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annabellrio chat
Date: November 25, 2022
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He will need to get over it, but you should acknowledge that it will be disappointing for him. Try think of an alternative plan to make him feel special, badge it as being better! He’s having a normal reaction (like a FOMO++) but he has no say in whether you can go or not.
I think it’s the rudest thing
You seem significantly more flattered than offended.
and stuck in a hotel room together for the night.
You can always just get another room.
LSD and MDMA are hardly shooting smack through the eyeballs guys. I did both in my teens/20s, didn’t move on to harder drugs, didn’t OD, never attempted suicide, never had my life “spiral out of control” and am a responsible adult in my late 40s with an executive job in finance, a partner of many years and no debt other than my mortgage. I still like to get stoned a couple of times a year and have a very occasional drink, but I’d probably do hallucinogens again too if the opportunity came up at the right time with the right people
Mould growing on the walls and/or ceiling is very rarely an issue of a tenant not being clean enough. The only way I can see a mould issue being the tenants’ fault is if they were somehow altering the humidity in the apartment in a way that went against the way it was designed – leaving windows open in the rain, turning off a humidifier that was provided to them by the landlord, not running the fan when showering (again, if it’s built in to the bathroom system or provided by the landlord), misting the air for plants, etc. You admit that mould grew there when you lived there as well, which means it’s almost certainly none of those things but an issue with the way that particular room and bathroom is ventilated.
The fact that you think that they should be just wiping it off is the problem here. Your mother, as the landlord, is responsible for ensuring the living space is safe and that all essential systems are in good working order. Living in a space where mould grows can cause long-term respiratory issues. The space she is providing is not safe, and changes need to be made to ensure mould does not continue to grow.
Renting to friends at below market rate is a nice thing to do, but it doesn’t mean you get to neglect the basic responsibilities of being a landlord. The fact that you feel like you aren’t responsible for replacing a broken appliance because “they aren’t taking care of the apartment” supports the idea that you are doing just that.
Because you’re asking for advice on how to manage the relationship, my suggestion is to not rent to your friends in the future. It’s clear that you are using that friendship (and the cheap rent) as an excuse to both neglect the responsibilities of being a landlord and overstep the boundaries of a landlord/tenant relationship – you don’t get to dictate how they are using the space as long as they are not causing lasting structural damage.
She’s gaslighting you into believing you’re wrong. You went out of your way to do what you thought would be a nice gesture. A typical person can be upset while recognizing that it was a kind thing to do. A typical person (especially one with mental illness like myself) has to be at the top of their game when it comes to communicating. She’s acting helpless, codependent, and possibly you caused all of that, and it’s not fair that we always have to be our best selves and be the bigger person and do the therapy and read the books – but it is what it is. Eating disorder or not – you either eat the dinner as prepared or you don’t eat. Which could trigger her. Which is why she needs to be the one to say “I’m going to make the meals. I appreciate what you were trying to do, but because I’m the picky eater, I’d prefer I’d you woke me up to cook.” And then she has to stick to it. Neither of you can be angry about situations you create. Why did she need you to do her adaptive stuff on her computer? She’s finishing undergrad – she couldn’t figure it out? It’s one thing to ask for help – but to demand you do the entire thing is something else entirely. This is a very strained relationship. She’s messed up – as am I. It’s not a judgment, it’s what is. And being not messed up is on us. Not our partners. She needs therapy. She’s in school and should be able to get a free one through the university. Also in the uk don’t you have universal healthcare? Correct me if I’m wrong. She can do most doctor visits on her laptop. Dentist, and friends – that’s on her to do. She has to say “in six weeks I need $55 to get my teeth cleaned. If they find anything wrong I will bring the bill home to discuss what we can and can’t afford right now.” I had to wait over a decade to get my teeth fixed – but keeping up on them being clean is my responsibility. I have so much in common with your wife it’s difficult to see who i used to be. But there is hope for change. If she desires it. If she sees nothing wrong with her actions – you need to set healthy boundaries. If that means a separation – that’s what it means. It doesn’t get better once college is over. If she sees nothing wrong but you, she will continue to guilt you into being her constant caretaker. Next it will be she’s too stressed to work. Too stressed to be kind to your children. To stressed to get out of bed. Nothing but demands and screaming matches. It just keeps getting worse until something shocks her into changing. For me it was the fear of losing my partner. I’ve always been in therapy but I didn’t take it very seriously. I grew up with abusive parents. I have a slew of mental health issues. I struggle with an ED and require my food to be very precise. So all of this comes from a place of being in wife’s shoes.
She is wrong here. You can acknowledge your part in it (not knowing how she prefers spaghetti?) and work on the food together. Make sure the plan for what you are eating, your budget, supplies in the house for what – all of it – to prevent this argument in the future.
But besides that she needs therapy and you need MC. Full stop. It’s an unhealthy dynamic. No matter who is wrong – you both need to be working to be better for each other. If one isn’t working, the other needs to set the boundaries and be ready to act on them. We can only control ourselves.
Hmmm?! AP could have informed her about your cheating then conforted her with his pi-nis?! XD
The fact that's its the same woman is sticky cause there could be acyaul feeling there and who knows if he will act on them.
On the other hand coming clean sane day points to repentance. He knew it could make your friend leave him but came clean with no prompting right away.
I honestly have no idea if he will or not as the facts point both ways. I do know if you yell your friend he will and she loves him enough she might not listen. Be mindful of how you talk to her about it and maybe keep an eye out for warning signs.
I feel for you OP, but I don't know if you're going to get past his deflection and discomfort here.
I’m being facetious about the end of the world, but I do disagree with the term “boundary” being applied this way. In my opinion, “boundaries” are limits to what a person will accept being done to them directly. What we are discussing here I would call a “rule” – something that binds both parties in the relationship. This gives a more precise description of what is happening. In my opinion setting a unilateral rule that weed is not allowed in the relationship is unreasonable and controlling. I understand that people disagree with this, but all advice is inherently subjective right?
What would one of my unilateral rules in a relationship be? How about “no torturing animals”
You dodged a bullet, huge red flag, I would never ask my bf for money, never mind 200k.
You got lucky this time, stop giving your money out unless you're prepared to never get it back.
Becauae what she did was traumatic, believe it or not. Breaches of trust like what happened in thier history made a WOUND, and even if it healed, it still left a scar – aka trauma. He will always go back to this moment, and its not necessarily his fault, its almost like ptsd (though not that extreme). This will forever always be his trigger – and its not his fault, its OPs. OP now has to decide how she will act in according to this knowledge. If she wants to be able to text guys her boyfriend has never met etc., you can expect OPs boyfriend to get triggered from time to time. No, it doesn't make it right. Yes OPs boyfriend should hopefully one day learn to leave it in the past, but thats not up to him. Therapy doesn't fix this sometimes. Breaches of trust are lifelong. You can heal but you'll never forget. This is why sex therapists agree that if there has ever been a giant breach of trust in a relationship (cheating etc) just break up and move on. Becauae your relationship will never be the same. Ever.
So you are intimate then? Holding hands, cuddling, spooning?
?
He's a liar and a fool. He said those things because he knew you would believe them, and he wants to hurt you, likely because he knows he's a shit person so he wants you to feel like shit to.
I know it's so easy to believe the bad stuff people say about us, and harder to believe the good, but you have got to accept that what he said was not true, and that he is lashing out
I work in this field. The 'number' changes a lot depending on the country, year, continent, and source. I would never rank cancer incidence 1-10, only “more common” and “less common”. I also wouldn't use “incidence” and instead some kind of weighted impact which takes into account severity. For example, prostate cancer is fairly common but slow growing and most people die 'with it' instead of 'of it'. I'm surprised to see pancreas as number 3 in your post, it's fairly rare but the 5-year survival very low. Breast can be fairly easy to treat or fairly hard to treat depending on the subtype (hormonal Vs triple-neg).
The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb
Maturity levels, different stages of life, power dynamic (he probably has an established job with a little money and you don’t), so many things.
You should be healthy for yourself, not for him.
I'm not going to say “asshole”, but it's definitely illogical to try to turn someone into the kind person you want, instead of just meeting the kind of person you want. Trying to change someone is bad news all around.
I also feel like op will be devastated if it doesn't work out because they've talked about how they know they will be together forever. That is a lot of pressure…
We need to feel sexy and confident and connected to you first. Compliments both sexual and not, emotional connection through hearing us out on stressors outside of the bedroom, and feeling secure and heard and loved. Making sure she feels pleasured and satisfied then having these conversations with tactful wording after can be the best way to bring this up. Caitlyn V on YouTube and her website has stuff on this.
I’m so sorry. That’s awful.
You literally posted about the fact you’re obsessively fantasising about her two weeks later dude.
Why don’t you stop defending OP’s husband relentlessly, listen to what people are saying to you and go self reflect.
Your and his mental health is not an excuse to display creepy and stalker is behaviour towards innocent women. And it’s definitely not an excuse to emotionally abuse and lie to your wife of 20 years.
You're the only one that's reading it that way, though. Their comment wasn't implying that sex workers cannot be professionals. At all. It was saying that OP deserves to be treated like a professional, and as we all know, OP is a physical trainer, so using context clues we can all tell that they meant OP deserves to be treated like a professional physical trainer. If what you're saying is true, then the comment would be implying that lawyers can't be professional either since they weren't explicitly stated, but you're not taking offense there, so.. it's clear enough.
I can understand the confusion on the wording, but that's just not what was meant. I think you're taking previous discrimination against sex workers and copy/pasting it into this comment thread, even though there isn't any discrimination happening here.
Do not contact her. My mother in law is a hardcore drug user and she always says she needs peoples help, but what crackheads view as help is them mooching off of you and you taking care of them so they can do drugs without worrying about where to crash. If you do say anything to her, say you’d love to talk after she sobers up for a year. Clean your house, like scrub the walls and get that shit out
Exactly what I was thinking
Ok thanks for helping me out I will see if I can use some of those options I will also stop with the porn I think it is doing more harm than good
I think its because you believe that is him just trying because that is not actually him, you should probably (imo) talk to him once more and tell him you were mistaken in what you wanted of him and that you love (list of things you dont mind or-and actually like from him efforts) but that this way of relating with you is making you not feel as you expected to
Let this be the last time you do shopping for her whether she pays you back or not.
He keeps apologising after the fact though?
Sorry I don't assume malice in a victim of sexual violence who peed himself.
You need to admit to yourself that you want this apartment for yourself.
Stop using children rhetoric- your greed is palpable.
You might want to really start reflecting on what your values are and what is more important to you- a building or a person.
100% this. These other comments are wild
Thanks for that, for whatever reason I'm just a bit in my head about it tonight.
You sound so toxic and unhealthy and any relationship can only last so long like this…
You would really benefit from therapy.
No she doesnt do that. And with the shoe thing she told me that doesnt make sense to speculate if she would be hurt or not for some reason. Ty for the insight
You don’t get to decide that for other people though.
don't do this. meeting him will only open doors that don't need to be open for a married woman. ask him to do you a solid and never reach out to you again, as that chapter of your life is over. then make some time to spend with just you and your sweet innocent husband, and do as married couples do.
You really need to think about this and understand what is happening.
His sister is not the problem, your boyfriend is. He is unwilling to avoid his ex and he is unwilling to talk with his sister about it. He is sending you a very clear message and you're trying to find a way not to hear it.
Are you serious? I'm obviously not happy about it, but ending a relationship of 7 years because of one lap dance seems a bit extreme.
I immediately thought of art studio guy.
Both of you should have bigger fish to fry than this petty shit. I had to double check your ages while reading this post. You sound like teenagers.
You see the blinds are messed up? Fix them. Instead it built up into such an issue that you feel like you can't even mention the blinds in any way to your gf because her friend is there? That makes no sense. You can't say “hey gf, what happened to the blinds?” or “hey gf, I fixed the blinds that got messed up when you opened the curtains.”
Then you both double down, get other people involved over bent blinds and act the fools.
Sure, send that text message. Keep this issue going. Keep a non-issue going for the rest of the week. Make sure to act pissy too so you can blow this up even more. Makes sense.
I immediately thought of art studio guy.
Emails are not the same as push notifications
I can understand the silica gel part but the rest of your habit, afraid I agree with your …ex? Taking so much sugar isn't healthy too, too much salt too. Sorry, I don't think you two mesh.
Another shitty AI post.
How much or how little is he involved with the new baby?
Thank you for sharing your experience, but I have exactly one issue right now.
Me and her group play VERY different games and I think some time ago I told her that I don't like competitive games, I don't think she would ever “bring me” to the group to play after that as she knows my taste for games hahaha, and now if I suddenly asked her to join in, it would be weird and just “What?”
But I appreciate it, if she suddenly invited me, I'll immediately accept.
I think there are bigger problems in your relationship that you are either unaware of or chose not to post here. This wasn't just about your girlfriend getting black or drunk and calling you a loser. This started with your girlfriend not wanting to celebrate with you at all, telling you it isn't a big deal, not wanting to spend time with you the whole day.
Honest take is that she's checked out of the relationship at this point, then the anniversary comes up, it's supposed to be a big deal, she realizes that she doesn't care and then is just angry all day that she has to pretend to care about something she doesn't care about, then proceeded to make you a miserable as possible. Likely either she's already moved in to someone else, or she's just planning on breaking up with you. Either way, you need to have a sit down with her when she sobers up and find out if she's even still happy in your relationship, because it doesn't sound like she is.
Do you have a toxic marriage that you stay in. That’s enough reason to leave anyway but yes, his behaviors inappropriate and cringe he at least. And I’m sure he has a thing for the mom or whoever is texting over there leave him.
Someone telling you they're trying to make you jealous isn't a red flag, that's a fucking deal breaker.
is this normal to feel?
I am confused… how do you split bills? Did you pay less because of school and now that you aren’t in school anymore you decided to splurge instead of revisiting how much you contribute financially? Or is it 50/50 for shared bills and kids and you each have your own individual expenses and now you have extra spending money because you got finished paying a debt? If it’s the first one, that’s selfish… bc he has been paying more for so long and he might want some wiggle room or splurge money as well. If it’s the second where both has been paying their own and contributing equally then he has no reason to demand anything. He should discuss whether you’re willing to budget money in order to buy a house. He should be discussing whether both your names will be on the home. He should be discussing where the two of you want to live, how big of a house, how much you’re both expected to pay, etc… Protect yourself, your finances, your well-being, and your future…
So… to rephrase that questions. What could I do to make that situationship work?
You have every right to be insecure. He relied on lies to make you feel secure with his “friendship”, but now that the lies have been unravelled, you’re left with a liar and the woman he was lying to you about. If he’s blaming your insecurities on you, that’s just disgusting. I’m not sure I’d want to continue with this behavior. How are you to trust him?
I need to know. He taste nasty i can tell
So you want to look at a lifetime of mental and emotional anguish and you want to to do it with a smile on your face?
All in the hopes that one day she'll wake up and want to just be with you and only you?
Yeah good luck with that.
Tell you what. To save yourself a heap of time and hassle down the track, find yourself a great therapist to help you deal with the depression when it hits you over the shitty life your love for her has gotten you into.
Future you will thank present you for having the foresight.
Funny story.. my husband was kinda the same.. goofy and irresponsible. I finally had it with him being irresponsible. He changed his ways, but he’s no longer as goofy. But that’s the trade off. He grew up. I let him know everyday how much I love and appreciate him. I do everything I can think of to let him know that he’s the most important person in my life. And we still have our goofy moments but not as often.
He must be miserable being married to you my god.
So youre abusive predatory bf raped you.
You go to the police and press charges and file for a restraining order and block him everywhere
You do have a source of platonic affection, in your child. I am not talking about people who are victims of abuse in any of my comments or who have any kind of aversion to contact with other people.
He doesn’t like your androgynous look and wants you to appear within the binary (whether woman or man)
I could try bringing a proposal like this to him, but ultimately I want to never deal with this again. It makes me nauseous and makes my skin crawl. I am so put off by it that it makes me want to be anywhere else but around him until I can process my emotions/thoughts on it and return to a neutral state of mind.
It's so cringe how people think 21 is a child and 28 is somehow a grown ass middle aged man to the point y'all are actively trying to make it sound creepy “fresh out of highschool girl dating a 30 year old mann!” Yes 7 years is a big difference, but it isn't that big. 7 years isn't a lot of time in the grand scheme of things. People don't have the exact same life experience at 21 or 28.
Anyway, if she prefers to talk online then you two are just not compatible. You haven't been together for long so just let it go.
I think this is a really tough issue for you and I sympathize.
I think there were a couple mistakes made along the way here that led to this point. First, you decided to get back with her after her infidelity. It absolutely must be difficult for her due to abuse she suffered as a child, but it is not your fault or your responsibility to be the person to deal with the repercussions while she learns to move forward from her abuse. You’ve made some very selfless decisions that you did not need to make at a fairly young age. I think that’s admirable in ways, but sometimes you should be a little selfish. With that said, you obviously are not able to go back and change your previous decisions and neither is she.
I think at this point you need to think about yourself and only yourself. Your girlfriend’s struggles are not your responsibility. Your only responsibility to her is that of a human being, which is to treat her with basic kindness and respect. You don’t need to stay with her to be kind or respectful to her as a human being.
You mentioned that you’ve been trying to look at the situation from an unbiased viewpoint. Why? This is your situation, your life, and your future. The only person who can properly judge your relationship is you. You can be biased with your own life. You know how good she makes you feel, you know how bad she makes you feel. I think your worry about being biased speaks to just how much you need to really step back from her and think about what you want, unrelated to her, or anyone else’s feelings.
I suggest evaluating your relationship in a couple different ways. Firstly, can you see yourself growing old and living the rest of your days with this person? Can you see yourself being happy? Or perhaps, apathetic? Or even disappointed? If it’s apathy, disappointment, or any negative emotion, I think this should be your first big sign to move on from her.
Next, try writing down a pros/cons list. It sounds stupid at first, but I know quite a few people who this has been useful for. Write down everything that you like about being with her and everything you dislike. I’d obviously add the constant questioning/insecurity you have every couple of months onto the cons, as well as the lack of sparkle. Make sure to add anything else of note, even if it’s like “her friends treat me horribly”, “she gives me company”, or “I’m attached to her”. Then write down a pros/cons list of separating from her. If you don’t know how she’ll react if you were to break up—like if you’d continue to be friends or not—then make two scenarios. One where she’s still your friend but you’ve broken up and one where she isn’t your friend anymore. This is less to make you pick whichever option has the least cons or most pros, and more so to help you easily evaluate everything and have it sit out in front of you.
Lastly, think about how much time you’ve already spent in this relationship. Don’t get stuck on the sunk cost fallacy, instead get stuck on: “If I’m not fully content in this relationship, then do I want to waste more of my life on entertaining a relationship with a woman a don’t truly want to be with?” Essentially, you’ve already spent 11 years with this woman (except for the period of time when you were broken up). As you’ll eventually get into your 40s and 50s, it can get a little bit more difficult to date someone who doesn’t already have baggage or children (which you said you didn’t want). Do you really want to spend the rest of your 20s and 30s being with her just to realize you truly don’t want to spend forever with her?
And even thinking with her in mind: do you really want to drag her along for longer before you inevitably break up with her? I think this us even more important considering she said she wanted kids. Although women can have them all the way up to menopause, it becomes increasingly more difficult and riskier with age. She deserves to be let go now so she can find someone who matches with her. Wanting/not wanting kids is a massive incompatibility and it’s absolutely possible she’ll end up regretful and spiteful if you do stay together and she’s unable to ever have children.
If you truly feel that you want to spend forever with her, you find her qualities amazing, you can’t imagine yourself ever truly wanting to break up with her, and you’re willing to have children with her, then go for it. Keep pushing through, keep working on therapy, and keep working on the relationship. But if you don’t feel confident on it, I think it really is time to let go. There comes a point in relationships where you can’t just work on problems endlessly and the problem is just an incompatibility. I think her history (even if it was due to abuse and even if she’s regretful) of infidelity, her desire for children, and your frequent questioning are all massive incompatibilities you need to stop overlooking.
I wish you luck, seriously. It can feel tough to get out of relationships like that, especially considering you both have been together for the majority of your adulthood. Relationships don’t need to be that way. You deserve better.
Well honestly yeah you are right i didn't think of that. So it's on OP. Seems like she just wants a kid tho not a relationship. But the thing is now you have some dude that doesn't want to be part of tht kids life if it does happen because they are idiotic to actually have unprotected sex. Or a dad that's not really there for love but obligation because they didn't get to know the other person at all before boom BABY!!
Like you are gonna have to answer this shit to ur kids. OP needs to think this shit through properly. If he ain't ready for kids to come. He should just end the relationship.
Growing up without a dad sucks. Growing up with a shitty dad sucks even more.
I have informed the colleague and he was very much devastated but it was necessary. Hopefully, he keeps better privacy on his laptop. I know it's not a simple violation of trust and privacy rather serious and gross.