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Shiit, ik bout the word abusive in this case cuz theres actual physical and emotional abuse apart from OP being an insecure kid bout it. Probably has good intentions too. At 18 he can still learn; dont need to go throwing the word “abuse” around lightly. Shit like this makes words lose their actual meaning & ppl start misusing words.
Could be, but her friend is married to a very possessive husband, so I'm told.
?
Like a week after she seen him, it was getting to me so much I couldn’t be in a relationship knowing someone didn’t feel the same way anymore, but I agree. I feel in 3 weeks I will hopefully have my feelings together same as her.
I would break up with someone for doing that. That simply isn’t the kind of person I’d want to be dating.
She’s what’s known as a “cocktease.” Ghost her bruh. Not because she turned you down, but because she freaked out and started ignoring you for daring suggest having sex after SHE TOLD YOU SHE WAS HORNY.
We work from home. So we have a office space in our home. I set her up with her own desk and laptop and phone and everything. I told her today that I need her there every day on time so I can assign other tasks to her. I hope this time she keeps her consistency.
Your boyfriend is showing you who he is. Believe him.
You moved in together too soon, and now that you've found that he lives in an alternate reality and invalidates your experience and efforts, what are you going to do?
You need to both track all the chores you both do with the amount of time it takes over the course of a week. If he continues to play victim, you are seeing what the rest of your relationship will look like and you need to run before you are permanently tied to him.
I can imagine him taking credit for all the childcare when he does FA to help.
Everyone recovers from breakups, but it can take years..
So? I'm sorry I but don't see where the implication is that the husband would randomly appear there.
You're an idiot and that man is a predator. If you've been in this sub for even 6 months you'd have come accross atleast 3-4 posts where anyone in a relationship with >9years of gap in ages has regretted doing it.
Stay away from that guy/guys like him and date your own age.
You emotionally cheated on your bf. You can't let him having to constantly reassure you of not cheating always being faithful when you do this behind his back.
You tell him what is going on.
What you can do is activaly join groups that try to get this street-harassment/SA-normalcy etc. out of our system.
Raise boys differently. You often hear.
Like said here; she needs personal counceling. Not much YOU can do; besides being supportive and patient in her process.
But you cán help an tad to create an society where future women feel more safe. Less new “your girlfriends” gets created. Tiny things help.
Sometimes being a good rolemodel is enough. If you for example might have an hobby like athletics; sign up for volunteer for the children/boys group trainer. You get your workout in; and you being a rolemodel really helps. Also for the non-male children offcourse.
Working in this field for 20+ years; it really often comes down that these harassing men did not have enough rolemodels.. not enough adults around them to teach them how to “adult” properly. And the adults they DID have in their life gave a really one-sided narrow view. So I guess an better word is; not big enough variety of adults around them.
“it takes an village” is kinda true..
the “we should get tested before we have sex“ conversation is 100% better than “what’s your body count”. The first leads to protecting both your interests. The second is just gross. Even the phrase is distasteful
My ex said the same thing. It was only sexual online, nothing happened in person. Then he told me the truth when he was drunk, and of course they did hook up.
Doesn’t sound healthy
Be polite and friendly during holidays. Most intellectual people can find a way to communicate with anyone. Consider the intellect and education of Neil DeGrass-Tyson. Can you even fathom him ever saying, “There is a massive education and economic class difference between me and them. Apart from pedestrian topics we have nothing to talk about.” Perhaps it is an inaccurate assessment, but this tone comes off as assholish and snotty.
His parents moving into YOUR home needs your permission and approval. For me, it would be a hard no.
How would you suggest hitting him back up?
On the plus side, it sounds like he has some self-awareness and insight at least. Best of luck.
You already waited a year, wasting any more of either of your time is doing no favors to anybody.
It sucks but you gotta rip off the bandaid.
One follow up question for you.
If your BF met a new girl through some friends and started hanging out with them a lot one on one. Doing activities with them on weekends. And maybe doing a night out orvweekejd away where he crashes her place or on her bed. Would that make you feel insecure at all?
These are all great comments and advice. I have yet to see ONE reply from OP….???
He sounds like a total sleaze creep, ugh. He probably calls women darlin' too and thinks he's cute.
He's over the relationship and wants you to break it off.
he doesn't like your mom and sister and oh yea he cheatin
If his not wanting to seek professional help. Make him look at the incident in a way that makes him feel like a hero (which he is). He sucked a dlck for you, he prioritized your safety over his comfort.
To add, this is such a (would you do this for me if…question).
You can use the “contacts except” feature aswell, so you can see the online status of who you need but not that of whoever you don't want on that list and they can't see yours
Learn the grapefruit technique
Long story short, your lives are headed in different directions, and there's nothing wrong with that, end it and find someone who's live path aligns with your own since you have no interest in moving, sounds like the relationship isn't all that crazy serious to begin with so it shouldn't be all that hard, though if course it's never easy breaking up
I think you should probably find another boyfriend. You guys don't seem compatible, and you're pretty controlling.
actions speak louder than words
Sweetheart, there just is no easy way around this. Everyone is acting like you know all the details, when what you do now is all one sided (that of the girl’s). Honestly, I wouldn’t try to find him through Social media since she’s been so secretive. I would, instead, look for the proper authorities and notify them. You should be able to do so anonymously or at least ask that they keep your name private and not discuss it with the offender. Wishing you the best of luck!!! And hope you can get out of this awkward situation soon!!!
What do you mean by my friend's reactions are suspicious?
Dad is out of line. You should stand up for your husband more. No one is perfect your husband apologized but your dad is still holding a grudge. Your dad will end up ruining your marriage if this continues. Please do not abandon him at Christmas it will hurt your relationship with him maybe not immediately but in the future he will remember it. Your dad also wants your husband to beg and swallow his pride to come to Christmas what a total AH.
He texted me initially and just said “really?” Which I get. I didn’t reply because as soon as I got home I fell asleep. Woke up to another text reasons 1-4 of his annoyance, the piece I wrote into my post was #4 and I haven’t heard from him since which is why I feel so hopeless on the situation atm :/
Fair enough. I think it’s a mix of things but overall more of a strategic decision when trying to build attraction that proved to be a problem
Dude…she broke your trust in ever possible way yet your thing forgive her?
Please just break up and move on your still young and there will be some day someone who genuinely loves you and don't need to be 24/7 watch so she don't cheat on you.
And Remember her first reaction was blaming shifting her one year affair on you because and I quote ” wasn't available enough for her”
She is now saying everything just to make you stay for whatever reason but it not love.
I would tell her
“look, you cheated on me for a year and now wanna tell me your sorry? You are sorry because I found out! Let be adults I break up with you so you can keep your relationship with your “teddy bear” “
may i never have to be involved with a man like this ?
Well… Start with not asking what women/girls want. You’ll never get any satisfaction because each of them want things very personal to them.
Instead, work on living your best, most authentic life. While doing that, do things with friends that expand your social circle. Meaning, don’t do things like playing video games online with your friends. Be in places with people and talk to those people.
She wants to run around with other guys and not settle down with you
They don’t value you, they value what you provide. They’re showing their immaturity by complaining about not being invited to other people. They controlled their wedding guest list just like you are controlling your party guest list. They’re acting like children throwing a tantrum.
You’re better off without them. Don’t cave and invite them. They’re just going to start walking all over you like you’re a doormat.
If they ask you directly why they weren’t invited, just act shocked and say “oh sorry, we downsized this year and kept it to our closest friends. You understand right?”. And if your other friends continue to bring it up, ask them “if they’re so upset why have they not brought it up directly with me to address the issue? Why are they having you ask me? Because I understand you’re their friend but this feels like it’s going to turn into a bad game of telephone, so I’d rather not speak about this. Hope you understand”. Show everyone you can play the shitty game Tony and Tara created.
Ask your husband if he’d rather see you do the right thing and be happy, or if he’d rather see you be uncomfortable because you were trying to “keep the peace”. Sounds like he tries to avoid conflict. But if he’s pushing you to invite them, you need to stand you ground and also explain the importance of your thought process. He needs to agree with you before the party, because the last thing you need is your husband feeling bad and inviting those 2 idiots out of guilt.
Put a festive sign up just before your door.
“Welcome to our good friends”
Have some good friends who know the score man the door and lock it after each of your friends arrive.
Are there any friends that actually truly like her? Your friends might have a point.
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Meh. She probably just wanted the gifts out her sight immediately.
You're welcome. I'm glad. Again, I don't presume to know your situation or her reasoning, just wanted to offer a more nuanced perspective because some of the takes in this sub are skewed sometimes. Good luck!
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retrieve them from the garbage and repurpose them.
Like turning them inside out and reusing them?
s/
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Tone isn’t abuse volume is. If you are loud and aggressively yelling that is abuse. Literally any psychiatrist and child development will agree that its unacceptable to yell at children or adults
Put your kid in an expensive daycare so he can see how much money you saved him
He doesn’t want to leave bc he doesn’t have to pay rent or for the food. I dream every day of loving out. But I’m dealing with health problems and am currently on disability. I’m praying to get treatment asap.
Please check out r/raisedbynarcissists. You are not alone. Tell your mom and step-dad. I hope your dad is bluffing, but if a stranger shows up, do not let them in. Keep your doors and windows locked. If the stranger does not leave, then call the cops. Hopefully it doesn't come to that. Please keep your dad at arm's length. He is not acting in your best interests.
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This is your partner and you’re nitpicking over $50 a month? Is it that big a proportion of your salary that $50 matters between partners?
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I understand. Do keep in mind though, you’ve build your own, independent relationship with her outside of the romantic one you have with her son. You don’t have to walk away from her when you walk away from your boyfriend. Things will change, and they should, but that doesn’t mean your life has to change so much that you lose her. She sounds like a good one, much like you, and I really commend her for showing up for you in this way. Take care of yourself OP, and I hope you continue to meet with her for coffee. We so rarely get to meet real, honest people – I hope she continues to love you, even after you find your better half.
Also, who knows, maybe this will get your boyfriend to get his life together? Give the breakup time to allow him to make meaningful changes before even considering this option. Go love your newfound freedom, and enjoy your wonderful friend.
Sounds like your values are not compartible. This will not last probably. Values are the most important thing for long lasting relationships, well more important than shared interests.
Your mrs is a nutta. Run.
You poor, poor man. Hey, mind sending me her digits? I can sling well above average dick, just sayin.
You, as you are now, deserve flowers. This isn’t about that.
Communicate clearly, “I would really appreciate if you bought me flowers regularly.” It may feel fabricated at first, but as time goes on, you’ll see the thought behind it.
If you communicate clearly and it’s still ignored, that’s a separate issue… but if it’s never explicitly been said and it’s not something that’s been done, AND it looks like something you’re doing yourself already… it will not happen on its own.
Finally a good comment that doesn't immediately jumps to crazy conclusions. Thank you. You're right, there is a line that needs to be drawn, on both sides, as him being so protective towards me is not normal nor healthy. I should not be treating my dog with white gloves but at the same time, my boyfriend needs to understand that he can't be so rough. We're gonna work on it, thanks again and happy new year
I guess ,I have to tell him to diwnload spotify music only?
I hate to tell you but I doubt this was the first time and has likely been cheating for much longer. You guys have had a dead bedroom for 8 months and she’s off birth control for that same time period. From what I understand and heard (from here mostly as I’m inexperienced on this personally so I could be wrong) that going off BC usually increases libido and not kills it (it is usually the opposite from what I understand).
So with that being said I would bring wondering where has her libido gone. I would be wondering why she’s so tired so early and wondering if there have been changes at work that you haven’t noticed or if a new friend or colleague she’s been talking more about recently.
I have a feeling this isn’t the first time this has happened with this guy or another guy as it isn’t adding up (for me at least). I have a suspicion that she got caught and/or her side piece(s) is threatening to talk and she’s getting ahead of this.
I hope I’m wrong, but if I were you I would do a lot of checking and possibly get a PI to check out her story and history for these last 8 months as I’m smelling something way more than a one-time oppsie here and more like trickle truth. I would watch out for a surprise pregnancy after a couple of sessions with her.
I'm wishing you luck and that this isn't what it looks like to me.
If he was “the one” he would have spent all this time in the hospital with you. He is not your person. Take necessary steps to move on and find a true partner.
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He's a man child. You're emotionally reactive. It's a bad combination. You guys need couples therapy to learn how to work things out and communicate, set boundaries, without it blowing up. In the scope of offenses that married couples encounter this is about a 5 on a scale of 10. It could be a hell of a lot worse. Couples get over worse believe you me. Get some help. This can heal but things need to change and you both need to learn what being a responsible adult is all about. If you can't get him into therapy you may have to leave or get him to. If you had kids that would be a lot harder. Hopefully that's not the case. Don't let it go on. It's not going to fix itself but it is fixable if you both can change and fortunately you're still young so it's possible. Good luck.
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They are explanations but not excuses! Also he has shown himself to be a liar and untrustworthy so how do you know it's even true? You simply cannot be with someone who has cheated on you – you will never be able to trust them and you absolutely need that trust for a healthy relationship.
I can’t really afford to suffer the cost of losing it, soo I’m still going and because I paid for the flights, and he paid for the hotel he wants to be there too.
Sunk cost fallacy. You have already paid for the flights. You will be miserable on that vacation. You need to break up with him, the vacation is not as important as your happiness. Tell him it's over and ask if he wants to take his brother or a friend on the vacation and they reimburse you.
You replied to hers and my comment because you cant calm your arse down.
People deal with devastating grief in ways no one can judge or understand in a single moment in time, the triggers. You have never been in his position clearly from your comments. So you can keep badgering on. But effectively your point is mute.
I'm sure in some moment in your life you have Done something stupid “that's not like you” we've all done it.
You can voice your views (a lot apparently) which is fine. But just because people don't agree with what you say doesn't means you have the moral high ground.
this shit isn’t a normal reaction
Neither is posting 50 comments blasting a stranger on Reddit, but here we are
If this was a guy the responses would be world's apart.
But also if you say you need to talk to her and he catched wind he will start damage control like mentioned above. Maybe suggest a girly day, something that's just you two that isn't something obvious. When you are out mention you need to talk to her about something serious and give her a chance to mentally prepare for it but do it somewhere private. Even if you say have gone back to yours for food or drinks or have a movie day or something.
Make sure she knows you are there to support her, you aren't trying to sabotage her relationship by telling her, she just deserves the truth. That you will stand by and support her no matter what. Don't do anything to push her away. Even if she doesn't want to talk to you for a while, be at the end of the phone should she ever need you.
It won't be easy, but she deserves to know. The sooner she knows, the better. Don't let her live a lie, she will only get hurt more the longer this goes on.
I don't think there is a right and wrong here. Dirext communication like I-statements are usually recommended but there really isn't any proof that it's how happy couples communicate.
Both of your communication styles are common and useful. Several answers is about how her style is more female because it's indirect and passive but that's not really true, an indirect or passive question is something else.
The problem is that if she acts like this often you will be guarded and suspicious whenever she ask you questions. You will suspect there is an ulterior motive and because you won't be able to distinguish curious question to get to know you from questions that might lead up to a demand. In that way it will erode trust and intimacy.
If she just does it occasionally when she worries that something is a particularly sensitive subject it's a really good way of showing concern for you.
My problem with your argument here is that you completely omitted her boyfriend and his choice. He's also allowed to change his mind, which is exactly what has happened. He was never given the full facts of the situation and so he could never make a fully informed choice. He may have been more on the fence about it all along and may not have pursued a long term relationship with OP had he known that having children was off the table completely.
In this case my sympathy for the guy evaporates because of his attempts at reproductive coercion, but the principle still stands that she wasn't honest and didn't give him all the facts.
To be honest I dated someone for years and was the bread winner, they quit their job with no plan to return to work or go to therapy or study or do anything!
I thought I’d nicely plan out how to end it at an appropriate time but one day I got home from work, I wanted to relax, he complained the internet was slow and impacting his gaming. Something just came over me and I broke up with him there and then.
You will get frustrated and so it. Waiting months and months won’t work.
And do you think it is okay to accept being abused for the rest of your life?
He does ALL the chores??? Reverse the genders and people would scream sexism!!
Uh, yeah it is! Normal relationships don't have physical abuse, my dear. Nor should they have emotional abuse. You don't seem to want to hear anything anyone here is telling you though, so good luck. I hope you survive having your genitals cut off once your sweet, loving boyfriend decides pictures aren't enough proof that you're being faithful. You haaaave to be a troll.
Nothing is wrong with me. I'm asking OP questions to get more information before giving actual advice.
OP is unmarried and pregnant with twins. Abd hasn't talked to her fiancé for 3 days. She's saying stuff like “I don’t know if I can go through all this”. I'm.tryong to help her see the brutal reality of that mindset
This girl will absolutely ruin your life and make you miserable with her unhinged toxicity. The way she's treating you is unreasonable and you'd be better off moving on from this relationship.
Are there public records about the case? If so maybe leave them around for your brother to find. I find it ASTONISHING that your parents remains friends with this person. You definitely know where you are in their list of who’s important in their lives. Why are you even in contact with them?
I'm gonna risk watching 3 without having watched 2. I feel that while I may miss some jokes, the movie will pretty much be a self contained experience.
I actually have a few boxers that I bought myself recently because I like sleeping naked except for my lower half. The boxers were much less restrictive and thin. Just an idea. But it definitely could be because laundry might’ve been mixed.
You need legal advice. You know what to do about the relationship. You’ll never trust him.
First and foremost take your time to process your feelings on this, I think the big thing right now is that the answer to “what should I do about this” is currently unclear. Be patient with yourself, get over the initial shock, make well-informed decisions, not rash ones.
Questions are:
Do you want to try to repair things with your wife? Or do you feel far too betrayed? That's a question for you to take the time to consider. Your daughter, you raised her as your own, I have a feeling you may want to stay in her life, but that's up in the air as well. Finally, if you get the sense that your wife doesn't want to work on things, or that you personally want to head for a divorce, quietly consult a lawyer, so you know your options from a legal perspective, and so you're prepared should things go this way. Also, on this subject, DOCUMENT/SAVE all proof you currently have. Keep a backup that isn't accessible through any sort of shared online accounts/accounts she has access to.
I feel reluctant to support my wife any further
On this subject: all you owe your wife is co-parenting, should you decide you want to stay in your daughter's life.
They dated less than 3 months, this is absolutely insane advice. They don’t even know each other.
Emotional manipulation. If he “ends it all”, that’s not your responsibility. If you break up with him and he says he’s going to end his life in any capacity, call emergency services on him. You can also request a welfare check after you break up.
You said he’s controlling…this is his way of keeping you close.
I’m sorry this is super tough. This could be many things but don’t discount a personality disorder (like borderline)..this is a direct result of childhood trauma (invalidation in particular)..try reading “Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder” and see if anything clicks. You may find you are able to continue with this person or perhaps over time you will have to step away. Take some time for yourself if needed.
Been there. It's gonna suck for a bit but just stay positive and go through the motions. Cut as much contact as possible with her, if you have no kids then cut all contact. Detaching will make things so much easier in the long run.
I know this gets posted all over reddit but start working out and eating right. And if you already do lift then go to the next level. It's important to have something to focus on and target every day.
Keep a journal and let those shitty thoughts loose on paper. If you do it every night you can go back weeks/months later and see your progress on healing from it all. Best of luck dude you'll be better off in the end.
Hey man, I'm gonna say this nicely. It doesn't matter what other people think. She's dating you.
It probably bothers you more than it does her.
It’s not emotionally abusive to refuse to make your partner food. That’s an outrageous and ridiculous response.
Tell them to grow up. You’re not their parent, they’re an adult and can feed themselves.
If anything, I know I would never put my mom in the situation of being around him again. Might just have to do separate family gatherings from here on out.
I would be tempted to punch him the mouth if he wasn't 80 years old. The second anyone in the room insulted my mom there would be some words flying around at the least.
Trust him?
This is the answer. Be okay with yourself first, OP and only date someone you want to date enthusiastically who also wants you enthusiastically.
It is entirely possible that he is just being very insecure, and you have given him no reason to distrust you. And, that the rest of the advice you are getting here is on point — head for the exit now, because it’s likely just going to get worse.
On the other hand, it is also entirely possible that he’s picking up on something— the way you talk about your guy friend, the things you talk to your guy friend about, non-verbal cues that you might not even be aware that you are giving off, etc. that is setting off his red flag alert.
The bottom line is that he feels threatened by your relationship with this other guy. You are going to have to deal with that. Lose the boyfriend, lose the guy friend, or figure out a way to set your boyfriend’s mind at ease.
Do your due diligence. Look it up. Nonsexual transmission occurs. Links in a post to your main question.
ROFL this thread should be locked as this is the only answer.
While I applaud you for leaving your husband, you literally blew up your family with an affair. This is not 'stronger than ever'. You may be bolder in your decision making but this is not a stronger family resulting from your behaviour. You approached reddit because you felt guilty. You should feel guilty, you went about destroying your family all wrong instead of doing this in a way that causes the most problems for you. Have you been cheated on? do you think it is appropriate behaviour? Do you want to teach your children that cheating is acceptable?
omg he went and had sex with other girls but this girl can’t be with anyone else?! he’s a fucking disgusting pig! this girl can do whatever the hell she wants she is not in a relationship with him and he told her that he doesn’t wanna be! there is no reason for u to ask him. he’s fucking stupid. don’t talk to him
Yeah, me and my girlfriend use each other’s phones whenever we need to. Or we let the other person hold it if our hands are full or something. Part of it is that we have nothing to hide, part of it is we know the other person isn’t going to be going through every single conversation, photo, history, and app like a stalker. It’d be really weird for either of us to act like he did without a good excuse.
you are in no position to judge what any kind of love is or isn't. this advice is ALL valuable, just because you don't like the tone doesn't mean it's worthless. people are disgusted with your lack of self-respect and dutiful willingness to subject yourself to years of debasement – while still suggesting your incredibly maladjusted partner could also do better. she IS doing better – it is in her interest to have an easy life she doesn't have to work for. it's not mature, responsible, or respectable, but it has been working exceptionally well for her.
find something more meaningful to hang onto than whatever sense of false hope or possibility you're clinging to here. there is so much depth and beauty to the world, feel some shock at the lost opportunity cost you're facing here and stop allowing your good qualities (patience, perseverance, empathy) to cloud your judgement. you need some self-esteem and to not demand unearned softness from the world around you. your life sounds draining, but comfortable, and it will suffocate you slowly if you do not learn to tolerate uncertainty and discomfort.
Is y'all's relationship good besides this?
You need to tell your husband how it made you feel and how upset you were. Ask him why he thought it was funny. Keep asking that question. To explain himself.
You also need to ask what those friends think of you and how they make you feel. What he's doing isn't right. No one should be the butt of a joke and they've never included you. Why?
She thought you were going to propose.
She should let you buy it but that was such a shit thing to say when she was trying to do something nice for you
Its not cheating but it was a boundry that was crossed that you didnt like so you made the correct choice for yourself
Is that what he said? “Emasculated”? It's not a dick size thing, is it?
I imagine he is a little insecure, which is understandable.
Maybe consider the way you word things when you reassure him. Instead of “you're all the man I need” try “you're exactly the man I want”. Does he want you to act in bed like you did in the videos? Could you do that for him?
I used these interchangeably. There's not a difference to me.
Ask yourself. Do you want to be with someone who makes you self conscious about something you enjoy? Would you like to be able to indulge in your kinks more than a rare occurrence? If the answer is no then this isn’t someone you should be with
But the truth is it didn't really “help” her. It just meant she was able to dig a bigger hole for herself.
I think that the best thing to do in this situation is to talk to him about it. If you lie about it, it will definitely ruin your relationship with him. If you tell him about it, he won’t think you asked for them. Tell him about the entire conversation along with picture of it, but don’t be accusing about it. Just apologize a lot as you talk to him. That’s what I would do in this situation.
I’m a little confused how he could have forgotten the multiple times I have already expressed this concern to him about how petty he gets when I “ignore” him and how it’s not ok to me.
He obviously hasn't “forgotten”, he just doesn't care because he feels his needs are more important than yours.
If you feel like the relationship is worth pursuing, you should have a serious conversation about what you expect from each other and what you can realistically provide the other. If those things don't match up, then it might be best for both of you to part ways. After all, it's only been 4 months and you're already finding yourself struggling.
How does the coach feel about him being in him?
It sounds like you have anger problems you need to work on. Also, understanding other people’s perspectives. You are overreaching on the politeness of never staying over 2 nights in a row. If her parents don’t care, why do you care? Then your lack of Unser standing your girlfriend’s perspective. Also date someone your own age.
What do you mean by your dad not being the best person? What has he done?
Probably wanted to break up with you to date other women as you didn’t say the reasons why he broke up with you.
i think you imagine the sadness in his eyes. He was probably feeling awkward because you saw him with her. No one is twisting his arm to go out with others. Try to move on, go out. Have fun. Till september he will have time to go out with other women and if he’s not falling in love he’ll come back to you.
Don’t wait for him. Have the best time of your life and when he comes back you too would have experienced other people and if the love is still there between you two then it was meant to try again together.
I would say this was far more than just emotional cheating. Emotional cheating is when you start getting romantic feelings towards somebody and instead of shutting them down in your head you start thinking, fantasizing and imagining being together.
Your GF literally confessed love to this guy and entered an actual relationship with some other dude while being with you. Yes, it was an LDR but usually people who enter those consider them actual relationships, which I personally disagree with but that's irrelevant.
Regardless, this is much more of a problem IMO than you think it is. Whether you forgive her or not is up to you, you haven't said how long you've been together, which matters here because if she did that within the first year or 2-3 years of the relationship it doesn't bode very well for the future. If you're together for like 10 years then that would be much more understandable imo, but still something you two will have to work through.
I think she will feel most secure if she is making her own money. I don't think you giving her any amount of money will make her feel secure. What is her career?
I can tell you don’t because the minute you said you did you commented on your appearance. I’m 31 now and didn’t know what it meant to love myself until my late 20s. Shit is hard, I relate heavy to the body dysmorphia (husky kid – fat adult – ripped to shreds – now average)
At the end of the day it’s me, myself, and I. No person is conditional to my happiness but me. It sounds like your a bit loss in direction of life (I can relate and I’m taking big inference on your story)
The sex scenes are graphic however.
Irrelevant. Anyone who claims at 23f they may become a lesbian at age 40 is a flake.
No, you don't count pregnancy from date of conception. As I stated in my post, she'd be at most 19 weeks, 3 days (4 days today) as the fetus is measured and dated from the start of the last period, which would have occured prior to intercourse with OP.
Wake up and smell the gay
response to edit: This is even more reason to sit him down and come clean. While no it shouldn't matter either way and he obviously didn't start dating you for you having had or not had sex before, it is still a foundational thing, it could cause a rift later on that you lied continually to him. Honestly this is a what you deem as important to divulge. Again, by all technicalities (as long as you don't have a medical reason to disclose), You don't have to tell anyone your sexual history.
I'm curious when it came up again. Like was it after having sex??? If so it may have been just what I said of him knowing and wanting to clear it up. He may still know the truth and just realized it was a embarrassing thing on your end. I mean lets all be honest here and say that our first times is nothing like our 10th-100th-1000th and usually one or both partners know it… Or he could be oblivious. You won't know until you talk to him.
It could go either way on his reaction… unfortunately that is just the case. However, coming clean of your own initiative and being apologetic for lying will get you a much smoother reaction than him finding out. (Like if you have a GF that knows the trust and she slips up and spills the beans)
Bigger isn’t always better. I have more exciting and adventurous sex with the 3rd biggest guy I’ve been with. Your insecurity is just that. Also if it about replicating that specific sensation, she wants to feel more full, get a toy, it’s a tool not a replacement. It’s like gamers who love gadgets. Need a new headset? A gaming chair? Something that makes the experience more interesting? That’s how you should approach fucking and toys.
How big someone is has nothing to do with how connected you feel to them or how willing they are to listen, learn and experiment, both of which are more important for fulfilling sex.
You're being downvoted because this sub acts like every relationship has to have a notarized letter of exclusivity, signed by a lawyer. 99% of people, outside of reddit, would be devastated to find out the girl they were seeing banged 3 dudes over a month and 4 dates.
“Nobody wants to go home after a date feeling butteflies, and find out that their girlfriend went home and got railed by another dude.”
OP NGL, this sounds exhausting
If you and she are intending to have contact while she's away you should probably just ask her if she wants to end your relationship. It's not fair for her to float this just as she's leaving. She's laid all the groundwork to dump you while she's gone. So maybe beat her to it.
If its multiple girls at the same time i see no issue
First of all, don't cheat on him.
Second, it was nearly 10years ago. Is he still the same person he was 10 years ago? Does he still drink and rage and break things? If yes, you need to leave. If not, you can safely assume he is past that. Talking with about it would be helpful to decide that as well.
A part of me that feels like if I hadn't cheated on him, maybe he wouldn't have gotten involved with someone else.
You think? You broke the relationship…
Your relationship is doomed. This is the consequences to your actions. You don't really have a right to be mad over things he did while you were broken up due to your cheating.
End the releationship.
Work on yourself.
Take your next relationship more seriously.
Would she message you? Would you want her to? I'm not telling you definitively what to do in either direction. I've gotten that message from an ex before and as much as it sucks, it at least gave me the opportunity I needed to take some space and get over it before we re-engaged as friends. As long as you make sure the message is out of concern and not gloating (which, given your tone here I don't think would be a problem), you seem to have her best interests at heart.
They were like you slept with him and like him, and now that you and your husband are separated you should make a move towards a relationship.
Reading is fundamental. My post stated he wanted to see me! How did I lose? Feels like a win ? I didn't drive or Uber to a man who decided to get a hotel 40 minutes away from me, get drinks and end up back at his hotel. Now that would have been a loss! ? Think like a lady and not a ?
You can’t make him stop drinking, though it’s not ‘controlling’ to try and make an alcoholic stop. You can start pouring out all of his alcohol, but it seems like he’s just going to the store to get more.
I personally would 100% breakup, especially since it’s so triggering for you. He is not your responsibility, and you’ve tried.
?♀️ So get rid of her. It'll be better in the long run, for you especially. Let her suck the life out of somewhere else.
She could… get surgery, no?
It has been 2 years since this transpired. This isn't about you cheating.
Never be insecure about yourself trust me Everyman dreams of being able to satisfy his woman and at least for me seeing her squirt is a magical feeling not all women can do it
What was the latest conversation about having kids? Was it ‘great we agree on having at least 1’ or was it ‘let’s wait and see’?
If it was the first one then you are right to feel deceived (removing what you said from the picture entirely). If it was the second one then it seems like a follow up convo was needed and never had so not sure you can place blame for that.
Please dont have a kid unless you want too.
My best friend did that because she felt she needed too and its been a horror story ever since. She tries to be a good mom, but shes always annoyed and always super stressed and missing oppertunities she would love while being screamed at constantly by a toddler dosent help at all. On top of that her pregnancy was super high risk towards the end, and her daughter ended up with a heart defect and needed heart surgery at 1 year old. I had to step up and help take care of her daughter 20 hours a week, on top of her mom husband and herself, because she could not handle being a mom with the grace needed for a childs development to go right and try and work
Please please dont have a kid unless you really are ready to deal with everything it entails. She lost most of her friends who didnt have kids, she couldnt hold a job for a long time because someone needed to be home with the sick baby. Children deserve the world and unless you are really dedicated to giving it to them dont have one just to please someone else. If you are really ready put the work in. But make sure you know yourself.
Definitely not lol but he claims he would totally forgive me
If he's watching that often and choosing porn in leui of actual sex, he has an addiction.
This isn't a new attitude for men. I worked construction jobs and men trash talked their wives like this all the time. It's basically them blaming their wives for the responsibilities they have chosen. Turned me off marrying. I'm lucky to know men who haven't chosen to remain children.
At some point, you have to accept that your decisions are your own and that it’s OKAY for people to judge you for those decisions.
It takes a lot of privilege to demand that someone support you unconditionally regardless of how uncomfortable your actions or decisions make them.
“Hahaha you have privilege because you can quit a job” is a great zinger, but it doesn’t change anything. She’s covering for a bad person because it benefits her financially. The only difference between that and taking a bribe is that she’s poor I guess.
Ok there is absolutely not reason to carry your sex toys in your trunk and sounds like you didn’t even know if their existence. She is up to no good 100%
Well we see why he’s pursuing a college kid. Cause no women that knows her worth would ever have this question
Do not ignore it. Think of it as an infection and you need to treat it to get rid of it. (Since you said you think you want to work through it). First thing I’d do is go talk to the lawyer who drafted your pre-nup. Get their input first. Then confront her – with the evidence, and a plan for moving forward. (individual Therapy for her and Marriage Counseling, cutting contact with the guy, confessing to his wife, and a commitment t to your marriage and whatever else you require from her to be able to start to rebuild trust). If she refuses any of your demands, then know what your next step will be.( separation, divorce ??). And then follow through with your plan.
Also if you confront her do your absolute best to not cry in front of her because I've heard a few stories where when their husband cried in front of them the woman lost some feeling of attraction to their husband. It's probably true that those stories are over exaggerated but still if they are true best to not pile on if you are still intrested in saving the marriage.
Updateme!
Your fiance is right. You're wrong. Apologize.
As an old person, I couldn't put up with anyone this insecure who asks me a bunch of questions about a comment I made. But I'm assuming you said she's undateable because you don't find her attractive/or do find her attractive but awful (the character)? Perhaps develop some discretion in your communications. You say you don't like to lie, but you don't have to lie to be discreet and judicious in how you say stuff. Good luck.
This is one of those situations where you have an important decision to make. Are you going to behave in accordance to your morals? Or are you going to let your insecurity turn you into the villain?
See, the issue here is you have no proof. So you can either have faith in her, or you can do some creepy spy shit and find out for sure. But risk losing her if you're wrong about it.
Pick your battles bro. You don't have to immediately react when you find something like this. You can keep it to yourself and wait until further evidence pops up, which would be the best move here. Because if she isn't cheating, then it's nothing. But if she is, she's more likely to be more guarded if she thinks you're onto her. If she thinks you're completely unaware, she'll get sloppy and lazy and out herself eventually. Hope this helps.
Imagine your wife was going out to eat with and going on date-like trips more often with another man than she did with you. You would be hurt. You're going to destroy your marriage if you keep this up. By not cutting off this woman who you're emotionally cheating with, you're showing your wife even further that this woman is more important to you than she is.
You’re dating someone with pretty shitty morals. Probably wants to cheat if not already doing so.
Adding someone to a deed seems like what happens on paper, in reality you are transferring a portion of your ownership. Not really the wisest decision if you aren't receiving something for the property you are giving away
Haha not at all… Geez.. I spoil the shit out of her. I always felt guilty for her doing things for me. I just had never had anyone give a shit about me in that way. Currently I do a majority of the cooking and cleaning. I was just saying how she won me over despite not checking all of the boxes in what I was looking for in a partner. She's faaaar from a bangmaid. I encouraged her to quit a dead end job as a dog groomer under the table to go to a grocery store. Now she's a bakery manager with a 401k and a union employee. She'd be the first to admit shes never had the kinda life that we've had together
No, he deserves to tell them now.
Im so glad to hear your situation changed for the better. Love that froth for both of you. I have thought about wrenching on his balls but I can’t bring myself to cause him physical pain.
1. Just having sex w the mom or 2. In an actual relationship with her.
Both. He is doing both. Just block him.
You are more fixated on breasts than most people in this thread
He did say the other day he thought he was venting too much to me, to which I responded I really don’t mind. I’m trying to be so patient! I want to make it work
Couldn’t the same be said for the other side though? As in if OP starts forcing herself to initiate sex she doesn’t want, it would feel like all work and no fun. It could eventually feel like a chore to her to the point she actually starts to hate sex.
I understand where you’re coming from. I know that my sister will take the criticism that our family will give her, but I don’t think I want that at my wedding.
I have other family members who have also been “disowned” coming, so she might feel more comfortable knowing that they will be there.
I’m still not comfortable with her bringing her friend because I hardly know her.
No, but without further explanation lots of men hear a woman is on birth control and assume they can ejaculate inside if the woman doesn’t insist on a condom. I’m not speaking on this situation because obviously OP was on birth control when they had sex the first time and also used a condom. But in general, a man hears birth control and thinks they can go wherever they want.
Is she offering to pay you back? If not, let her know your payment plan idea, and if she doesn’t want to, then know that she will always expect you to foot these bills
Yeah I get that. But I think your mutual approach to finance is creating issues where they shouldn’t exist. You’re both feeling like you’re on a shoestring when you aren’t, and it’s causing quibbles over things.
Her ‘expenses’ are $3800 a month but literally $3000 of that is investments/savings. It’s very dril candle tweet.
I get that it’s better now and I’m glad. If the tension arises again consider that a happy marriage is a better investment for the future than a 80% investment ratio.
There are several variables to consider,
First: okay was used. Not accept. Accept != okay. Okay means what exactly and in what context. Can feelings that resolve to “okay” mean that the Initial response was “not okay”. Second: she was already livid by the situation. Third: children in car. Four: relationship dynamics, e.g. she told him to put the kids in the car. Is she the one 'wearing the pants' making primary decisions often. Is there a sense of submission. Five: familia dynamics. Six: exhaustion. Seven: consideration of topic, perhaps the subject means nothing to him or perhaps he has gained new insight. Eight: how are discussions usually go within their relationship. It's a wonder this has never come up before after 8 years of marriage. Nine: hypothetical. Ten: embarrassment. Eleven: the answer isn't clear cut.
Are you sure you’re both in your twenties? This sounds more like young teenagers playing “dare”.
2 weeks 20 years ago? I’d struggle to even count that as dating. An affair 15 years ago, which has long been forgiven by all parties? I…don’t see the issue? I mean at his age, he will have a past. I am going to hazard a guess, that he is not the same person that he was 15 years ago. I damn hope, I am, or I shouldn’t be driving.
If his last relationship failed because of cheating or there was a pattern, then I’d get it, but your reaction to ancient history seems a little weird to me. I’m not too sure I remember who I dated for 2 weeks 20 years ago.
False accusations are the majority, not sure how that's “super rare” for you, they are on the opposite ends of the scale.
It’s so shocking how someone can just be so unaware of themselves. Everything you accuse me and other of on this thread are things you were the one doing. Are you really so delusional?
Take some time. Log off Reddit. Go try to educate yourself. Read something written by actual scholars instead of people on the internet who make random statements and stick with it no matter what because they think it makes them seem smart or cool. It doesn’t. You see the dislikes on your comments and the replies with multiple people pointing out how incorrect you are right? You do realize there’s a reason for that right? Truly intelligent people admit when they’re wrong, and then learn from it. Then continue to learn. Being smart isn’t knowing everything or “winning” every argument. It’s about being receptive to new information and trying to learn from sources that are well studied and peer reviewed rather than only acknowledging information that verifies the point you made without any knowledge of what you were talking about.
Also, let’s clarify definitions. Encyclopedia Britannica defines projection as, “projection, the mental process by which people attribute to others what is in their own minds.”. I used that correctly. You’ve been accusing others of doing the things you were doing. Self-awareness is defined on google through Oxford languages as, “conscious knowledge of one's own character, feelings, motives, and desires.”. I also used that correctly. By ignoring your own logical fallacies you instead accuse others of either being the cause of them or of being the incorrect ones, which demonstrates you don’t seem to know or understand your own character and motives. Then the definition of statistics. Merriam-Webster defines statistics as “1 : a branch of mathematics dealing with the collection, analysis, interpretation, and presentation of masses of numerical data 2 : a collection of quantitative data”. “Super-rare” is an adverb and an adjective, and is meant to give an approximate idea rather than be a precise result based on a data set. I wasn’t referring to you saying “majority” (though that statement is false however not what I’m talking about here). I was referring to your percentages you were claiming. A percentage is a presentation of a numerical mass of data. You were the first to start using the percentages and actual numbers, therefore you were the one who began using statistics.
Mate you created this shit storm. 1. You both had a second child not just your wife. Get a vasectomy if you’re so hard against having any children.
You ignore your wife’s wishes pretty much constantly
Your parents are AH’s to her when she was especially vulnerable and instead of defending your WIFE and mother of your children you hid like a little wimp. Get a spine.
Her parents are involved because they aren’t AH’s and don’t verbally abuse her. Get over it.
I would also get your locks changed as you don't know if he made copies.
I had to do this recently an it was a pain in the ass but well worth my safety.
“It's not my job to hold you accountable, but every time I see you doing that, I lose respect for you as a partner. Your call.”
Possibly gay, and just wanted a biological child. Also had zero disregard for your disregard wellbeing… it's never going to get better. You're a in house bang maid and Nanny. Divorce him
The porn thing is definitely something you should be considering.
Whenever theres age gaps in relationships i like to imagine it from their perspective. Why is a 40 year old dating someone so young? What do they gain from this? What do they have in common? Could it be immaturity or could it be they're easier to manipulate? It's things to think about from his perspective to better understand if this relationship is actually built on good foundations or not.
Then you add the porn thing into those questions and you start to get a different picture of why hes with you. It doesn't feel as innocent to me anymore. The odds are against you on this one imo.
I dont trust him.
I hate to be the one to break it to you, but threatening suicide if someone breaks up with you is a manipulation tactic. She's isolating you from a friend, violating your privacy by going through personal devices without permission, and manipulating you into staying by making threats. Those are all VERY common signs that a relationship is going to turn abusive if its not already. You NEED to run.
Only really the weekends but I end up sleeping really late on weekends since I wake up with our daughter really early but it’s the only time we get to spend together and actually laugh and have fun but it almost immediately goes away for the rest of the week it’s just starting to feel like I’m not important to him anymore ya know I feel like I’m on the back burner
Maybe she hates you because you're a desperate and pathetic excuse for a man looking to find random sex behind your family's back on reddit? That's probably why.
Nurses can get hit on a lot when they’re just doing their job. Patients in particular can confuse the care and attention they get as the basis for something more.
You don’t know if she’s married, engaged, has a partner or anything else about her. You’ve cast your line in the water and if she bites, well done, and if she doesn’t then under no circumstances do you go back and try again because that’s harassment.
I’m wondering if maybe she is indeed having pictures taken for him, like a boudoir shoot. Those are popular and I bet she’s bringing 5 outfits so she has a bunch to choose from. Fingers crossed that’s what it is!
Thanks for your reply. This helps a lot, I was starting to feel like I'm crazy. I hope it'll pass.
Sounds like he's already hooking up with other women.
He is allowed to be disappointed that I don't want to have sex for a second time in one night (highlighting second here because it's not like I'm withholding sex from him), but what's not okay is that me saying “no I don't want sex” is resulting in a 15 minute conversation where he's expressing nervousness that we are headed toward a dead bedroom.
The love he has for isn't going to change the fact that he's not ready to settle down yet and wants to explore a little more. If you somehow convince him to stay with you, he'll probably feel resentful and continue to do these things.
You feel a way. And he also feels a way. And his feelings matter. You have to let him go live his life. Maybe he'll fall on his face or fall in love or miss you terribly. Anything could happen.
You're also too young to be wasting time trying to force this relationship to work. You might find yourself relieved to not have to fix every problem that pops up. You might fall in love with someone that wants you and only you.
Break ups are hard. You will miss him. You will cry. But you're crying anyway. You're both miserable not getting what you want. So just work towards letting him go and finding peace for yourself.
Sometimes TikTok has the exact right sound for a situation.
“He's not the love of your life! He's literally just a guy! Hit him with your car!”
Copying what I said in another comment about the wedding planning:
We really haven't agreed on any aspect of the wedding planning to be honest. First of all, I feel like we're rushing to put too many things together too quickly when we really don't need to be on such a fast timeline but my fiancé is pushing for the wedding to happen within the next six months. We're disagreeing about the actual type of ceremony that we want to have (cultural differences) and how big it should be, he wants a huge wedding that's going to be really expensive and I'm finding the whole idea really overwhelming. Also his family is pushing into the planning quite a bit which feels especially unfair because my family are the ones paying for it, so that's also causing a lot of friction. It's honestly just every part of it, the whole thing has been stressful. We can't even agree on colors that we might want to have.
Yea I got some ick reading it.
Add “and you need toflush the paper too!”
You dodged a bullet on this one. I hope that she realizes someday soon, that it is her friend who is being manipulative and controlling, as evidenced by all the relationships she is cutting off because of him.
Username checks out.
As you get older you're going to look back and realize that every time you did something that was so against your nature that you felt like you lost a bit of yourself, there was a part of you screaming not to do it. It sounds like this is one of those times for you. She sounds… ill? I'd say just let her go and find someone else to focus your time on. No matter what she says now, her wanting more than you and implying she can barely control herself around other guys is a deal breaker to a monogamous person. You're 22, go make some money and new friends. You'll look back in a few years wondering what happened to whats-her-name.
But you will spend it using stories of strangers on the internet as a form of “escapism” to detach from your real life.