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Kteis and Max, 39 y.o.
Location: EU
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Date: October 13, 2022
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This is definitely worth breaking up over. If that's how he reacts to a wrong turn or a question about lotion, then you need to have a person with you when you break up. Don't go by yourself. Those “alpha male” types tend to lose their shit when they get broken up with. It's a blow to the ego. It's not going to be easy and you'll need support.
It sounds like he’s not that into you.
There’s a chance he’s trying to play it cool. There’s a chance he just doesn’t know what the rules are, so he’s underplaying. But usually if people are interested, they make the effort.
My advice is this: sometimes you need to ask for the things you want. If you want him to be better about texting, ask if he’s open it. If you want to spend more alone time together, ask if he’s open to it. Take his answer with a bit of caution and see if he actually delivers. If yeah, great. If nah, at least you know for sure where his head is at.
He is isolating you that you won't leave. You need to go, now, otherwise you never will. He is scared your sister will say the same thing when she is with you.
From what OP wrote, I see some pretty solid red flags that indicate that he is not rehabilitated yet, and if she wants a happy relationship – he is not the right guy. It is not her responsibility to get him rehabilitated. He needs to get it done himself.
I am working with a behavior specialist/trainer for my rescue dog and it’s absolutely more about training the humans! She comes to the house and talks out issues and shows us what to do, and checks back to see how it’s going. It has all been individual at home and so much more helpful than like a Petsmart obedience class but this is for a dog with pre existing issues, a puppy class at Petsmart would probably help a lot in this case if the wife was willing (which I don’t think she is but maybe I’m wrong). We are also doing a joint session with a friend and her dog after Christmas so we can get some advice on managing both of their issues with other dogs – it’s hard for the trainer to evaluate that when she doesn’t actually see them with other strange dogs (I do have another dog at home but managing their relationship is different than meeting new dogs) so I’m glad my friend is up for this too!
He’s completely gaslighting you and tried to manipulate you and coerce you into sex. He also lied about his gender. This is disgusting behavior and very abusive. Run.
Shame cause we were getting on like a house on fire until I dropped my foot in it
Your husband already robbed you of your reproductive years. If you left him today and found Mr Right tomorrow, you'd already be on the wrong side of 40 when you and him would be ready to have kids. Freeze your eggs now and leave your husband now if the kids thing is a deal breaker. You don't want to be 50 and bitter, and kids vs no kids is not something you guys can compromise on.
You need a full STI panel.
You can’t make someone change. This is who he is. You either accept it or move on
Our relationship wasn’t a traditional sugar relationship in the sense of a regular allowance, but he would spoil me
Honey, you're kidding yourself
Sounds like he wants to take the role of the “victim” by putting you in the position to move forward with divorce. Why stay with someone who only wants to hurt you at this point? Even if he is acting this way because he’s truly scared of losing you or whatever, it really doesn’t do him any favors as far as being emotionally competent to be in a serious relationship of any kind.
Why is getting a DUI your breaking point, and not him driving drunk? Why does it matter whether he gets caught?
And from him perspective, he's not going to change because he's afraid of losing you after a DUI. He's already gambling on not getting a DUI. In his mind, that simply won't happen.
Divorce her, sue her for half of the assets and make sure you get alimony from her.
So, it kinda sounds like this guy is a shitty friend to begin with. I’d say that “adults dont keep compulsive liars with a god-complex around,” but then I remember you’re just underaged kids getting drunk (illegally?).
Maybe re-evaluate your life choices and who you keep as company when sober. I dont know what else to really comment here because you’ve willingly put yourself in this situation that you shouldnt be in, consented all the way, and even were silly enough to get WALKED IN ON while going about this dumb foolery.
Take it as a life lesson, be thankful that there were no permanent consequences from the night, and remember this shame/embarrassment as a deterrent from repeating these choices.
Literally everything he’s done in this post, dude.
That issue is probably why she doesn’t want to tell you the shitty thing(s) he said. She doesn’t want it to blow up into a huge flaming issue with repercussions all around, perhaps, and knows that would likely happen if she told you.
He literally is trying to act like he did a good thing by not raping her. Jesus fuck y’all are so lost
Get away from this man IMMEDIATELY. He’s abusive, scary and has access to guns. He will attempt to kill you
Has he thought about going to therapy maybe? You’re making this still all about you and your guilt. Good for getting the help and finding what works instead of letting your illness win and continuing on path of destruction. The past is the past, all you can do is continue on your journey of healing and being a better person to him and yourself. Reopening old wounds doesn’t accomplish anything and won’t help with proceeding on in life. This guilt between you and your past self is a demon only you should be fighting and find a way to overcome it on your own, it’s not your husbands battle.
Some people have sensory issues where they just FEEL everything more.
My daughter is like this… does she have a headache or nausea or whatever then she doesn't want to do things. Yes, she is getting treatment for underlying issues but she still feels more. I deal with it because it is my daughter and try to get her to do stuff when she is feeling good.
But if my partner was not taking any steps to deal with this I don't know if I would choose them to build a life with.
I assume he acts like this with you because he feels comfortable with you…just like little kids act okay at school but fall apart at home because they feel safe.
Maybe you could say to him:
“I have noticed you have major sensory issues… be it paper cuts or babies crying…I know they affect you more than the average person. However, they are affecting our life to a great degree… I am getting burnt out picking up the slack. I need you to take charge of yourself and not melt into a puddle when something happens. I have seen you do it around your friends and family.. If you get a paper cut, then you need to put pain ointment on it and then do the dishes later, not expect me to do it. Or if you hear babies screaming you need to get out some noise canceling headphones and deal with it. Maybe there is more to your health than I know, but I know I cannot deal with all the cancellation/changing of plans. “