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Date: January 3, 2023

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  1. This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.

    Throw away account because I really need some community advice. For some context – I met my husband when he was 36 years old and I was 19 years old. Arguably a large age gap, but at the time I didn't see anything wrong with it. I have never been someone who enjoys casual sex (nothing against it – I was just a very shy teenager who was always in a committed relationship) so needless to say when I met my husband there was significant difference in our sexual experience. Despite this, we had a great sex life for the first few years of our relationship. Fast forward 6 years we have two kids (one is mine, one is his from a previous marriage), a house, life stressors, etc. Since the birth of my youngest son (2y) our relationship has been very rocky. I noticed him watching significantly more porn, his Instagram feed is full of naked women that don't look like me, when we have sex he doesn't make eye contact with me. This caused a huge self esteem issue for me that caused me to not initiate sex as often. He has always been the main initiator but I do try to initiate on my end whenever I am in the mood and he hasn't already. There are a few other issues I feel are relevant that have caused me to lose that intimate sense of emotional security and I feel like the combination of these things has just made our sex life go downhill. He frequently belittles my contributions to the household (I work full time, take care of the kids full time, cook, clean, etc.) He comes home from work and gets to sit in the garage and have his decompress time for an hour and a half until dinner is ready. Then I clean up after I cook, get the kids ready for bed, then put the kids to bed. By that time I am EXHAUSTED and its already 9 pm. I have explained this feeling multiple times and it never goes well so I stopped having the conversation. Even though I am dead tired, whenever he initiates sex I never say no. I always figure its better to have a quickie than nothing at all. Then wake up and do it again. Also, his way of initiating is never really arousing.. its often “come here and give me some ass” or something like that but I just ignore it and proceed.

    We had sex 2 days ago and it was nice. Initiated by us both.

    Last night, I am BEAT. I get into bed and my husband asks if I am going to take a shower. I say “No, I'm really really tired and I want to work out in the morning so I will shower then.” 4 am is the only ounce of alone time I get so I take it. He responds “Okay, im going to take a shower” That is his subtle way of saying he may or may not want sex. I crawl in bed next to him and lay my head on his shoulder and watch while he is playing a game on his phone. Some time passes and I say “were you going to get up and take a shower?” and he said “yes”. After a few more minutes I fall asleep.

    This morning I think nothing of it and bring him his coffee like I do every morning, give him a kiss, and continue getting me and my two year old ready to school and work. When I ask him if he slept good he gets upset and says in a very passive aggressive tone “I really would have liked to have sex last night. Its very clear you don't want to have sex with me anymore. We don't have the chemistry we used to.” This caught me off guard completely. I explained to him that I was really tired and I am sorry that I fell asleep, but if he wanted sex he should have made a move as he knew I was tired. He got really upset by this and stated he shouldn't have to tell me things like this and that if he has to tell me what he needs it will be forced on my end and he doesn't want that. I calmly told him that communication is incredibly important and that if he isn't getting something he needs to he needs to let me know as I cant assume or read his mind. I was confused because I initiated the sex two nights ago and it was very clear I enjoyed it. He continued to disagree and tell me that he doesn't feel I want him anymore and that he shouldn't have to share his needs with me. (My love language is affection and he doesn't like affection – so I am always the only one to initiate affection – how is him telling me his sexual needs any different?

    This concerned me because I feel he is completely incapable of communicating his needs and that's going to cause bigger issues if it has not already.

    A few days ago my husband cracked a “joke” about 'what would you do if I got another woman pregnant?” and then doubled down on the fact that he was joking. I made sure to put that in my back pocket. A day or two later he joked again about how if he cheated it would be my fault and I said “how the hell would it be MY fault?” and he said “Because you didn't put it down on me enough.”

    Again.. keeping that in my pocket.

    I am so incredibly frustrated about the whole thing and just need some input. Any other exhausted moms with little sex drive? Has anyone else experienced something like this? Is it possible he is projecting some guilt or is it just me searching for answers.

    I appreciate your response.

    tldr; My husband is upset with me because I fell asleep before we could have sex – I had no idea he wanted to have sex to begin with. I was exhausted because I work full time and take care of our kids full time. He feels he should not have to communicate his needs with me and I should just know what he needs.

  2. She was unaware that I would be getting cash from a different rainy day fund that we both knew about,

    I only used $20

    I initially told her I had used $40 from this other rainy day fund without telling her I had done so.

    She proclaimed that she hadn't made a mistake in counting and then began to accuse me of taking $40 from the savings account we both share.

    Wait, am I reading this right?

    You took $20 from Tip Jar A, but you told your wife you took $40 from Tip Jar B (the shared savings jar.)

    Then, she counted Tip Jar B and said “I just counted up and you took $40 from B” and got mad at you.

    Then, you told her “actually I took $20 from Tip Jar A, not $40 from B”. Did I misunderstand something here?

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