Yeah I get that it's hard to get rejected every time. It's not a good feeling.
I obviously don't know what she's feeling, but I'm gonna give a bit of my story because I've found it's actually a pretty common experience had by a lot of women, especially during our 20s and teenage years when we're just figuring out sex and what consent actually means. Again, idk if this pertains to your girlfriend so take from it what you will. If anything, it could be a different perspective for you to view it from.
I had a similar relationship dynamic with one of my exes. I was the one to reject him nearly every time. I think for me it began with the huffs and puffs from him whenever I said I wasn't in the mood. Which evolved into bigger huffs and puffs. His reactions made me feel guilty. Which in turn made me feel like he was pressuring me for sex. And the more pressured I felt, the more I didn't want to have sex because it felt like a duty or that he thought I owed it to him. It sort of snowballed tbh. I began to make up excuses about why I didn't want to have sex. (Mostly because I felt like I needed to justify not being in the mood since a “no” didn't seem like an acceptable answer to him.) Eventually it got to a point where we had sex a few times a year and that was it. Basically we only did it when I felt like I had to fulfill some duty or, more often, when I just wanted him to just shut the fuck up nagging me about it. Honestly, I realize now that I ended up hating him for it (plus a host of other reasons) and he was totally blind to it. He thought our relationship was great, except for our sex life. I didn't leave earlier bc he was financially dependent on me and I felt guilty knowing he'd probably have no where else to go. And also because I cared about him. Both of us sucked at communicating and we stayed together much longer than we should have.
For years I thought there was something wrong with me. I thought I just had a low sex drive, despite knowing that early in our relationship I had a high one. But after we broke up, my sex drive came back with a vengeance. Turns out it wasn't me, it was our relationship and it boiled down to me not feeling like it was safe and acceptable to say no.
I didn't really know all this stuff was why I didn't want to have sex with him at the time, this is all stuff I've pieced together years later. I think I knew at some level but I just didn't want to see it and face those feelings. So I just let things continue and fester until I just couldn't take it anymore.
But yeah, in general, feeling pressured into sex by a partner is not at all an uncommon experience for many women, so I think that's at least something to consider as something that may be in play.
Either way, it's clear you guys are struggling to communicate effectively. Communication is a skill and it must be learned and practiced. And just like with every other skill, there are right ways and wrong ways to do it. You guys can talk and talk and talk, but if you aren't doing it in a way where your partner can really hear you and feel heard, then it's just noise.
I'd really recommend either just breaking up, OR you both get into individual counseling and couples counseling. (there should be 3 separate counselors for this to avoid a conflict of interest) You should also look for a couples therapist who has experience treating couples with sexual issues.
And if you go the therapy route, it would be good to put a temporary hold on any sex whatsoever at least until you discuss it more with your therapist. Clearly there's an underlying issue that's causing your girlfriend to not want to engage in sex and until she can figure out what that is (thru therapy), it wouldn't be good to continue making her feel pressured.
It's totally valid to just want to break up at this point though. If that's what you want to do. Sex is an important thing for many people and that's okay.
Lol. That's what, the price of a cinema ticket? A movie you might not enjoy that you only get to see once. Yes I'd spend that, especially if it was to spend time with my partner, even just 3-4 hours. And far less than the $500-$600 you were quoting lmao
Didn't the guy who did research on psychopathy and the brain, found out he was a psychopath? I'm pretty sure he was a normal dude that once he found out explained some of his behaviour and helped him become a better person. I dont remember his name but there was a ted talk I'm pretty sure.
I mean, that's where this is headed. There will be a divorce in between, hopefully.
Her word choices are suspicious. Pls be smart and aware.
Yeah I get that it's hard to get rejected every time. It's not a good feeling.
I obviously don't know what she's feeling, but I'm gonna give a bit of my story because I've found it's actually a pretty common experience had by a lot of women, especially during our 20s and teenage years when we're just figuring out sex and what consent actually means. Again, idk if this pertains to your girlfriend so take from it what you will. If anything, it could be a different perspective for you to view it from.
I had a similar relationship dynamic with one of my exes. I was the one to reject him nearly every time. I think for me it began with the huffs and puffs from him whenever I said I wasn't in the mood. Which evolved into bigger huffs and puffs. His reactions made me feel guilty. Which in turn made me feel like he was pressuring me for sex. And the more pressured I felt, the more I didn't want to have sex because it felt like a duty or that he thought I owed it to him. It sort of snowballed tbh. I began to make up excuses about why I didn't want to have sex. (Mostly because I felt like I needed to justify not being in the mood since a “no” didn't seem like an acceptable answer to him.) Eventually it got to a point where we had sex a few times a year and that was it. Basically we only did it when I felt like I had to fulfill some duty or, more often, when I just wanted him to just shut the fuck up nagging me about it. Honestly, I realize now that I ended up hating him for it (plus a host of other reasons) and he was totally blind to it. He thought our relationship was great, except for our sex life. I didn't leave earlier bc he was financially dependent on me and I felt guilty knowing he'd probably have no where else to go. And also because I cared about him. Both of us sucked at communicating and we stayed together much longer than we should have.
For years I thought there was something wrong with me. I thought I just had a low sex drive, despite knowing that early in our relationship I had a high one. But after we broke up, my sex drive came back with a vengeance. Turns out it wasn't me, it was our relationship and it boiled down to me not feeling like it was safe and acceptable to say no.
I didn't really know all this stuff was why I didn't want to have sex with him at the time, this is all stuff I've pieced together years later. I think I knew at some level but I just didn't want to see it and face those feelings. So I just let things continue and fester until I just couldn't take it anymore.
But yeah, in general, feeling pressured into sex by a partner is not at all an uncommon experience for many women, so I think that's at least something to consider as something that may be in play.
Either way, it's clear you guys are struggling to communicate effectively. Communication is a skill and it must be learned and practiced. And just like with every other skill, there are right ways and wrong ways to do it. You guys can talk and talk and talk, but if you aren't doing it in a way where your partner can really hear you and feel heard, then it's just noise.
I'd really recommend either just breaking up, OR you both get into individual counseling and couples counseling. (there should be 3 separate counselors for this to avoid a conflict of interest) You should also look for a couples therapist who has experience treating couples with sexual issues.
And if you go the therapy route, it would be good to put a temporary hold on any sex whatsoever at least until you discuss it more with your therapist. Clearly there's an underlying issue that's causing your girlfriend to not want to engage in sex and until she can figure out what that is (thru therapy), it wouldn't be good to continue making her feel pressured.
It's totally valid to just want to break up at this point though. If that's what you want to do. Sex is an important thing for many people and that's okay.
I wish ya luck whatever you decide to do!
Good answer
Lol. That's what, the price of a cinema ticket? A movie you might not enjoy that you only get to see once. Yes I'd spend that, especially if it was to spend time with my partner, even just 3-4 hours. And far less than the $500-$600 you were quoting lmao
I have been thinking about this, and I think this will be the course of action.
Didn't the guy who did research on psychopathy and the brain, found out he was a psychopath? I'm pretty sure he was a normal dude that once he found out explained some of his behaviour and helped him become a better person. I dont remember his name but there was a ted talk I'm pretty sure.
Does it matter if he's noticing it or not? You cannot invite his wife. Ergo, you cannot invite him. Married couples are a package deal.
Go to therapy TOGETHER. Have a neutral third party help you navigate this to determine if it is salvageable.