He shared her story because he was drunk? That’s a lame excuse tbh he is or will cheat just back away. Clearly he’s not willing to talk to her about your relationship and will not because he doesn’t care. If he wanted to, he would. That simple. You can give him an ultimatum that you HEAR him call her and say it but otherwise I would walk away. You’re a side piece once he gets what he wants from her. He’s more public about their relationship than you. Imagine an outsider seeing that story on his page? You’re not a girlfriend you’re just being played…I mean he shared the story…idk how you’re still with him
Hey, not your situation but I'm a foster carer and what i know from experience is that kids can handle any situation that is explained to them honestly and age appropriately. There are whole books on how to talk to children about difficult issues.
Not telling them hurts more. Finding out that stuff was kept from them is a betrayal and those who don't have answers tend to create fantasy narratives in place of their truth.
Tell him, it only takes him shutting down social media and moving to lose the opportunity for you all.
Also as a side note, you clearly care a great deal and are doing the right thing looking at how to approach this and deal with all potential outcomes.
I really don’t think you or your spouse should be mad or upset about your or his past sex life. You’re together right now and married right now, but Yo…..this dude was like 27 when you were 16…the nerve of this loser to come up to you and your family to make small talk. He should most definitely be ashamed of himself, and you’d have been right to tell him to go fuck himself in front of everyone.
I feel like there’s something missing in the story?
Middle class is pretty poor so not sure how social standing would have that big of an impact. Is there more info your bf’s background that’s also relevant?
I’m unsure what sort of advice you want, any “possessive” and “abusive” guy likes to isolate their partner from friends. If you distance yourself, you’re leaving your friend in a totally vulnerable situation but also…. You can’t be expected to have that all on your head and deal with your friends toxic relationship. It’s entirely a catch 22. There’s really not much you can do, except waiting and seeing what side your partner falls on as to me, it seems like she’s unsure too. And I’m not just saying this to assume she’s racist or anything like that, it’s purely because she’s a young beautiful woman. Enjoy the time you have left here, enjoy it all you want.
I have a great counselor, however he lost his due to insurance reasons. We are both pretty intelligent and self-aware and have done a lot of inner work as well as a ton of relationship work because in the past it was a rollercoaster until we figured out a lot of things and worked on communicating properly.
That aside, I am also as afraid as he is of a traumatic future, and as hard as it was to give me a ring, it was equally as hard for me to accept it… but I did, because in my heart I know he is the one. Only relationship I have ever had where we both foster growth in one another, things are balancing and healing.
I am torn on feelings of shame that I should just be happy he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and a ring doesn't matter, but also I heavily believe in symbolism and the power we give objects, especially those representing a major life decision… and this ring was purchased and intended for someone else. This represented to her their future, her future with him, not mine. The future she lost.
Thank you for believing we can work through it. I am feeling so lost.
unfortunately the fact that he is adamant about not wanting condoms means there's a risk of him trying to go stealth, also she doesn't want kids but obviously he does, this relationship is doomed.
I think you should tell him. I actually just had a similar conversation with my partner. I don’t need to know every single time some random person hits on her, but sexual harassment, someone at her work, someone she knows offering her money to do it? I’d want to know. Mainly because there are several ways these things could go. It’s really good that you were able to get out of there and drop her. A lifelong partner should be able to understand the position you were in and actually praise you for how you handled it. There might be a slight uncomfortably mainly if he’s concerned about your safety in the future.
Yea Buddy you fucked up. You shouldn't confront sometimes dad like that to show how tough you are. This isn't a movie plot. You have to earn his respect especially considering their immigrants, they believe in respect being earned not drunkenly get in their face. Just move on and accept your mistake and find someone else.
Such a lazy gift. She probably wants to be appreciated. Get her her favourite flowers? Or chocolate? Face mask? Even just get some nice massage oil and give her one lol. What does she do for you? You are almost 40 you should know her and this by now.
Get damn lawyer he didn’t even wait till his own brother was cold in his grave to steal his wife! You own them nothing and they only want to stay quite because they know they did something wrong!
Don't worry about it, she's got main character syndrome. She used you to entertain herself because she was bored and decided freaking out over a past tinder date would spice up her night.
Because he is wanting to bathe the cat four times a week despite that being harmful for cats, because he got into a relationship with a cat owner knowing he was allergic. If this was going to be such a problem he should have never entered into this relationship potentially causing a perfectly happy cat to be displaced to another home.
Don't judge me internet but I just can't help myself….
So check this… the simplest suggestion is to flirt and act like you're going to give him the most mindblowing sex of his life all day long… Then at the last minute, when he thinks his dick may explode, toss his phone to him and make him describe what he wants to happen with you in full, vivid detail and block her immediately. Her upset responses will hit a wall for the immediate future and toast his later apologies.
Obviously, there is plenty of chance… almost perfect certainty… this will burn everything down, so stand close to the exit.
Honestly, show her this post. All the replies. Your replies to the comments, defending her. She’ll see that everyone in the world thinks her behavior is insane, despite that you’re defending her to randos and genuinely want to help her. If she doesn’t respond positively to that, I’m not sure there’s much that can be done. She probably would benefit from therapy, as others have said, but I believe everyone would benefit from therapy regardless. Good luck
Yeah that meme is kind of fucked up and your reaction was appropriate. Now he's guilt-tripping you for not meekly letting him joke that you should… die for having your interests? Does this guy respect you at all?
It’s more of a majority vs minority thing or tribalism. Anyone in the minority will get the same treatment. Try moving to Japan. Anyone Japanese would get preferential treatment.
Own your finances and say no. Don’t spend money you don’t want to spend and for the love of all things holy, don’t go into debt for a vacation! Especially not in this economy.
If he wants you to go, he can pay your way.
I (44F) make a lot more than my partner. I pay for the majority of expenses on vacay. We split our shared expenses based on % of total income. I cover extra stuff.
Seriously, don’t play this game where you over spend to “keep up”. Just say “I’d love to go but it’s not in my budget.”
Being fiscally responsible and living within your means is pretty sexy to most people. I know I wouldn’t date my partner if he weren’t fiscally responsible.
He doesn't use socials THAT YOU KNOW ABOUT. He has a different name. He is “still technically married”. You can't go to his house. He blocks you. He tells you stories that you have to convince yourself to believe. why are you relying on strangers to tell you if he's legit or not? Ask your gut.
Furthermore, the sex is only that good BECAUSE you are the other woman. If the two of you were legit, he wouldn't be half so interested.
Yup, and highly dependent of jurisdiction. A person can be stripped of their parental rights for cause, but usually signing off requires someone else to sign on. Again, very dependent on jurisdiction.
Get to know each other more? After 5 years? Are fucking serious mate? Please let her go, she deserves to find what she wants rather than being strung along by a boy who doesn’t know what he wants
Aside from a handful of illnesses that made me too sick to bathe, the only time I have ever gone more than a couple days without showering is when I was deeply depressed. Going one week left me feeling absolutely disgusting and I also got a fungal skin infection. The textiles in my house – couch, chair, sheets – started to retain my body odor as well.
On the other hand, a friend’s teen daughter stayed with me for three weeks last year. I only saw her bathe once in that time, but she never smelled at all. I honestly didn’t even realize she hadn’t been bathing until she took a shower, and then I was like…wait…is that her first time showering since she got here? And she wasn’t bathing when I wasn’t around because I work from home, so she was never here alone for any length of time. Every time I left the house, she was with me. It was the strangest thing and I’ve never met anyone else (that I know of) that wouldn’t start to smell bad after a couple days.
yes please tell her. She doesn’t deserve this. And if you are worried anything will happen just know HE DID THIS. Just as someone else said, social consequences of cheating.
You said she’s done this before. She just wants to make herself feel better and wants the benefits of conversation with you while fucking someone else. Cut ties completely.
The good thing is that all this came to light before you got married, got a house and moved together, had kids, etc. It’s fairly obvious you are the backup in case the soft porn lady doesn’t work out.
No problem! For future reference, you don’t need to get on one knee to tell someone you love them. That would probably confuse them and think you’re trying to propose.
Also, I would wait at least 5 dates before saying I like you and 4-6 months to say I love you. 4 months if you hang out more than once a week seems like a fair enough timeline
I don't know what his entire life has been like but C-pts as explained to me by my psychiatrist when I was diagnosed can be layer upon layer of traumatic things with the most recent one being the catalyst. I.e. childhood abuse, medical issues, relationship trauma…then your grandmother.
Seems pretty simple, own up and tell them its yours. It seems your sister knows about your sexuality and has kept that secret for you despite you letting her take the fall and be punished for your actions. Your sister is a much better person than you.
He’s married. What more details do you need to get over him. He may tell you that you will be his number 1 but he’ll never leave his wife. Unless she finds out about you two and divorces him.
“Had” being the operative word. You're married and have a baby. The fact that you still are either lying to yourself or you were raised by wolves and just clueless tells me she and that child are better off without you. I really hope you eventually see it bc that kid needs you need that kid
Exactly, I’m gonna ask her is she has done anything that i should know on the pst 12month, if she denies it, I’m not even fighting, honestly, i love her so much, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust her again. But i wanna hear her out, it’s 5years.
While it does sound like you possibly aren't carrying your weight with regular household chores, if she had a problem with that then she needed to address it like an adult with grown up words.
Passive aggressive button mashing and snide comments are not something you need to put up with.
you have come to a cross roads. you either wait for him to bring it up to you, you bring it up, or you just stay not knowing and being confused.
Is it his breath… behind the ears or inn the ears?.. hair?
He shared her story because he was drunk? That’s a lame excuse tbh he is or will cheat just back away. Clearly he’s not willing to talk to her about your relationship and will not because he doesn’t care. If he wanted to, he would. That simple. You can give him an ultimatum that you HEAR him call her and say it but otherwise I would walk away. You’re a side piece once he gets what he wants from her. He’s more public about their relationship than you. Imagine an outsider seeing that story on his page? You’re not a girlfriend you’re just being played…I mean he shared the story…idk how you’re still with him
Sounds like a lazy mofo
This is terrible fanfic.
then you are being unrealistic
Hey, not your situation but I'm a foster carer and what i know from experience is that kids can handle any situation that is explained to them honestly and age appropriately. There are whole books on how to talk to children about difficult issues.
Not telling them hurts more. Finding out that stuff was kept from them is a betrayal and those who don't have answers tend to create fantasy narratives in place of their truth.
Tell him, it only takes him shutting down social media and moving to lose the opportunity for you all.
Also as a side note, you clearly care a great deal and are doing the right thing looking at how to approach this and deal with all potential outcomes.
He’s had two other chances, didn’t catch a clue…so third time is The Ghost.
I really don’t think you or your spouse should be mad or upset about your or his past sex life. You’re together right now and married right now, but Yo…..this dude was like 27 when you were 16…the nerve of this loser to come up to you and your family to make small talk. He should most definitely be ashamed of himself, and you’d have been right to tell him to go fuck himself in front of everyone.
have you met straight people
I feel like there’s something missing in the story?
Middle class is pretty poor so not sure how social standing would have that big of an impact. Is there more info your bf’s background that’s also relevant?
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I’m unsure what sort of advice you want, any “possessive” and “abusive” guy likes to isolate their partner from friends. If you distance yourself, you’re leaving your friend in a totally vulnerable situation but also…. You can’t be expected to have that all on your head and deal with your friends toxic relationship. It’s entirely a catch 22. There’s really not much you can do, except waiting and seeing what side your partner falls on as to me, it seems like she’s unsure too. And I’m not just saying this to assume she’s racist or anything like that, it’s purely because she’s a young beautiful woman. Enjoy the time you have left here, enjoy it all you want.
I have a great counselor, however he lost his due to insurance reasons. We are both pretty intelligent and self-aware and have done a lot of inner work as well as a ton of relationship work because in the past it was a rollercoaster until we figured out a lot of things and worked on communicating properly.
That aside, I am also as afraid as he is of a traumatic future, and as hard as it was to give me a ring, it was equally as hard for me to accept it… but I did, because in my heart I know he is the one. Only relationship I have ever had where we both foster growth in one another, things are balancing and healing.
I am torn on feelings of shame that I should just be happy he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and a ring doesn't matter, but also I heavily believe in symbolism and the power we give objects, especially those representing a major life decision… and this ring was purchased and intended for someone else. This represented to her their future, her future with him, not mine. The future she lost.
Thank you for believing we can work through it. I am feeling so lost.
You my friend, are a piece of shit. And I don’t care if this subreddit bans me for calling someone such as yourself a piece of shit?♀️
Be upfront, especially if you really like her. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
unfortunately the fact that he is adamant about not wanting condoms means there's a risk of him trying to go stealth, also she doesn't want kids but obviously he does, this relationship is doomed.
Just break up with this loser already. Seriously.
I think you should tell him. I actually just had a similar conversation with my partner. I don’t need to know every single time some random person hits on her, but sexual harassment, someone at her work, someone she knows offering her money to do it? I’d want to know. Mainly because there are several ways these things could go. It’s really good that you were able to get out of there and drop her. A lifelong partner should be able to understand the position you were in and actually praise you for how you handled it. There might be a slight uncomfortably mainly if he’s concerned about your safety in the future.
Fucking diabetics
/s
Because two chicks! giggity gigity don't make me type that again.
Yea Buddy you fucked up. You shouldn't confront sometimes dad like that to show how tough you are. This isn't a movie plot. You have to earn his respect especially considering their immigrants, they believe in respect being earned not drunkenly get in their face. Just move on and accept your mistake and find someone else.
Such a lazy gift. She probably wants to be appreciated. Get her her favourite flowers? Or chocolate? Face mask? Even just get some nice massage oil and give her one lol. What does she do for you? You are almost 40 you should know her and this by now.
LOVE YOU ???
You deserve to be with someone who whole heartedly and earnestly wants to be with you.
Get damn lawyer he didn’t even wait till his own brother was cold in his grave to steal his wife! You own them nothing and they only want to stay quite because they know they did something wrong!
Don't worry about it, she's got main character syndrome. She used you to entertain herself because she was bored and decided freaking out over a past tinder date would spice up her night.
YTA
Please leave this woman alone. She's better of without you.
YTA
Please leave this woman alone. She's better of without you.
Take back the necklace and salvage some money/dignity.
Absolutely not the bad guy. She’s being unreasonable and controlling. She doesn’t respect your boundaries.
Because he is wanting to bathe the cat four times a week despite that being harmful for cats, because he got into a relationship with a cat owner knowing he was allergic. If this was going to be such a problem he should have never entered into this relationship potentially causing a perfectly happy cat to be displaced to another home.
Don't judge me internet but I just can't help myself….
So check this… the simplest suggestion is to flirt and act like you're going to give him the most mindblowing sex of his life all day long… Then at the last minute, when he thinks his dick may explode, toss his phone to him and make him describe what he wants to happen with you in full, vivid detail and block her immediately. Her upset responses will hit a wall for the immediate future and toast his later apologies.
Obviously, there is plenty of chance… almost perfect certainty… this will burn everything down, so stand close to the exit.
H
Honestly, show her this post. All the replies. Your replies to the comments, defending her. She’ll see that everyone in the world thinks her behavior is insane, despite that you’re defending her to randos and genuinely want to help her. If she doesn’t respond positively to that, I’m not sure there’s much that can be done. She probably would benefit from therapy, as others have said, but I believe everyone would benefit from therapy regardless. Good luck
Yeah that meme is kind of fucked up and your reaction was appropriate. Now he's guilt-tripping you for not meekly letting him joke that you should… die for having your interests? Does this guy respect you at all?
It’s more of a majority vs minority thing or tribalism. Anyone in the minority will get the same treatment. Try moving to Japan. Anyone Japanese would get preferential treatment.
Own your finances and say no. Don’t spend money you don’t want to spend and for the love of all things holy, don’t go into debt for a vacation! Especially not in this economy.
If he wants you to go, he can pay your way.
I (44F) make a lot more than my partner. I pay for the majority of expenses on vacay. We split our shared expenses based on % of total income. I cover extra stuff.
Seriously, don’t play this game where you over spend to “keep up”. Just say “I’d love to go but it’s not in my budget.”
Being fiscally responsible and living within your means is pretty sexy to most people. I know I wouldn’t date my partner if he weren’t fiscally responsible.
He doesn't use socials THAT YOU KNOW ABOUT. He has a different name. He is “still technically married”. You can't go to his house. He blocks you. He tells you stories that you have to convince yourself to believe. why are you relying on strangers to tell you if he's legit or not? Ask your gut.
Furthermore, the sex is only that good BECAUSE you are the other woman. If the two of you were legit, he wouldn't be half so interested.
Yup, and highly dependent of jurisdiction. A person can be stripped of their parental rights for cause, but usually signing off requires someone else to sign on. Again, very dependent on jurisdiction.
Not ideally
Is not the attitude that you should have when you're starting a marriage.”
Just FYI, you just described your future life partner as “not ideal.”
Get to know each other more? After 5 years? Are fucking serious mate? Please let her go, she deserves to find what she wants rather than being strung along by a boy who doesn’t know what he wants
The gentler version is “I paid for the phone. I never said I'd pay for service and I don't intend to.”
She's going to be unhappy no matter what, but her feelings are not your responsibility.
What boundaries?
Aside from a handful of illnesses that made me too sick to bathe, the only time I have ever gone more than a couple days without showering is when I was deeply depressed. Going one week left me feeling absolutely disgusting and I also got a fungal skin infection. The textiles in my house – couch, chair, sheets – started to retain my body odor as well.
On the other hand, a friend’s teen daughter stayed with me for three weeks last year. I only saw her bathe once in that time, but she never smelled at all. I honestly didn’t even realize she hadn’t been bathing until she took a shower, and then I was like…wait…is that her first time showering since she got here? And she wasn’t bathing when I wasn’t around because I work from home, so she was never here alone for any length of time. Every time I left the house, she was with me. It was the strangest thing and I’ve never met anyone else (that I know of) that wouldn’t start to smell bad after a couple days.
You’re a cheater. By breaking up you’ll be doing her a favor.
Yeah, this is what boggles me. Sure, fine. You want to be traditional and be a SAHM. Then why get a degree at all? Why waste that money?
OP should at least pay off that loan and money she wasted, before she expects someone to pay all her bills.
“He’s the type to cause drama” then why are you with him?
yes please tell her. She doesn’t deserve this. And if you are worried anything will happen just know HE DID THIS. Just as someone else said, social consequences of cheating.
You said she’s done this before. She just wants to make herself feel better and wants the benefits of conversation with you while fucking someone else. Cut ties completely.
The good thing is that all this came to light before you got married, got a house and moved together, had kids, etc. It’s fairly obvious you are the backup in case the soft porn lady doesn’t work out.
No problem! For future reference, you don’t need to get on one knee to tell someone you love them. That would probably confuse them and think you’re trying to propose.
Also, I would wait at least 5 dates before saying I like you and 4-6 months to say I love you. 4 months if you hang out more than once a week seems like a fair enough timeline
I don't know what his entire life has been like but C-pts as explained to me by my psychiatrist when I was diagnosed can be layer upon layer of traumatic things with the most recent one being the catalyst. I.e. childhood abuse, medical issues, relationship trauma…then your grandmother.
Huge red flags with your boyfriend.
She's wildn
Yep, incompatible. Enjoy the sex while it lasts!
Seems pretty simple, own up and tell them its yours. It seems your sister knows about your sexuality and has kept that secret for you despite you letting her take the fall and be punished for your actions. Your sister is a much better person than you.
In as much as their a legal document between the two of you. -yes
Just seems silly. If it grossed out the person I loved, I’d simply drink some water before a kiss. No need to force it.
He’s married. What more details do you need to get over him. He may tell you that you will be his number 1 but he’ll never leave his wife. Unless she finds out about you two and divorces him.
This is a happy ending to a horrific story. Good lord your soon to be ex is abusive. I'm glad Benji is okay.
“Had” being the operative word. You're married and have a baby. The fact that you still are either lying to yourself or you were raised by wolves and just clueless tells me she and that child are better off without you. I really hope you eventually see it bc that kid needs you need that kid
Exactly, I’m gonna ask her is she has done anything that i should know on the pst 12month, if she denies it, I’m not even fighting, honestly, i love her so much, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust her again. But i wanna hear her out, it’s 5years.
This is definitely break up with her territory.
While it does sound like you possibly aren't carrying your weight with regular household chores, if she had a problem with that then she needed to address it like an adult with grown up words.
Passive aggressive button mashing and snide comments are not something you need to put up with.
Sounds like she is kissing him