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Date: December 5, 2022
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Questions are questions, they don't imply anything
The questions you were asking imply that OP's troubles are the result of some kind of lack of affection on her part, which is a very old sexist idea.
That seems to be exactly what the issue is. Why on earth do you think it's sexist?
Hey, OP, I'm in a similar boat. OCD, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, PTSD, anxiety, eating disorder. I've been through a psychosis before.
I just got out of a deep. 5-year mixed mood (manic and depressive combined) episode that saw me lose my only friend. My wife and I are divorcing and she started sleeping with her new girlfriend 5 weeks after sleeping with me. I rebounded with a woman for 3.5 months, but we broke up December 30th because my depression was still causing me to sleep too much/lack motivation.
What's helping keep me alive (and believe me, some days I struggle) is having a good support team. I don't just mean a therapist. I have a social worker to help connect me with resources in the community, I have my psychiatrist for medication and bad Indiana Jones metaphors, and I have my psychologist to do the deep dives that bring the real healing.
Not every therapist or psychologist helped me. In fact, it's taken me decades to find the right ones (maybe 4 out of 9 therapists helped). But the right therapist will open doors to invaluable insight into where your emotions are coming from and what they're trying to tell you. And the thing is, these good therapists just guide you along the way, but it's really you who will find the answers and make the connections. He/she will ask the questions to get you to your own answers. Don't expect the answers to be given to you directly.
I'm currently moving out of my wife and my old apartment. I'm moving into transitional housing for 1-3 years, where my living habits, routines, social life, work life, budget, everything will be receiving supervision and support. For me, it's necessary because I was in the psychiatric hospital for most of my teenage years and I didn't properly learn good life skills/adulting. I just need a little help to get to a place where I'm fine on my own. And you know what? I'm hella grateful! Because I can finally admit that trying to struggle through daily life, I wasn't okay.
Please persist in seeking out whatever level of help and support you need to lead a healthy life. Don't give up, and don't take “no” for an answer when people say there's nothing more that can be done. You need to be your own advocate for your mental health needs.
You will start over and rebuild your life. With mental illness, sometimes we have to rebuild again and again. Just learn from the past and learn to forgive yourself. Learn to leave the past where it belongs. Don't punish yourself. You can get through this, because you're a lot tougher than you imagine.
He wouldn't look like a jerk to his friends if he tood them of for mistreating you. However, I wonder hoe aggressive he is otherwise? A lot of people who are really nice just isn't used to confronting people and setting limits.
You hit his hand away rather than communicating like an adult. Then you feel a pain in your back and assume he hit you? And he had to apologise?
I think you'd notice if he elbowed you in the back…
You need help.
He said he wants to just “eventually”