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Date: October 6, 2022
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Dude is married.
It might not be a trap, I would hope it isn’t. That is some duplicitous shit if she set this up to trap you. Seems like there would be easier ways that don’t involve a 3rd party. Threesomes can change a relationship, if you go through with it you need to be hyper aware of your wife’s reaction to seeing certain things and be willing to stop if she Nope’s out. You have to do that while also staying hard and trying to please two women at the same time. Be specific with her on what she is ok with and what she isn’t – like PIV with this other lady… that is the point where I had an experience that went south. But we made it is as a couple, the festivities just stopped and I think we watched Lord of the Rings together. Just remember who your married too in it all, who your going home with so to speak- you got to be able to hold a conversation again.
Tell your wife that you love her and thank her for standing up for you and being in your corner
Easy
Self harm is right out the cheaters playbook.
And Im glad you didnt buy the “Its not cheating if he wasnt in love”. Either he is dumb as sh*t or he thinks you are.
Sometimes even one kiss is a deal breaker or an EA. Im glad for you that you know exactly what you want to do.
His cheating is something that was always inside him. Cheaters always have something inside them that needs fixing. Whether its childhood issues, self-esteem issues or just being a narcissist…the list goes on. But whatever his reasons for cheating, it wasnt you.
He can say he is sorry all day long, but until he fixes himself, he will never be a safe partner for anyone.
Reality is shocking at times. Look up some ethical dogs, or a mutt (cross breeding is good in shallow gene pools), and present it. Facts don’t care about feelings, he needs to get over it. Be gentle with him, is not easy to be confronted with the truth when you have known differently.
I’m a step mom (step son, SS, 3yo) and I know it can be so nerve wracking becoming a part of a child’s life. I promise from what you’ve expressed, you’re doing everything you should!
It’s an extremely personal journey and I would not let others (people on Reddit) outside of you & your bf dictate how you can and cannot interact with bf’s children. I would continue to communicate with both the girls and your bf on expectations, roles, boundaries, needs, and wants. Base your actions off of what makes everyone feel comfortable and what you discuss as a family.
These things take time but if you put in the effort, it’s so worth it. Always keep an open & honest discussion ongoing with your bf.
And to answer one question, I am very motherly towards my SS. Some people will disagree with that approach as a step mom, others will encourage it. It really depends on your personal situation and what is best for everyone involved. Kissing, hugging, cuddling is something I would allow the kids to initiate at their comfort until you build that relationship with them but there’s absolutely nothing wrong with what you described in your post.
Yeah. That's … not great. Why would she not text your wife before showing up? Why wouldn't you contact your wife once her friend showed up unannounced and distraught? I'd be mad too if I were her.
You say nothing happened, but omit details from the story you tell your wife. So clearly you know there's some inappropriate elements to your special little bonding event and you're trying to minimize them.
If I were you, I'd tell your wife the whole story before her friend does. You over stepped a boundary and now it's time to own up to your actions. Your wife has every right to be angry, and she's gonna be angrier when you tell her the whole truth- and if she hears the whole truth from someone other than you… well, good luck with that.
All around not great choices made here
Ugh, it's concerning to see what this turned into. Thanks for the warning.
Depends on the person. It matters to some, it doesn't to others.
Practice replies to her nonsense:
You don’t love me! “I do, but I also love ME.”
I worry! “Unless you were a bad mother, you’ve prepared me for life. Let me live.”
Why don’t you reply immediately? “Because you’ve shown you don’t respect my time and demand immediate replies for trivial things.”
I’m your mother. I deserve respect! “We all deserve respect. Don’t you think I deserve respect too?”
You’ve changed! “Yes”
??????????????? again, a whole lot of words to say you are a victim of your own impulse control. I'm done with you. Keep going through life as a victim, and continue to wonder why people get fed up and leave. Fix your shit.
There are mattresses you can get that are independently sprung. One person moving on one side will not disturb the other. That might be worth looking into. But No, there is no magic bullet here. I worked an early job years ago and my wife would come to bed later. We got into a routine and she would rarely wake me after a time. And as someone has said, maybe you can cuddle for 30 minutes and get up?
“As shitty as she acted, it was just for that one guy”
As shitty as it was, I just commited the one homicide. I'd reccomend getting out of there lmfao
There may be some underlying issues in your relationship that need to be addressed. It's normal for relationships to go through ups and downs, but if you're constantly feeling insecure and unsure about your partner's feelings, it's important to talk to them about it and try to find a solution together. It's also important to remember that a healthy relationship involves open communication and mutual respect, and if your partner is not willing to listen to your concerns and address them, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship. It's always better to be honest with yourself and your partner about your feelings and concerns, rather than allowing them to fester and potentially damage the relationship.
lol good luck…he punched a cabinet and acted batshit in front of your kids more than once, and his explanation this time is that he was looking for a fight and you “happened to be there”?
you need couples therapy asap, better yet start planning an exit. this is a toxic environment for your kids
Do you think the person posting the video wanted you to see them but not wanting to tell you directly.
‘They seem comfortable together and I don’t think you are overreacting. They also went to the museum by themselves so again time alone together. Hard to say if it’s more than friendship but cheating sometimes starts slowly with encounters like those and it’s frequent between co workers.
He’s not going to tell you if there’s something going on because you don’t have real proof but. you could comment how you feel and your discomfort and showing him the video and how it looks like.
Sounds like you are actually the one who “isn't shit”
if I don’t marry her now she said she will end our relationship
ultimatums = ???
Are you able to save enough money to make yourself feel comfortable if this marriage fails? Psychologically speaking I mean?
If so, stop sabotaging yourself. You’ll be fine. This man is not either of your exes. He’s a responsible man who works hard and wants to look after you.
You disgust me, and she also disgusts me.
Can you include putting on the condom as part of the foreplay? Like get her to put it on for you in a sexy way?
He's not good for you.
OP said he never met his child.
My suggestion is get your Testosterone level checked by a doctor. You could have some weird hormonal imbalance going on because of an underlying health issue. If that turns out normal, than you just not be with the right woman for you. I had a horrible car wreck many years ago and was put on methadone for 2 years of pain therapy before surgery. As a result, my pituitary gland stopped producing testosterone and I began having ED issues. After going thru all of the available solutions, I wound up having to inject 1 ml every seven days for the rest of my life. It made a huge difference for me, and gave me back my confidence. I wouldn't have known that my pituitary gland stopped producing testosterone if I had never consulted with the doctor and been diagnosed.
Her parents were adamant and believed the priest from long time
Excuse after excuse.
Y’all are truly perfect for each other
No, no humidity is right since it depends on the moisture in the air- so to speak
Text him something short and simple: Hey, I was thinking about you and wanted to see how you’re doing. Hope you are doing ok.
She told me on our first date and a few times him dieinf was the best thing to happen to their son and her. Yes. She said he wasn’t good. I tried to dig deeper. There was no abuse. Actually based on social media they had the perfect relationship
I agree. Op is a placeholder because she likes the attention.
Thanks. I agree it’s 2 especially after today. Gonna ignore her and see how that goes ?
Fuck this gift giving bastard. How can he sleep at night.
/s
10:1 the breakup text was simply a control tactic.
UpdateMe!
Yeah. His needing his nana in the delivery room is an even bigger red flag than the red flag of OP needing her mum. If you can't be there for each other without your parents, what are you doing?
a woman who took me for granted and saw me as her walking ATM. I was so deep in the hole that the only reason it ended is because she cheated on me.
Did you tell your current GF this? I think if you explained why you don't seem to “treat” her to things is because of this past thing, she'd be more understanding… and understand that it's not that you loved her more (and thus treated her to those various things), but that she was a manipulative exploitative GF.
As for whether she's showing you her true colours… I'd say I'd take it as a hint it's very possible she'd link materialism with love. If you otherwise think she's really great, I'd maybe give her some more time (after you've explained your ex situation, and see if you see some other signs she is gonna be high maintenance/golddigger-y/materialistic… and if the signs are there, and she's still upset about the differences in how you treat her/your ex… It's prob time to consider leaving.
So long as they are not identical twin brothers a run of the mill DNA paternity test can absolutely distinguish between the brothers.
If your husband will not cooperate, you can test the kids against your husband's brother. That can establish not only whether he is the father (no, you say) but also if the genetic father is closely related.
If your husband cooperates I suggest testing both brothers against your kids. That way one batch of tests covers it all.
If you are likely to want to use these test results in court the lab must take certain steps regarding chain of custody of the samples. Costs a bit more, but worth not having to do it twice.
Oh on I was not seeing it that way thanks
Oh on I was not seeing it that way thanks
Oh on I was not seeing it that way thanks
This stuff matters to be fair, if your relationship continues, would you want your children to grow up with similar views?
Some political views don’t matter, for me, the ones that negatively affect or take away someoene else’s rights do though.
You barely know him and he wants to marry you. He was fine with it when you told him now he is having second thoughts because you won’t be able to give him anything first. People can’t change their past and you did what you had to do when you were younger. Say you guys did get married he probably will throw this in your face all the time. Girl leave now when it’s early before you waste anymore time on him!
I guess first step is to ask him if he knew he bought a fake as if he got scammed, then go from there.
If someone bought your gf a car without telling you would you honestly have zero problems with it?
You literally sound like you’re dating the modern economy.
They can do what they like but trying to get a reaction out of me??. They definitely won’t because I’m focused on my self rn. Ok because I wondered if i could leave. I dont really use snapchat so idk how to use it completely
Don't use Draino in anything, actually.
Baking soda and boiling water works way better and won't cause issues like Draino does.
OP said she has his location, I assumed this meant they saw him active on an app or something, but it could have also just been that she had the address of where he was staying. What I was trying to ask for is information for a better understanding of the situation, OP is asking for help, after all.
We used to be communicate what we wanted in the bedroom. One day I suggested roleplay and she shot it down in a disgusted way…we also tried things she wanted and she quickly changed her mind…since then we dont talk anymore
I didn’t mean that you would be a bad person and I’m sorry it sounded that way. This is obviously eating you up so you should get an attorney and get a court ordered DNA test. You need to know otherwise you will never rest. If you are the father, you can decide how to proceed. Josiah is young enough that it won’t be as traumatic to him to find out when he is older. If Eric is his father, it will be a relief to him. But she sounds like she is afraid he isn’t his or she would have had the test done when he was born. Get the test and post an update when you find out.
She doesn’t want to date you. Move the fuck on.
Yes because the grandmother needs to be in the shower to molest an infant and toddler. If she wanted to do that she wouldn’t wait to take a shower with them. This line of thinking is ridiculous.
Tbf I doubt it has anything to do with confrontation; he just doesn't want to lose his current lodging while he's getting his new place organised.
You’re overreacting. She’s snapping for the sake of it and not saying or doing anything inappropriate.
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The biggest sign of concern for me is that he runs his car every day without moving it. Since the days of fuel injection (2000ish), it has been a no-no to idle your car as the engine doesn't properly oil the pistons. It is recommended to drive your car and go. I won't even begin to comment on his compulsion to run it every day. So this guy is just a total moron who knows nothing about cars.
Drive away and quickly from his life, but never fear his engine won't last much longer anyway.
Okay, so I tried to ignore the age thing, and I couldn't. You were 16, and he was 24 when you started dating. Big Red Flag (golden rule -> Half your age + 7).
But, going past that (however difficult it may be), do not ignore this. Tell your predator boyfriend that his brother is trying to sneak his prey from him. If you don't tell him and his brother says you made a move on him instead, then you're the one who looks guilty, and beyond that, if he doesn't think you'll tell the creep might try something worse.
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You‘re a special kind of person. Coming here for advice and insulting the first person that offers it smh.
Sure it doesn’t. But you’ll have a hard time convincing anybody of that when you do conceal it. She didn’t regret it enough to come clean.
And she did ruin it the moment she cheated, because now everything after that was based on a lie.
Yeah generally this is a teamwork problem
It sounds like he isn't in a good place and is not able to have a friendship with you at this time. Which is a shame.
It's common for men of his generation to feel unable to open up and when they do, view that person in a romantic/sexual way. It's not really about you. It's about his loneliness and difficulties dealing with life without his partner. You are not in a position to help him.
If I were you, I'd be disappointed. I'd let your partner know about the odd interaction and that you want to have some space and boundaries from that relationship for a while.
No. You broke her trust
Why should she trust you again?
Dis he find his phone yet? Does he have the find my phone app?
I’m astonished by how many people are willing to end their relationships with their partner of YEARS just because they dared approach the topic of opening their relationship up. Have some trust! She’s asking you if you’re comfortable with it. Why can’t you say “no, not right now. Can we revisit it at a later date?”
Wow can't believe you're getting downvoted for this. It's the exact same comment that's getting upvoted just from a different perspective.
I can’t imagine what you’re going through. I wish you the best. As a fellow mom, who has gone through the craziness of pregnancy hormones and postpartum, I think your setting yourself up the best way you can.
I would definitely get the house changed to your name and wait until you feel more stable to make any major decisions. I hope there is someone in your life that you feel comfortable enough with to help you through the first few weeks after baby is born. The first year May help strengthen your relationship or show the cracks. Wishing you luck with whatever you decide
They both are!!
Go back and read your very first sentence and then think long and hard about whether this is a marriage worth saving.
You are legally responsible for her. So yea you have to pay up
Run. It’ll happen again.
Miscarriages are extremely common in the first trimester. Get an abortion and tell people it was a miscarriage. You do not want to be tied to him with a child. Do it for you and for them.
The kid is asleep while he is gaming ususally, as far as he wrote. So it's on her to find hobbies and find ways of spending time other than sitting on the couch.
My heart is breaking for you. It's not even like you set the bar that high. All you wanted is flowers. You really deserve better.
I will try it thank you. I am desperate for anything to feel better and I can't bear to think of a life without her in it. I appreciate you greatly
Break up. He’s being like this provably because he thinks you won’t end things and is trying to get whatever he wants out of you.
Seriously, that's just grim. It's a horrible way to view not just you, but also your relationship. Still, living with someone after such a short space of time is daft, as it gives you no space to process anything you're finding out about each other as the relationship develops.
Your 13 yo never asked about her birth story? Your pregnancy? Never mentioned how she has your eyes or hands? You are not only full of shit but you also never had children and know nothing about them.
Oh my god what the actual fuck am I reading?
What sort of fucking masochism makes you want to stay with this disgusting alcoholic?
I mean seriously. Why are you wasting your life on this loser?
It's not that marriage is the default, it's that his gf clearly really wants to get married and only after 6 years he's even realising this while never in that time having any kind of conversation about what they want or their long term goals, they're not communicating.
I think it's alright as long as you're not committed and are doing it safely. I would disclose that yo your sex partners though just in case they're uncomfortable with the idea.
Thank you ?
No, that's not what OP said at all, in fact quite the opposite.
It’s a tough one, I’ll say that. As someone who’s good friends with an ex (which was my first long term relationship and will still forever love and care for, just not in the same way I used to), I understand how that can be weird to some extent. He deserves a great life and wonderful relationships, and I will be here to support him all the way. And, for a moment, I thought I might marry him. But long story short, he had to move across the world and he wasn’t gonna let that happen. And our break up hurt me for a long, long time. I basically refused to date anyone, did not give a shit about dating because I was still getting over my ex. Then, all of a sudden, I met someone who came into my world like a tornado. And I love him. My ex was a good fit for who I was when I dated him, which have never would have worked out now. And vice Versa. I didn’t need someone super emotional when I got together with him, and I needed someone who wears emotion out on his sleeve for my next bf. I also know my bf is fighting to try and get one of his friend (who’s had a very intense crush on him for years now, and it’s been a struggle warming up to her presence) Sorry, this is long. But listen to your heart, it tells you what you need. ❤️You know what’s best between you and your bf.
No way… if he wants to make sure… he could have flushed it down the toilet…
Yup. Almost textbook definition of rape. You said no, and he forced himself on you.
I hope your sister is thinking about what her life will be like in 20yrs with this guy.
You have the emotional depth of a teaspoon. A woman who cannot have children, finds out her ex with new partner (younger than her also…) is going to have his baby. A baby she always wanted, but couldn’t have. It doesn’t matter if she has no emotions towards him any longer…but that fucking hurts. It’s gonna hurt. It isn’t about her maybe still being in love…it hurts because she will never know that, with him or anyone. (There are other options of course…) But it is going to cause some very deep feelings. She will need time. Also, you said, basically past gf are just that…the past. This wasn’t his gf it was his wife for 15 years and still current business partners. So what YOU do is completely different in this situation.
Get her to leave the house and change all of the locks. Put her shit outside. When she becomes violent, call the cops.
Make sure you schedule the locksmith to change things or do it yourself.
No, but we’ve only dated girls in the past. I’m not seeing anyone right now
WHY IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT HE HAS NUDE PHOTOS
This was a common thing until relatively recently. My parents have photos of us (their children only) in the tub and there was never any sexual abuse. Most of the people I know would probably tell you the same. I wouldn't automatically draw a line from that to sexual abuse.
That said, other information scattered throughout OP's replies make the possibility of sexual abuse much higher and it should be taken seriously. She should get the kid tested, if that is still a possibility, talk to a lawyer, and press charges if appropriate.
Sex isn’t supposed to be scary and it’s not supposed to be about him. It’s supposed to be about the both of you.
One day you will get to my age, and you will be so disappointed in yourself for all the times you faked an orgasm just to make a man happy.
Also, you’re just reinforcing his terrible technique and one day you will be done with him, and the next lady will have to starfish or do the hard work of course correcting years of bad technique.
Look… you can either make 1 man happy, OR YOU CAN STAND IN SOLIDARITY with your heterosexual sisters and stop faking your approval.
Next time he’s “oh baby do you like that”… you look that boy dead in the eyes… yawn… and say “it’s ok…. But…”
i dont think there is anything wrong with joining discords to meet people for gaming i have dated a few yes and sure its not expected to last. Yes my ex did a lot for me but most of it was to cover up his problems and to distract and yes normally i wouldnt get mad over being sent flowers its the fact tht he spent so much on money on and me and he asked me if he could i said no and he still did it anyway i shouldnt have to pretend to be happy about it.
>She doesn't have to miss out on fun stuff in the city – she just has to drive now to get to those things. Of course it's not the same but it's not like she has to totally give up everything.
This is a *much* bigger change than you are really admitting. Going from a walkable lifestyle with everything closeby to a driving-required situation changes *everything* about your life. There's a reason you don't see your friends as much as you used to – needing to drive to go see them is part of a more scheduled homebody lifestyle, and that lifestyle lends itself to mutual isolation. It's a well-understood phenomenon.
You definitely shouldn't sell your house just to move in with your girlfriend – that's silly. However, you *do* seem to be focusing entirely on the financial aspects of your house, and you don't really like your neighborhood – so what exactly are you getting out of this house? A place to live, sure, but you don't sound like you are actually taking advantage of the “amenities” that your house offers.
You have a suburban yard. Cool. Do you actually use it to, say, entertain your friends? Do you run around out there? Do you garden? What do you *do* with all this house, really?
A house should enable the life you want to live. I live in a rural area on 3.5 acres far away from my friends and family, and I live here because it's the living situation I want. It's not about investment or tax benefits or whatever, it's about leading the life that appeals to me and to my spouse, and that must always be your primary consideration in your living situation. Tax benefits are great, but if you own a house at 31 years old, my assumption is that your money situation is probably pretty good – so what is all that money *for* if not to build exactly the life you want?
I would seriously consider what kind of quality of life you have in this house right now. There's a real estate bubble on, and I bet your house is currently over-valued. Do you want to retire here? If not…maybe it *is* the right time to sell and change your situation. But that should come from *you* assessing *your* life priorities, not changing for your girlfriend or staying put because some investor told you to.
Owning a house is expensive. Are you actually getting commensurate value in your life from it?
Make it clear to him how you feel when he refuses to do his chores. For example, “It makes me feel alone and frustrated when you choose to play video games instead of contributing to the household. It makes me feel unimportant when you wash your own clothes and not mine.”
And if you have made it crystal clear to him that failing to do chores impacts you and your sense of well-being, and he still chooses not to do them, then reconsider how kind and loving and perfect he is. It's easy to be a good partner when that just means keeping a generally pleasant demeanor and offering the occasional compliment. It means a lot more when it requires actually putting in effort and sacrifice.
A lot of men get offended at the size of a vibrator, especially if it’s bigger than them. Try getting a bullet style vibrator? It won’t leave him feeling replaced. I will say though this is also an age thing, men and women (usually) get over these types of jealousy’s as they get older. It’s like women hating their partner watching porn. It’s all an irrational form of thought stemming from their own insecurities of not feeling good enough
Yah, but it was a boundary for him after you started looking. So, it wasn't a boundary for either of you.
The problem is how he reacted. It is unfair and he is a hypocrite. Probably a liar too.
For your own peace of mind I would check the laws in your area. 17 and 20 is likely very legal.
Personally I don't really see much of a difference between a 17 year old and a 20 year old. Had you guys started dating in high school it would have been the same outcome. I think you are over thinking it
Because he was showing off to the camera. You don’t just accidentally do that all while someone just happened to hijack your camera at the exact same time. I really don’t get why people are reaching this far to make excuses for this man clearly lying and gaslighting his wife.
For your own peace of mind I would check the laws in your area. 17 and 20 is likely very legal.
Personally I don't really see much of a difference between a 17 year old and a 20 year old. Had you guys started dating in high school it would have been the same outcome. I think you are over thinking it
Ok. I’m not a troll
There is no drug use. He and his ex did that, we do not. And I'm not saying Im trying to have a child right now. I was already unintentionally pregnant last year with him. Going through something traumatic like we did has a tendency to build or break relationships and I thought I built ours, since he didn't leave me, but I guess I was wrong.
He shouldn't be there, just my .02.
No.
A Million times, no.
This is the single STUPIDEST thing you will do in life next to “that thing in the parking lot at Target” when you're 32 and on a bride's maid outting. His name will be “dijon” but you won't remember the father…
Too young, no diverse relationship experience. Dijon would not approve.
Sounds like your man's priorities ain't straight. I get that driving to downtown LA can be a hassle and all, but c'mon bro, this is your future wife you're talking about. And you're planning on getting hitched and all that, you're gonna need to put in a little bit more effort than just looking at pictures online.
It's not just about the drive though, it's about him ditching plans with you for his bro. And it's not the first time either. That's not cool, bro. It's not fair to you, and it's not fair to your relationship.
I know you're young, but if you're thinking about spending the rest of your life with this guy, you need to make sure he's gonna be there for you and make you a priority. And from the sounds of it, he's not doing that.
So my advice, bro, is to have a serious talk with him about this. Let him know how you feel, and let him know that you need him to be more respectful of your time and your plans together. And if he can't do that, well, then maybe you need to re-evaluate whether this relationship is really what you want for your future.
Yes, you are very very very young. You’ll be right
I just don’t know how to do it without coming across as judgmental or disappointed.
I think you don't know because you are in fact judgemental and disappointed right now. I don't mean to pick on you I promise, but everything about your post screams judgemental and disappointed. I think your best bet if you are going to talk to him is focus on the positive things you like seeing him do rather than point out all the stuff he is doing that you don't like.
But ideally it should all come from a genuine place of concern for him, which I don't really pick up on in your post. You seem mostly concerned with how his behavior is making you feel. Your feelings are ok and valid by the way. You feel however you feel. That's not my point. My point is that having your feelings tied to his actions is a recipe for disaster in a relationship. Everyone goes through ups and downs and changes in their life. Even if you were dating a driven, compulsive workaholic they may wake up one day and realize they hate their life and they want a drastic change. It happens. People change. So forming the basis of your relationship on his performance at work is just shaky ground for love. It's just not sustainable without a bunch of resentment building up on one or both sides. Just something to think about as you frame this situation in your head.
Thank you for helping me see this a little more clearly, even if it's very painful. He's been telling me this whole time that I'm not doing enough to support him and giving these ultimatums, like, if I argue with him once in 2023 he's canceling the wedding, or if I criticize him or raise my voice or whatever. He makes me feel like I'm unreasonable for expecting him to participate in our joint life and support the plans and promises he's made. I don't really have many friends to talk to, I feel humiliated about it all.
im sorry OP your self esteem/respect must be so low for you to be making all these mental gymnastics to justify her treating you as an afterthought. Please seek therapy. The way you write – You are not even the main character in your own life.
Tbh feet fetish isn't even that rare to be considered weird. I don't have it but I understand people have different kinks and as long as you don't force yours on your partner, it's okay to have them.
Nothing needy about this at all. Just keep it simple – “the feelings I have towards you are the type of feelings I reserve for people I'm in an exclusive, defined relationship with. Totally respect that you don't feel the same way – if you change your mind I'd love to discuss, but this is where I'm at and this is what I need to continue”.
They LOVE to spin the “needy” angle. Cool, fine. Be needy, there's nothing wrong with having needs – and bouncing when they aren't met!
Why would he have told Op the little details about his trauma? And before making the post OP didn’t talk to him about the trauma specifically. It could have still involved urine
My sister conceived four kids using the pull out method.
Maybe Google search “male strippers” and then the town/city of the bachelorette party. See what websites come up – might be able to see if his pic comes up.
If you did find out she was lying, what would you do? What outcome are you looking for?
Trespassing in the passengers seat? ?
Don’t. Tell you that you find her more and more beautiful every day and make her feel beautiful and appreciated.
Absolutely. I've never been an appearance person, I've always fallen for a personality. With him we didn't see what the other looked like for a few months when we first started talking as just friends. I already had a crush on him just based on how he acted and talked with everyone. When we did exchange pictures I found him super attractive and still do
What makes you think that what he says is different from what he means?
You're going to make him feel bad no matter what so just get it over with and tell him you've changed your mind due to the rental conditions.
All you can do is just be honest and upfront, theres no way to make this easier to go down besides explaining your reasoning clearly.
It does matter bc it’s a slightly separate issue from everything else as it didn’t happen that way. She did do everything else, which is unacceptable and grounds for breakup which I agree with. But she didn’t cheat bc they weren’t in an exclusive relationship. Focus on the bad shit she actually did, which is more than enough for op to dump her and move on.
Even her sleeping with someone else while them not being exclusive but him feeling like they were serious is enough for OP to justify a breakup, but she wasn’t cheating. That’s all.
He might be w someone. He was saying that after that day I would be saying he’s horrible
I’m an atheist dating someone with similar views as OP.
Boyfriend is definitely a dick.
I dunno. I wouldn’t get high at my job but I plenty of other people who excel at their jobs being high.
Yeah, she didn't do anything wrong, nor do I see any red flags, her group was maybe 5-6 years old by now? She did tell me it was established when she was in high school. And nothing ever did happen in those years they're together (romantically). I guess I could say they're platonic, but yet the worry won't go away
Yeah. Some relationships just don't work. It's crazy that they lasted 2 years though, I feel like it would be more like 2 months.
Stop comparing yourself to your partners ex's. They are with you now, not those other people. Dont even mention the fact they exist.
So you were expecting her to hold down a job and do all the chores and childcare? Because you found laundry too hard? Yet thought it was fine enough for her to do every single time. You think women love doing laundry?
And now you wife is probably trying to give you a taste of your own medicine. Seeing it from her pov of what she went through last year. This is some sort of punishment for not doing more last year.
If this marriage is to work, she needs to stop being petty and stop punishing you for your mistakes last year, and you need to do more laundry.
If you divorce, you are going to have to do all the laundry yourself, shock horror!!! So keep that in mind.
Really, over a wrong turn? She's too immature for a relationship. Her feelings are the only ones that matter in her mind. Telling you that you're invalidating her feelings by telling her how feel is manipulative.
She doesn't want you to express your feelings on anything. That's not okay. You're allowed to have feelings and opinions. You can either try to work through this or dump her and find a woman who knows your feelings and opinions matter too.
Nah, you did the right thing by breaking up with her, now you just need to finish the job and stop talking to her so both of you can move on.
Chances are extremely high she hooked up with that guy and won't admit it. The truth that you do know is she lied about where she was and that's not someone worthy of your time and resources.
Sounds like his “Chruch group” is just a lie. Trust is a 2-way street. Once it's broken it's gone.
I would stick to your guns and say you can't date a liar and a cheater. If he says he didn't cheat ask him how he can prove it if he is already a proven liar.
It's the internet, not everyone gets our Midwestern ways. I'm illinois
What you should do is whatever you truly feel is the best overall decision for your own long-term happiness.
But . . . I can't blame your boyfriend. I don't know of a single guy who would be happy with his GF moving in with another guy, even if he's “just a friend.” If you do move in with him, you can probably expect your current relationship to fall apart.
Yes i will thx sir
If he does show up in a clown outfit, I just wouldn't give him the satisfaction of acknowledging it. I wouldn't let him be in any of the pictures unless he was in dress code, but he seems to want attention or to cause distress and drama. By making a big deal about it, you are giving him what he wants. I'd warn my family/friends that it was happening so they wouldn't be caught off guard and they could know the plan of ignoring it.
One day it might even be a funny story. But for now you have way more important details to think about than what one guest is going to be wearing
It sounds like you are a place holder. The breakup for a year didn't work out like he hoped so he came running back to you.
He's using you for the free housing. He likely checked out a while ago. Sit him down and tell him he needs to find work within __ months or he needs to move out. If he's so unhappy in the relationship, then it would be better for him to live off of – I mean – with someone else.
Tbh I wouldn’t want to go with these people. Imagine how awkward it would be when one hits on you and you turn them down… if you do
Look, you met up, you're not attracted to him, that should be the end of it. You don't owe this guy anything.
Just tell him something like “it was nice meeting you but I don't feel any chemistry, so I'm not interested in dating, I wish you well.”
Then block him on everything because it sounds like he tries to make you feel sorry for him.
Yeah, k think you bring up a great point. If you were as shy as you say, then she probably knew very little about you while knowing Mark at a deeper level. She probably thought they’d be compatible while you and her were more of a mystery. Once she went out, she probably was happy about how it went.
I guess all women dont do such things then, who knew whole genders don't all do the same thing..now you just have to get over having your ex in the back of your mind.
I see where you’re coming from but with being out of wedlock I don’t blame her. I was upfront with my bf since the beginning that if we have a child before we are married they will have my last name. He knows this, and is welcome to leave at any time if he doesn’t agree, but it’s something I feel strongly on. my kids will have my last name regardless what it is, I just grew them and birthed them, we will have the same surname. You can definitely try to reason with her but if it’s a bridge you’re willing to burn either way they won’t have your last name. You can also seek legal advice, but again, she still can get the final say in the hospital room while doing the birth certificate where she doesn’t have to let you in. I know it’s sucks on your end but it’s something she feels strongly on. Best of luck to the both of you.
I think you need to take a step back and realize that you may be the father of her child and her unborn child, but you are NOT her husband. Which makes her a single Mom. If you keep pressing her, the result may be that she decides your relationship is over, and then where will you be? It's good to think about the possible consequences of your actions.
It's kinda all or nothing for me.
Which is exactly how it should be.
I've seen that idea on this subreddit before and it's always a bad idea. It's a dog not a child, setting up “shared custody” or “visitation” is stupid and just confuses the dog.
Hell to the nah. Get on that nopesmobile and take the quickest route out of nopesburg as far away from that red flag parade as possible.
Your bf is incredibly immature. Not only did he react like a child, he made fun of you in front of his friends and completely disrespected you. Is this really someone you want to spend more time with?
If it was me I’d be tempted to dump him and date his brother who sounds much more on your side!
People with severe allergies typically try to avoid allergens. Also .. smoking with asthma? I call b.s. and you’re naive for believing his b.s.
Same situation. No advice, sorry. But you’re not alone
I'd be digging for more information. This is minimal context.
No, she won't. Doing what the boyfriend wants isn't going to magically change his mindset that she should have to cater to his feelings, or his need for attention when she is dealing with trauma.
She needs to do what she decides on the time line that she decides is most appropriate because she is the one who knows her situation. And maybe that does mean catering to the boyfriends ego instead of what she thinks is best, who knows. Her choice.
Tell him he's stressing you the fuck out and he needs to chill/back off and what YOU decide is Final and that you dont want to hear anymore about it and ask him if you were CLEAR on that.
Don't even let him interrupt you.
He might get pissed for a few days but thats fine. The important part is you standing your ground.
Yes I am alarmed
It was even worse than saying it would be solo – he said he WANTED it to be solo, meaning he didn't just hide the fact but actually took steps to ensure it would just be the two of them. If OP had been like “great news! I can go with you now!” then BF would have cancelled, changed plans, found a reason why OP couldn't possibly go, etc.
I've actually been the pawn before and asking the kid isn't necessarily the best choice. It isn't a choice between names, it's a choice between parents. And you can't shove that toothpaste back in the tube no matter how much therapy you get.
I don't think there's anything wrong with it as long as I'm open. I was just unsure if it's like, too soon to say something. This is good to think about, thank you.
To set the record straight, even though we have been together for the past 3 years there was never any sexual intimacy between us.
Ew dude. Just no. Everything you wrote reeks of grooming, manipulation and… I swear, if I were your daughter, you would be dead to me too.
She would take it back because she already did it and saw the consequences and was absolutely willing to continue it if he chose to. I know this isn’t fiction but she ruined your guy’s child friends to lovers love story and she’ll have to deal with it for a long time.
You seem so wholesome and don’t deserve her. If her low libido ass cheated multiple times and HE ended it and she was willing to continue it, was she ever really in love with you? Sounds like she just really liked you because if you’re in love with someone, you’ll be happy with who your with and cheating would be something disgusting to even think about.
If she was willing to continue cheating, sounds like she was potentially planning on dumping you when things stabilized between her and the guy where she felt safe enough to jump ship. Like what other reason would she want to continue it? and be upset when HE cut her off.
She‘s literally abusive and sexist how does it make her great?
Why get with someone to be begin with that has completely different values then yourself? Should’ve left a long time ago, on the bright side you’re only 32, have a great career and plenty of time to live your best life going forward.
Once a day is a lot, OP, unless you’re on the same page about it. This guy sounds like he doesn’t care about you.
Do you think i could write her something like an explanation?
I think OC was referring to romantic attraction. Not physical. That's also what I meant.
Easier to just to agree surely, but know that you are right?
Let's view it this way:
What are the downsides to you attending therapy again? What ramifications come to you or your relationship with Claire or your relationship with your kids if you spend a little time in therapy?
Honestly, the fact that you seem to rail so strongly against the idea after someone close to you expresses concern is probably a really good indicator that it's needed. Lashing out years after the fact and judging people you allegedly care about (I'm not going to say love, because honestly I have doubts here) for not performing their grief in a way you deem acceptable or ranking their grief against yours isn't exactly the hallmark of stability. You may be out of the throes of your grief in a place where you can function on a daily basis, but you seem to still have some work to do. That isn't to say that what you felt was wrong – grief can bubble up in ways out of the blue weeks, months, years, or decades later. But it's what you did with that grief, the actions you took and how it's affecting your ability to function in relationships that's problematic.
I didn’t know her well enough to tell her
Then, again, don’t be in a relationship with someone you feel this way about. It’s easy? Date longer before committing. She seems kinda nuts and definitely incompatible. Take it as a learning experience and move forward. But if you feel you can’t vent to your partner they shouldn’t be your partner.
I’m pretty sure they can’t even like effectively test dudes for HPV.
Did the business train/educate her on possible scams? 19 year olds have little life experience. You shouldn’t hold it against her. It’s better she learn now than years later with the stakes a lot higher.
Breakup, that is what they are supposed to do
If ur not intimate with your partner it might aswell be your friend lol im not trying to sleep with my friends tho
Maybe he went through something, positive or (more likely) negative and either really does or really doesn't want his children to experience it.
Maybe he was highly pressured by parents and ended up with some trauma from that and wants to make sure the kids don't go through and that he can ensure that they can learn at their own pace and that “love must be earned by good grades” isn't a lesson taught at home.
Maybe he wants to send them to CIA training school. Where they'll be trained in Algebra and Undercover Investigations where they'll pose as a fans of a garage band that's really a front for a drug ring run by a cartel of children.
Maybe he's a secret extremist and wants to indoctrinate the children into a cult.
Maybe he wants the kids to be performers, so he wants to be able to home school the kids as they go on tour playing improv accordion funk jazz across the country to packed stadiums of screaming fans.
Maybe he wants to send one to public school and one to private school, or hold one back a year and compare how they turn out for the next 18 years for his community college masters thesis.
Maybe he wants them to learn is his native language, or Esperanto.
Maybe he wants too have them as children, ship them off to boarding school as teens until the graduate college because he doesn't want to deal with what he was like was he was a teen and wants to make it someone else's problem.
Maybe he's an alien sent to infiltrate earth and needs to be able to teach them advanced technology, without the earthlings finding out, so that they'll be able to sabotage earth's defenses leaving us vulnerable to invasion.
Maybe he sees government schools as a tool of the devil and needs to ensure his kids don't go there and lose their immortal souls.
Maybe he's writing a book about two siblings and has the backstory about their education worked out, but can't seem to get a satisfying conclusion so he wants to recreate the education laid out in the book with his children. That way he can just watch them to see what happens so he can finish his novel.
Maybe he's going to refuse to help pay for college because it's a bad investment, especially when he can get 3:1 on Santa's Little Helper in the fourth race next Wednesday; it's a sure thing this time.
Maybe he wants to do the “year round” school thing, multiple smaller breaks rather than one long Summer break between years. Since taking all of summer off causes a decline in proficiency, and much time is spent getting students back up to speed, thus impeding progression.
The “something” truly is endless.
Wowsers why are you with this guy? Leave him, can you imagine the hang ups he’d give future kids?!
Yeah, this is not normal. First off, he doesn't know everything there is to know about the education system. You could have a child with special needs, or with some special gift that means that she might benefit from home-schooling to fit her education in around working on her gift (I'm thinking music or gymastics). And ultimately, at certain points the child is entitled to have her say in how she's educated.
I'm thinking of a friend whose child was gifted in gymnastics. The girl was very excited at being told how she had true potential and could win national tournaments if she kept working. She was accepted at a special sports school with accommodations so that athletes could fit academic work round their training schedules. It was all going really well and her parents were very proud of her, until she broke down crying and said that it was too tough, the teachers were like slave masters and insulted the children who made mistakes or weren't fast enough. The father wanted her to tough it out, the mother said she could just go back to her old school, they'd said she would be welcome. The father then capitulated because he could see that his partner was going to fight hard to let their daughter do their own thing.
That was several years ago, the girl is now doing very well studying political science at a school second only to Harvard.
For my own daughter too: she wanted to major in literature at secondary school and her father put his foot down and said no, science was better. She'd be closing too many doors if she stopped studying science. I told him they were not doors that our daughter would ever want to walk through. I stood up for her and told him that if he made her do science, she would end up getting bad marks and dropping out of school, whereas if he let her do what she wanted, she would get good marks and be able to go on to university. I said we could ask for an appointment with a science teacher at school if he wanted someone else's advice. Finally he backed down.
Our daughter is now working as a jewellery designer, making jewellery inspired by famous jewels and styles in history and she is very happy. She is an avid reader too, and it wouldn't surprise me if she started writing novels at some point because she writes beautifully. She wrote a really wonderful story instead of a thesis for her Master in Fine Arts. At one point she admitted that it would have been useful to continue studying physics because she was learning about metal in her jewellery course, but she passed that course with top marks so it's not like it held her back. And none of the others doing the course had studied physics either, so it's not like her ignorance held the class back either.
All this to say that no way can you agree to this prerequisite, your potential children's mental health depends on it.
Also, if he wants complete control over this one thing, are you sure he doesn't exert complete control over other things too? Are you sure he won't ever want to exert control over you? (Remembering a friend who started saying he wouldn't allow his GF to do this or that while pregnant… that relationship didn't last long obviously)
Idk my bro, sounds like you should “puff, puff, PASS” on this one…
All jokes aside, sounds like gf has bouts of emotional instability that need to be addressed through some good, deep counseling. Sounds like you may have set them up on the path to get the help you need. On the other hand, it’s literally just WEED. I’d be more worried about the Xanax-abuse, and threats of self-harm. That’s an issue. May thru get the help they need.
This is exactly what my family is saying to me, they all can see so many red flags, but despite that they agree for my happiness. Thanks I'll reconsider my choices.
Given you are not happy with her anyway then it's a good idea to separate as you are concerned about your feelings here and not this person's trauma. If your first response to rape (based on your comments) is to victim blame then you should separate and spend some time learning about how these things work.
At the moment you are not what she needs and she is not what you need. She asked you for space but you continued to text her multiple times a day and that sound stifling.
She wasn't raped. And yes she cheated on you.
Alcohol is not an excuse unless one is drinking against their will. She got drunk (or at least is making that excuse), fucked someone else, and now is using the “I dont remember, maybe I got raped” card.
She isn't a person for relationships. Do yourself a favor and seriously think if this is what you want to deal with
Some of us really do though, for some of us only penetration feels good and gets us off and oral/fingers do nothing at all.
Have you considered doing something with him?
Board game, bowling, mini golf?
Something to occupy him and talk?
Idk..I think it's kinda weird to keep wearing stuff from your ex. Unless your still friends
No actually, I even stated I realize my mind works differently. I posted this to get insight into something I dont understand, so sorry it triggered you xD
oh fuck ALL of this. Dump that trash heap
sincerely, An older lesbian
Oh.. sorry. A friend told me you should put this. ?
Yes I know, i totally deserve this… I understand her actions. The thing is, i wan't her back and i hope that it could work. The last week with her was so good… I worked a lot in her new apartment, where we wanted to move in. We went again on dates, laught a lot, talked a lot. I Loved her Like on the first day. I stopped talking to other Girls, deleted numbers…
Today we are going on a concert, and she also wants to talk it out… and thats the reason theres still hope….
Oh.. sorry. A friend told me you should put this. ?
Honestly, you've really put the dot on the i with that statement. It is mostly because he wants to feel superior to my ex and he says that me not being able to choose between him and the dog makes him feel less than a dog in my eyes. Which isn't even the truth, I love both of them in different ways and I can't choose
And will remain so
You are not crazy, and you are being gaslighted… it’s FAIR to establish boundaries.
Move on from him
My advice: You're not ready for a relationship. I highly recommend staying friends with your current boyfriend since he's supportive (and hopefully willing) while you get therapy.
>I know I definitely need therapy but it’s too expensive for me rn
You're in school. Depending on the school you're enrolled it, if they have a department where they train future psychologists, there should be a low cost or free clinic. Otherwise, there are community clinics that should be able to help you.
Of course it will. That’s the end game. She goes along with this for 28 days, he is feeling better but still being a loaf. She tries to bring it up on day 35, and that “causes” him to spiral back down and restart the clock. Rinse and repeat until OP gets wise and leaves or dies inside and becomes a full-time bangmaid.
You have doubts about it. Then it's time to leave.
Even with the tiniest of doubt. It will destroy your relationship.
So basically he wants a mother who he can have sex with while she takes care of him? RUN GIRL
Do what you must, hide your relationship with your bf from your family (assuming your bf agrees) until you are financially free. I always find it amazing how some Christians are so ready to throw their children onto the streets, very Christlike, huh?
It can hurt if they rub with too much pressure, or with the right pressure but not quite in the right spot. There’s a patch of sensitive skin down there that can get irritated, for me, with bad technique.
Well if the aim is to punish the parents, he's not looking out for the best interest of the kids.
This is a breakup scenario. He's a gaslighting POS. It's not “charitable” of him to steal your things that you bought to donate to a charity for his work so he can benefit. He's calling you selfish when in reality he is the selfish one. Throw him to the curb.
Well, shame comes from hiding shit. Pick her up at home, meet her soon to be ex, clear the air.
Set a budget as if you were paying rent and then splitting everything else 50/50.
Show her the numbers.
and make a budge based on the current income and expenses so you both know where the money is goign.
but if she's bad with money this may not be fixable.
UpdateMe!
Imagine how he'll be when you're pregnant, or if you don't lose the weight fast enough. Your height and weight are perfect! Strangers at bars with no emotional connection to you hit on you! Clearly you are hot. Your bf is an asshole.
I mean, you are describing a relationship that doesn´t make you happy. What does he gives to you so you are considering leaving or not?
I get why you're single at 37 lol
She isn't changing.
She watched him while they drove off, how is it not her fault for letting them know?? Christ fuck
She had blood work done last month and everything was normal. If it's not psychiatric it could be neurological though. Thank you for the advice and I'm glad your mom's doing better!
It was our first serious relationship and we both started neglecting the things that made the relationship work. I feel like we also both wanted to experience other people but now that we have I think we want to get back together. We miss what we had
so you complained about a girl in the group and she just assumed ure hiding something? that sounds very controlling. also the age gap doesn’t sit right with me. there is absolutely no good reason why a 26 year old would date a 20 year old. this sounds like a situation you should get out of. can you tell us more about the relationship as a whole?