And had it been an issue from the start that you'd hope would get better? Or something that kind of got increasingly problematic?
I personally don't believe people can/will change (not without some pretty intense therapy)… If you are planning/wanting to get married/have kids with him, I'm assuming you've brought it up with him? Sometimes these kind of heavier talks that involves the future somewhat scares the guy and regresses them into something they found comfort in in their younger days. I think if this was this case, you guys should have a serious talk about your futures and if he's just trying to hang on to his childfree/youthful days as long as he can and thus burying himself in games and neglecting you/your relationship.
If not, perhaps you should bring up your expectations/hopes for your future together and express how his current behaviour (excessive gaming) is making you doubt and question your future (or whatever you are actually feeling about it).
I guess other things is trying to find out why he is that into his video games, bring up gaming addiction or usage of gaming as avoidance or some kind of (unhealthy/maladaptive) coping mechanism of other issues/problems/stress he may be having.. and trying to work through it together.
Suggest other things you can do together (and enjoy doing together) that you know releases stress… perhaps working out together, going to an artjamming/candle making workshop together or whatever…
But sometimes a kick in the butt (i.e. you leaving – and you do need to be prepared that it may possibly be the end of the relationship) will make him realise he needs to change and/or put some effort into the relationship.
And he’d totally be missing out because watching your tiny human grow and learn is amazing. I’m a mom and a woman that swore I’d never have kids and oh man I’m glad I changed my mind. My kid is 5 and currently learning math and how to read and it’s so awesome to be a part of this. I couldn’t imagine my life without the lil dude. OP is just a narcissistic Ahole wanting to spread his seed. No thanks dude. The world doesn’t need more of you.
Tell her you can't live like this and give her a timeframe to learn and take her test, say 6-9 months (obviously you can't guarantee she will pass first time)
If she doesn't take action then you will not be driving her anywhere.
If you get into arguments then maybe write it all down so you can lay out all your reasons. Don't be accusatory and blame her, just explain the facts as you see them and how it makes you feel. Personally I wouldn't necessarily talk about splitting up at this stage but she needs to know the impact this has on you. If she makes no changes then you will know if she cares
As for access, legally she has to give you access to your child
so first of all, if he's giving money to a cyber blackmailer for that long- he's an idiot, beyond being a scumbag. He is providing steady income to a scammer rather than being trustworthy and honest to you.
You've given this relationship enough time, he's had enough chances- this will not stop, not even if you get married. That's a partnership for life, and needs to be based on trust and respect, otherwise there's no point. You've got no reason to trust him, and he clearly has no respect for you.
And of course he proposed- that's a fantastic deal for him, as he's thinking that he can marry you and you'll just tolerate whatever he does. No wonder you're depressed and anxious- I know from experience that doesn't just go away when you're with the right person, but it does feel a hell of a lot worse when you are with the wrong one.
You can do better, even if it's just being single.
He sounds like he’s too busy for you plus it’s long distance and you both have heavy schedules. Find someone more available and closer. You’ll be much happier.
I can’t understand how many people one reddit just have no conscience or like backbone for themselves? Like there’s obvious bad behavior going on yet they just… let it happen?
Ayye. Just run and save yourself the headache. You're gonna be treated like some kind of lowlife piece of garbage that beats on your girl by her whole family now. I've seen this play out too many times. Couple breaks up, spends a couple weeks apart, one tells the family how terrible and evil the other is, get back together, now you're struggling to not get dirty looks, threats and degrading questions at thanksgiving or when you and future FIL “have a chat”.
Here's my advice, fuck that chat, to hell with the flowers, screw a bunch of dates that just translate into “how much money are you willing to spend for us” just to get in good graces with people that are never going to like you again. Unless of course you can manage to convince the family that she was the problem in the first place which, good luck with that shit.
You're still going to have kids. You'll just be parenting with an ex. It's pretty clear that the magic is gone from the relationship as far as she's concerned.
As a person with adhd, depression, and other issues, I think appropriate support is more like:
-encourage to tidy or achieve a goal
-encourage to cook, eat, stay hydrated
-encourage to maintain good hygiene
-check back whenever goals/tasks have been completed as a form of accountability
Telling you to act more fun and positive regardless of how you actually feel is toxic. So is saying you should initiate physical affection more than you want to, or that you need to see each other at a specific frequency regardless of your needs. It’s also unhealthy to demand you do (all?) the cooking (sounds like you don’t even live together?!).
I’m going to be 100% honest, in my younger days I had no issue hitting on a woman who was in a relationship. The woman who told me off, I respected because they obviously respected their relationship. The women who let it slide… I pushed it to see how far it could go.
I regret it all now as it was shitty. Married women were always off limits though.
This dude was absolutely feeding off the fact your gf didn’t say anything to you and probably thinking you didn’t mean that much to your girl if she let him be around. The women solid in their relationships DO NOT let this happen just as a man solid in his relationship shouldn’t let it happen either.
Maybe it was in jest to help the friend…but don't put your marriage on the chopping block for someone else. If this 8sntuebcase, she straight up shit on OP to console a friend. Not ok at all.
Ahh.. I can understand better then.
And had it been an issue from the start that you'd hope would get better? Or something that kind of got increasingly problematic?
I personally don't believe people can/will change (not without some pretty intense therapy)… If you are planning/wanting to get married/have kids with him, I'm assuming you've brought it up with him? Sometimes these kind of heavier talks that involves the future somewhat scares the guy and regresses them into something they found comfort in in their younger days. I think if this was this case, you guys should have a serious talk about your futures and if he's just trying to hang on to his childfree/youthful days as long as he can and thus burying himself in games and neglecting you/your relationship.
If not, perhaps you should bring up your expectations/hopes for your future together and express how his current behaviour (excessive gaming) is making you doubt and question your future (or whatever you are actually feeling about it).
I guess other things is trying to find out why he is that into his video games, bring up gaming addiction or usage of gaming as avoidance or some kind of (unhealthy/maladaptive) coping mechanism of other issues/problems/stress he may be having.. and trying to work through it together.
Suggest other things you can do together (and enjoy doing together) that you know releases stress… perhaps working out together, going to an artjamming/candle making workshop together or whatever…
But sometimes a kick in the butt (i.e. you leaving – and you do need to be prepared that it may possibly be the end of the relationship) will make him realise he needs to change and/or put some effort into the relationship.
And he’d totally be missing out because watching your tiny human grow and learn is amazing. I’m a mom and a woman that swore I’d never have kids and oh man I’m glad I changed my mind. My kid is 5 and currently learning math and how to read and it’s so awesome to be a part of this. I couldn’t imagine my life without the lil dude. OP is just a narcissistic Ahole wanting to spread his seed. No thanks dude. The world doesn’t need more of you.
Tell her you can't live like this and give her a timeframe to learn and take her test, say 6-9 months (obviously you can't guarantee she will pass first time)
If she doesn't take action then you will not be driving her anywhere.
If you get into arguments then maybe write it all down so you can lay out all your reasons. Don't be accusatory and blame her, just explain the facts as you see them and how it makes you feel. Personally I wouldn't necessarily talk about splitting up at this stage but she needs to know the impact this has on you. If she makes no changes then you will know if she cares
As for access, legally she has to give you access to your child
pretend to date a man older than you
so first of all, if he's giving money to a cyber blackmailer for that long- he's an idiot, beyond being a scumbag. He is providing steady income to a scammer rather than being trustworthy and honest to you.
You've given this relationship enough time, he's had enough chances- this will not stop, not even if you get married. That's a partnership for life, and needs to be based on trust and respect, otherwise there's no point. You've got no reason to trust him, and he clearly has no respect for you.
And of course he proposed- that's a fantastic deal for him, as he's thinking that he can marry you and you'll just tolerate whatever he does. No wonder you're depressed and anxious- I know from experience that doesn't just go away when you're with the right person, but it does feel a hell of a lot worse when you are with the wrong one.
You can do better, even if it's just being single.
Could also say to the server when others show up – “hi, separate checks please, ok I will have the lobster. And a glass of champagne “
He sounds like he’s too busy for you plus it’s long distance and you both have heavy schedules. Find someone more available and closer. You’ll be much happier.
I can’t understand how many people one reddit just have no conscience or like backbone for themselves? Like there’s obvious bad behavior going on yet they just… let it happen?
Yes, it is weird to have your parents host your ex everyday. Child or not.
Ayye. Just run and save yourself the headache. You're gonna be treated like some kind of lowlife piece of garbage that beats on your girl by her whole family now. I've seen this play out too many times. Couple breaks up, spends a couple weeks apart, one tells the family how terrible and evil the other is, get back together, now you're struggling to not get dirty looks, threats and degrading questions at thanksgiving or when you and future FIL “have a chat”.
Here's my advice, fuck that chat, to hell with the flowers, screw a bunch of dates that just translate into “how much money are you willing to spend for us” just to get in good graces with people that are never going to like you again. Unless of course you can manage to convince the family that she was the problem in the first place which, good luck with that shit.
You're still going to have kids. You'll just be parenting with an ex. It's pretty clear that the magic is gone from the relationship as far as she's concerned.
As a person with adhd, depression, and other issues, I think appropriate support is more like:
-encourage to tidy or achieve a goal
-encourage to cook, eat, stay hydrated
-encourage to maintain good hygiene
-check back whenever goals/tasks have been completed as a form of accountability
Telling you to act more fun and positive regardless of how you actually feel is toxic. So is saying you should initiate physical affection more than you want to, or that you need to see each other at a specific frequency regardless of your needs. It’s also unhealthy to demand you do (all?) the cooking (sounds like you don’t even live together?!).
Also lmao at “demonstrate my admiration/respect”
I’m going to be 100% honest, in my younger days I had no issue hitting on a woman who was in a relationship. The woman who told me off, I respected because they obviously respected their relationship. The women who let it slide… I pushed it to see how far it could go.
I regret it all now as it was shitty. Married women were always off limits though.
This dude was absolutely feeding off the fact your gf didn’t say anything to you and probably thinking you didn’t mean that much to your girl if she let him be around. The women solid in their relationships DO NOT let this happen just as a man solid in his relationship shouldn’t let it happen either.
A good piece of advice, don't shit where you eat.
Maybe it was in jest to help the friend…but don't put your marriage on the chopping block for someone else. If this 8sntuebcase, she straight up shit on OP to console a friend. Not ok at all.