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Date: October 2, 2022
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Whoever gets there first opens the door for the other in my marriage. It reinforces that we each help the other, and that the burden isn’t on one person only.
While trying to communicate and find out what your gf is comfortable with, as others have suggested, spend some time figuring out what you are also comfortable with in terms of communicating about sex, and the timing of when you think sex should happen. You're allowed to have your own ideas and boundaries.
Getting over someone quickly is not really a thing. But heres some ideas to help, I guess. 1. Remember all the negative shit and how shitty you felt with him (and the abuse) 2. Get a hobby, your not missing the person, your missing the companionship and your old routine. Create a better routine that you can have on your own, keep yourself busy, focus on improving your life and mood. Good luck
This is truly a hard one. I’d say if you’re physically attracted to him, stay with him. If you’re ashamed of his appearance and you already lack the physical chemistry or desire, maybe cut it off? Either way, you know best, I think. If your gut is telling you no, it might be a no.
Not sure but I think you're making a big deal out of this.It's been 6 years,you all were 16 back then.Basically kids.How is your relationship now?have you talked to them?
You chose one relationship over the other, its not going to going to be a simple trade off. He still has every right to be upset regardless of your reason, doesn't change what happened nor how he feels. And a 10year relationship as best friends is a huge deal, you should've known better on how he would've felt about you and his sister together and the possible fallout
Are you really 20 with him being 35? I’m 28 yo dude and let me tell you, no healthy minded non creepy dude would date a girl fresh out of her teens my age let alone fucking 35. The fact he expects you to always be at his place, probably cater to him, is already weird. Guys choose them young because they want a naive person to shape into what they want.
You should be taken out on dates and treated more than just an object. Idk, you probably have rose colored glasses but i pray you take this into consideration.
I mean… It IS a health condition.
Makes sence now this is exactly what my ex is doing to me chops and changes and wonders why I have the trust issues to stubborn to see. Yet if it was so help me God everyone take cover.. do what your hearts telling you to do this isto complicated. Just be friends with both
Dude you are under no obligation to raise this child if it isn't yours. She made her bed, let her sleep in it. Get out while you still can.
This
I wouldn't say anything. Let them ponder on it and you and your husband can laugh
Sounds like your boyfriend needs to he an ex
I agree. I thought I was ready when we began the relationship and she fell in love with my soft heart and empathy. The course of interactions and personal changes has left me not feeling that way. Though I am still very kind and empathetic to everyone, the emotion and connection I had to her faded, no matter how I tried to reconnect on that level. Though the past trauma I worked through has healed, I still feel I am not ready for a relationship until I have further dove into the various issues of my inner child that need recognition.
By “life has gotten in the way”, he means his life with you and your children. I can't imagine how hurtful that must be but you have to believe him if that's how he feels and move on. You shouldn't have to settle for being the second choice, especially after he's been dishonest with you for nine years!!
Always remind yourself that you didn't love your ex how he actually is, but who you thought he was. The parts of him he did show you are not who he is, and who he is is not who you love. Or would you love a known cheater, liar and backstabber?
It sounds like your husband is fat phobic and body shaming which leads me to believe he’s the one who’s insecure about their body and image.
I am very much like this. I don’t like to share MY food either. I don’t like when my husband eats off my plate. Guess what? He understands and stopped doing it. He respects MY boundaries. Way before we even married. I have problems with eating, and he understands that. It makes me sad looking in the comments and seeing that people think you are the problem. You are NOT, and someone will treat you the way you deserve if they’re right. The fact he even did this on your birthday, there would be no forgiveness left in my heart. Boundaries are in place for this reason.. I don’t think therapy is going to fix these kinds of issues.
i’m very real ☝?☹️
Everything you did was reasonable, gave her a chance with conditions while she tried to manipulate you by saying you were controlling. You’re just following through with consequences which she obviously doesn’t care for. She won’t mind if you end the marriage, if she did she wouldn’t have cheating twice knowing you were aware.
I would say I am not an alpha female I am just intolerant of men being emotionally abusive towards my mother. I would also stay as long as possible and start documentation of this guys behaviour. My mom dated a guy like this lucky for me my dad had a vested interest in his children not growing up thinking this was acceptable behaviour.
I am betting that you flirted a little with the old FWB coworker and they screenshotted it and sent to your ex BF
Id block him, change the locks and forget about him.
You said her behaviour had changed, none of that is a change in behaviour besides going out.
Again she’s allowed to set her own boundaries, yes they are crazy and toxic but he should have broken up with her. He has the choice to do the same now, or to go out if he wants.
Most people will go through many such failed flirtations in youth. It's just really hard to pin someone down when they themselves have no idea what they want out of life (and in most cases won't for at least another six or seven years). It's not unusual for teenagers to be a little all over the place emotionally. It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. Just that she likes to flirt and isn't yet ready to be in any real kind of relationship.
wont be able to meet her until May or June. Will exhaust work vacation days for trips I booked before meeting her.
wont be able to meet her until May or June. Will exhaust work vacation days for trips I booked before meeting her.
He wouldn't last that long. She's got 2 years till she 'looks' 26. * He's sooo nice for making an exception for her though!*
Okay. I think I needed to hear this and I pretty much agree. No plans to complicate their budding relationship. Thank you!
Updateme! 5 days
Who’s gonna tell her?
Why are you with this piece of literal human shit? He told you he wanted to fuck his ex to spite you.
He likely is fucking people other than you.
No, this is manipulative behaviour from her, and she phrased the question for a yes to long term plans, not for an immediate engagement, and then did nothing to confirm with him.
She knew he wouldn't fight her on it and would be passive, so she is using that to her advantage to push for what she wants. She most certainly is manipulating him, and you are certainly incorrect in claiming she “clearly communicated”, when she did the opposite on purpose.
I like to have sweet and sour sauce with my chicken nuggies too, but I would never react like this if they forgot it. I'd just eat the nuggets and be grateful I had food.
Your girlfriend's got issues and she's abusive. It's definitely best for you to find somewhere to stay as soon as you can and get out.
My fiancé was a virgin when we met, and he was a year older than you. He was open and honest about it. Because of our honesty, our sex life started with open communication, which helped us both learn what the other likes. We didn't go in expecting that there would be mind blowing sex right off the bat, so it ended up being mind blowing. If he would have lied and pretended to have experience, it would have been obvious and it would have ended up being awkward. And we probably wouldn't be about to get married.
Honesty is so much more important than sexual experience. Most women I know would rather their partners be honest and vulnerable rather than aloof and fake.
Therapy for your wife and I would block “Mary” on all platforms so she doesn’t have access to you and encourage your wife to establish some boundaries.
There are a few things you need to consider prior to breaking it off.
First, do you feel like you want to be with your current girlfriend or do you feel obligated to stay? From the sound of it, you feel obligated and would rather stay and keep the semi-friendship you have going on than lose that.
Secondly, is the Turk girl planning on staying or would you be willing to go with her? If you want to risk a good relationship with someone else you should probably have some idea of the logistics behind it. The Turk girl may not stay, and you may have the same issues as before. Are you able to handle two possible breakups? Is it worth it?
Thirdly, do you have the means to move out? It seems like you do and is afraid of doing so.
Fourth, it seems like your communication with your current girlfriend isn't quite where it should be. From the beginning of your relationship, you felt obligated to live with her to keep the relationship going. Is this something you've mentioned to her before? This lack of communication may be a reason that she's not the girl for you. It seems you can't be honest with her.
Looking at how I see the situation, based on what you wrote, I would say to stay single. It seems like you are not ready to commit to the Turk girl, but you don't like your current girlfriend enough to be with her. No one should settle in this situation.
While I think it's really rude to leave your mum outside especially when you've already been out and spoken to her (plus she knocked before coming in so she didn't really barge in). I have to question your wife's relationship with your mum because if your wife feels so insecure not to have her hair and make up done around your mum, or have anxiety if the house isn't tidy – is your mum critical of these things on a general basis?
Yeah, you’re probably right. Although my guess is (and I’m only guessing here) that they are tired of being hassled and are running out of excuses.
If you’re hiding your partner from your friends because you’re afraid he’ll be offensive, that’s a sign that you shouldn’t be together. Imagine if the roles were reversed and he didn’t want his family or friends to meet you because you might embarrass him or offend his loved ones? That’s shitty for both of you and isolates you from your friends.
Bottom line is that you hold different values and are incompatible. You should break things off before marriage so that you both can find partners who align with your respective beliefs.
Some advice I got long ago was this:
Would you be proud to have a son that grew up to be exactly like him?
When you marry and have children with someone, your kids will very likely be similar to your spouse because they have half of your spouse’s DNA, and your spouse is their role model. They will grow up wanting to be their dad and take his words and actions as a roadmap for how to be as an adult. If you’d be embarrassed/ashamed to have raised a son who grew up to be like your partner, you shouldn’t marry and have children with him.
Op… This difference in age gap really likely won't be that big of an issue.
Your bf will likely think it's werid as fuck .. but do you generally find inappropriate anxiety stepping into your brain? Or do you avoid many big uncomfortable feelings and superficially smile away or smooth over triggers that otherwise might cause your anxiety to skyrocket?
Likely – you do.
Or you wouldn't be in this situation right now.
You're not wrong or bad for this – and tbh… Your bf likely knows this about you to some extent – so weird as it is – he likely will think your explanation “odd, but that tracks!”
Really, it likely will not be anywhere near as terrible an outcome as you are assuming.
That said – your default to catastrophising things and being a prisoner to small anxiety triggers – must be fucking exhausting to live in your head with!!
You and your brain deserve some grace and some peace, op.
For your sake, please consider some supportive, curious kind therapy to unpack this quirk overreaction of your brain. In therapy you can learn strategies and skills to mitigate your anxiety holding you prisoner for such a likely minor reason, again.
I think your bf will likely be more concerned than pissed. You deserve good mental health op. Dont let chronic and misplaced anxiety drive your life. 🙂
I’m gonna get myself banned if I actually comment on this. All I will say is it’s great that this is a throwaway because even after your edit (holy shit, the only remotely mature thing in your entire post, coming from the 34 year old self obsessed child that thinks “he’s been through enough,” is your edit) I think it’s awful that you’re an LCSW and people are supposed to come to you for help. You can’t even think of others when it comes to your own family and if it wasn’t a throwaway I honestly hope someone would make sure your employers and coworkers are aware of the kind of person you are
This behavior and mindset is sickening and it’s really worrying that someone like you is supposed to be providing help for those struggling mentally and emotionally 🙁
I’m not sure then. I never got the desire to masturbate when I have a beautiful willing woman. Sorry, I don’t have an idea
Do you ask her respectfully to do chores? Or does she do things without requiring you to speak softly and say please?
If I’m able to cook because of time and so that my family eats then I’ll do it. My mother always cooked for my father. I feel like as a woman that’s what you should do for your husband. No one necessarily told me to do that. It’s just how I operate. I would be upset if I had to come home from work at 5:30pm having to cook my food while someone was home all morning. I can deal with the cooking and that isn’t a problem for me. It’s the other duties.
Sounds like you just don't have the money required to go on vacation to tourist hotspots so you assume people go to normal towns in Mexico to eat junk food.
She has already decided to not stay with you by cheating. There nothing else to talk about with her. You will never trust her in the future and you shouldn’t trust her now.
Go see a lawyer and get this done. Get to a good therapist too. It’s going to be ok. You will be ok.
Obviously she can’t. I guess since we won’t have a single thing in common outside of that and will clearly hate each other we should just go out separate ways ?
Will talk to him. The problem is I think you can make chats disspear but anyway, we'll see. Thank you!
i am safe as of now since he is sleeping
He was asleep before he threw you so the fact that he’s asleep now is not an indication of you being safe
Hints are for children, conversations are for adults.
No need to go. If you feel you have to, then take your husband
I see… I realize I made a mistake.
Thanks for the advice.
No, that’s not what you do ??♀️
Op, she’s emotionally immature that she had a TANTRUM over a BODY PILLOW.
You know who doesn’t do that???
People who are MATURE!
I think you two rushed into marriage tbh if this is how insecure she is about a body pillow.
Any secure and stable person isn’t going to flip out about a damn pillow.
Trust me, eventually this marriage is on a slippery slope if this is the fight she’s picking instead of saving the energy for important things to fight about.
Oh, that was just a text to get back on the app. No, nobody else gets them, I must have signed up for a special program. Oh, and the condoms in my work bag, are just something I’m holding for a friend. Oh, the lady’s underwear? I thought that was yours, so I hid it in the back of my sock drawer as a prank. Gotcha!
No, that’s not what you do ??♀️
Op, she’s emotionally immature that she had a TANTRUM over a BODY PILLOW.
You know who doesn’t do that???
People who are MATURE!
I think you two rushed into marriage tbh if this is how insecure she is about a body pillow.
Any secure and stable person isn’t going to flip out about a damn pillow.
Trust me, eventually this marriage is on a slippery slope if this is the fight she’s picking instead of saving the energy for important things to fight about.
You get some therapy you learn how to handle self control.
you had a secret and exposed it you couldn’t control your drinking you couldn’t control you behaviour around her.
It doesn’t matter the relationship. You need personal accountability and self control.
You don’t have the time for a relationship. Relationships mean spending time together and doing things. Do her a favour and break up since you don’t have time for her.
So your going to go through with a wedding knowing something isn’t right, just to save face? Divorce is expensive too, and a hell of a lot more stressful than a postponed, or cancelled wedding
I see two options. You can go the serious route. Hire security, establish boundaries and let him know he’s not going to be let in if he shows up in a clown costume. Her side of the family will fight you and I wish you all the strength of you go this route. You’ll also have to be strong for your fiancé since she’s still trying to set her limits and stand up for herself.
Ot you can go the less serious route. Hire a bunch of clowns for the reception and pay them extra to rag on your BIL. BIL wants attention. He’ll get it with a ? to the ?.
Thank you for the reply, I can update with specifics to be more clear.
If I ask, he jumps up to help, absolutely. But it doesn't take the pressure off of me when it comes to the mental list. Basically, all the things that go into running a household besides cleaning.
Something is wrong somewhere if someone in their 40s (man or woman) is interested in a 20 year old, easily old enough to be the parent and completely different life stages. You’d look like the embarrassing old guy when you meet her friends and might even be older than her father. It’s kinda embarrassing and besides the completely different life stages, you’d have experienced vastly different things and have completely different mentalities, it just seems predatory
Your friend is an absolute doormat.
While I don’t agree with your husband’s ultimatum, I question you supporting your friends decision.
He didn't even have the decency to tell her to leave immediately and your asking if this is something you can work out? You should have taken a video and sent it to everyone in their families saying “were y'all aware of this?????”. Tell that cheater to get the fuck away from you permanently! What a POS!
And that deciding life experience can only be the fact that his current attitude makes him lose girlfriends, because they all break up with him.
As long as he doesn’t see the negative consequences of his behaviour, he won’t change it.
It seems like he only views you as a sexual object rather than a good friend. It’s time to end the “friendship.”
You know, cheating used to mean putting your penis in another woman's vagina… ?
Your post history is concerning. Are you sure you are mentally healthy enough for a relationship?
I am so very sorry for your loss. Thank you for all the work you do for prevention. I'm just so sorry for the reason why.
I am so very sorry for your loss. Thank you for all the work you do for prevention. I'm just so sorry for the reason why.
Your feelings are 100% understandable. I get some people keep their social media kinda private, maybe that's the case with her, but I'd still add my best friend's partner and try to be friendly with them too. You're not wrong for how you feel about it.
If you care about your relationship you cut it off ffs. I really don't get people like you at all
If you’re not comfortable with people seeing the content, don’t post it online. If you’re not comfortable with people you know seeing it, don’t openly talk about it or share any of the content with people. You’re posting it on a public place, and you need to be aware that once something is public, anybody can see it. That’s how the internet works.
At this point there’s not much you can do. If it makes you truly uncomfortable, block him and either change your Twitter handle or make a new account.
True, but she's being unreasonable. You can't expect someone who is separated to be 100% positive that they're going to be together forever, otherwise they wouldn't be separated. Real Life is not a Disney movie!
Of course you're not committed to the relationship. You just did a whole post about “wellll we are separated and blah blah blah”.
None of this sounds compatible, truthfully. Irreconcilable differences yet trying to get back together, not on the same page in terms of kids, expecting crazily permanent demands of each other. Sorry if that is not helpful to hear but that is how the above all sounds.
In the way that she doesn't want sex but also she doesn't communicate with him or break up with him. She just wants him there!!!! The trauma of consent doesn't come from nowhere. No they haven't proven anything at all!!! And there are people that also agree with what I say they just get downvoted. But I clearly don't care about validation from them like the small you need to feel okay with yourself!!! If you can't have a discussion that is your own problem no one's else's!!! I don't let internet to make me happy or unhappy I just simply have my awesome day having my time at the same time discussing in here on multiple subjects at once!!! You have a weakness that you need to work on!!!! As about the proof I have again said that you used my favourite part on the post!!!! She didn't do absolutely nothing to make him feel wanted it is just the words she uses and that is what op says. She talks!!! No action. It is not quotes it is the situation the op is saying with the little information he also has from her!!! The other people have a discussion with me and I with them I didn't change anything that it wasn't said on the post. I just point out some actions that gf is doing based on the post. You are so immature that really want the approval of people to have an opinion??? Grow up!!!
To be honest, there isn’t a way to do this without seeming insecure, because you are being insecure. That doesn’t mean it’s wrong, it’s just the truth of the situation.
Honestly I would be happy to work things out with someone who said I was average looking (because I am) but saying your personality is a 6/10 should be a deal breaker for you.
I think your emotions seem great and appropriate. Going to see friends? Have fun and say hi is an excellent response. Why would you be upset? Has he ever give a reason for thinking you ought to be sad?
He sounds very annoying and tiring. I don’t know how you put up with it, especially the “You’re a smart girl figure it out” comments. I’d want to punch him if he said that, condescending and passive aggressive comments that solve nothing.
If you're going to be jealous, be jealous of her whole life. Not the cherry picked bits. By all means feel jealous if youre OK with fantasising about never meeting your current partner, or if you're OK with having an upbringing where the value of money is a foreign concept to you etc
Thank you! I think his mom is blaming me so I’m scared 🙁
Thank you! I think his mom is blaming me so I’m scared 🙁
No, you’re right. It does sound creepy.
I just meant I put in a lot of effort, much more than I had before in a relationship/dating.
This is manipulation man. She knows you’ll respond to her being “sick”.
Nothing here suggests OP so abusive. NOTHING. However wife is checking many boxes for abuse. Check yourself and read the post. Wife shuts down all disagreement, stress pukes only happens with OP, also gaslights and refuses to even talk about her puking problems so therefore she doesn’t see them as problematic. That’s manipulative and abusive.
Deflect?
She'll be rightfully angry he snooped on her phone.
It's her family. Invitation or not, it's her call whether she brings her SO as her plus 1. She's a year into the relationship and it's a small family wedding. Do they think each other is their family at this point? That seems kind of rushed to me.
Telling him is a formality and she may not have told him if she didn't want him there and thought that he would insist on going. She moved to London. Depending on where she's from she may not want to take a Londoner to a small wedding. As a NYCer, I've experienced this. City folk tend to compare country things to what they have and find flaws. It might not be a huge issue. She may not want to hear jokes about her family's background or comparisons to a small wedding in Somerset.
You are young and have time to make a whole new happy life. Let go of this baggage and this man. He’s not good.
Wedding pictures will be around forever. You don’t take a boyfriend of less than a year to the wedding of someone in your immediate family, because if you break up you will still have to look at those photos a decade later.
You're not sexually compatible and when you have a high sex drive, that's basically the nail in the relationship. Why would you want to make it work when it's clearly so important to you and he isn't willing to meet you in the middle?
I dunno if it’s necessarily you being insecure, it might just be a difference in how you’ve bonded in the past, I assume you’ve dated people who text heavy and somewhat quickly. Some people flat out don’t like texting and that’s ok. Seeing you once every two weeks is a bit lacking though. What reasons did he give you for why he was hurt you didn’t find him interested?
Never cheated. Almost never drink. We’ve only had 2 sessions. She is taking on other therapy but I don’t think it’s working.
I think you are heading down a very dangerous road.
Certain changes in life or marriage can be expected or accepted easily.
If your spouse is very much a “Believer” then you changing religions may drive a huge wedge in your marriage, potentially ending in divorce.
Politics and religion are two very hot button topics.
Tread carefully.
I honestly just wonder about the time based on the tone of the post.
But also makes sense to go slow here, if she like rice, don’t lose it. And walk everyday, now a workout, but a walk. Took me 16 years to make a real decision to take action to lose weight, much more weight than her.
Technically so many things are in the herpes family. Cold sores, chicken pox, shingles, Epstein-Barr virus…the list is long. It's important to differentiate which kind people are dealing with, though, because treatment and/or prevention is easy enough if you use the proper protection.