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Date: November 29, 2022
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I had a similar situation. It feels impossible to go on, but somehow you will find the strength. I believe in you. Just take each day one at a time and try your best. I'm truly sorry you have to deal with this I know how you feel
I hope you were able to take screenshots of everything from the photos to the texts and also got the information about his moving plans. It's fucked up but now that you know about it you can be one step ahead of him and plan an exit.
Updateme!
Could drugs be involved? That's a lot of money
What your boyfriend did was absolutely NOT ok. You should seriously question whether his morals align with your own.
Happy Birthday! I am sorry you are going through a hard time. If you are in California and have some time off maybe drive up to the mountains. Some fresh air and change of scene (if you live in the mountains maybe drive to the coast :-)). Take care.
He's socially awkward. Invite him out for a drink, maybe some alcohol will lubricate his nerves
Damn, 20-year-olds be out here wildin'
Nope. Tell her mommy was a hoe and couldn't keep her legs shut for the sake of the family. ?
I agree. These are not your friends.
You are not dumb. Or stupid. But you do need to find a real friend. And drop those losers.
And congrats on the 97!
If you have challenges, look into what accommodations you can get from your school. I know my sons 401 will follow him into college. I don’t know why you have to do to get that started once you’re an adult.
“Strange” as in “not your own.”
One thing I would reassure yourself is you are a good person who is deserving of the love you give. In his eyes he didn’t see you as that person but that’s the fault of him, not you. Losing any relationship is tough, so I’m sorry you are going through this! Take time for yourself and focus on yourself. Spend more time with people who lift you up and care for you. Most importantly, don’t settle for anything less than you deserve!
He honestly has trauma with therapy from the past and so i think he wants to start off together but I definitely want to transition to individual therapy as we get started and through it. I have my own individual therapy team tho for my medication.
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Uh huh. So he met a much younger woman, immediately dumped his kids on the ex to move in with you, and told you it was because he never wanted kids anyway, she manipulated him into it but somehow also didn’t want him to take care of them.
Wow. So odd how, in this version of the story, he’s basically a saint. Those evil women, manipulating men into having kids just to ban them from ever taking care of those kids! He practically had no choice but to leave them and move hundreds of miles away!
What are your circumstances? Are you high school students? College? working people?
First of all I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this and facing issues with your kidneys. That’s tough. Try and go a bit easy on him. He went to visit his mum before she went away, so it’s not as if he was away to the pub with his friends or nights out etc. There will be loads of hormone changes in your body just now which can make you depressed, anxious etc so you will be feeling it more than he is. Hope you’re feeling better soon.
Girl do you not know the meaning of Feb?? What were you expecting lmfao
I know this isn’t what you want to read, but please, please get some help. You’re only 18, you have your whole life ahead of you.
Your parents seem to be extremely worried about you and want you to get better. Having read the post, I can feel their frustration. It’s still their job to keep you safe and love you.
Just please get some help ?
Misleading title.
Unless they've done things you haven't mentioned here, they're undeserving of the way you speak about them and I can only assume to them. I am really sorry you're going through this, but surely you know it's ridiculous to think your parents should just sit back and watch you kill yourself.
Seek help. And don't use the R word.
Totally a red flag, she’s shown her colors.
why did you ever marry him in the first place? it seems like he’s been acting this way consistently. the longer you stay, the harder your life gets
I mean I've definitely said “if we ever live together….” and he has responded positively. We have very similar wants as far as types of places we want to live, wanting animals and other small things. But, those questions have definitely not been brought up in a serious conversation that is meant for a future that includes the 2 of us. Is that normal around now? I've had one long term relationship and those questions were just slowly and randomly answered. I just feel like it's so early to be answering those questions, but everyone else disagrees with me lol
Surgery is extremely daunting and scary. Just give her the time she needs.
If you can't trust her then leave her. You don't owe her staying together with her. Thing hard about as it is an understanable decision.
Now the following is if you decide to stay.
It seems she has chosen you, but there is problem. I can't imagine you being ok with them staying in any dort of contact even if you want to stay with her. It doesn't matter how inconvenient it might be she needs to have zero contact(including messages) with him if you were to ever trust her again. If she needs to quit her job, so be it, it's consequence of her own actions. Obviously you should access to each other messages in general, as to make occasional anxiety checking to not be spying.
So as soon as the money stopped coming in you suddenly “realized” he's not everything you thought he would be? Lmao. I think that says more about you OP than it does him.
I suspect that should he go back to providing generously you'll be willing to forget his “Transgressions” and conveniently forget this post too. Lol
For sure. It was great meeting you and hearing a similar story. Have a good night. ?
Sometimes your partner can do everything right and still accidentally cross your boundaries, especially when alcohol and non-con play (or a past of non-con play) is involved. Sometimes saying 'no' (or in this case the safe word) is really hard… You don't want to disappoint your partner, you get all in your head about it and before you even realize what has happened, you feel disgusting as if something non-consensual happened. The problem is that it's all going on in your head and there's no way for your partner to know. Even though you consented, you didn't want to consent and that leads to some complicated feelings.
The people commenting telling you that you need to communicate aren't wrong, but I don't think they really understand. This has happened to me before in every relationship I've been in. I'm into some rough/non-con stuff and while sometimes I love it, sometimes I really don't. Unfortunately, when I get triggered, I freeze and I'm unable to communicate in the moment to tell my partner to stop. Obviously not a good mixture but it is what it is. It leads to me feeling disgusting and guilty because I don't want my partner to feel bad but I also want to communicate how upset I am. It feels like I have no right to be upset.
The truth is though… You can be upset and hurt without placing blame. You weren't able to communicate in the moment but you need to communicate now to make it better. You need to talk to him and tell him what happened. Reassure him that he didn't do anything wrong, but you still reacted that way and need xyz, whatever it is. Maybe you need him to remind you that he would never hurt you, maybe you just need him to know how you felt, maybe you need lots of hugs. That will rebuild trust and make you feel better, you might even feel closer after he reminds you how much he cares for you.
If you generally consent to filming when he asks, and he still tries to film without asking first, its the lack of consent he wants. He does it because you dont consent to it.
Freezing up in the moment is entirely understandable! It can be hard to act in the moment when something like that happens. You have now had it happened three separate times, you have talked about it several times, he says sorry and deletes it, and then he does it again. This wont stop, because he has no interest in stopping himself, and there are no external reason to stop.
Is someone who constantly violates your consent to do something you would have consented to had he just asked, really worth your time?
Also October 2024 which I will heavily halt until all debt is taken care of.
So “I'm going to do this thing and I'm also going to do this other thing” is manipulative now?
Hon, maybe you should see someone about whatever issues you're dealing with.
Problem is it's mostly the women who use birth control. Maybe men who doesn't want children could take some responsibility and use it themselves.
Also, it's totally fine to stop birth control, but ofc you should mention it to your partner.
Wait a few months then circle back and break it off. Don't ever bring up this moment again just find whatever other reason and cut her off.
No.
Is there a 3rd location you could try?
Yeah! Just to him in a private chat, that's why I'm not happy about it and feel like it's weird
I will now stop trying fluffing up my words. And thank you for sharing your views on the problems I am experiencing.
So our plan was that I would let her know when she's drinking too much so that she could take it down a notch.
That's ridiculous. It's not your responsibility to control her drinking. She's an adult, it's her responsibility.
Should I try harder, go to couples therapy, AA meetings, etc.?
You shouldn't go to meetings, she needs to go to meetings. Either she takes accountability and tries to resolve it or you leave.
You can't change someone else, only they can decide to change and do it for themselves.
Tell him he needs to get sober if he wants to remain in the relationship. If he doesn’t do it, break up with him. He’s clearly struggling, but substance abuse is a part of the cycle for him. He needs to get sober.
Why do you even have a girlfriend if you won't make time for her?
(And yes, it's a “won't,” not a “can't.”)
I’d run. Celibacy and focus on your wants … all I can suggest wholeheartedly.
Yeah….the fcking ducks. My gut tells me you're right, and I guess with my history, any severity of this sort is a no-go. I don't want to snoop due to personal reasons, but I guess if a guy feels he has to, then the relationships probably fcked either way
You are convenient?
I'm sorry to make it sound like this but it's not true. We have some amazing memories together it's just that we both handle pressure from exams and life in a baaad way. He wants his space when he's stressed and I keep seeking reassurance because I think he's getting distant.. I don't wanna make excuses but I was being a pain in the ass to him all the time by asking everyday whether he was gonna leave or not, stressing him over especially in a period of his life where there was something else bothering him and pressuring him. I was not a safe place for him during that time. I mean, I can tell he loves me, I feel it when I look at him in the eyes but it's the first time after we got together that he leaves to go see his family and when you're in your hometown I think you truly understand whether you love someone or not.
It is sad that he is using his childhood trauma as an excuse to avoid getting help. He needs to work through this restraining order issue as he most likely feels at fault.
Can you ask him to go once to MC for a trial visit. Pull up the psychology today website they have a provider search function and ask him to participate in looking for one. Give him the power to chose one. It might help to get him to agree. You telling him to go is taking his power away, but allowing him to chose a provider may give him the “control” he needs back.
If you can get one visit in with him and he feels safe and in control, it may open the door that he would be able to possibly get treatment for himself. It is hard when you have a traumatic experience, but you need him to get help if you are to save your relationship.
Is there anyone in his family, that you can trust that maybe able to help reach him about treatment?
What about you and your mental health, are you okay? Are you in IC or thinking about it. Your chronic illness can be stressful for both of you.
Maybe a reframing can provide some perspective. For what it’s worth, vaginas are biologically designed to get “looser” during sex. It’s a sign of arousal and it allows her to have sex with you without being in pain. It means she’s turned on and ready to go. You’re of course allowed to do whatever you want, but you should know that being with someone who is “tight” down there likely just means she isn’t warmed up enough for PIV sex.
From my experience and observations, most people don’t change without a significant effort to do so. He will almost certainly do this again.
There are no words in any language to express how angry just reading this made me. I'd pack a single bag with my documents and leave the f*cking country. They can have it all and choke on it.
Strict, clear cut boundaries. Make a list. Agree to them and stick by them.
Things like, not making anyone feel left out, no sex with just the two of you when one goes for a shower or something, so private messaging any sexual partners outside of a joint tinder account or whatever etc etc etc
Thank you !
First, I want OP to know something very important: It's okay to not be okay.
I also want to applaud the empathy I've seen in the other comments.
You chose to open up to strangers about some very vulnerable feelings. As men, we're often told to just keep it to ourselves for the benefit of others, but all it does is make it easier to dehumanize us into emotionally stunted stereotypes.
Choosing to respect your SO and her decision is the right call, especially if the doctors are confirming how dabgerous it would be. The best thing you can do is continue being supportive.
After the procedure, though, have a serious talk with her about where your emotions are and have been. Don't hide pain from your partner. She loves you, and you love her, so once everything has settled down, take time to communicate and heal together. Seeing a counselor as a couple and individually is also a really good idea.
Lastly, i wish you both the best and the brightest of futures. You seem like 2 good people who deserve each other. I hope that when you're both in a good place to do so, you have the chance to build a beautiful family together.
If she says she's fine, why don't you believe her?
I think you owe her the truth so she can get closure and stop wondering what went wrong.
I think you owe her the truth so she can get closure and stop wondering what went wrong.
I agree with you my friend, however I rely on him for everything and I’m not financially stable. I have no family I can move in with expect for across the country- which is not impossible, but I am in college with scholarship in the state I live in.
I wish it were easier
She understands. She just doesn’t care
He’s not
Yes you are right. Cheaters never trickle truth or cheat a second time
Cheating on you once could have been a mistake (still inexcusable), doing it constantly was a choice. It's your choice but I'd dump her without a thought otherwise.
Try using more than three brain cells to compose a reply. Go on, give it a go.
my semen wasn’t summoned by her. go read a book. the stimulation of the area is what made me hard. women wouldn’t get this cause they only feel stimulation in the clit
Let him go and focus on yourself without the fear of losing him. If the relationship is this hard in your early twenties….well let's just say it isn't going to get easier from here.
There’s not point in expressing your disgust for him. he knows hes disgusting but doesn’t care! Go grab your bike & say your last goodbye.
Is it a height difference, or is it a tilted pelvis difference?