Im sorry my man. Personally, that would fuck me up. I think it would be an incredibly difficult thing for me to move past. I can’t even imagine what the hell she was thinking when she spoke those words in front of you. Take a moment and really consider if this is something you can look past or if it will constantly eat away at you. That should lead you to your decision to either stay in this relationship or walk away.
Not everything has to be said in a relationship. That will certainly keep reappearing in your thoughts. Do you think you can get over it? Seems like emotional cheating but a bit more blurred because he was first.
The thing to learn from this relationship is that you should, as a bare minimum, expect yourself and your partner to be emotionally ready for a relationship. This is not even remotely the case here. Next time ask “are you emotionally available to be with me? have you dealt with the trauma of your past relationships? Have you resolved them either through self reflection or therapy? Can you promise you will try your best not to project that trauma into our relationship?”
I also was not discrediting anyone. I just simply was pointing out the fact he said there was no way anyone could know someone is the one in that short amount of time.
I completely understand that I got a unicorn as they say. It is rare anymore for things to happen like my relationship. And that I am a rare lucky one. But it does happen.
Maybe, only maybe, marriage is not something that you want, in general, not because of her but as a whole thing.
People nowadays forget that not getting married is indeed a possibility, and you can still live a happy life. There are ways to deal with heritance in case something happens to one of you, and also about taxes, at least where I live. Without going through the whole marriage thing.
And-it's-perfectly-valid.
I think it is better no-marriage than a rushed, peer pressured marriage.
HOWEVER, you owe it to her to explain how you feel, so she can make an informed choice. Maybe she doesnt care that much (I doubt it, considering her insistence) and maybe she chooses to leave and find someone more compatible.
This is going to hurt for a long time. Please know that you will be okay. You’re going to be using your “emotional mind” vs your “rational mind” over the next few weeks/months. Follow the advice here… or get a lawyer now and follow that advice. Get that evidence. This is hard. It’s going to hurt. People will say you’ll be okay and you won’t believe them but you will get through this. Do not forgive. Do not find common ground. Do not let her know you know. Get your ducks in a row.
My husband and I started dating at 18 and still happily together now at 35 but I know it is RARE. I went to his university graduation and I skipped my own because I didn't want to. I would 100% choose a Taylor swift concert over most things.
Also in ur other comments u said u dont like his face and height and i think if u just date someone for theyre personality u arent really dating them for who they are and it isnt fair to ur bf
People are jumping to a lot of conclusions. It’s possible that she’s trying to make a name for herself there and doesn’t want her boss to only see her as your gf. She should have been honest with you if that was the case.
Your post was removed for the following reason(s):
Your title did not include at least two ages/genders or was not formatted correctly
Posts must:
include details about the involved parties including ages, genders, and length of relationship, and
request advice in real situations involving two or more people
We are enforcing the two rules listed above by making all titles start with ages/genders in the following format:
[##X][##X], [## X][## X], or [##-X][##-X] where ## is the age and X is the gender (currently M, F, T, A, NB, FTM, MTF but more can be added). You can have more than two ages/genders listed, but you must have at least two at the beginning of your title. Here is an example:
It’s interesting you say three years because this is actually incredibly common due to brain chemistry. Your body produces hormones whenever you see a romantic partner for about your first three years with them, then it goes away. So you almost always see some decline in three years which is why so many relationships fail around this point. So what you need to figure out is is this a case of “new love” wearing off that would happen with anyone? Or all these faults that you should care about long term.
If he says it’s you and you say it’s him sounds like your communication is pretty bad. You got to be really open about things, talk to him in a non combative way, be up front. If it’s just blaming and no progress, it won’t work long term. But you are naturally going to have problems and they are not guaranteed to be insurmountable
Kind of aggressive for what she admits is not a frequent occurrence. He’s covering more than half of the bills and supporting her while she gets an education.
Your HUSBAND sexualized you at a young age. This is so fucked up. OP, I hope you realize that your marriage is the result of grooming and abuse. Do you want to your daughter, who will one day be a TEENAGE GIRL, to be raised by a man who was attracted to you when you were a TEENAGE GIRL? He is already discussing his concern about the attractiveness of his teenage daughters? That is bizarre.
Your husband is into teenage girls. That is undeniable, evidenced by his relationship with you. That’s the primary issue. The secondary issue is his deeply problematic misogyny. He values women based on their sexual value. That’s not respect.
It might depend on where you live but I filled for one in MD and this is how it worked. I went to the magistrate office at my local courthouse, it was open 24/7. Asked for the paperwork and spent the time filling it out. Once you complete it they give it to the magistrate who can decide to temporarily grant the order until your court date in a few days. They will then serve a copy to the person it's against informing them of the court hearing. A few days later you show up in court to have your request heard by a judge. You pay a nominal fee of like $30. Judge hears you out, and the other person should they show up, and makes a ruling.
In my case it was a roommate that went literally insane, I had already served eviction. The judge did not grant my RO because she said while disturbing behavior on my roommate you need to show a pattern of continuing behavior. My request just served as the first official documentation of this behavior.
Take all that for what you will but the main point is you have to start documenting the behavior now if you want to protect yourself later. You can go the RO route or maybe just make a report for assault with the PD, even things like this post just writing it all down with a date stamp can help. You being able to show documentation of things makes your story more credible in court, vs her just saying “it didn't happen”
she’s young, and i’m sorry you feel frustrated but sometimes it takes time. i’m saying this as a woman who took 5 months before i touched my first boyfriend below the belt. and after 6 months we had sex. for 2 months he was just helping me out with no expectation in return. honestly i think you should end things with her because your attitude around sex being so transactional is so sad… you should be in a relationship to grow closer emotionally. you should be interested in getting to know her as a person and a partner. if you’re just staying in it for the possibility of sex in the future, that’s also a terrible reason to be together.
I think she will be hurt you knew but not for very long. She will know you struggled with what to do and how to tell her. But, you need to tell her. It is t fair he has gone back on their agreement and he is lying to her again. She needs to know so she can make an informed decision.
Add is also a spectrum with wildly different symptoms. Most of my ADHD symptoms (and add is outdated as a medical term iirc) are centered in emotional irregularities and executive dysfunction. Someone trying to dictate how my face moves when I'm upset would get tossed to the curb.
Expecting someone to mask 24/7 for your comfort and calling it disrespectful when they can't is not only disrespectful to them as you are disregarding the disorder, it's also fucking abusive. People are allowed to move their eyeballs when you say something they don't like. Even if they are disliking it for reasons you disagree with.
Even if she knew she was adopted, taking that test (which she would have been more eager for) would have shown it was with her Dad's foster sister. There's no way that would happen in a healthy relationship.
but this is the cold hard facts of life. not knowing about it doesn't make it disappear. if i was in Scarlett's shoes, I would want to know I have a half-sibling. I don't know what I would do with that info, but I know I would want to know.
the birth mother was a predator, the half-sibling is their own full person who Scarlett might want to get to know.
Time to take a massage class so you can give your partner an exceptional massage.
But in all honesty, this seems like a you issue. As you said she did nothing wrong. If you can’t get over it maybe you should talk to a professional about it.
Yeah, this definitely sounds like he's okay with it for now because it hasn't caused much of a problem so far. By what he's said, I would think he'd want to take off if you end up having more issues later (I hope you won't). I think that explains the whole flu thing – just a temporary, minor issue. Especially with that bit about if you were 50 thing… so if anything happens before that, then he's cutting you off? Idk, I can see why that's bothered you.
Yeah, this definitely sounds like he's okay with it for now because it hasn't caused much of a problem so far. By what he's said, I would think he'd want to take off if you end up having more issues later (I hope you won't). I think that explains the whole flu thing – just a temporary, minor issue. Especially with that bit about if you were 50 thing… so if anything happens before that, then he's cutting you off? Idk, I can see why that's bothered you.
My boyfriend's niece has an almost 2 year old and a 7 month old. The oldest? He switches between calling me (27f for reference) “momomomom” “dada!!!” And only just recently started saying my name. He's done all of these in front of his mom before. It's just how little kids are honestly. They know their parents (in so long as they're involved in their lives) but to them words like “mama” and “dada” often are used interchangeably to refer to people they trust and have around a lot or take care of them because they don't have other words for those people just yet.
I think op is taking his kid referring to a male person who is frequently around his kid dada way too seriously. And when my niece's oldest calls me mom in front of her I'll just tell him something like “silly kid I'm not your mom I'm your aunt Kasey!” It's not that big of a deal and it's not like his mom is neglecting him so he's confused. He just trusts me so I'm “one of his moms” (aka the female caretakers in his life) but he's starting to learn how to say my name now.
Some women have high sex drives, some men have low sex drives, some people have no sex drive (asexual). Everyone is different. It honestly sounds like you two just weren’t compatible.
If you feel yours should be higher, you can talk to your doctor about it, maybe run some tests or look at any medications you may be taking. But that also may just be how you’re wired.
It’s also worth asking yourself what it really is that you want out of a romantic relationship. Then be up front with potential partners about what that is.
“”Comment Rule 2:** Keep it civil. No insults, no threats of violence, no encouraging violence, no harassment, no trolling, no advertising other subs, no spam. You will be banned. All bans in this sub are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
All parties need to know from the perspective of sexual health, too.
By the way, if she decides that your relationship is salvageable, it will be a true test of her commitment if she follows the reconciliation “book” and does the following: Goes complete no contact, blocks him on all social media, deletes his contact information, and, because he has such easy access to her, quits her job. If you didn’t have one already, you also need an open phone policy.
How on Earth are there so many people on this sub reading what is very clearly a sexual assault and coming away with the message that OP owes the person who sexually assaulted him an apology?
Seriously, are you all huffing paint together under a bridge before you write your replies?
As bad as it feels, at least there are no kids involved. That’s such a blessing. You’re young and have plenty of time to find a better person. Don’t waste anymore of your life on this woman.
Why don’t you straight up ask her about the conversation she had with your husband. Why don’t you start going to the bus stop. Seems fishy but again, it can be anything, not necessarily cheating. I would keep on eye on things and ask lots of questions.
You're 30, not 130. You scared of unbridled freedom and opportunity. Think of it this way, you were cheated out of 7 years by her when you could've been out bumping into the right woman. There are still plenty to find and a lot of time to look, so don't give up.
Please be aware that this abusive behavior can escalate into violence, or worse, lethal violence. Please please please reach out to your friends and family for help to leave. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline. You’re still so young and have your whole life ahead of you to find a partner that loves and respects you. This man has no respect for you, despite anything he says otherwise. You are NOT his property.
Yup, my friends did that, she makes significantly more so he stayed home. It made financial sense, and there's no magic parenting gene that only women have.
They ask you to do all of these things but do you actually do these things for them? If so, STOP. That’s how you “tell” them
They won’t give out guest information to anyone but the guest themselves. Neither on the phone or in person.
Im sorry my man. Personally, that would fuck me up. I think it would be an incredibly difficult thing for me to move past. I can’t even imagine what the hell she was thinking when she spoke those words in front of you. Take a moment and really consider if this is something you can look past or if it will constantly eat away at you. That should lead you to your decision to either stay in this relationship or walk away.
Not everything has to be said in a relationship. That will certainly keep reappearing in your thoughts. Do you think you can get over it? Seems like emotional cheating but a bit more blurred because he was first.
The thing to learn from this relationship is that you should, as a bare minimum, expect yourself and your partner to be emotionally ready for a relationship. This is not even remotely the case here. Next time ask “are you emotionally available to be with me? have you dealt with the trauma of your past relationships? Have you resolved them either through self reflection or therapy? Can you promise you will try your best not to project that trauma into our relationship?”
Wear baggy clothes.
Wow sorry that happened to you,
I also was not discrediting anyone. I just simply was pointing out the fact he said there was no way anyone could know someone is the one in that short amount of time.
I completely understand that I got a unicorn as they say. It is rare anymore for things to happen like my relationship. And that I am a rare lucky one. But it does happen.
That was my point is all.
Also glad you got away and found someone better.
Dump the leach.
Dump the leach.
Maybe, only maybe, marriage is not something that you want, in general, not because of her but as a whole thing.
People nowadays forget that not getting married is indeed a possibility, and you can still live a happy life. There are ways to deal with heritance in case something happens to one of you, and also about taxes, at least where I live. Without going through the whole marriage thing.
And-it's-perfectly-valid.
I think it is better no-marriage than a rushed, peer pressured marriage.
HOWEVER, you owe it to her to explain how you feel, so she can make an informed choice. Maybe she doesnt care that much (I doubt it, considering her insistence) and maybe she chooses to leave and find someone more compatible.
Just be clear and tell her all you wrote here.
This is going to hurt for a long time. Please know that you will be okay. You’re going to be using your “emotional mind” vs your “rational mind” over the next few weeks/months. Follow the advice here… or get a lawyer now and follow that advice. Get that evidence. This is hard. It’s going to hurt. People will say you’ll be okay and you won’t believe them but you will get through this. Do not forgive. Do not find common ground. Do not let her know you know. Get your ducks in a row.
My husband and I started dating at 18 and still happily together now at 35 but I know it is RARE. I went to his university graduation and I skipped my own because I didn't want to. I would 100% choose a Taylor swift concert over most things.
Also in ur other comments u said u dont like his face and height and i think if u just date someone for theyre personality u arent really dating them for who they are and it isnt fair to ur bf
People are jumping to a lot of conclusions. It’s possible that she’s trying to make a name for herself there and doesn’t want her boss to only see her as your gf. She should have been honest with you if that was the case.
Lol
Unless it’s not his kid…
Hello /u/ificouldicouldnt,
Your post was removed for the following reason(s):
Your title did not include at least two ages/genders or was not formatted correctly
Posts must:
include details about the involved parties including ages, genders, and length of relationship, and
request advice in real situations involving two or more people
We are enforcing the two rules listed above by making all titles start with ages/genders in the following format:
[##X][##X], [## X][## X], or [##-X][##-X] where ## is the age and X is the gender (currently M, F, T, A, NB, FTM, MTF but more can be added). You can have more than two ages/genders listed, but you must have at least two at the beginning of your title. Here is an example:
[34NB][88-F] We are two people in an example post
Please resubmit with a corrected title.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
…… lol where the hell do you get he was having sleepovers?
Ask BF what she is doing!!
Tell him you are very much a private person. That you want your home to be your sanctuary.
But you HAVE to let him know that you do not want them staying. Sooner rather than later.
Honesty is always the best policy.
“I'm just feeling it with someone else.”
That's it. No more foreboding, no more brooding. “I like you, but I'm just not feeling a connection.” That's it. Tye it off.
It’s interesting you say three years because this is actually incredibly common due to brain chemistry. Your body produces hormones whenever you see a romantic partner for about your first three years with them, then it goes away. So you almost always see some decline in three years which is why so many relationships fail around this point. So what you need to figure out is is this a case of “new love” wearing off that would happen with anyone? Or all these faults that you should care about long term.
If he says it’s you and you say it’s him sounds like your communication is pretty bad. You got to be really open about things, talk to him in a non combative way, be up front. If it’s just blaming and no progress, it won’t work long term. But you are naturally going to have problems and they are not guaranteed to be insurmountable
Kind of aggressive for what she admits is not a frequent occurrence. He’s covering more than half of the bills and supporting her while she gets an education.
Your HUSBAND sexualized you at a young age. This is so fucked up. OP, I hope you realize that your marriage is the result of grooming and abuse. Do you want to your daughter, who will one day be a TEENAGE GIRL, to be raised by a man who was attracted to you when you were a TEENAGE GIRL? He is already discussing his concern about the attractiveness of his teenage daughters? That is bizarre.
Your husband is into teenage girls. That is undeniable, evidenced by his relationship with you. That’s the primary issue. The secondary issue is his deeply problematic misogyny. He values women based on their sexual value. That’s not respect.
It might depend on where you live but I filled for one in MD and this is how it worked. I went to the magistrate office at my local courthouse, it was open 24/7. Asked for the paperwork and spent the time filling it out. Once you complete it they give it to the magistrate who can decide to temporarily grant the order until your court date in a few days. They will then serve a copy to the person it's against informing them of the court hearing. A few days later you show up in court to have your request heard by a judge. You pay a nominal fee of like $30. Judge hears you out, and the other person should they show up, and makes a ruling.
In my case it was a roommate that went literally insane, I had already served eviction. The judge did not grant my RO because she said while disturbing behavior on my roommate you need to show a pattern of continuing behavior. My request just served as the first official documentation of this behavior.
Take all that for what you will but the main point is you have to start documenting the behavior now if you want to protect yourself later. You can go the RO route or maybe just make a report for assault with the PD, even things like this post just writing it all down with a date stamp can help. You being able to show documentation of things makes your story more credible in court, vs her just saying “it didn't happen”
You need to talk to your BF and fix whatever is wrong… or break up and move on.
I don't think you love M. Not love love. you don't know him. Lust? Cocaine induced attraction? but love?
Fix your current relationship or break up and move on.
she’s young, and i’m sorry you feel frustrated but sometimes it takes time. i’m saying this as a woman who took 5 months before i touched my first boyfriend below the belt. and after 6 months we had sex. for 2 months he was just helping me out with no expectation in return. honestly i think you should end things with her because your attitude around sex being so transactional is so sad… you should be in a relationship to grow closer emotionally. you should be interested in getting to know her as a person and a partner. if you’re just staying in it for the possibility of sex in the future, that’s also a terrible reason to be together.
I think she will be hurt you knew but not for very long. She will know you struggled with what to do and how to tell her. But, you need to tell her. It is t fair he has gone back on their agreement and he is lying to her again. She needs to know so she can make an informed decision.
I watched too many disney movies
Add is also a spectrum with wildly different symptoms. Most of my ADHD symptoms (and add is outdated as a medical term iirc) are centered in emotional irregularities and executive dysfunction. Someone trying to dictate how my face moves when I'm upset would get tossed to the curb.
Expecting someone to mask 24/7 for your comfort and calling it disrespectful when they can't is not only disrespectful to them as you are disregarding the disorder, it's also fucking abusive. People are allowed to move their eyeballs when you say something they don't like. Even if they are disliking it for reasons you disagree with.
You’re going to make things worse if you listen to this guy. Listen to the women on this thread especially.
Then he should’ve gotten a vasectomy. Or worn protection.
This is how you get an STD.
Even if she knew she was adopted, taking that test (which she would have been more eager for) would have shown it was with her Dad's foster sister. There's no way that would happen in a healthy relationship.
but this is the cold hard facts of life. not knowing about it doesn't make it disappear. if i was in Scarlett's shoes, I would want to know I have a half-sibling. I don't know what I would do with that info, but I know I would want to know.
the birth mother was a predator, the half-sibling is their own full person who Scarlett might want to get to know.
Time to take a massage class so you can give your partner an exceptional massage.
But in all honesty, this seems like a you issue. As you said she did nothing wrong. If you can’t get over it maybe you should talk to a professional about it.
Yeah, this definitely sounds like he's okay with it for now because it hasn't caused much of a problem so far. By what he's said, I would think he'd want to take off if you end up having more issues later (I hope you won't). I think that explains the whole flu thing – just a temporary, minor issue. Especially with that bit about if you were 50 thing… so if anything happens before that, then he's cutting you off? Idk, I can see why that's bothered you.
Yeah, this definitely sounds like he's okay with it for now because it hasn't caused much of a problem so far. By what he's said, I would think he'd want to take off if you end up having more issues later (I hope you won't). I think that explains the whole flu thing – just a temporary, minor issue. Especially with that bit about if you were 50 thing… so if anything happens before that, then he's cutting you off? Idk, I can see why that's bothered you.
Yeah, no one want to called a gardening tool!
My boyfriend's niece has an almost 2 year old and a 7 month old. The oldest? He switches between calling me (27f for reference) “momomomom” “dada!!!” And only just recently started saying my name. He's done all of these in front of his mom before. It's just how little kids are honestly. They know their parents (in so long as they're involved in their lives) but to them words like “mama” and “dada” often are used interchangeably to refer to people they trust and have around a lot or take care of them because they don't have other words for those people just yet.
I think op is taking his kid referring to a male person who is frequently around his kid dada way too seriously. And when my niece's oldest calls me mom in front of her I'll just tell him something like “silly kid I'm not your mom I'm your aunt Kasey!” It's not that big of a deal and it's not like his mom is neglecting him so he's confused. He just trusts me so I'm “one of his moms” (aka the female caretakers in his life) but he's starting to learn how to say my name now.
Some women have high sex drives, some men have low sex drives, some people have no sex drive (asexual). Everyone is different. It honestly sounds like you two just weren’t compatible.
If you feel yours should be higher, you can talk to your doctor about it, maybe run some tests or look at any medications you may be taking. But that also may just be how you’re wired.
It’s also worth asking yourself what it really is that you want out of a romantic relationship. Then be up front with potential partners about what that is.
“”Comment Rule 2:** Keep it civil. No insults, no threats of violence, no encouraging violence, no harassment, no trolling, no advertising other subs, no spam. You will be banned. All bans in this sub are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
Nah if he's gonna be like that I say revoke his sexy time privileges.
Or petty me
MAKE COMMENTS ON HIS DICK
All parties need to know from the perspective of sexual health, too.
By the way, if she decides that your relationship is salvageable, it will be a true test of her commitment if she follows the reconciliation “book” and does the following: Goes complete no contact, blocks him on all social media, deletes his contact information, and, because he has such easy access to her, quits her job. If you didn’t have one already, you also need an open phone policy.
How on Earth are there so many people on this sub reading what is very clearly a sexual assault and coming away with the message that OP owes the person who sexually assaulted him an apology?
Seriously, are you all huffing paint together under a bridge before you write your replies?
As bad as it feels, at least there are no kids involved. That’s such a blessing. You’re young and have plenty of time to find a better person. Don’t waste anymore of your life on this woman.
Congratulations and all the best for a smooth pregnancy
True
I wouldn't be fine with getting divorced, no. I love her. But if that's what she feels is the best decision for her, then I would have to accept it.
Why don’t you straight up ask her about the conversation she had with your husband. Why don’t you start going to the bus stop. Seems fishy but again, it can be anything, not necessarily cheating. I would keep on eye on things and ask lots of questions.
You're 30, not 130. You scared of unbridled freedom and opportunity. Think of it this way, you were cheated out of 7 years by her when you could've been out bumping into the right woman. There are still plenty to find and a lot of time to look, so don't give up.
Please be aware that this abusive behavior can escalate into violence, or worse, lethal violence. Please please please reach out to your friends and family for help to leave. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline. You’re still so young and have your whole life ahead of you to find a partner that loves and respects you. This man has no respect for you, despite anything he says otherwise. You are NOT his property.
Yup, my friends did that, she makes significantly more so he stayed home. It made financial sense, and there's no magic parenting gene that only women have.