I’m against porn in general and it’s based on the individual and what feels like cheating to them. If it’s a boundary for you and he’s not willing to respect that than is your relationship really worth the pain?
Your problem is that she's been this way the whole time, it's not a new development. If this was something that presented itself after you were together for a period of time already then you'd have every right to complain, but you knew and yea you brought it up but never went any further than that. I'm not sure what you mean by “very little” but I can just make an educated guess and ask why you stayed with someone you KNEW you were completely sexually incompatible with, when sex is a huge, important part of the relationship? Did you think you were going to be able to make her more open minded, more adventurous in bed? Because no matter how well intentioned that rarely works. Do you pay attention to her needs in that department? You're thinking “yea of course I do, I definitely know what she needs” and there's a 99% chance you're wrong. Not because you're lacking or because you're unable to, but because you have no idea what it is-has she ever expressed to you anything, just one thing even, that she likes? It may not have even been in the moment, it could have been in passing while doing the dishes or something. She could be sincerely and genuinely vanilla with no desire to change (I personally couldn't live like that, I have very specific needs and if my partner wasn't able to handle it he would have to go, sex is more than just “sex” it's intimacy, trust, bonding, vulnerability, exploration-you know your partner in a much deeper, personal way and that's extremely important) OR there's something she needs/wants that isn't being met because she's too closed up to say it and you haven't picked up on it, and if that need/want WERE to be met she could open up completely and be willing to be more adventurous. You need to figure out which one it is, and don't let anyone tell you it's wrong to leave someone because you don't align in the bedroom, people that say that are usually women that just lay there like a starfish themselves. Good luck.
He said she was just someone he hooked up with not dated. She also hasn't had the kids since the youngest was two. I get it though…I said the same thing. She then wrote him a letter from prison and said she always knew who the father was. I'm like ok he didn't know because why wouldn't she say you knew and didn't step up, ya know.
me it’s something that her and her friends did when they were younger so if they had sex they wouldn’t need to look for a condom
she usually removes it before she gets home but forgot because she was too drunk.
She’s refusing to tell me what happened that night
Dude, seriously you are going to believe the “joke”?, looks like their girls night is about hooking up and she didn't got one that night. He refusal to speak about it is a clear indicator that she doesn't care about your feelings and your trust is broken.
Better to leave than living with the disrespect of she believing yo so.naive.
We met at work and we've been together for 1year 1/2 we live together. So I know what he's doing and It takes a lot for me to be able to trust someone but I've gotten to that point now with him so I trust him fully now. I've been cheated on in just about every relationship so it's always hard to trust someone new.
I'm not ready for a relationship with this new guy anyway. But is it unfair to my bf if i just call it off w/o giving him some time to try what i say i'm missing? We haven't been arguing or distancing at all. I feel bad cuz he's so excited about coming back.
I'm of two minds about this. As a woman, it would bother me that you asked beforehand, not because splitting the bill would bother me and it's my default anyway, but that it was such a big deal to you that you felt the need to confirm beforehand.
I guess I'm a bit of a “nah, I'll get this, you get the next one” type and the idea that you need to establish, separately and in advance of a date (especially a brunch date, hardly a high value event) that the bill will be split would probably indicate to me that we have different priorities and I'd be put off.
Has she been a sane, rational human being before this??
Have y’all sat down and hashed this out for as long as it takes to come to a mutual understanding? Barring mutual understanding at least agreeing to disagree??
It is very gross lmao. Yeah I smashed you and now you are my brother ??? It’s BS when people say they were only friends with their ex. Cut it out. There’s a billion people that you could possibly date and yeah there is always someone better out there.
Honestly from your comments it seems like even if he's really looking to cheat with you, you don't really care.
If you did care you'd want his wife to know he's talking to you and the only way you can know that is if you talk to her.
So if you wanna fuck a celebrity, help them cheat and just pretend you're in the clear because they “told you” they were married and their partner was chill with you two seeing each other then go right ahead. Just be real with yourself about it. Odds are you're not going to end up with this person long term. If you want a fling, just admit to it and do it.
If you don't want to do that, make sure you meet or talk to this wife. Pretty straightforward.
he just has to go and “be alone and find himself.”
Maybe the feelings behind it are caused by the steroids, but his coping mechanism, of withdrawing to find himself, is probably not. And that’s the real issue here. Because if he was securely attached he’d seek support from himself AND those he trusts and loves when things felt off. So he’d be talking to you about it and you’d be working on it together. But an avoidantly attached person will withdraw and only trust themselves to figure it out and that’s what he’s doing. So maybe google attachment style as that might help you understand a bit more.
But in general he’s probably feeling down and uncertain maybe from the steroids, maybe from something else, but the problem is his coping mechanism and that’s a learned response to a lack of emotional safety in a relationship with a pivotal person from his life, often either a parent, care giver and/or a long term romantic partner.
I mean if it was a problem for her, she should’ve had a conversation with him earlier rather than whatever this was. Because yeah there’s a big difference between “we’re gonna get married someday” and “let’s start planning a wedding now.” In the same way there’s a big difference between “yeah I want kids eventually” and “yes let’s start trying for kids”
She had her doctorate in the wall! And yes she actually did hear me. We talked about this issue and I had mentioned my having PTSD. We then looked into that and I explained some things from my past. She then asked him about his life and family and explained to him that me having my trust broken over and over again by the people that love me most. Having a borderline mother and a narcissist father and blah blah blah. Made me constantly be in survival mode. And he built me up with a few of the lies and broke my self-worth. And how he was once soothing for me, but now us just another thing in my life that I’m having to question and defend myself against. And how coming from two parents that love him and are still caring for him, he could never ever even begin to understand my side of things.
I of course have no knowledge of this kind of pics,
Because they weren't meant for you. Your wife and friend are messing around and your buddy decided to take the blame for it.
honestly I don't know where to go with this friendship, since he's also my wife's friend her opinion is to just forget it ever happened and move on
She would be absolutely livid if his story was true. She wants you to forget about it because she doesn't want you cutting your friend off and ruining their access to each other. No one, male or female, would just casually sweep it under the rug when your NSFW pics were taken without consent.
Jesus Christ lady you sound beaten down and brainwashed. Your husband is a judgmental asshole who judges your deaf daughter, let alone your gay son and ruined your relationship with them.
Both of your kids definitely go to therapy and talk about the shot you both out then through.
Do you know how many mistresses have been told that? They are always in a miserable marriage and are only staying for the kids. It's the classic cheating married man's line. It so classic that it was in the movie Waiting to Exhale.
He's protecting his stuff and you need to protect yours, you both can sit down and come to an agreement on it pretty easily. You can also put in an adultery clause in it, to guarantee that you will get a good settlement as can he. I personally wouldn't combine incomes and I would always have my own account. I wouldn't worry about because it can be made for the both of you.
Do not marry this loser. Do not have a child with him. You think he’s not contributing now? Just wait till you have a kid together. He will not change and your self worth will continue to go down if you stay any longer. You deserve better.
This might be the clearest example of white privilege I've ever seen.
He cannot, does not, understand that you (and any kids) want people who look like you, and have similar experiences.
Isn't it nice that he doesn't have to worry about that? Isn't it nice that he doesn't have to worry about where he lives, because he will always fit in?
He doesn't need to worry about the police force, and the locals, because they all look like him.
SMH. I don't think he is stupid or irredeemable, but that level of naive ignorance requires pointed attention. If you truly have a future with him, he's got to understand what you and your children will face.
What I’m really missing here and it might well be, because you tried to condense an entire relationship into a single post, is you introspecting. She told you that you seemed cold – even your friends noticed it – but nowhere do you seem to try to figure out what was going on. You just keep repeating that you didn’t notice any difference. Did you ask her or your friends for concrete examples? She told you about a problem and you thought it went away, because she didn’t nag you about it every 30 seconds. I’m not going to lie, that is a super bad sign. It sort of implies you didn’t take her feelings seriously. Did you discuss with her how she liked to be loved? What was missing from her perspective? What she would love to see? Did you engage with the problem at all?
Similarly with the drinking – you know you are a terrible drunk and yet you got completely hammered again…why? What prompted you to drink that much alcohol if you knew it was a problem – both in general and for the person you claim to love?
I am not seeing you taking problems seriously until there are massive consequences, instead expecting to be able to continue as you have and for everyone to adjust. That is really bad and a great way to blow up any and all relationships.
I’d take a massive breaks from relationships and instead work on yourself. No, going for someone else, hoping it will “help you move on” (how unfair is that on the new person??), is not a valid way forward.
Inviting a conversation in which she asks for an explanation as to why he’s being controlling will only encourage him to invent more excuses to control her. You can’t reason with an unreasonable person.
Get out of there before she gets you in real trouble. Falsely accusing rape isn’t a something you should just brush off. Get ahead of it if you can, just in case she’s going to tell other people.
Thinking a 23 year old dude will recognise handwriting down to an individual level is giving 23 year old men way too much credit.
But if she's in your class get her email. It'll probably be in the recipients log of the mass emails tutors and lecturers send out. If not just ask for it.
With the level of power imbalance a sufficient age gap brings, someone is getting hurt. They might just lack the maturity to tell. Which is sort of the point. Or they have hitched their wagon to a bum. Or they are a secret side piece. I’ll tell you what it never is though, a good and worthwhile relationship.
Because sure they can both be adults, but a 23 year old and a 37 year old are in such ridiculously different life stages that simply hand waving with “adult” doesn’t mean anything.
Thinking a 23 year old dude will recognise handwriting down to an individual level is giving 23 year old men way too much credit.
But if she's in your class get her email. It'll probably be in the recipients log of the mass emails tutors and lecturers send out. If not just ask for it.
Think he's showing his true colors. Talk to that lawyer, start seperating your finances and prepare arguments for full custody with supervised visitation.
Maybe you won't need all the prep, but it's a fabulous security blanket if he's unveiling himself and the guy you loved/married doesn't show up again.
Tell him you don’t want thanks; you want help. And then tell him that he needs to get better at helping, initiating affection, and making plans. Tell him that you don’t feel desired anymore, that you feel like his overworked roommate.
And then stop putting his laundry away. And stop initiating everything.
This thread is seriously fucking nuts. Guy makes one bad attempt at humor, doesn't realize how his GF would perceive it, and the hivemind opinion is that the guy is Hitler adjacent and she should dump him immediately. How do these fucking people make it through a day?
If you stay with her at this point, you’re moving into toxic land. There’s too many lies, and she’s frankly starting to treat you like she does everybody else, for she just lies all the time. There is no trust. There is no basis for a relationship
Is going back to your country of origin an option? Because this situation does not sound like one that is going to magically improve, and he does not sound like a good husband.
Leave the man alone
This comment speaks a lot of your character. I hope your wife finds someone who loves and cherishes her.
Women and their drama.
When did you meet her?
I’m against porn in general and it’s based on the individual and what feels like cheating to them. If it’s a boundary for you and he’s not willing to respect that than is your relationship really worth the pain?
Do not bring a gift. First date is about getting to know each other and seeing if there a connection. Not about impressing her.
Pay for half or what you order.
Ask for her number. Do not spend hours messaging. Live your life. Call her once in a while and have a good chat, see what flows naturally.
Your problem is that she's been this way the whole time, it's not a new development. If this was something that presented itself after you were together for a period of time already then you'd have every right to complain, but you knew and yea you brought it up but never went any further than that. I'm not sure what you mean by “very little” but I can just make an educated guess and ask why you stayed with someone you KNEW you were completely sexually incompatible with, when sex is a huge, important part of the relationship? Did you think you were going to be able to make her more open minded, more adventurous in bed? Because no matter how well intentioned that rarely works. Do you pay attention to her needs in that department? You're thinking “yea of course I do, I definitely know what she needs” and there's a 99% chance you're wrong. Not because you're lacking or because you're unable to, but because you have no idea what it is-has she ever expressed to you anything, just one thing even, that she likes? It may not have even been in the moment, it could have been in passing while doing the dishes or something. She could be sincerely and genuinely vanilla with no desire to change (I personally couldn't live like that, I have very specific needs and if my partner wasn't able to handle it he would have to go, sex is more than just “sex” it's intimacy, trust, bonding, vulnerability, exploration-you know your partner in a much deeper, personal way and that's extremely important) OR there's something she needs/wants that isn't being met because she's too closed up to say it and you haven't picked up on it, and if that need/want WERE to be met she could open up completely and be willing to be more adventurous. You need to figure out which one it is, and don't let anyone tell you it's wrong to leave someone because you don't align in the bedroom, people that say that are usually women that just lay there like a starfish themselves. Good luck.
That's not your job he's an adult that has ears so if he doesn't want to listen that's a him problem
He said she was just someone he hooked up with not dated. She also hasn't had the kids since the youngest was two. I get it though…I said the same thing. She then wrote him a letter from prison and said she always knew who the father was. I'm like ok he didn't know because why wouldn't she say you knew and didn't step up, ya know.
me it’s something that her and her friends did when they were younger so if they had sex they wouldn’t need to look for a condom
she usually removes it before she gets home but forgot because she was too drunk.
She’s refusing to tell me what happened that night
Dude, seriously you are going to believe the “joke”?, looks like their girls night is about hooking up and she didn't got one that night. He refusal to speak about it is a clear indicator that she doesn't care about your feelings and your trust is broken.
Better to leave than living with the disrespect of she believing yo so.naive.
We met at work and we've been together for 1year 1/2 we live together. So I know what he's doing and It takes a lot for me to be able to trust someone but I've gotten to that point now with him so I trust him fully now. I've been cheated on in just about every relationship so it's always hard to trust someone new.
I'm not ready for a relationship with this new guy anyway. But is it unfair to my bf if i just call it off w/o giving him some time to try what i say i'm missing? We haven't been arguing or distancing at all. I feel bad cuz he's so excited about coming back.
I'm of two minds about this. As a woman, it would bother me that you asked beforehand, not because splitting the bill would bother me and it's my default anyway, but that it was such a big deal to you that you felt the need to confirm beforehand.
I guess I'm a bit of a “nah, I'll get this, you get the next one” type and the idea that you need to establish, separately and in advance of a date (especially a brunch date, hardly a high value event) that the bill will be split would probably indicate to me that we have different priorities and I'd be put off.
I mean, all of us here on Reddit have been that situation, right? At least once.
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No 29 year old should be dating a teenager. That’s predatory behavior.
You don’t owe anyone sex, and definitely don’t owe anyone a particular act.
Has she been a sane, rational human being before this??
Have y’all sat down and hashed this out for as long as it takes to come to a mutual understanding? Barring mutual understanding at least agreeing to disagree??
There HAS to be more here…
It is very gross lmao. Yeah I smashed you and now you are my brother ??? It’s BS when people say they were only friends with their ex. Cut it out. There’s a billion people that you could possibly date and yeah there is always someone better out there.
The only reason he wants to meet you is to do sexual stuff. Don’t believe this man is your friend. He is not.
Honestly from your comments it seems like even if he's really looking to cheat with you, you don't really care.
If you did care you'd want his wife to know he's talking to you and the only way you can know that is if you talk to her.
So if you wanna fuck a celebrity, help them cheat and just pretend you're in the clear because they “told you” they were married and their partner was chill with you two seeing each other then go right ahead. Just be real with yourself about it. Odds are you're not going to end up with this person long term. If you want a fling, just admit to it and do it.
If you don't want to do that, make sure you meet or talk to this wife. Pretty straightforward.
he just has to go and “be alone and find himself.”
Maybe the feelings behind it are caused by the steroids, but his coping mechanism, of withdrawing to find himself, is probably not. And that’s the real issue here. Because if he was securely attached he’d seek support from himself AND those he trusts and loves when things felt off. So he’d be talking to you about it and you’d be working on it together. But an avoidantly attached person will withdraw and only trust themselves to figure it out and that’s what he’s doing. So maybe google attachment style as that might help you understand a bit more.
But in general he’s probably feeling down and uncertain maybe from the steroids, maybe from something else, but the problem is his coping mechanism and that’s a learned response to a lack of emotional safety in a relationship with a pivotal person from his life, often either a parent, care giver and/or a long term romantic partner.
No, I don't mind that at all. I find it strange that he's posting about it publicly.
I mean if it was a problem for her, she should’ve had a conversation with him earlier rather than whatever this was. Because yeah there’s a big difference between “we’re gonna get married someday” and “let’s start planning a wedding now.” In the same way there’s a big difference between “yeah I want kids eventually” and “yes let’s start trying for kids”
She had her doctorate in the wall! And yes she actually did hear me. We talked about this issue and I had mentioned my having PTSD. We then looked into that and I explained some things from my past. She then asked him about his life and family and explained to him that me having my trust broken over and over again by the people that love me most. Having a borderline mother and a narcissist father and blah blah blah. Made me constantly be in survival mode. And he built me up with a few of the lies and broke my self-worth. And how he was once soothing for me, but now us just another thing in my life that I’m having to question and defend myself against. And how coming from two parents that love him and are still caring for him, he could never ever even begin to understand my side of things.
Consult a lawyer.
I of course have no knowledge of this kind of pics,
Because they weren't meant for you. Your wife and friend are messing around and your buddy decided to take the blame for it.
honestly I don't know where to go with this friendship, since he's also my wife's friend her opinion is to just forget it ever happened and move on
She would be absolutely livid if his story was true. She wants you to forget about it because she doesn't want you cutting your friend off and ruining their access to each other. No one, male or female, would just casually sweep it under the rug when your NSFW pics were taken without consent.
Jesus Christ lady you sound beaten down and brainwashed. Your husband is a judgmental asshole who judges your deaf daughter, let alone your gay son and ruined your relationship with them.
Both of your kids definitely go to therapy and talk about the shot you both out then through.
It doesn’t have to be this way.
Do you know how many mistresses have been told that? They are always in a miserable marriage and are only staying for the kids. It's the classic cheating married man's line. It so classic that it was in the movie Waiting to Exhale.
He's protecting his stuff and you need to protect yours, you both can sit down and come to an agreement on it pretty easily. You can also put in an adultery clause in it, to guarantee that you will get a good settlement as can he. I personally wouldn't combine incomes and I would always have my own account. I wouldn't worry about because it can be made for the both of you.
Do not marry this loser. Do not have a child with him. You think he’s not contributing now? Just wait till you have a kid together. He will not change and your self worth will continue to go down if you stay any longer. You deserve better.
I'm not autistic, but I'm also not comfortable around other people until I get to know them, and even then I don't completely trust them.
This might be the clearest example of white privilege I've ever seen.
He cannot, does not, understand that you (and any kids) want people who look like you, and have similar experiences.
Isn't it nice that he doesn't have to worry about that? Isn't it nice that he doesn't have to worry about where he lives, because he will always fit in?
He doesn't need to worry about the police force, and the locals, because they all look like him.
SMH. I don't think he is stupid or irredeemable, but that level of naive ignorance requires pointed attention. If you truly have a future with him, he's got to understand what you and your children will face.
I will and thanks for all your advice.
What I’m really missing here and it might well be, because you tried to condense an entire relationship into a single post, is you introspecting. She told you that you seemed cold – even your friends noticed it – but nowhere do you seem to try to figure out what was going on. You just keep repeating that you didn’t notice any difference. Did you ask her or your friends for concrete examples? She told you about a problem and you thought it went away, because she didn’t nag you about it every 30 seconds. I’m not going to lie, that is a super bad sign. It sort of implies you didn’t take her feelings seriously. Did you discuss with her how she liked to be loved? What was missing from her perspective? What she would love to see? Did you engage with the problem at all?
Similarly with the drinking – you know you are a terrible drunk and yet you got completely hammered again…why? What prompted you to drink that much alcohol if you knew it was a problem – both in general and for the person you claim to love?
I am not seeing you taking problems seriously until there are massive consequences, instead expecting to be able to continue as you have and for everyone to adjust. That is really bad and a great way to blow up any and all relationships.
I’d take a massive breaks from relationships and instead work on yourself. No, going for someone else, hoping it will “help you move on” (how unfair is that on the new person??), is not a valid way forward.
Inviting a conversation in which she asks for an explanation as to why he’s being controlling will only encourage him to invent more excuses to control her. You can’t reason with an unreasonable person.
She sounds controlling. I think you just got out of an abusive relationship.
Another reason men and women shouldn’t be intoxicated around the opposite sex without there partners present
Awwww thank you. That made me tear up at my desk. Thank you so much
he's gay.
Get out of there before she gets you in real trouble. Falsely accusing rape isn’t a something you should just brush off. Get ahead of it if you can, just in case she’s going to tell other people.
Thinking a 23 year old dude will recognise handwriting down to an individual level is giving 23 year old men way too much credit.
But if she's in your class get her email. It'll probably be in the recipients log of the mass emails tutors and lecturers send out. If not just ask for it.
With the level of power imbalance a sufficient age gap brings, someone is getting hurt. They might just lack the maturity to tell. Which is sort of the point. Or they have hitched their wagon to a bum. Or they are a secret side piece. I’ll tell you what it never is though, a good and worthwhile relationship.
Because sure they can both be adults, but a 23 year old and a 37 year old are in such ridiculously different life stages that simply hand waving with “adult” doesn’t mean anything.
Thinking a 23 year old dude will recognise handwriting down to an individual level is giving 23 year old men way too much credit.
But if she's in your class get her email. It'll probably be in the recipients log of the mass emails tutors and lecturers send out. If not just ask for it.
You can’t bring it up AGAIN without being completely annoying.
You asked & he said no. His response was reasonable. Now, you get to respect that no means no.
Find another friend for your tat chat. You don’t actually need “support.”
Don’t ever see her again.
Think he's showing his true colors. Talk to that lawyer, start seperating your finances and prepare arguments for full custody with supervised visitation.
Maybe you won't need all the prep, but it's a fabulous security blanket if he's unveiling himself and the guy you loved/married doesn't show up again.
Omfg I'll pay for his vasectomy!
The way you talk about this man… i bet he didn’t cry when he saw you walk down the aisle either. He sounds like a real winner…
Tell him you don’t want thanks; you want help. And then tell him that he needs to get better at helping, initiating affection, and making plans. Tell him that you don’t feel desired anymore, that you feel like his overworked roommate.
And then stop putting his laundry away. And stop initiating everything.
This thread is seriously fucking nuts. Guy makes one bad attempt at humor, doesn't realize how his GF would perceive it, and the hivemind opinion is that the guy is Hitler adjacent and she should dump him immediately. How do these fucking people make it through a day?
There isn’t anything you need to do about this. Time to just move on.
What are you spending money on?
If you stay with her at this point, you’re moving into toxic land. There’s too many lies, and she’s frankly starting to treat you like she does everybody else, for she just lies all the time. There is no trust. There is no basis for a relationship
He doesn't feel the same way , shocker!!
So in his culture bad behaviour is tolerated because that's just the way it is
The question is how does it make you feel? , is it something you want to tolerate? , what other cultures shocks are coming?
At some stage its pretty clear he is going to want to move back home , is that something you want?
The situation is you're massively insecure, jealous, and borderline controlling. Fix yourself. This is a you problem.
Man, I hope this is made up.
That’s not how that works….
Is going back to your country of origin an option? Because this situation does not sound like one that is going to magically improve, and he does not sound like a good husband.