matters.
So youre husband would be upset if he finds out that his best friend is having consentual intercourse with his SIL? I mean, you should definitly tell him but he cant be mad at them for having a little fling. Theyre both adults and can make decisions for themself.
Could also be in a bad neighborhood.
Thank you for taking the time to write. I think I should definitely book an appointment with my counsellor. And thank you for the reminder to tell him how much I love and appreciate him
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My half brother's first gf used to do the same with me. We didn't grow together and when I was 18 I went to go meet him and she was not happy about it. ?
This guy is another example of someone trying to trash someone innocent into a one sided relationship where you feel like you always have to serve or please him and he doesn't have to reciprocate. He's setting up a dynamic and trying to dominate you into it.
Dump this loser. Write a list of qualities you want in a man. Look for them. There's no fixing this guy's mind, it's warped. He doesn't know how good relationships work. That's not up to you to teach him, and he will just pretend he is listening and subtlety wear you down. You can only teach an open mind, his is firmly closed.
There are loads of men out there.
Based on your experience? I think having a kid was the most worth it thing I have done. It may have been selfish, but I absolutely adore my son, and wish I could have kept a copy of him at ever age… except maybe 14.
She cheats on you because she knows you let her get away with it. This isn’t the first time and it won’t be the last time until you dump her.
Your boyfriend made a very inappropriate joke to your dads face about fucking his son and you’re acting like your dad is the problem?
If you're looking for permission OP, yes, you have permission to excise this person from your life. No one with any self respect would put up with that.
Um, yes. It is abusive. Your need to “punish” your partner is childish and disturbing AF.
You're 19.
Also, I don't know where you live, but check employment laws. Your supervisor may be violating your confidentiality by ratting you out to your dad, especially if he took any disciplinary action – even a verbal warning.
You've had 2 years experience waiting tables. Maybe find a new job where your dad has no connections?
Personally, I would tell her family and her suicide threats. They can get her the help she needs.
Well let's see how long the fog lasts, the tingles are gone and reality of living with someone who pursued a married woman lasts. I'm sure when he gets bored from the old boring conquest and pursues the next challenge OP will be thrilled ?. Grass is greener where it is watered. Now you get to play prison guard OP! Good luck!
Do Ancestry DNA test for him and your husband. It will show everything
BTW, I’m mentioning it here only because it’s anonymous and objectively speaking, things haven’t worked out great for her. I’m sure everyone has their ups and downs but comparison is the thief of joy. And when you live next to each other you can’t help but compare.
This is very similar to how you feel with an overachieving sibling or a cousin but you are not living together everyday.
Try to be helpful to the guy trying to fix instead of blaming him.
hugs, he's abusive so you need to run not walk because he has to be in control of you. He feels like he owns you and can tell you what to do and when to do it and then threaten you. Please leave.
All you gotta do is say ” You sound like my ex gf when you talk like that and it reminds me of her” Don't explain further.
My Mum is completely against L attending
No one owes you anything, no one is coming to save you. If I get any inheritance from my parents then it is just a bonus.
Tell her you're concerned this relationship is becoming isolating. That even when she's with others she ignores them to be in constant contact with her bf. Remind her relationships are meant to be part of your life but not your whole life, and describe the ways you keep up with friends, family, hobbies, etc without your fiance being constantly involved.
He sounds controlling, if he gets mad when she wants to hang up. Like he's keeping tabs on her more than bonding with her through these calls.
Yes but her diagnosis is only as good as her assessment was comprehensive. Is she following medication and counseling? I think you could offer some perspective on her behavior. She is unlikely to report behavior she has already normalized in her mind.
OHH MY FUCKING CHRIST! Get your shit and get the fuck out of there for now, Stay at a hotel or something; STAND UP for your self and stop being a bitch what the actual fuck…
Your GF has mental health and maturity issues. Run from this. She had finally shown what kind of person SHE is.
And then what?
Female family members.
Go check your grammar.
He is going for somebody who is over 20 years younger than him, there’s a reason women his own age aren’t interested in him.
I’m not excusing him but he didn’t know I was a virgin and I’m turning 20 in march
Nope. Let her cry it out but NOPE!!!! A break up was in order. If the genders were reversed, folks would say to “break up with him/leave him/ you deserve better.”
Op, let her have her fun and pls get tested. You caught her today. Who's to say this isn't her pattern of behavior.
Nope!!! You did the right thing. That apology is for her. Now you both can move on.
Call the friend and tell her either she tells her or you do.
And you didn’t take that as the biggest red flag ever??? You still got pregnant by him? Girl please open your eyes and get away from this man because he does not care about you. I agree with other commenters saying you probably should get an abortion so you won’t be tied to him at all anymore.
Ya something doesn't seem right here
My view is that you posted this before.
This isn't your decision. She gets to break up with you and you just have to live with it. She was kind enough to tell you why she was unsatisfied in the relationship so you can try to grow from that information. Take time to be hurt and sad and then move on with your life.
That is not what I meant. Not using my kids for anything. It was more for the hope that they might change. Yes, I do have hesitations about being a parent. I don't have any good examples of what one looks like. But at the end of the day they are still my blood parents.
Find yourself a new hobby and friends so you can put some distance between him and you. That’s how you do it when you’re in a relationship if you have a crush: if possible remove them from your life, if not put some real distance between you.
It sounds like bob doesn't want to own up to what he did and being a POS friend that he is. Also it's better than it happening the day of the wedding. The stress of paying for a plate for him and his guest and a place for them to sit for them to get there and leave because you are there
Worried about what? Why exactly are you doing this?
Did your fiancé agree to this? Did he understand it would be long-term?
I also find it SO fascinating that you recently made a post about it not being shallow/insecure to not want to date a woman stronger than you. How would that be any less shallow than not dating someone for their looks?
Wow what an absolute shitty therapist. You absolutely can get your love back if both parties are trying. You have to practice, and it might be kinda awkward at first though. If you can get past that, then you still need to maintain intimacy over time.
Knowing more about yourself and why you act certain ways will help you continue forward and make informed decisions.
You guys both want to keep trying so keep trying. Making it through a hard time in a relationship builds it even stronger.
And that is okay too….at least he is communicating with her for his needs she doesn't do even that!!! He has also needs and he has every right to have needs. She should learn to communicate with him as an adult!
What did she say when you expressed this?
You already have 3 kids, jesus. Selfish people like you who pop kids out with no forethought of how it will affect your current children are disgusting. Your wife should leave you.
It's also easier to get, generally.
Like others have said, she'll just have to deal. She has the luxury of taking a nap in the middle of the day that you don't.
Does she do a lot of volunteer work she leaves the house for, or does she do something else? If not, then she can just deal with it.
Why the actual fucccc do all of you think I’m encouraging this? Stop jumping to conclusions. I NEVER said I condone this or encourage it.
Well the thing is he is my first partner, and so I’ve only had sex with him and it’s such an intimate thing it’s weird for me to think about doing it with multiple people. If I ever have more partners I will know what it’s like and I think it would calm the insecurity a little.
I just try so hard to be amazing for him I really only care about making it good for him I’ve never even gotten close to having an orgasm with him but I always make sure he has a good one. And cause I’m all perfectionist about it it stops me from actually enjoying it myself but I don’t even care about that
Will he miss your actual birthday, or just be away during a weekend in which you were thinking of celebrating it?
Or OP is trying to come up with a good cover story for how this happened and is hoping the community will solve her problem. OP could be the cheater.
But like why would MY boyfriend find it weird that I was complimenting myself? Like if you love someone, you would want them to love themselves yknow?? Like why make confused faces and stuff. Doesnt sit right w me tbh
First. Do not invest with your dad. His financial situation will end up tanking the new business because debtors will come after that. So. Also know that most businesses fail. I’ve started 3. One was really successful. The others were not. A couple choices. Be honest. If dad is involved, mom and the people considering a lawsuit could and will come after the new business which is too much risk for you to take on. You won’t lie about his involvement because it’s illegal. You could do it on your own but then dad will resent you. Same with your uncle. If you do go ahead, have an attorney and a financial advisor look over the entirety of the winery. Starting from scratch. It sounds as if dad might be someone who just trusts what he’s told. There could be outstanding liens and investors. Start from scratch if you go ahead.
Haha. Oh!! I have a whole list of insecurities so I'm absolutely running the risks you've described. But is that risk part of the rush I'm after though? I mean, I really don't get this myself
Who is berating him? Why is there an assumption of control?
You got this. You don't need a reason to end a relationship. But this post alone shows that you have many reasons.
To not have a partner for one weekend a month would be hard for me, but that’s coming from someone whose lived w their partner for 4+ years
I rely on my partner and we do everything together
Maybe he feels like you aren’t trying to integrate yourself more into the family of him and his daughter?
OP is using European language… they don’t tip.
Assuming that she never cheated on you, just for the sake of the discussion, sure thing “things” happened between them involving sex in group. What is more humiliating is to bring you unknowingly and unwillingly in this , as by New Order defines, “Bizarre love triangle” and manage to make you best friend of them all…
If you want the naked truth and have the possibility, go for a polygraph test. Good luck!
That's not accountability bc you didn't do it with your boyfriends. We can't hold you accountable bc we don't know you. This has to be a troll.
You sound just like my ex and I know it’s not worth explaining to you. Your actions are what a shitty person would do and believe it or not you can keep your feelings in check out of respect for your relationship. Learn to grow up and take accountability.
Thing is, he knows what she’s doing and where she’s at. It’s not like she just bounces without saying anything.
“Top 43” Oddly specific.
Adam and Eve (online store) does not sell green pills so you need to ask her when she wakes up.
Your wife doesn’t get to make that decision unilaterally though.
She believes she does because she’s the one breastfeeding and that I’m “not the one waking up in the middle of the night to feed her”.
I did tell her that I’m fine taking turns waking up and that she can pump her milk.
If you leave it up to your kid, she will be sleeping with you until she’s a preteen.
That’s exactly what mum wants, frankly.
Also, how can you even be intimate or want to be intimate when the baby is in the bed with you?
That’s a simple one, we don’t. We’ve had (bad) sex less than once a month since she was born.
but I believe given that it’s my home and she’s a guest she should say it.
Maybe she believes since she's the one who is a guest, you're the one who should say it. Or maybe she's just socially awkward or shy.
I don't see why you need to make an issue out of this instead of just saying hi to her yourself.
Glad you got your cat back!!!
Glad I got this update lol