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Date: September 24, 2022
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Yeh I’ve told her she’s essentially enabling their behaviour (not trying to victim blame), but she says she wants to believe in them. Yes it all feels very strange, and then as if I now have to compete even though I am dating her.
Just curious…how old are you? I literally cannot remember the last time there was a game or power move in dating.
Family stuff is hard for everyone. The most important thing is you moved with a spirit of doing what you believed to be best for your son.
Both of my parents abused me quite a bit. They were both from broken homes, that were broken in different ways, and they were from a generation where you were taught to accept that.
They both brought their misunderstanding I to our family, and I endured a lot more than you should need to.
But, I knew that they loved me, I was physically, emotionally and psychologically abused, but, I know that when they did these things to me, they legitimately believed they were doing these things in my best interest. I came out strange and broken, but, unlike my parents, I recognized that I was wrong somehow, and, I have spent over a decade putting myself together into a presentable shape. I blame my parents for a lot of the damage in my heart.
But I know their stories, and I know why they did what they did. And I can't hate them for being confused, scared and broken. They regret what's become of our relationship, because they never foresaw that I would sooner break the cycle than continue it.
I'm going to patch things up with them during Christmas, and I'll spend the rest of my life fixing things between us, because there is a lot of pain between us, but they love me, and I love them. And that bond is a difficult one to break as long as everyone is doing their best.
Find someone your own age from person experience age gaps don’t work especially when it’s early twenties – mid thirties. Two different life stages. She wants different things. End it and run
The reality is that for most men sex is how they connect with their partners intimately and emotionally.
My first question for is the honeymoon period ended, and if so had the frequency of sex in your relationship become less?
A discussion needs to be had on that, and a serious discussion about boundaries, needs to be had about him touching your breasts randomly.
Having the doors of communication open certainly seems like a good sign.
I am going out on a limb here to say you’re both the problem. Notice something, when you mention your wrongdoings it’s followed with “but has not happened since” or “it was the only time I’ve done that”. When explaining his wrongdoings you word it as though he’s constantly in the wrong. So it reads like you’re only sometimes wrong but he’s always wrong. There doesn’t seem to be any respect between either of you, you’re both making shitty remarks to each other. I’ll let you know something, the kids know you’re unhappy and staying for them is never the answer.
The way you worded things makes it seem as though you almost came into this family saved them and are continuing to save them. Do you see it this way and potentially put yourself above his? Hence where he’s making comments about you putting him down etc. this is something to think about. Your OP is wondering if you’re the problem and that’s what I’m here to comment on. I think it takes 2, and all you can control your half of the issue, but strangers on Reddit can’t really truly give you the help you need when there’s so much history to unpack.
It sounds like your mom should write a list of why she doesn’t like your boyfriend, and you read it back to her so she can see how absolutely bonkers she sounds. “You don’t like him because he thanked you For dinner and did the dishes?”
Might be important: my dad died when I was 19, and my ex cheated on me. The thought of being vulnerable again and getting hurt would ruin me. Although I didn’t include it as I don’t think that’s why I don’t like this girl.
Sounds like she wanted to use him for validation
I’m not on board with sabotaging yourself because you measure a person’s value based on looks and income. Sure end it but I think it’s incredibly stupid.
That's what I thought, any advice on how to get over it?
Gaming or distracting myself with other stuffs helps, but I don't want to depend on distraction, I just want this negativity to go awaaayy
You just described a dog. A literal dog can help with that.
Damm, you cannot control others, but you can control how you interact with others.
I highly suggest you cut this one loose, you will not be able to keep her save if she isn't willing to listen when death is pointing its finger right in front of your face.
If you know you need slapped back into reality…you just need to find your self-value, create boundaries, and evaluate the type of person that you're choosing.
You know that it's not respectful of your relationship. You know that is not all just platonic. You know that you're weirded out because you are not good with how it makes you appear to others…that your chosen person has you as just one of their “group” of orbiters.
Best learn to define your boundaries and protect your self-worth or gaining healthy respect from others will never happen, and people will freight-train you with guilt trips, shaming, accusations of controlling behavior, and many other unpleasant aspects of relationships.
So…what has he said when you’ve discussed this?
You sound a lot like my partner and I’m more like your boyfriend. And we are mid 40’s. Like…he left last night to go to our cabin and called this morning just to say good morning and I love you. That’s how he is. It wouldn’t even occur to me if he hadn’t told me years ago that he wants us to do good morning/Goodnight when we aren’t together. So he communicated that to me and before we lived together, I literally set an alarm on my phone so I’d remember to do that.
Same with the texts. I only check texts a couple times a day. I have notifications turned off because I find it really distracting when I’m trying to work. In this case, my partner has adapted to me and knows that if it’s emergent/urgent, he should call. Else I’ll reply to texts when I’m taking a break.
I think you just need to communicate what you want/need.
I was ghosted by a long distance bf after we had been dating for 2+ years. You can do move on I promise.
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So you agreed to wrestle your wife to prove you could over power her put her in what you think is her place and she was able to not only defend herself but defeat you? Good for her tbh.