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  1. I really wonder if they really are on the same page about things kids and marriage wise, or if she’s been putting her ideas in his head. She “raised” her ideal partner

  2. The fact that you have to tell him to keep it professional is concerning in itself. It should be a given to keep coworkers as professional relationships. I don’t know to me there’s really no reason to talk to coworkers outside of work you generally don’t need to. No one is making him he doesn’t have to go to lunch with her he is actively choosing to go to lunch with her he clearly wants to go, but why he could refuse to go. The question as to why he doesn’t refuse to go does bring up concern.

  3. Thankyou very much, I do enjoy her presence and will continue too, your advice is appreciated more than you could know

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  5. It's surprising that the two of you are even slightly back together. You can't expect trust to be rebuilt quickly. There's no guarantee that he will ever fully trust you again.

  6. I always heard it called “polyamory under duress” and it’s super not healthy.

    Counterpoint it made my divorce super easy.

  7. So I was raised by an abusive father and complacent mother, I wish my mom has left before my dad had the chance to ruin my life. I’m not really even being dramatic, my physiatrist has said my late onset autoimmune disorder is a result of being raised in abuse.

    0 tolerance would be you saying “if you disrespect me ever I am leaving you”. You have surpassed 0 tolerance, honestly you are almost harmfully tolerant. You SHOULD be calling the cops and making a report any time he hits anything around you because under the law that is domestic abuse. Your son will only pick up more from his dad the longer he thinks it’s okay, and you are telling him it’s okay by staying.

    Children who are abused are significantly more likely to have severe mental health issues and autoimmune diseases. As a child of abuse, I would have 0 tolerance for this with my son. Quite frankly my boundary is at yelling, I don’t excuse intimidation of my young child. There’s a reason you son is continually doing what is modeled to him, do you not think his life would be better not being abused?

  8. It's time to think about your daughter, and I assume, other child? (You keep saying kids, but only commented on the birth of one daughter).

    Do you want your daughter(s?) to see this as an example of the sort of relationship she will have one day? And if you have a son, do you want him to see his father as his rolemodel? Most young boys do.

    You are being emotionally, financially, verbally and psychologically abused.

    Get yourself, and your children, out of there. It will not get better, I'm so sorry to say.

  9. Yep came here to say this.

    While OP seems remorseful the way it’s written she seems to brush it off as I was drunk so not really my fault

  10. Girl you can’t be serious?? How is it crazy to literally just not want your bf to fuck other people?? Has he honestly gaslit you that much??

  11. That’s good advice. I definitely feel the same way about her and can see us being very happy together in the long term. I think I’m just more blindsided and wasn’t expecting it. I just wasn’t expecting things to evolve this fast and the part that scares me is I’m on board with it. I just don’t want to get hurt again but I also want to love again.

  12. I think you're right about the trust issues. When we first got together he would get annoyed with my lack of trust which is understandable. So, I would bury every feeling or inkling deep in the back of my mind. Now this has happened and all those feelings have come back to the surface and it is overwhelming how much I let slide. I don't want to be a doormat anymore, I want to find my voice again.

  13. What test is he doing to give her certainty that he's not cheating? I must have missed where op said that.

    Think about that for a second.

  14. He doesn’t spend time with me I can agree the reaching out to the ex was dumb but that day he wouldn’t leave me alone after he was saying really hurtful things you can think of.

  15. You can't control your wife's appearance, but she could style her hair and dress in a way that is a more mature style.

    This would be a sacrifice on her part and she has every right to dress however she pleases. I just mention it here because it could help the situation. I have seen makeover shows where the daughters were upset with their mother's style choices. It is amazing what these makeovers can do.

  16. i have a coworker that got into a fight with a customer and when his brother (all work together) tried to do intervene it turned physical and the brothers beat the shit out of each other.

    Now every time I’m around any pair of adult brothers ever, I am so so scared because I know they will have to fight because it happened to my coworker this one time so now it’s true for everybody literally ever???

    Meanness aside, not even joking, you should really seek some developmental therapy or something like that. Not normal to literally have the deductive reasoning of a child.

  17. She got horny and flustered remembering how she actively and knowingly participated in infidelity and she clearly doesn't feel remorseful.

    I had unknowingly had sex with a married woman in my early 20s. Once she told me I cut all ties with her and never saw her again.

    Why? Cause I couldn't live with myself if I knew some poor guy was at home or at work while she was getting off.

    She showed you her true colors and now you know she enjoys the thrill of cheating.

    I'm almost 100% sure she will do the same to you when she gets that “spark” again.

  18. If you're checking someone's phone it's already over. If you can't trust them and have to violate their privacy there's already something broken.

    OPs wife is lying. He already knows it. That should be pretty much it.

  19. You can not have a healthy relationship until you are healthy.

    You can not get healthy unless you are mature enough to do so.

    Also, if you keep stopping and starting your meds they are going to stop working and you will have to find new ones.

    Maybe this taught you something?

  20. Blind trust, pure love and complete respect.

    Those 3 things are forever gone and you will never have them back

    Damn! You summarised this issue pretty well.

    It even makes the whole situation more sad when you are able to pinpoint exactly what was lost…

  21. Isn’t it too early to make a move and kiss him? Cuz we’ve only been talking again for 2 weeks I feel like I should be patient a bit

  22. Thanks for your comment regardless. Definitely intend on at least sharing these feelings with her because it feels like too much not to.

  23. I suggest journaling these emotions and maybe trying to have this convo again later in a way that comes off as wanting reassurance rather than condemning her past actions.

    And remember porn isn’t real. There are lots of porn stars who do stuff for pay that they wouldn’t do/enjoy in their personal relationships. There are lots of porn stars that are queer and do straight porn for pay and vice versa. What happens in those videos aren’t a reflection of real life.

  24. I acknowledged from the start that lunch meetings are a thing, and I don't think it's not normal. However, I am offering a perspective so OP might better understand his wife, as he himself said he “doesn't follow this logic”. What his wife is feeling isn't logical; jealousy is often an irrational overreaction. She needs help to come to terms with her feelings and lack of trust. But just because it's not OP's fault, it doesn't mean that he shouldn't be a supportive partner anyway. This isn't a situation about being right or wrong; OP asked for advice on what he can do to assuage his wife's fears, which is great because his wife is evidently struggling to get out of this negative spiral on her own.

  25. A lot of great advice in the comments. Idk if it's been mentioned but, you could also make it a point to have lunch with your wife every once in a while. If your schedules align and allow for it, ofc. Maybe she can come meet you at your office and you can go to lunch together. That would show her that even during the work day she is on your mind, while also showing her that you aren't hiding her from your assistant. Like you aren't trying to downplay the strength or devotion to your wife. Even if this is only a once a week or every few weeks day date, it could be a strong sign of commitment/reassurance for your wife.

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