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ALL GOALS MET [Multi Goal]
Date: November 25, 2022
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ALL GOALS MET [Multi Goal]
Often I need time to think about if I can / should move forward with the relationship. I’d rather take time and make a purposeful decision. I don’t want to make a life altering decision based on hurt or anger.
I find conversations are more productive if both parties have taken a few hours to independently consider their positions and come back to discuss when emotions have calmed down.
Valid reason to break up
This could be a blessing in disguise.
I actually plan on getting an apt for myself but I have full intentions on moving a few into his place of choice when we officially are married. I need a security net to know if things don't work out, I'll always have my safe haven. I also have other personal reasons to own a separate place such as family visiting etc.
You might see this pessimistically but I think of it as realistically. A good example is like putting car insurance, we all don't want to crash but you never know what could happen.
Take this time to plan for yourself because you need to put yourself first before others.
“So if you're a guy reading this, please show yourself and your opinion.”
No.
Stop trying to get any acknowledgment, validation, or closure from a lying cheater. Seeing men's opinions will not, in any way, lead to him telling you the truth or stopping the gaslighting. Don't play his game.
does musk smell bad
This is a really uplifting post but unfortunately, doesn’t meet the criteria for this subreddit. I’m not sure where a better place for your post would be but you can look around in different subs and read their community guidelines to find the best place your post would fit.
Hopefully she aborts or miscarries so you can leave and have absolutely no ties keeping you bound to this terrible, terrible person.
Young lady go live your life. Your boyfriend is bugging. He is using one of the oldest tricks in the game. What if something happens to you lol, tell him something can happen on your way to work, school hell the grocery store. He is not it.
This literally happened to my friend and her (at-the-time) fiance, and they're both Indian so it's not necessarily even racial. They dated for two years, he went home to Bombay to visit his grandparents and came back married to someone else. My understanding is they essentially threatened to disown him and cut him out of all inheritance if he didn't agree to marry someone from India because they didn't trust him marrying an American girl (despite her being Indian as well).
Don't know if I have any good advice for you, except what I told her also myself being part-Indian – there's nothing anyone could say to me that would make me do something so shitty to the person I loved, so if he's going to go through with it, he doesn't really love you and you can do better.
Brother made it into the sleepover ?
They’ve known excited for a year but starting dating out the fall it seems so only a few months
Yeah I'd be iffie on that whole deal myself if they were already friends when yall met it would be different but along with the pics and the other stuff you are not comfortable with its understandable
You could consider a female/internal condom.
Is she on time for work?
If he was really concerned for your health he would want you on your medication.
The only thing I can say in hubby’s defense is he now has to go to his buddies and admit he can’t go because he wife doesn’t like it. That will open him up to some razzing.
Otherwise I think you were being reasonable. It’s kind of a lame place to go for a grown ass man unless it’s a bachelor party or if one of his friend’s little brother turned 21 or something. But “it’s Saturday let’s see some painted boobs?” Meh.
Of course you can. In fact, that’s pretty much the only real leverage you have over her. You’re an adult. Make it clear that you expect to be treated like one. But it’s true you can do it in a less confrontational way.
“Mom, you raised me my whole life, and you did a great job. I always felt loved. You have worked so hard, and made sacrifices that allowed me to become the adult I am today, and I can’t begin to tell you how much I appreciate it. I know that you want what’s best for me. I know that you’re afraid of me making mistakes. But I AM an adult now. When you accuse me and threaten me and guilt-trip me, it makes me resent you, and I don’t want to feel that way about my mother. I want to know that my mother supports me in whatever reasonable decisions I make. I want a mother that understands I need to learn things myself now, to make my own mistakes and grow from them. I know that you just want to protect me, because that’s what you’ve done my whole life, but it’s time for you to let me live my own life now. I have a need for autonomy, to make my own decisions, and to know that my family still supports me. If I feel like you can’t support me, then it’s just going to make me disengage from you and want to spend less time with you and not tell you about the important things going on in my life. Do you understand how I feel, mom?”
And then turn that into a conversation. Do NOT yell at her. Do NOT let her yell at you. Calmly say: “Mom, I’m not yelling at you. Please don’t yell at me. I’m not a child.” But you need to learn to stand firm here. If she still doesn’t come around, then you’re going to be spending less time around her, less time talking to her.
came to reddit to ask random people why someone we don't even know does what they do?
I'm trying to figure out how asking how someone's brain works fits into asking for advice on a relationship.
That's quite literally the whole point of this sub. According to your logic, why does anybody post anything here then?
So had some dates in Dec and now he's YOUR guy? Was this agreed upon? It's not unusual for people to have dates with others until they agree to be exclusive with one. Unless you had that agreement you and your friend are WAY out of line. He still has his profile active so I'd say he hadn't committed to you yet. You're too old to be playing highschool games. Leave him be and let this be a lesson
Ummm…..
yeah…
she means sex free with you, but not sex free for her.
You're too young to play games with kids like this. Kick her to the curb and go find someone not cheating on you.
Just fuck his dad he will soon get over his old friend issues
Are you embarrassed and uncomfortable, or just plain hurt? It would be a shame to end what was clearly a relationship you valued over a misstep. You now know threesomes with dudes aren’t the one. Hopefully the guy you chose you won’t ever see again. So maybe take the time to hash it out with your girlfriend. Yea it will feel awkward and embarrassing. But it’s not really. You tried it, you weren’t into it. You never have to do it again. You can draw a line under it but you have to first decide that’s what you want to do if you think your relationship is worth saving. Then it may take time, but it most certainly will require processing and talking with the girl.
Also tell your family you will make decisions without their input.
At the very least they’re not going to let him run with the money. He must be deeply afraid of what’s coming of what you said about unregistered weapons is true.
Don’t stop calling until someone sympathetic takes your call.
He totally raped you. If he tries that shit again, give him a really hard throat punch when he isn't expecting it!
That is honestly the worst part of this. He is dating and fucking a 21 yr old that he watched grow up…. As a 39 yr old man.
Thanks lol
If that were me, and my husbands friend did that, I don't care if it's my friend as well, we are done with him. Have you been sent these pictures by her? Something seems up, I would feel humiliated and wouldn't want to see the friend.
I met my wife when I was 27. I'd been single for years at that point. I felt like it was hopeless.
I know you'll find someone. Don't lose hope. And don't worry too much about age, if a relationship works, it works.
Really hardcore drugs and very intense sex. Sometimes at the same time. Escape every responsibility I have in life and fuck all the way off to parties for 3 days. Sometimes the parties start on a Tuesday. I can be in different cities, surrounded by the most unlikely of company. A few weeks ago I was in a flat in a city 3 hours from home surrounded in really really sexy Thai women and one other white guy (who I knew). No sex that day, unlucky, but it was surreal.
Fuck life off completely sometimes and disappear, do what you love. Whatever that is. Find your happy and thrive ?
I would say that her obsession with it and his hang up with it, are equal.
He didn’t want to say that he met someone else as the reason for the break up. He cowardly chose to bring up things from the past & used that instead.
Move on & don’t wait for him to change his mind about the break up.
flip it around and get mad at her for harboring such shitty thoughts about you that they manifest themselves as dreams.
I personally think she’s been irrational and is failing to see that we both have to compromise in order to have a wedding where both our families can attend.
All I’ve been asking is she just accepts doing it in July.
Here's the thing… If she “just accepts doing it in July”, I am clear on how she is compromising & what she is giving up. But I am not clear on what YOU are giving up, or compromising on here.
It will be too hot for her, which means that she is likely going to spend her day super uncomfortable. Do you have any idea what goes into a bride getting ready? She will probably won't sleep much, then she will have to be up at the crack of dawn for hair & makeup. If she is lucky, she might get a coffee & snack for breakfast. She will then be stuck in the heat in a dress that is made from super thick fabric that doesn't breathe, and is super heavy, so tiring to wear. She is probably going to spend a small fortune on hair & makeup (MUAs/Hairdressers charge hundreds of dollars) – in the heat her hair will fall & her makeup will start to slide off. Most brides don't get to eat a proper meal until dinner (if at all), so they end up dehydrated, hungry, lightheaded & with a headache.
She told you that July is too expensive for her family and friends, so that means if she “just accepts doing it in July” like you want her to, then many of her family & friends won't be able to make it (which is the same reason you have used to rule out all of 2025).
She has also told you that she doesn't want July because it will be too busy with tourists. So that is going to impact her ability to enjoy herself.
She agreed to move it to June 2026 which is a compromise on her part, since she is delaying it by a year which she didn't want, and it allows both families & friends time to save, and maximises how many people can come, but YOU vetoed it, because one week isn't long enough for YOUR family, ignoring the fact that it means her family & friends can afford it.
She agreed to move it forward to 2024, a compromise that would have increased her stress as she goes from having 2 years to plan the wedding to 1 year, but YOU shot it down as being too soon.
She is right OP – she has offered several compromises here but you have shot them all down because they don't suit your family.
Oh he KNEW it's the worst…he's vindictive because likes to go out dancing. How petty and immature. That Brazilian was ALL about him and his passive aggressive behavior. OP, admit you messed up by moving with this immature boy and move back home. He's gone through your $,you're in a job u don't like that stresses you out because of him and he's snarky asf. There are better fish in the sea. This guy acts like he's 20, wtf. You deserve better. Move past the gaslighting and do what's best for you.
What the hell did i just read…
What the hell did i just read…
Same here, I was stuck at home for a month or two before my apartment lease started and it was painful
Doesn’t matter what other people think. If you’re only comfortable after 11 dates, then that’s what you’re comfortable with. If the people you date don’t wanna respect that boundary, then you didn’t want to be with them anyway ??♀️
My wife was the same way. Right now I don't use my pillow much. I only use it when she doesn't feel like cuddling. Seems like a fair compromise
Thank you very much for your perspective and experience on this topic. And I agree 100% with you. There's this stigma around people that don't follow a religion, and I've heard it during mass, that they are lost and i just can't with that statement. It makes no sense and it's so derogatory.
You are not his piggy bank or his babysitter. And he is not your problem to fix.
I think you should just move out. Sublet if you need to.
I’m curious as to what things he will let you have a difference of opinions on…
You could go to therapy and get these delusions figured out
I'll give it a shot.
Knowing how she is however, she is likely to respond with just ending the relationship. She's been so convinced things wouldn't work out that she's quick to jump to giving up to avoid being hurt. Our relationship is the longest one either of us have been in. Any other she's had hasn't lasted more than maybe 6 months.
A little tid bit to help explain things a little better, we both have BPD. It is common in people who had traumatic upbringing (her), and in survivors of a narcissistic parent (myself). We are both also recovering addicts. Different substances. My thing was opiates. Hers was alcohol. She's also got one hell of an explosive temper. (She's made huge leaps and bounds in the past couple of years at controlling her temper, though.)
Basically we're one big shitshow that has managed to build a relationship and survive for nearly 8yrs together.
Dude, get off your high horse. I'm a woman in tech, I live with sexism everyday. But thanks for explaining to me that men and women should be seen as equal. Such a novel idea for my lady brain.
You're being a condescending ass
They arrive the afternoon of my birthday (Friday) and leave Sunday night
Yea, I don’t really care too much. Just found it odd
Why the hell can’t he bring his wife on a combo pre wedding party when the groom and the bride will be there….
I won’t even go to a Saints Game without my wife
i completely get that when we are awake, but what is there to enjoy when we are both asleep? i guess i just wonder if there is more to it, be that feelings or whatever else.
Cool. Doesn’t change the fact that he’s giving her the wrong signs and leading her on with the late night visits and emotional support.
Sure, he’s doing because he’s stupid, and not because he’s cheating. But does that really make it okay to you?
Thanks for the wising bro
Sounds like you her plan B or safety net; and I I hate to say it but maybe not that attracted to you. So many stories on Reddit similar to yours and when the guy marries the girl being intimate with her is more of a chore and nothing passionate. I would seriously reconsider your relationship with her. Cause like I said from what you have stated you look like the guy she settling for. Good luck, do what’s best for yourself! ✌?
I think you're a troll.
What side of the fence would u say I landed on? Because in my mind i’m still unclear about where I stand.
Just curious, but since you don't mind oral interactions with the fleshlight, is only putting the head in your mouth an option? If so, there are good stroker toys that allow the head to be uncovered. You're totally NTA, regardless. Guys don't “need” oral.
Watching porn is VERY different from directly interacting with sex workers or trying to via commenting on their content
Sounds time for another conversation
Rule of thumb: if it bothers you, it's worth bringing up
She is trying to tell you that she has found her true calling in life. Women like that belong on the streets and the ball is now in your court to help her make this happen.
Yeah….I don’t think it’s necessarily automatic that he would come in and check on you. Like if I’m throwing up I don’t really want my husband to check on me, if I need his help I’ll call out but otherwise I’d rather just not face the embarrassment of sweating and puking in front of him. Not saying your expectations were wrong or unreasonable, just that he also wasn’t being unreasonable for not coming in to check on you as he had no way of knowing that was what you wanted.
You have done MORE than enough to accommodate.
Stop sucking dick
It’s not your thing, it’s never gonna be your thing, and you don’t need to suck dick.
Get rid of anyone in your life who can’t respect that.
Yeah I would take your new maturity for a test run with someone else
Sounds like this girl now makes you uncomfortable
I know it's suspicous. I got so mad when he did it right in front of me, I knew it would me hard to make the effort to trust him about it (I'm trying cause I love him)
There’s no maybe about it. You need to draw a line in the sand now. Do not tolerate that. Ever.
Sorry, I don't Reddit very much. A better way to edit would be to strikethrough and put an edit: at the end?
I hope you're feeling this angry and betrayed at your dude bros too, not just your girlfriend. Especially when you mention that she was very drunk and wouldn't have done this sober. If they were really your friends they would not let her start taking her clothes off, let alone encourage it and put their hands on her.
Talk to a lawyer before her.
Well with your height you have unhealthy weight. Not nice thing to say but it would be better for you to go ona fitness journey then stay like this or gain more weight.
Cheating is individual to each relationship. If you feel like he cheated, then he did. Just like if you did something he felt was cheating, then it would be cheating. You need to agree with each other and set up what each of you considers cheating.
I would consider this cheating in my relationship because he entertained a flirty conversion with another woman, set up a rendezvous to have sex, after exchanging or accepting a topless photo. It's good that he didn't do it, but I'd still feel cheated on.
If he’s talking crap about you to her it’s over. There’s no coming back from that level of disrespect. You can do better
I absolutely can? I can call both wrong too and see one as less wrong than the other. We don’t live in a world where every action is devoid of context. One lie was a white lie of omission with nothing actually resulting from it assuming it doesnt happen again (and OP recognizes it was wrong in the post), while the other lie was more malicious and directly affects OP’s relationship with several people by vilifying them and trying to make him see them as worse than they are. That’s manipulative as hell.
If this is a serious relationship you're trying to make into a life partnership you'd both benefit from some time with a couples' counselor. All couples have disagreements but learning how to communicate through them without every argument turning into a battle is a gift you can give yourselves.
It’s probably not just about the play or the trip— if there are things you don’t want to do like the play, you have to constantly reassure your partner that they are wanted and needed.
I suck with these things too, and went through something like this recently— the point is that every day you are supposed to be reassuring your partner in little ways that you are thinking about them… the harder part is reassuring them in different ways each day so it’s not repetitive.
Sometimes it’s as small as picking up something you see at the store that your partner likes or wants to try. Sometimes it’s as large as surprise visiting them, making them dinner, and spending the night. Or sometimes it’s simply telling them about something that happened that day that made you think of them.
But the idea is you’re supposed to be doing that regularly in the relationship to keep reaffirming they are appreciated.
I AM NOT ASKING TO SEE
How could it (subjectively) look that much worse just from removing hair?? Is there downtime after waxing? Like does it bleed or cause a rash or bumps or something?
I've only seen an insult that harsh over the size/shape of lips, but the hair doesn't grow on the lips. To be completely fair I've never been with anyone who doesn't shave completely, and I don't look at anyone like that in porn either but I'm like 99% sure that the hair doesn't grow on any of the parts that are more smooth than normal skin.
The good news is that if he seriously thought he was seeing a different person, it means you'll look completely normal (normal in this context meaning you'll look how he's gotten used to seeing you) again after it grows back
Thank you for taking the time and writing this out. You’re right about me trying to change the way she (the gf) thinks.
We did have a conversation with my ex, and she seemed in distress and just asked for time to figure this out. She said we would be in each other’s lives for good, but they need to establish trust first. They’ve only been together for a few months. She also said that she wants to make sure she validates her partner’s feelings when she comes to her with something like that, and I can understand that. I just don’t know if I have the same positive outlook on timing of this whole thing. Like, how do you know it’s going to be figured out? What if in 3,6,9,12 months she’s still not comfortable with this? Then what’s the point of waiting?
We weren’t together that long, but the ironic part is I didn’t want to be exclusive. I wasn’t looking for anything that serious, but he insisted. So I caved and said fine, okay, we’re exclusive.
So if the idiot had just done what I wanted to begin with he could’ve just told me about her and it wouldn’t have been an issue ?
Nah, don’t blame myself at all. Well…maybe a tiny bit? Just because from the first time we talked I thought he was full of shit, but over time I gradually let him wear me down until I trusted him, but I should’ve gone with what my gut was telling me from the beginning.
I was SAd as a kid by my older female cousin & her friend. Then again as a teen by an older male cousin. The first time I had “sex” w a GF she took advantage and made me wear a condom and then rubbed herself on me to completion (no penetration) then quickly threw me in the floor when she heard her dad start to come in. I heard her telling him I the hallway I was trying to SA her & ran out the window. Then she told me I had to leave because she lied so she wouldn’t get in trouble further adding to my trauma. I never told anyone about any of it until my Gf now wife.
Fast forward to my GF now wife who I told everything. Then when we began having sex I would ask permission every move throughout until we were finished because I felt so guilty and scared I would go too far. She agreed to this to make me feel more comfortable. It took me a long time to be comfortable and not feel guilty or as if I did something wrong. Eventually I didn’t feel I had to ask and things got much better.
Maybe you could do that as well. Just keep asking permission anytime you change up and get a solid verbal “yes” and then continue. Ask him to do the same w you. Before he does something or changes it up etc. Just so y’all both feel comfortable and both have permission to continue. Just take it slow.
That along w therapy if available will help. This isn’t medical advice, just something that helped me get through it. I was lucky to find my wife and she was and has been wonderful knowing my past. We’ve been together 32 years now.
I’m sorry you had to go through all that. No one should. Just explain to your BF what you’re feeling and just ask if he’ll do this with you so it won’t add to your trauma. I wish you the best!
was it in an email? You could always say jokingly, “Just me, but thanks.”
And it’s frequently the first coercive tactic. Wearing someone down to get a yes is not a true consensual yes
You can’t tell by looking at him?! How did your boyfriend happen to find an IDENTICAL cat
“Obviously as a girl I checked the messages.” That’s not a girl thing, it’s an insecurity thing. That being said, he’s giving you plenty of reason to feel insecure in your relationship. You need to tell him you’re not comfortable with it and be prepared to dump him if he can’t accept that.
Tell your family, his family, and his employer. Blow his sh*t up. He's blaming you for him cheating??? What a clueless asshole! He had been quoting from the cheater's handbook. Rewrite history, and blame the victim. Wow. Just wow. I'm so sorry that your husband couldn't remain faithful. He's weak, and pathetic. At least your baby will have 1 good parent. ❤
This part of the story is a bit weird because why didn't the wife go skiing with the group? It sounds like she went down the mountain alone by her choice.
Not to mention that 9 times out of 10, men that get you into drugs will usually sell you for them once they get you hooked.
i feel like i would need concrete proof of something otherwise itll always be on my mind if she ever was or not