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Date: October 14, 2022
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No one owes anyone exclusivity that hasn’t been discussed and agreed to
? this s one of the reasons its hard to find a good woman nowadays. The guy has it all, good woman, good job, a house… what else does he need? Love, gather all the evidence you can and speak to a lawyer and get everything sorted out with him before speaking about this with your fiancé.
Thank you, I’m gonna meditate on this metaphor
I thought I had sorry, I have interrupted her mid call before but she continued the call next to me.
Your second point I can’t work out what you’re trying to say sorry.
He raped you. On purpose. Earplugs do not block sound so completely that he wouldn’t hear you call his name, and even if they DID he would have been able to tell that you were not physically engaging in the sex.
Do what you will with that information, but the truth is you were raped. I’m really sorry.
Listen, I give a ton of advice of this sub that I fundamentally stand by. But I’d never advise you do what you’re asking.
It’s just not an appropriate action in an argument. “I feel this way. You disagree? Well look, [these people] agree. It’s going to mean nothing to a partner. It’s more than likely going to make the situation worse.
If you’re going to use an argument from here, then use it as your own and stand by it. Pointing out that others agree won’t help.
hahaha. Your boyfriend is a psycho bitch. Let him go. Super controlling asshole making mountains out of molehills. Jesus
Everyone processes grief/anger/stress differently. Overthinking won’t help.
As long as your way of dealing with your issues isn’t harmful to you or others, it’s okay if it doesn’t involve crying.
I feel you both need to sit down in a neutral place and tell each other what you both want out of a break up. Then try to figure out how you can both accommodate the other. Then see a solicitor and get it legally binding. Your marriage is almost certainly over; I don't think even offering her an open relationship at this point would be enough for her. But yes, you need to look after yourself; make sure the kids know that you both absolutely love them completely; and try to make it as amicable a split as humanly possible.
You need to contact her family. They need to come get the kid or meet you somewhere or something. You need to tell them if they don’t pick the child up, you have no choice but to call CPS. This is unfortunate and very very very sad for the child but if there is no other option, it is this one.
End it and move on, he will hit you again, it’s just a matter of when.
Been there, done that. You can't stay. It hurts, but it's not sustainable long term.
Your sentiment may indeed be right. All I suggested was, consider it very carefully.
I appreciate that. I feel like I know it was the right one but it was just so hard because everything else was fine. Of course I initiated the convo too after feeling really anxious about it; so I am just worried it’s just a self destruction type thing. If she was 50/50 it would be different but I could tell from our convo she was more like 90/10, plus paired with the timeline I could just envision the convo again in like two years except this time it would be much harder than a 4 month breakup. 🙁
I appreciate that. I feel like I know it was the right one but it was just so hard because everything else was fine. Of course I initiated the convo too after feeling really anxious about it; so I am just worried it’s just a self destruction type thing. If she was 50/50 it would be different but I could tell from our convo she was more like 90/10, plus paired with the timeline I could just envision the convo again in like two years except this time it would be much harder than a 4 month breakup. 🙁
Its best to drop the relationship you got with her now. You can tell her or ghost her. Either way she will only see that you were her friend to get with her (again) and you can't always be a good guy to people. Because in your words you said that she said, “he is emotional abusive but i want to marry him so what should I do.” First of all, she was never interested in becoming your girlfriend again. She doesn't mean to hurt you but this is her only way of getting her message into your skull. You can't be friends with her because you will continue to get jealous and feel she lied to you. She never said she will date you again, you felt like she agreed to that. If the words were never said, don't assume someone automatically agrees or disagrees. But this is my advice to you, stop being her friend and distant yourself because clearly there is no communication happening at all
My dude you are 20 and you don't need this. Gtfo. It'll be good for you and a valuable life lesson for her.
That can only protect assets you have prior to the marriage, any wealth generated during the marriage is up for grabs. And prenups get thrown out all the time, all the lawyer has to do is prove that it was signed under duress.
And besides, the prenup could only help you on the alimony front, if child support is in question then the prenup is useless. And the family courts are much more likely to grant primary custody of children to the mother and levy child support against the father for arbitrary sexist reasons.
I don't nessessarily agree with all that, but it is most likely the mindset that OP's ex has. So a prenup ain't worth the paper it's written on to him.
the communication is going the get WORSE. he's had all this time to just TRY to tell you , and he can't. at this point, he is actively refusing to help the situation and that would be it for me.
Therapy for both of you will help navigate this situation better. You may not cause her anger, but you still receive her anger. Snarky, passive-aggressive comments, do wear a person down. Wanting to support her is wonderful, but you also need to navigate it's effect/impact it has had on you.
Ask him why he’s not working or helping your mother.
Trust me I am very blunt and he doesn't like me because of it. He is super sensitive and this is like his Archilles heel. I don't want to ruin my relationship with my mom because he is always going to be present.
Is she your online GF or irl GF?
Even that is I’ll advised because you attract predators looking for access to kids
Your action was , yes, shitty. BUT….it does indicate your lack of trust. For some reason. I’d focus on that because, who knows, there might be something to it.
Everything you said feels spot on, I’m kind of amazed. I feel so seen right now, thank you for the detailed response. And yes, we definitely need therapy, together but probably more importantly, separately. May I ask, was your exW diagnosed with anything in particular? I’d love to do some more research myself.
I don't have a lack of self respect I just don't like giving up easily and I love her
Surely this depends on how frequently you see each other over dates?
Let’s say you work close, and meet up after work 4days a week for an hour of drinks. In 2 weeks you’ll hit the 9 day mark
If you do a full day date every Saturday, that’s 2 months before the deed is done at its fastest.
If connection is important, that’s what matters. Don’t put arbitrary rules on it
You could tell him that. Make it clear that you just want to hang as friends and maybe fuck, but you’re not looking for romance or a relationship.
And yet still he’s in her bed and ran instead of waking her up, telling her anything or even texting her about it. OP confronted him, which means best friend Is and again I quote myself at least a piece of shit
First, understand that you aren't going to fix this situation. You can't convince this asshole to stop being a bigot and it's only your partner's bff's choice to break up with him or not. He's clearly not improving and unfortunately there's nothing you can do about it.
But you can make boundaries for yourself. Refuse to allow him into your home going forward, and make it clear to everyone that you do not want to be present at any event he is at. Don't center the boundary around drinking because that gives wiggle room he will push against since clearly consent is difficult for this turd. Just eject him from your life entirely. If you do otherwise, you are enabling his behavior.
It's up to your partner to decide how to handle things with her bff and this trash fire man, but I recommend having a serious conversation with her about it. Make it clear that you can't tolerate his behavior and are done giving him chances to improve that he shits all over. Also communicate your concerns about the potential for (and possibility that it's already) abuse based on the dynamics you've seen in their relationship.
Good luck dealing with this horrible dude, I hope you can eject him from your life and convince the bff to do the same.
Tell his family & friends you think he’s not in a good mental place right now and… Run and don’t look back.
Thankfully, he’s not your problem anymore so try to cut all ties before you get involved in his personal issues.
Yes, I’ve been to his house
There is no scenario where this woman is stable enough for you to date. Cut your losses.
Also, if any of this is true she should not be dating anyone.
“Other then our bedroom issues, he’s such a great loving husband.”
Uh…. he seems to know pretty well, that what he does to you is WRONG! Every bit of him forcing you IS rape.
So in fact you have been raped by the man your are being constantly gaslighted into believing loves you.
This has nothing to do with love.
Your entire relationship is based on dominance.
And disregard tiwards your most basic wants and needs: feeling protected by your partner.
Depending on in which country you live he would even be considered a criminal. In most countries there are laws protecting women from that. And if a complaint is filed the man is in for a looooong stay in prison.
Reconsider your last sentence. That sounds like Stockholm Syndrome: the victim of undergoing physical and spiritual dominance falling in love with the perpetrator.
Point is: this isn't love!
It's a bio chemical reaction of the body for dear life! A survival instinct.
You don’t need to ask him out, you need therapy.
this is so relatable… it all makes sense.
As someone who would want to see my dog after breakup, your current girl can go fuck herself
This is how BREAKING NEWS headlines begin
Not OP.. but believing that kicking out overtly prejudiced people who you've tried on multiple occasions to connect with as needing 100% affirmation and comparing to getting a puppy just shows we are even reading the same post.
Family shouldn't be given carte blanche to steam roll over you in your own house. They are just people that share biological material, so the rules of being a decent human being still apply.
But you do you, have a good weekend.
Please tell her sooner rather than later and definitely before you even think about proposing to her.
it’s not necessarily a bad thing. And if you try and tell her who she can and can’t be friends with, she’s going to resent you.
adults in long-term relationships usually don’t have close friends of opposite sexes… I think it would be really weird if I were to start hanging out with any of my buddies partners.
that being said, not everybody shares my point of view. And it can be completely innocent.
That’s actually maybe the best thing I’ve been told. I hadn’t considered it like that. Thank you
What is the death rate of women giving birth in the US? Per the commonwealth fund, “In 2018, there were 17 maternal deaths for every 100,000 live births in the U.S.”
That comes out to .00017% chance OP’s wife was going to die.
Poor dude thought coming to reddit of all places for advice was a good idea?
No, misogyny and racism is not ok. He is acting on his own experience which is where I get tripped up. Like who am I to project, I wouldn’t want him to do that to me and he doesn’t.
No, he didn't do it to himself.
You're insecurities are your issues to deal with, you are not his mother or his keeper. Your feelings towards her are not his problem nor his issue to fix for you.
This level of insecurity is so beyond unhealthy. You've made up some weird scenarios in your head and behaved so inappropriately. No one should have to put up with your behavior at all.
He is just not getting it. He is so focused on his own happy ending, that he does not give a shit about his daughter being in a household with mother figure that hates her. That poor child, she deserves so much better than OP
Don't want to hurt his feelings? Why? He had no problem hurting yours and you reacted naturally, to not being able or wanting to be intimate with him.
it’s just so disrespectful to her to remove that agency and just expect that she should even continue on without her knowing what happened.
Thank you, yes! Both of them deciding to completely close OP out of whatever occurred is frankly so disrespectful. They are adults, not children. If her best friend wants to drop the friendship, then fine, but have the respect for her to have an exit talk.
And don't even get me started on OP's fiancé having the nerve to completely shut down any talks about the fight. That's not how a partnership works.