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Date: September 25, 2022
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You don't need anyone's permission to end a relationship. Your goals in life have become incompatible with eachother, and your needs are not being met. Those are both perfectly valid reasons to break up. In fact, staying together when you've both made it clear you want different things from life is doing you both a disservice. If the relationship has run its course, thats all there rrally is to it. If you truly feel it cannot be salvaged, just rip the bandaid off.
All three. I understand that they were listening and they’re judging but my boyfriends comment hurt the most.
Listen to yourself. You are asking us if there is a chance of a life with a prostitute. Smell the coffee cause you sound clueless
I guess its also because I dont know why I broke up with her. I dont know if I was down for a serious relationship yet, but once the tears started going I kind of doubled down since I felt I had ruined things anyways.
I'm usually pretty agreeable. I don't know how to make someone genuinely feel like I'm listening/takening responsibility without seeming.. pandering? Like immediately after the fuckup in the station I was like, 'Yknow what this was a really awful place for me to do this, and I fucked up really badly. Please let me get you out of here and take you home'
I hope you figure things out best to you and your friend ?
Have those discussions. I really can’t recommend using the app “paired” during these moments in a relationship. Does wonders to reignite the communication
And never told her. At least she fessed up
Thank you so much. I honestly don't feel that bad at all after talking to some people and knowing that I wasn't completely in the wrong. I was definitely blinded by love and I let that get in the way of our friendship which I truly cherished. I can not put into words how much this person has helped me grow on a personal level, even without trying, in just a short time which is why I grew to love them, not just romantically, but on a metaphysical level—it evolved from a conditional love to unconditional love. I also really believe that they may just be blinded by emotion, just as I was, which is why I was very careful with my choice of words in the moments leading up to them cutting me off. I approached the situation respectfully and left plenty of room for forgiveness, growth, and understanding. I could never hold animosity towards anyone, no matter how much they may hurt me, which is why I have already forgiven them and I really believe that people can change. I'm confident that we can eventually work things out—time will tell.
Bro just block her
Whom with do you see yourself in 5-10 years? Whom would you save our of fire if you could only save one person and more importantly why? Do you want to get back with your ex due to guilt and good memories rather than out of unconditional love? Remember why you broke up in the first place and is it still possible to work things out? Do you want to? Will both of you agree to go to a therapist and fix your communication issues? Can you repair the trust?
Think about that and you more likely know the right answer.
That’s nonsense.
You want the attention and you feel guilty.
Yea thought the same thing
It sounds to me like she still has a lot of unpacking to do. I'm not so sure that she is as aromantic as you two think she is. She still wants to kiss and cuddle, use terms of endearment and cries when faced with the end of your relationship.
You could simply have a mismatch of love languages.
However at the end of the day, if she doesn't want to be in a relationship and you do. This isn't going to work. So I think, at least for now, you have to let her go. Some time apart may be helpful for both of you.
Right now she is (perhaps unwittingly) getting what she wants from you with the commitment that you need from her and it's tearing you up inside. It hurts because you love her so much, and I'm sorry you are facing this, but as things stand you are setting yourself up for CONSTANT anxiety and internal conflict.
She needs professional help for sure. Also do you have stretch marks? Whenever my gf get self conscious about them I show her mine and reassure her that they are part of her and I love her for her. Honestly I think social media probably plays into the insecurities because all the photos are edited and alot of girls feel like they are one do the few people with stretch marks when in reality pretty much everyone has them. You just have to be reassuring
Another part of being an adult woman in a relationship with an adult man is respect, and safety.
You're wrong. Saying you want to force yourself on your partner, is never acceptable, even as a joke.
I wasted a LOT of my younger years, when I was in the Army, drunk. I'd love to go back and reclaim all that time.
So you won’t let her pay for you because of your pride. What about her pride? Why is she not allowed to take pride in her ability to treat her SO to a meal? This was her dinner to celebrate her acceptance to a program, but you refused to participate because of your pride? What she wanted was to go to the dinner with you, not for you to pay for your meal, but you ruined an otherwise nice occasion because you couldn’t handle her paying one meal for you?
is it regular thing that she is telling what to do when she is not around?
Are you always need to do what she is telling you to do?
Is she your mom or girlfriend?
Do you neglect some activities because of games? Is she telling you to stop playing because she sees that you are lagging in your life because you are too concentrated on gaming?
Yeah, she needs to know for 2 reasons. 1: for closure, to let her know that it's over. 2: so that she realises that it was her that fucked it all up. She needs to know that you know everything.
I'd say print out a few of the worst messages and write a letter explaining your hurt and anything else on your mind. Make it concise, because this will be the last communication you have with her. She had the right to reply, but that's up to you whether you choose that or not.
It probably depends on how the date goes.
It’s very important to know his reasonings you said originally because of his culture but then said because he’s worried you want guys attention there’s a big difference between those two either way you should do what makes you happy
Mixed feelings
You need to hold fast to your boundary on dating or marrying her. All your reasons are logical and wise.
She is free to decide she will no longer have sex with you. Don’t push to salvage this as SWB- you need to respect that she has a right to want more from a relationship than a temporary sex partner. It’s unfair to ask her to waste more of her precious time on a relationship that will not be what she wants.
This relationship was always temporary for you. Respectfully agreeing to part as friends is the best that can happen.
Pictures of the scenery or pictures of the boys?
I seriously don’t know one female that doesn’t like grand gestures when she likes you.
There is nothing wrong with doing both.
making someone feeling that loving caring feeling depends on the person. Here are a couple that make me feel like I won the husband lottery
Be more playful, seriously when is the last time you spent time with whomever you love doing silly things they like,
Have what if conversation about silly things.
Throw some music on and dance in the kitchen.
Hugs and kisses when walking in the door from work, two arms and get a hotel room kiss.
Words use them, most people love praise, thank you, damn you look sexy,
All work and serious stuff is boring to me, we all have to do it to eat and live inside. So work and chores are just that something we would do if the person we care about wasn’t there. Start thinking what can I do for them or with them or to them that would just make them melt or smile.
He's going to choke you next. You should get out before then.
So you are just going back to FWB? Make her get a STI test and show you the results.
I feel like you know what the next step is and are here more to vent than anything.
Love makes you put up with more than what you would normally. Im sorry your husband seems to have never grown past high school, I understand how frustrating it is.
I once dated someone that told me he would be more attracted to me if I lost weight and that there were sexual positions he wanted to but my ass was too fat. I eventually left and have lost almost 400lbs since then. 250 was him and 140 was me. I'm in a happy and healthy marriage now with a man that loved my body before and still loves it now.
Ask for their message hidtoty, not because you need it, not cause you want it. You don't need it, cause you already know she has an affair. Her message history or refusal to show it will be just confirmation. In any case you need to move towards divorce. I feel genuinly sorry for your situation.
it’s more personal anyways for her to pick something out herself.
If she's been able to pick the exact gift you wanted to buy yourself then it's an incredibly personal gift…
That's dream relationship for a lot of couples where partners can't quite pick up hints etc.
I fully appreciate your perspective, but it feels like you've gone into more detail with reddit then you have with your partner. Perhaps go into detail about how much your own purchase means to you and maybe suggest she returns it and buys a fancy watch box (if it's automatic then one that winds) to link the two together.
Also, it's been 1 year. Give each other a break and stop pretending that each other know 100% the rationale behind actions. Simple truth is you never will but with regular communication you'll get pretty close.
Ouch Thats not a man in love or a husband that has his wifes back. That is a very mean person who is using you as a joke with his friends
You might want to pull finances gather up your things and pull to storage incase he changes locks and talk to a lawyer.
File for devorce. You should not be treated the way he is treating you.
You choose your sister, if for no other reason than this ultimatum shows your girlfriend is not a very good person and completely lacking in empathy. She doesn't have to like your sister to understand that this situation is hurting you as well, and for your own peace of mind you have to find a way to help her.
She doesn't love you OP, or she wouldn't have asked you to make this choice in the first place.
Thank you for this. I feel like you’re right. She says the right words but the actions aren’t there. I don’t know how to bring it up because I’m pretty straightforward and lack tact in matters like this. But I appreciate you for making me feel less stupid about this !!
What she’s doing is manipulative and emotionally abusive. I doubt it’s fully intentional but some couples counseling is probably in order.
It’s healthy for each of you to spend some time with your own friends or doing your hobbies. Based on your follow up comments, it seems she really hasn’t made an effort to make friends or find a hobby and has become pretty codependent.
Go. And sort it with a professional after. You deserve to have some fun too.
To back up, I'm the first person to come on here to say that family and friends tend to see things we don't when we're wearing rose colored glasses. But that only applies to things that aren't surface level complaints.
In saying that, that's exactly what's happening here. She has an over-the-top misguided opinion on how relationships should work. So hold firm. Just tell her you're happy, you're not leaving him, and she needs to let it go. You could certainly write a letter, but the truth is that it's unlikely she's just going to let go. Hopefully she does, but you might be in a situation where you just have to deal with it but ultimately ignore her.
Unfortunately, there's no magic statement here. I want to believe that at the end of the day she actually does have your best interests at heart and wants you to be in a better financial position since you currently aren't. She's just going about it in a terrible and disrespectful way. Good luck.
What she’s doing is manipulative and emotionally abusive. I doubt it’s fully intentional but some couples counseling is probably in order.
It’s healthy for each of you to spend some time with your own friends or doing your hobbies. Based on your follow up comments, it seems she really hasn’t made an effort to make friends or find a hobby and has become pretty codependent.
Go. And sort it with a professional after. You deserve to have some fun too.
It feels like it’s one of two possibilities. 1) he’s the massive flirt to everyone he’s listed not the other way around (he has a tendency to cheat) so it’s manipulative telling you this or 2) he thinks any girl that smiles at him wants him. Both of which are huge red flags to me.
Yes, I'm perfectly aware of that which is why that point made “the list”. My question is how do I approach it. Do I simply break it off, no questions asked, or I talk to him about it re: what we agreed on earlier?
A boundary is something for yourself, not something you say to control other people.
Saying, “You can’t go without me!” isn’t a boundary. It’s control.
If he were to say, “I don’t want to be with someone who likes going to bars without me.” That’s a boundary, and he’s free to find someone who agrees with him. Just as you’re free to find someone who actually trusts you to make good decisions and wants you to have a good time with your friends!
You deserve better, and you deserve to enjoy your 20s! As someone old enough to be your Mom, I’m telling you that you should go and have fun!
Is it possible for this to have been unconscious?
No, not even 1%.
When your first girlfriend cheats on you, you shouldn't marry them. There are plenty of people out there who won't cheat on you.
Don't marry your first girlfriend.
Agree. Sister being drunk doesn’t qualify as actively wanting to sleep with him. Hard to blame her for this as she was a victim it appears.
Getting married at 20 and 19 is very not smart
Not trying to pass judgement but when you got married I’m assuming you took the traditional oath with traditional vows to love and protect her in sickness and in health.
It sucks that she’s sick. But you (people in general) shouldn’t turn your back on people that you promised to take care of.
You got married, you promised to protect this person. This person who is at their weakest state. Do what you want to do in order for yourself to be “happy” but please don’t ever get married again if you’re willing to walk away from your “partner” because they’re dying.
Don’t use wanting a child as an excuse to make yourself feel better for wanting to leave. I feel sorry for the next person you promise to take care of.
You’re a partnership. You pledged an oath to another human being to go through this shitty adventure we call life and now you want to back out of your end of it because it’s hard.
I don’t know what country they live in, but some countries have help at home available like cleaners, someone who comes cooking, and other things depending on the need of the person. One of mine has all those. I’m part of a disabled couple and we don’t have these yet. But we might apply too.
I have a feeling that OPs wife has the same illness as me, that illness is something you never want to pass on. I am the 3 red gen in my family because we didn’t know about it.
Things often don’t go as you wished in life. OP could leave, try to have kids with someone else and turns out he or they are infertile.
OP and ex had sex 18 months ago Ex gives birth 16 months after “Is ThE KiD yOuRs”
“I’m freezing in the cold, but wearing a coat is itchy…” that is literally what I heard…
My brother in Christ, please, this is not a valid excuse. My ex-Fiancée was a beautiful black woman with BAD excema, and she actually told me this. I said, well hold the phone.
1) I’m not going down on you after not showering after a whole day of work, and 2) if lotioning is stressful, 4 hands are better than one.
Long story short, we overcame that problem. (Pun intended)
I think that being friends with someone that your husband has decided (assuming he knows the whole story) is a ‘cheater’…. and that being a dealbreaker for him is beyond questionable.
How you haven’t lost all respect for this pompous little man is beyond me.
If he decides to fight his ridden little corner you may well lose him. But would you really want to win? He cannot disassociate his insecurities from the betrayal your friend is suffering, and that you are trying to support her thru?
If this is his hill to die on I’d say let him have at it. He’ll either realise he’s a fool or he won’t. You’ll either gain a better man who realises his mistakes, or you’ll lose a husband that already lost himself.
Good luck to you.
Yes it's a privileged view given the amount of people living in poverty, but if you've access to water to clean yourself daily, you absolutely should
Get a “band” to sit with the current ring that’s what we did’
it sounds to me like that’s exactly what the original comment was saying, though?
I guess you need to DIRECTLY ask her exactly WTF you are supposed to do during HER journey? Life goes on for the rest of the family unit.
Her response should be telling.
He doesn’t have any of the issues that I know of. I guess he just spends a lot. I’m not sure how fo address it.
It's amazing. If I created a religion today that looked like Christianity, I might get a few followers if I was really charismatic, but the rest of the world would think me crazy, but because our society is steeped in it, we just think it normal.
This idea that a woman can't work, can't cut her hair, can't have her own money etc. wow.
Literally. Dumping your pregnant fiancé of over a decade a few weeks before the wedding is never going to go down well and you’re never going to come out of it in a good light. It may be the right thing to do but very cruel to her to leave it this late. How humiliating.
She’s mean.
Break up now.
I find conversation chemistry to be lacking and feel some anxiety when I know we will be together alone for extended periods because we will run out of things to talk about.
You know that feeling dread at the thought of spending time alone with your partner isn't really a good omen for the longevity of the relationship, right?
Big disagree here. I'll give him points for not flipping the fuck out. But he's being extremely naive and the fact that he's actually advocating that they keep in contact is proof of that.
I do love the classics.
Sorry OP but this is pretty much straight out of Cheating 101 – always blame the partner for their actions. Technically it's called DARVO – Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender – and it's a classic avoidance practice that all cheaters use.
And you fell for it.
To be perfectly honest, your wife has been lying to you, and is still lying to you. She has just gotten a whole lot better at hiding this affair in the hopes that she can have her cake (the AP) and eat it too (keep you).
The problem you face now is that your marriage is basically dead, you are still with a liar and a cheater and DDay2 is going to be looming on the horizon.
That's what happens when you don't take action straight away and allow them to control the narrative.
Username checks out
I initially thought this was going to be about just being friends which is fine if it’s legitimately a friendship.
But then you said he’s keeping in contact in case things happen in the future.
He’s with you and thinking about dating someone else. He’s literally telling you to your face you aren’t his priority because if he had the chance, he would be with her.
This is neither healthy or good.
He’s keeping you until he gets his opportunity with her.
First off, congrats on the career change! Teacher burn out is real, and I can imagine how amazing it is to find a new trajectory that interests you and that you are good at.
I have been walking on egg shells trying to be a good wife but it’s never enough.
Secondly, stop doing that. Do a reasonable share of chores. Your son is old enough to contribute and your husband knows how to wash the dishes or go to the store.
He has begin to signal divorce.
Lol, does he think a 50-year-old divorcee who is unsupportive is going to do well out there? Let him signal away. He can divorce you and learn how to buy his own cereal.
Honestly, I think your best bet is to get your husband to a therapist. Other people in the family need to know what is happening because she's obviously going to keep repeating this behavior with others if you don't all discuss what is happening.
I won't pretend to know what the best path forward is with your stepdaughter, but if it's at all possible I'd say rehab is the best start. She's going to end up in jail much sooner than later if your husband and the family don't take action now before it's too late. And the one thing I know about addicts is that jail never helps things.
You were explaining that you have 2 adopted and 2 bio children, and said they feel you are choosing your son.
Does the tutor know about this plan? It's going to be extremely disruptive for the kids
We had a talk about it last month, she said the right time is when she feels like she’s 100% ready to do it, which i don’t see that happening any time soon
If you go over the text and other comments, i mentioned a cycling race/event, not a class.
And again i used bad wording, when i wrote “quick class” it was “demonstration” what i wanted to write down.
I think it would be easier to find an actual hiding place for condoms than make up an elaborate story about why they are in your drawer.
This so funny. Sorry, I know it must be frustrating for you but what is he doing haha. Doesn't prioritise you and doesn't listen when you ask for more time together > you find other ways to fill your life > he comes in screeching for marriage and kids (charming proposal btw) seemingly unaware that that's a commitment much larger than dinner once a week > gets offended when you ask wtf
L.O.L.