You’d have to make that boundary beforehand, not blow up after. If I knew that he wasn’t okay with me showing it (so long as he wasn’t trying to control me) then I would respect it.
Yeah, not sure of anything every time this comes up. Maybe the gift is the straw on the camel's back.
Everyone here wants to point out that I make no accommodation here for my spouse's ADHD, which is as far from true as possible. I do all the things, all the time, and even specifically request items as gifts. So getting zero effort for something that I've pretty much laid out sets me off. In my view, a gift on Christmas, an unmistakable gift-giving holiday on a specific date every year, seems like a no-brainer for some effort to show you care.
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You'll be thinking about her for some time to come, you don't just quit a person from one day to the next. She is processing this in her own way too, not in a great way, but that's no longer your concern.
As I said, with time this will get better and better. It sucks, but breakups take time.
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I don't use reddit much, but I felt like I needed opinions that weren't family or friends, and so this is my very first reddit post.
My BF and I have known each other for a year, and we've been dating for almost 10 months now. He's the first guy I've ever dated. When we first met, I thought he was good-looking, but I wasn't really attracted to him. On the other hand, he started flirting with me right away. I'm not one to fall for looks, and his personality seemed kinda meh, but after a couple of weeks, I saw his genuine effort to get me, and that's what I fell for.
Early on in our relationship, I found out right away that he had anger issues, but this was something I was willing to work with because nobody is perfect, and I believe that a relationship is all about growth. Looking back now, I see that I've accepted a lot of his red flags as just things to help him grow out of.
We were on call recently and he told me that if I ever broke his heart by cheating on him, he would kill me and go to my family's house and burn it down with everyone in it. I asked him if he would still do it knowing my baby niece (whom he is very attached to) was inside, and he said that he would set fire to her as well. He said that he's a psychopath and doesn't care if he murders someone or goes to jail. Actually, this isn't the first time he's told me this, but after this specific time, I just couldn't get it out of my head. It left me very unsettled. I told him that that was wrong and that he was scaring me, and the rest of the conversation went like,
“Well, do you plan on cheating on me?”
“No, of course not”
“Then you have nothing to be scared of”
I felt like I was gaslighted into just accepting this. I mean, he has a point, but I feel like there really is something to be afraid of. The fact that he says he's capable of such things is deeply unsettling for me. It makes me think that he has no respect for me, my family, or human life in general, but this was under the condition that I break his heart by cheating.
I'm not gonna cheat, so I shouldn't be afraid. So I shouldn't be concerned, right? Is this really something to consider breaking up over?
Don't get me wrong, we love each other very much. We are happy, and we aren't abusive to each other, but when it comes to times like this, I find myself wondering if this is really love.
TLDR: My BF said he's capable of killing me and my family if I ever cheat on him, and I'm not going to, but should I be concerned or not?
It's truly something I never saw coming with her. She told me she couldn't imagine life without me the week we broke up, but she hasn't contacted me since. I don't know if she took me blocking her personally, but I hope she percives it as me just trying to move on. My new shift will only be working the same day as her once out of every two weeks, but I'll still see people that are associated with her. It's hard to imagine things going back to normal. I have very few friends at work to begin with.
I'm trying again with counseling. I really really hope there's going to be something open soon because this has been plaguing my mind on a daily basis.
Girl. With the utmost compassion, it’s over. You had good times, you had bad times, you have a whole life ahead of you to find someone else to love. It’s going to hurt for a while but in the long run you will be better off, but you have to accept it and move on. Sometimes two people just aren’t the right fit for each other, it doesn’t make it your fault, or mean there’s anything wrong with you, it just means this wasn’t the right relationship. Also this might not sound appealing right now but take this opportunity to build your self, your life, your non-romantic friendships and relationships, up stronger and better for your own sake, and you will be a better partner in your next relationship and can also find someone who will be a better partner for you. It’s not really healthy to only have one person to talk to…. Not saying this as a flaw but as something to think about and maybe try to reach out or nurture some of your relationships so you do have someone you can confide in. Hang in there! And keep looking forward!
Well TBF they did say they had a different plan first, its not like OP just planned on inconveniencing their dad like that.
But OP’s initial plan is still kinda dumb though, considering they just assumed they would get a ride from coworkers but didnt even think to check the schedule first or even contact the coworkers to see if those coworkers were even at work that day
I never said that's a bad thing, it's a good thing. But she goes around contradicting herself in various comments. Sometimes saying she can contribute financially equally and other times she says she expects him to pay more. So makes no sense.
And her BF was very clear about his expectations on a potential wife earning at least 60k. So both him and OP should've known it wouldn't work out. Major financial incompatibility. They're just postponing the inevitable.
If you don't feel comfortable spending that kind of time and energy with her, then maybe she's not the right girl for you. Why have a girlfriend if you're not going to enjoy being with her?
That's a pretty big age gap between you two. She probably has kids close to your age and treats you like one of them, so i doubt you'll see much sympathy or patience from that one. I wouldn't take this like it's the end of your relationship or like your family is purposely leaving you out though. Sounds like it was a spontaneous call. Your mom obviously thought about you and messaged you. Maybe you can start the chat next time.
Block them and ignore them and report them to someone at the university, if they get you alone they will continue to put you in uncomfortable situations because they know you’re vulnerable.
Start looking online for ways to assert yourself, they’re not entitled to your friendship. They’ve groped you already do you really want to put yourself in a position for them to do that or even worse again?
The comment you replied to of mine has 10 downvotes, but then theres another of mine in here that says basically the same thing and has 14 upvotes instead.
He may have a porn addiction, no different than other behavioural addictions ( gambling, sex, shopping, etc). If he does he needs professional help, psychologist as soon as possible.
So you feel that he should have taken you on this trip after saying in your post that you weren't going to be comfortable learning to ski with the other people going on the trip and that he should have brought you anyway and prioritized your learning to ski. So basically taking you on a trip and spending all of his time seperate from his brother teaching you to ski. Girl I'd leave your ass at home too. Do you even hear yourself? You basically said I know you have a specifically focused trip planned with your brother and his SO, but how about you ditch them so you can watch me fall on my ass and hang out with only me. Prioritize your own learning and let this guy have some time with his brother. You sound so selfish and entitled. Get over yourself
He hasn't spoken to you in months?? Because he a narcissistic POS, he probably thinks that if he gives you this treatment about the texting you won't do it again out of fear he will stop talking to you ??♀️.
Honey I think you need to contact a lawyer and leave, even if they haven't been physical his reaction to the texts would be enough for me and the not talking.
When he sitting down, say you don't want to talk so listen, I'm filing for divorce, this behaviour the not talking is absolutely ridiculous because you got caught doing something inappropriate. I am not putting up with this anymore, I'm exhausted, so go get your sugar mama ?
He will either just ignore you, or flip out saying your over reacting, just stick to your guns
And say we are divorcing, we are divorcing.
Contact lawyer today get the ball rolling. He has zero regard for your feelings. Don'tet him worm he way out of it, divorce and be free, trust me once he gone you will feel so much lighter and not so on edge about everything you say and do
I have asked him because that was the first thing that came to my mind and he said there is no one else at all and this is just strictly something going on within himself.
Yes, of course. This probably has nothing to do with all the people that already told you that you were dating a man child that is only dating a barely teenage woman because you are easy to manipulate and he is unable to be a mature individual. No sir, this has nothing to do with that. This whole situation was completely impossible to avoid had you use a bit of common sense. No no no, dating men way older than you is always such a good idea!
You're right , but we actually both don't drink so that's not the issue. And concerning texting I never mentioned it to him I know he's not obliged to tell me everything, I just mentioned it because when I like someone I tend to not leave them for a long time and I text back immediately that's all .
You're only 5 months in and already arguing for “hours.” You really do know what to do here. You “Know” you can work through all of this “together” but your mental health is declining. You really do know what to do. Don't throw your mental health away on a 5-month person, OP.
Your ex is a female but you married a male. Is it the companionship and intimacy that you are seeking from a female that you miss or just missing the ex? Either way you should let your husband go…whether or not you plan on being with the ex.
Anger is a secondary emotion…. To me sounds like he jealous of you wanting to better yourself. The world doesn’t revolve around him and he’s upset about it. Time to let that go!
What am I doing wrong? My past relationship was loveless and abusive and I wasn't a priority for my ex and it triggers me thinking that I may not be a priority for my fiancé.
History repeating itself is never a good thing and for you OP, history is definitely repeating itself.
What I'm struggling with is the fact that she will end our engagement, future and everything that we've invested in for a phone call with her ex.
And yet here you are again, being prioritised over someone else. I'd call her bluff and call of the engagement and break up with her.
You owe it to yourself and you also owe it to yourself to fix your picker and work out why you keep being attracted to people like your soon to be ex fiance. If you find yourself in the future with someone whose ex is still in their life, walk away and move on.
If you were both virgins going into marriage, neither of you have the virus responsible for HPV. I think you both need some sex ed. maybe look for some books?
That sounds tiresome. It also sounds habitual at this point, like maybe she doesn't realize how all-consuming it has become for her. I would set a boundary and then just stop engaging with her about that topic anytime she brings it up.
“Honey, I love you so much, and I notice that when we are having a conversation, the topic often goes back to your depression and mental health. I love that we can talk about those things, but also I'd really like to have other conversations with you and explore all kinds of other topics, like X, Y, Z, and all kinds of things. Do you think you could be up for that?”
And then enforcing the boundary will look something like this:
“Hey, wait. I noticed the topic just changed to your depression. Actually I just wanted to talk about X. Can we go back to that?”
Tentative plans aren’t plans.
No i wouldn’t comment about it. He’ll eventually see it. He’ll feel too bad if you mention it and it it wouldn’t serve any good purpose
You’d have to make that boundary beforehand, not blow up after. If I knew that he wasn’t okay with me showing it (so long as he wasn’t trying to control me) then I would respect it.
Yeah, not sure of anything every time this comes up. Maybe the gift is the straw on the camel's back.
Everyone here wants to point out that I make no accommodation here for my spouse's ADHD, which is as far from true as possible. I do all the things, all the time, and even specifically request items as gifts. So getting zero effort for something that I've pretty much laid out sets me off. In my view, a gift on Christmas, an unmistakable gift-giving holiday on a specific date every year, seems like a no-brainer for some effort to show you care.
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That's totally fair! I think my partner's autism wouldn't allow any of this to fly and I'd be bluntly called out if I tried lol.
You'll be thinking about her for some time to come, you don't just quit a person from one day to the next. She is processing this in her own way too, not in a great way, but that's no longer your concern.
As I said, with time this will get better and better. It sucks, but breakups take time.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
I don't use reddit much, but I felt like I needed opinions that weren't family or friends, and so this is my very first reddit post.
My BF and I have known each other for a year, and we've been dating for almost 10 months now. He's the first guy I've ever dated. When we first met, I thought he was good-looking, but I wasn't really attracted to him. On the other hand, he started flirting with me right away. I'm not one to fall for looks, and his personality seemed kinda meh, but after a couple of weeks, I saw his genuine effort to get me, and that's what I fell for.
Early on in our relationship, I found out right away that he had anger issues, but this was something I was willing to work with because nobody is perfect, and I believe that a relationship is all about growth. Looking back now, I see that I've accepted a lot of his red flags as just things to help him grow out of.
We were on call recently and he told me that if I ever broke his heart by cheating on him, he would kill me and go to my family's house and burn it down with everyone in it. I asked him if he would still do it knowing my baby niece (whom he is very attached to) was inside, and he said that he would set fire to her as well. He said that he's a psychopath and doesn't care if he murders someone or goes to jail. Actually, this isn't the first time he's told me this, but after this specific time, I just couldn't get it out of my head. It left me very unsettled. I told him that that was wrong and that he was scaring me, and the rest of the conversation went like,
“Well, do you plan on cheating on me?”
“No, of course not”
“Then you have nothing to be scared of”
I felt like I was gaslighted into just accepting this. I mean, he has a point, but I feel like there really is something to be afraid of. The fact that he says he's capable of such things is deeply unsettling for me. It makes me think that he has no respect for me, my family, or human life in general, but this was under the condition that I break his heart by cheating.
I'm not gonna cheat, so I shouldn't be afraid. So I shouldn't be concerned, right? Is this really something to consider breaking up over?
Don't get me wrong, we love each other very much. We are happy, and we aren't abusive to each other, but when it comes to times like this, I find myself wondering if this is really love.
TLDR: My BF said he's capable of killing me and my family if I ever cheat on him, and I'm not going to, but should I be concerned or not?
It's truly something I never saw coming with her. She told me she couldn't imagine life without me the week we broke up, but she hasn't contacted me since. I don't know if she took me blocking her personally, but I hope she percives it as me just trying to move on. My new shift will only be working the same day as her once out of every two weeks, but I'll still see people that are associated with her. It's hard to imagine things going back to normal. I have very few friends at work to begin with.
I'm trying again with counseling. I really really hope there's going to be something open soon because this has been plaguing my mind on a daily basis.
Definitely not. She’s an athlete and getting tested regularly
Girl. With the utmost compassion, it’s over. You had good times, you had bad times, you have a whole life ahead of you to find someone else to love. It’s going to hurt for a while but in the long run you will be better off, but you have to accept it and move on. Sometimes two people just aren’t the right fit for each other, it doesn’t make it your fault, or mean there’s anything wrong with you, it just means this wasn’t the right relationship. Also this might not sound appealing right now but take this opportunity to build your self, your life, your non-romantic friendships and relationships, up stronger and better for your own sake, and you will be a better partner in your next relationship and can also find someone who will be a better partner for you. It’s not really healthy to only have one person to talk to…. Not saying this as a flaw but as something to think about and maybe try to reach out or nurture some of your relationships so you do have someone you can confide in. Hang in there! And keep looking forward!
Well TBF they did say they had a different plan first, its not like OP just planned on inconveniencing their dad like that.
But OP’s initial plan is still kinda dumb though, considering they just assumed they would get a ride from coworkers but didnt even think to check the schedule first or even contact the coworkers to see if those coworkers were even at work that day
I'm dating who I like, Kinda
Not likely. I left the city last year so I would just go to bang it out three or four times. Probably just to stay a day or two; nothing long-term.
I never said that's a bad thing, it's a good thing. But she goes around contradicting herself in various comments. Sometimes saying she can contribute financially equally and other times she says she expects him to pay more. So makes no sense.
And her BF was very clear about his expectations on a potential wife earning at least 60k. So both him and OP should've known it wouldn't work out. Major financial incompatibility. They're just postponing the inevitable.
Someone's ignorant of the “fight, flight, freeze” trauma response. “WhY dOnT pEoPlE jUsT sAy No.” Like… you serious?
If you don't feel comfortable spending that kind of time and energy with her, then maybe she's not the right girl for you. Why have a girlfriend if you're not going to enjoy being with her?
Oh boy, he probably say stuff like “soy boy” and “whipped”. You dodge a bullet babygirl.
I am sincerely happy for you both. My hope is your happiness continues.
What is she gonna do? Have him committed? You can't GET someone help. They have to want it.
That's a pretty big age gap between you two. She probably has kids close to your age and treats you like one of them, so i doubt you'll see much sympathy or patience from that one. I wouldn't take this like it's the end of your relationship or like your family is purposely leaving you out though. Sounds like it was a spontaneous call. Your mom obviously thought about you and messaged you. Maybe you can start the chat next time.
Maybe when you grow up you will stand up for yourself!
Maybe she realizes she can’t do it but she’s been telling everyone she’s gonna be a doctor for years. Could be a whole thing bro.
Block them and ignore them and report them to someone at the university, if they get you alone they will continue to put you in uncomfortable situations because they know you’re vulnerable.
Start looking online for ways to assert yourself, they’re not entitled to your friendship. They’ve groped you already do you really want to put yourself in a position for them to do that or even worse again?
This posts a mixed bag TBH.
The comment you replied to of mine has 10 downvotes, but then theres another of mine in here that says basically the same thing and has 14 upvotes instead.
He may have a porn addiction, no different than other behavioural addictions ( gambling, sex, shopping, etc). If he does he needs professional help, psychologist as soon as possible.
So you feel that he should have taken you on this trip after saying in your post that you weren't going to be comfortable learning to ski with the other people going on the trip and that he should have brought you anyway and prioritized your learning to ski. So basically taking you on a trip and spending all of his time seperate from his brother teaching you to ski. Girl I'd leave your ass at home too. Do you even hear yourself? You basically said I know you have a specifically focused trip planned with your brother and his SO, but how about you ditch them so you can watch me fall on my ass and hang out with only me. Prioritize your own learning and let this guy have some time with his brother. You sound so selfish and entitled. Get over yourself
He hasn't spoken to you in months?? Because he a narcissistic POS, he probably thinks that if he gives you this treatment about the texting you won't do it again out of fear he will stop talking to you ??♀️.
Honey I think you need to contact a lawyer and leave, even if they haven't been physical his reaction to the texts would be enough for me and the not talking.
When he sitting down, say you don't want to talk so listen, I'm filing for divorce, this behaviour the not talking is absolutely ridiculous because you got caught doing something inappropriate. I am not putting up with this anymore, I'm exhausted, so go get your sugar mama ?
He will either just ignore you, or flip out saying your over reacting, just stick to your guns
And say we are divorcing, we are divorcing.
Contact lawyer today get the ball rolling. He has zero regard for your feelings. Don'tet him worm he way out of it, divorce and be free, trust me once he gone you will feel so much lighter and not so on edge about everything you say and do
I have asked him because that was the first thing that came to my mind and he said there is no one else at all and this is just strictly something going on within himself.
This issue is not involving our age gap.
Yes, of course. This probably has nothing to do with all the people that already told you that you were dating a man child that is only dating a barely teenage woman because you are easy to manipulate and he is unable to be a mature individual. No sir, this has nothing to do with that. This whole situation was completely impossible to avoid had you use a bit of common sense. No no no, dating men way older than you is always such a good idea!
She's not low libido, just low libido for YOU. Why are you even still in this marriage?
You're right , but we actually both don't drink so that's not the issue. And concerning texting I never mentioned it to him I know he's not obliged to tell me everything, I just mentioned it because when I like someone I tend to not leave them for a long time and I text back immediately that's all .
You're only 5 months in and already arguing for “hours.” You really do know what to do here. You “Know” you can work through all of this “together” but your mental health is declining. You really do know what to do. Don't throw your mental health away on a 5-month person, OP.
If he wants. Why not?
Happens all the time. Unless they are naked, let it go.
Op you’re defending him in the comments please stop wasting our time if you’re not going to listen or do something
Your ex is a female but you married a male. Is it the companionship and intimacy that you are seeking from a female that you miss or just missing the ex? Either way you should let your husband go…whether or not you plan on being with the ex.
Anger is a secondary emotion…. To me sounds like he jealous of you wanting to better yourself. The world doesn’t revolve around him and he’s upset about it. Time to let that go!
What am I doing wrong? My past relationship was loveless and abusive and I wasn't a priority for my ex and it triggers me thinking that I may not be a priority for my fiancé.
History repeating itself is never a good thing and for you OP, history is definitely repeating itself.
What I'm struggling with is the fact that she will end our engagement, future and everything that we've invested in for a phone call with her ex.
And yet here you are again, being prioritised over someone else. I'd call her bluff and call of the engagement and break up with her.
You owe it to yourself and you also owe it to yourself to fix your picker and work out why you keep being attracted to people like your soon to be ex fiance. If you find yourself in the future with someone whose ex is still in their life, walk away and move on.
If you were both virgins going into marriage, neither of you have the virus responsible for HPV. I think you both need some sex ed. maybe look for some books?
This is what happens when you marry so young.
Checks age Oh shit, I thought you guys were 19 something. Yeah she's mentally still 19.
End the relationship for your son, so that he doesn’t grow up in toxic environment thinking that this is what marriage is supposed to be like.
That sounds tiresome. It also sounds habitual at this point, like maybe she doesn't realize how all-consuming it has become for her. I would set a boundary and then just stop engaging with her about that topic anytime she brings it up.
“Honey, I love you so much, and I notice that when we are having a conversation, the topic often goes back to your depression and mental health. I love that we can talk about those things, but also I'd really like to have other conversations with you and explore all kinds of other topics, like X, Y, Z, and all kinds of things. Do you think you could be up for that?”
And then enforcing the boundary will look something like this:
“Hey, wait. I noticed the topic just changed to your depression. Actually I just wanted to talk about X. Can we go back to that?”