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riding @goal [258 tokens remaining]
Date: October 27, 2022
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WeekendPussy
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Thank you this is good advice, although she hasn’t mentioned to him that she knows.
You might find someone more suited to you. Love doesn't usually happen between people who have never met in person.
Accept that you abandoned any hope of being able to reconcile with your daughter. There’s nothing you can do at this point. The traumas been set. You robbed this girl of a happy childhood and failed your responsibilities as a parent. I know plenty of people who were younger then you were and in the shittiest of situations but still stepped up to the occasion when parenthood called. Being a bad parent isn’t like other immoral things that can be justified or explained by poor mental health, shitty upbringing, toxic environments, etc.
As someone in a similar position as the girl, honestly there was nothing more I wanted then to be able to forgive my parents when they realized their mistakes. I’ve always wanted nothing more then to have a good relationship with them but the hurt and subsequent resentment would just not go away no matter how hard I tried.
Even after tons of therapy to get over my trauma and me genuinely believing my parents are good people, there’s just something intangible that makes pursuing a future relationship feel impossible.
Go to therapy and try to forgive yourself. Work on improving yourself to be a slightly better person every day and live your life altruistically. Hopefully she’s going to therapy as well and learns to forgive you, not for your sake but hers, and can still live a life as a functioning adult. I’d also advise going out of your way to contact her as that’s probably incredibly triggering. No longer living with you probably drastically improved her quality of life and seeing you on her phone is probably triggering as hell.
Oh my Lanta. Just don’t come to him with your crap. How hard is it to understand.
She even joked about how clueless you were. Dude, that’s your answer. Get an annulment. You’ve been married for only four months and the last three she’s been cheating? She should still be in honeymoon mode. If you forgive, once things cool down, she will cheat again. And this is just what you caught her now. Who knows what she did before the marriage?
Unfortunately the reality of the situation is that he has the legal right to visitation. There are no amount of text messages that are going to get around this. If he wants to be part of their lives he can be and there is relatively nothing that can be done about this. If rapists have the right to see their children then so do dead beat dads.
I just think so many people assume step parenting is the norm, so everyone is OK with it. Well, some of us are not. My bf's kids are grown adults, much closer to my age, so they're obviously never going to see me as mom. And he is simply mom's bf to my kids. They know he's just another adult around, he has no authority, and I expect absolutely no parenting out of him.
It's hard to say, the way her trauma has affected her, she's often doesn't clue in that she's doing things until well after. But what happened with joining her with the psychedelic was way too thought out (perhaps overthought) by the both of us, there's no way she was on autopilot for that. She had suggested the idea of me joining in on a trip the night before – apparently having physical contact while on the stuff can help ground the emotional energy way faster, and make it far easier to regulate the nervous system. We waited until the next day after we had a chance to read through a chapter in a book on the subject to get an idea of what might happen, so it certainly wasn't a spur of the moment, absent minded decision. Plus, as we were reading more and more about the possibility of sexual arousal occurring, she seemed to get even more excited to try it, making lots of flirty comments (“you're going to have a fun time moving me around”). She did not shy away from the fact that her entire body, genitals included, was on the table for physical contact, and that a lot of the sensations we might experience were supposed to be what great sex was like.
I feel like an asshole for saying this, but I've suspected for a while based on things she's said about her past (and to a certain extent she's confirmed) that she's attracted to men to a certain extent, but she closed off that part of herself and retreated into a fully lesbian identity to cope with various sexual, emotional, and physical abuses from her family while growing up. She spent her early life being treated like garbage, and found it easier to survive by resigning herself to being treated as such than stand up for herself. Given her homophobic family, I suspect that included taking all their bigotry, beatings, and molestations, and internalizing it until she “became” the lesbian they despised. She's ultimately the only one who can figure out who she is, but I've seen her go through so many motions and not get anywhere, it's absolutely heartbreaking to watch her when it's so obvious she's not living her authentic self. Regardless of whatever intent she may have for me, I love her deeply – not because of anything potentially sexual or romantic, but because I appreciate and accept her for who she is, and want to see her flourish as she recovers from her past.