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Samanta-vice69 Public Chat Channel
Date: October 16, 2022
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If you agree to something. And they go against it. That feels pretty much exactly how I would describe cheating…
Ross Geller is typing
Don't move in with him. Don'[t let him stay at your place once you get your own. Do NOT get pregnant.
He isn't fully committed to you.
Proximity clouds your thinking, distance clarifies it.
Your rational mind is telling you this situation is unhealthy. Listen to it.
What do I do here?
Grow up?
You’ve already done everything for her you can. Back off, attend the wedding, wish them well.
I don’t think further talks are helpful; she seems to be using you to talk herself into moving forward.
I mean there are clandestine ways to submarine a wedding, but they aren’t ethical.
Exactly. And dude was right there trying to talk you into it…when she was traveling, there he was. Both of them trying to angle you into them having sex.
You have no idea what happened once that call ended.
Yes.
Commit, or it shows him your boundaries don’t matter and he can continue to abuse you.
Make no mistake: you are in an abusive relationship. Get out. It only goes one way from here, and that’s worse.
Initially, I thought this was something fixable. As more people commented, I realized that there isn't much to do than leave. Honestly don't know why I wanted to play the therapist in this. Thank you for making me change my mind. I won't waste any other second with this guy!
You've been together for a little over a year, are in couples therapy, she lies, and you're in your mid-20s? I think you need to take a huge step back and ask why you're even in this relationship. As someone not in your relationship it sounds like you're fundamentally incompatible and trying to make a square peg fit in a round hole.
You gotta move on. For one I don’t see how distance was an excuse when you worked the same job? You obviously lived somewhat close.
But anyway, clearly there isn’t much too deep there, you haven’t seen her in two years and she’s seeing someone…I mean it’s a wrap. Sure you might have felt really connected like she was the one etc but you gotta move on. She found someone else and you will too.
Luckily it was only 3 months instead of 3 years. End it and move on.
Your boyfriend has taste.
Pregnancy isn’t an excuse for emotional manipulation. Yes her hormones might be fluctuating, but the way she’s expressing it towards her partner is not normal.
Many women deal with this, but most aren’t emotionally abusing their partners like this. This shouldn’t be played off as just pregnancy hormones. It’s manipulative and she’s looking for a reaction from OP.
I just sent him a text telling that I wont be competing with any other girls for his attention.
That's your first thought?
Just break up, you two are a mess.
Hmm… has he seemed unusually stressed out lately? Or maybe he has some kinks or things he’s into that he’s feeling ashamed of/having a hard time approaching you about? He could be embarrassed, or just having performance anxiety all of the sudden even worrying that he isn’t able to satisfy you. Maybe ask him if he’s up for trying something new or if he has anything on his mind that night spice things up for you guys (toys, porn together, role play, etc..)
thats a good one, thank you!
Wow. What an immature wee boy.
Be glad that you asked him to leave – and don't let him back!!!
it is not her body and she should trust her partner to take care of his own issues
Absolutely! So why does she laugh when he tells her about his PE situation instead of encouraging him to seek help and find a solution?
I'd ask her close friends who you can trust that know her well enough or could bring up rings.
Or you could Google ugly engagement ring stories and bring up the story to her to gage what she would want.
Something I’d like to point out, I have recorded her before. There were two instances I recorded her. One time was when she broke the door after slamming it so hard after she emptied a bag of chips onto the floor because I wanted to cut snacking out of our diets. That was a bit on me as I feel like how I worded “I’m trying to cut my snacking to focus on my diet and training at the gym.” Ended up being “I’m trying to cut our snacking to focus on diet and the gym.” I was going to follow up with “I’ll give you some money if you wanna have a secret snack stash somewhere so my dieting doesn’t affect you.” But the damage was already done.
Another occasion was when she drank a whole bottle of wine while celebrating at home her friend saying she’s pregnant. She has gotten very upset at me, to this day I don’t remember what the actual issue was. And decided she was going to drive away. I started recording, and yes it was a little manipulative because she wouldnt listen to me when I told her she couldn’t drive anywhere, so that she wouldnt drive anywhere because she knew I was recording her in her car. She just kept getting out of the car telling me to stop recording. Eventually she gave up and came back inside and passed out.
Both times the argument was the same “Why would you record me. That’s so manipulative and douchey. You’re such an asshole.” With a huge failure to see the big picture here. That she thinks her drinking and what she’s doing when she’s drinking is valid and okay. To add salt to the wound, her friends are supportive of how she acts and treats me when she’s drunk becuase of their “all men are liars and cheaters. Boys will be boys” mentality. We have access to each others phones and I clearly see the mentality these girls have around men. No judgement from me, everyone can lead their own life, but it’s clearly not a good influence.
Now… where does my issue come in?
I truly love and care for this woman and I know who she is on the inside. She’s carrying immense childhood and family trauma topped with excruciating anxiety problems. So it breaks my heart to see this and it breaks me to think that leaving would be the final move before she goes completely off the rails.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I will give advice at the end. Let me tell you why I don’t allow any man to have nudes of me, boyfriend or not. Not saying you haven’t learned your lesson, because by gosh you have.
When I was 18 I sent a photo on Snapchat of my breasts to a guy. This was not even a guy I slept with. I was in an emotional state and had been through some stuff I don’t care to discuss here tonight, but PTSD stuff and fresh after. Point being I was young, hurt, and acting way out of character. So I got drunk one night with my girl friends and one of my friends (not her fault) was sending boob pics to a guy she was dating. I was like whatever I’ll send it to this guy who’s into me. Snap, send. Screenshotted and we talked a bit, sexy and all. I go to bed. A month or two later I was assaulted by a good friend of his. Not a guy I was interested in or anything…we hung out under the pretenses it was a friend hang and we had a lot of mutuals. I trusted him and never saw it coming. I actually had rejected him prior to the assault, as I had NO clue he even was attracted to me.
After the assault, I got a message from him on Twitter at the time. It had nothing but that pic of my breasts I shared with one person. I was like how did you get this? He was like send full body nude in 24 hours or I’ll send this to every single friend of yours on Facebook. I believed it, was in my college class at the time, had a panic attack and went to the police sobbing. I was like I really have never done this please help me. It was one drunk mistake. The guy I sent it to sent it to his friend (the bad guy). I deleted Twitter. He found my tumblr and did that there. I deleted tumblr. This went on, with weird messages, for months. Cops did nothing cause they were like well we can’t track him. ? Lol
I lived in FEAR for a year or two over this one mistake mixed with serious trauma. He never did a thing.
Anyways, that guy was NEVER going to message my family! He was a pansy. It’s all empty threats. He’s a d-bag, do not get me wrong. But reach out to your friends and family? I doubt it.
My advice to you is to tell him it’s not a choice. He will delete them. You demand it. Be stronger than I was. Don’t live in fear for a moment. Shut that shit down and tell him it’s your body and he didn’t “earn” shit. He can’t take from you what’s yours.
I’m not saying one day we both can’t send an nude if we want or have to be reserved, like you do you, but one day a man will be far better to you than that. He will never speak to you like that and a real man deletes a woman’s nudes he is no longer with.
You will be okay and everything will be okay! Revenge porn is illegal. Stand your ground.
know by filming her while we were engaging in sex mentally harmed her and the trust isn't there yet
Wait… what?
Did you film with her knowledge and consent?
I’m a guy and literally same.
I used to be a trainer and my manager always would make weird flirty jokes.
All I had to do to get her to stop was start talking about other girls i was interested in in front of her and she got the hint
Asking for a break does not make you selfish. You are responsible for your own emotional well-being.
Easy – move out.
What's her reasoning?
No matter what you're in a relationship.. The tasks should be split whether you're married or not of you're living together. She seems like hard work.
Let me clarify, I am in no way stating you should get married just to have sex. That rarely ends well. Let’s break this down. You’ve been together for 4 years. You’ve know from the beginning that this is her decision. A little archaic IMO, but to each their own. She’s not budging, and you don’t know what to do because you can’t talk her out of it. Which, why would you try? She’s been honest from the beginning. So you have 2 choices: Marry her or break up. You’ve been together for 4 years. You, at the very least, have an idea if you want a future with her or not.
Date a poor guy and you won’t have to worry about this
Oof. “We’re both in the wrong” is not the take you want here, my dude
Exactly my thought. Like dude! She thought she was getting engaged. Someone at work probably already have her a heads up about the surprise. She was 100% disappointed that it was not engagement. She’s wondering if she wasted the last 3 years of her life. She just had a birthday.
Not once did she apologize to me for her actions or for how she was feeling
Why does your SO have to apologize for feelings, something completely involuntary and out of her control?
No offense but based on your age and the fact that you've been together for a few years, IMO you likely lack the experience to make a comparison between a good vs. bad relationship.
And based on his post and replies, he sounds like an a-hole. Take that as you will.
No offense but based on your age and the fact that you've been together for a few years, IMO you likely lack the experience to make a comparison between a good vs. bad relationship.
And based on his post and replies, he sounds like an a-hole. Take that as you will.
… and you expect him not to be a misogynist?
''In 1996, a man named Mark Gleeson died after he deliberately shoved tampons up his nostrils to cure his snoring problem, caused by an accident which damaged his nose. He suffocated in his sleep because he couldn't breathe through his nose at all. The titles of the news articles are worded in a way they imply that him not being able to breathe through his nose is what caused his death.''
Evidently, not during sleep.
Yeah i am sure as I ended it I felt good when I did it because I knew he wasn't for me emotionally but physically I thought he was beautiful. We get along well as friends hes a good guy, I just didn't want to waste time romantically If I didn't feel we had something between us, he is quite emotionally immature and I need someone who can communicate well so yeah… I'm definitely sure I don't want anything solid with him I just think physically he's exactly what I imagine my dream looking man to look like but I can't figure out why. Looks have never played a huge part in my relationships that's not what I seek. A part of me felt a bit inferior when we dated like I didn't deserve it but now it's casual I feel like that's silly! But yeah i can't work it out
Write down how you feel, what you imagined she'd look like, who she would grow up to be, … Burn this paper carefully, collect the ashes, mix them with soil and pick a plant that's not too high maintenance and will live a long time. For example, a spider plant. If you repot it, don't forget to take a little bit of the original soil mix. Or you can write something new every year.
It's not the same as having her with you, but you'll have a physical reminder to look at and take care of.
i expect from my partners what i give them
I don't want for him to stop seeing his friends. I also don't want to break up. I love him very much. I know that I'm being unreasonable so I've never asked or would ask him to stop seeing his friends. But I still think that sometimes he is acting weird. From what he has told me some of his going outs resemble dates. For example once he told me he wanted to go to a certain place with me. The same night he goes out with his female friend and goes to the place, them bowling then went for hot chocolate. It sounded a lot like a date. But most of the time he doesn't tell me what they do. Like for example I ask how the going out went and he just says fine. But it's possible that he is just bad at communicating.
“No.” Full stop. “I'm not wearing that/doing it that way.” “I like what i wear, don't police my outfits.” Full stop. Leave the room/walk away in the store if need be. He buys you shit you don't want? Return it or give it/throw it away. My husband last year started telling me I looked unprofessional/didn't like what I worse” and I just kind of ignored him/blew him off. Cue him f getting me an ugly bulky cardigan because “he thought I needed one to look nicer” and I finally popped off. Told him I like how I dress, the cardigan was something a grandma would wear and if he loved it so much he could have it. Told him never to buy clothing for me again and that for someone who wanted me to look professional he sure did go to work wearing wrinkled up, sometimes stained clothing pretty frequently and to shut his mouth unless he had something positive to say about my clothes. Since then there was ONE time he started saying something but he stopped himself when I glared at him. He married me, he knows my style, my boss is fine with my clothes, and just because he doesn't like my aesthetic doesn't mean he gets to make me feel bad.
You two were broken up so obviously she can do what she wants while you’re not together.
Having said that, why are you staying in this relationship? Feelings like the ones she had for this guy don’t just turn on and off with the flick of a switch. They are former sexual partners. He has her nudes. They’ve shared that level of intimacy. They aren’t friends man, they’re more than that. Who knows if she would ever cheat, but her saying they’re just friends isn’t true.
You say you have a mutual respect for this guy, even though a friend who respects you wouldn’t mess around with your ex. You say you know for a fact that she would never cheat, but obviously that’s not true because you can’t know something like that on a factual basis. You’re telling yourself lies in order to make yourself comfortable in the relationship, almost like you have no choice to be with her and you’re making the best of it.
I’ll tell you now man, you don’t have to be with her. You don’t have to be with a girl who constantly keeps a guy around who waits in the wings for you two to have relationship issues so he can get his rocks off to her. That’s not a good friend and she’s not respecting your relationship. Why stay?
My advice is to break up for good and find someone who treats a committed relationship the same way you would. When you’re struggling to form an emotional connection to another girl because of the feelings for your GF, and she’s out hooking up with this guy who she keeps around, that just shows you two are on different wavelengths. Find someone who appreciates your dedication and commitment, not someone who treats it casually and convenient in the moment.
That’s lust not love
You don't need to talk to him about “letting” you hang out with people, you need to TELL him you will be hanging out with your friends and then talk out the compromise to make you both comfortable.
You are a whole, independent person and that doesn't change when you get married. You have a partner now, so you talk things out and compromise, but in this case, HE has decided he gets to tell you what to do, and you can simply tell him no.
Tell him you are going to socialize with your friends, even the single ones, and friends are not different than family in terms of socializing. The end. He can then weigh in on what would make him comfortable- not clubbing, communication, etc. – but you can certainly hang out with your friends in the same ways he hangs out with his family- dinner, movies, happy hour, hanging out at their homes, your home- and he doesn't get to just tell you that family is different than friends.
Stand up for yourself, especially before you bring a child in to an unhappy household.
OK, I'm sorry I misinterpreted what you meant by “emotionally driven” within the context of your last fight, after which he changed his mind about moving in. But the rest of my advice stands. Try to accept his decision gracefully and without feeling like it's a personal insult, because it isn't – he's just not ready yet. Keep talking, keep building your relationship, and maybe he'll feel differently about moving in in 2024.
Tell her you will be having a movie date with one of your pretty coworkers and be staying up talking after and not to wait up, oh oops she be with Jim.
5 years later it wouldn’t be considered PPD.
Best advice, direct with love and hit every point. Often this can be a bout with a mild depression, causes us to not keep up. Ask him questions about how he's really feeling since starting the job.
You really need to be straight up about your feelings rather than waiting for the “right time” to broach the topic, the right time to have a hard/confrontational conversation is WHEN THERE IS AN ISSUE. So just tell her you’d like to have a chat when she has the chance and when she has the time to talk, explain this to her, tell her how it makes you feel in no uncertain terms. Wouldn’t it be lovely if you talked it out (and only if you do) then you could invite her without feeling conflicted about it and you guys could have a lovely time and your friendship will be stronger for it
Dude, there are two types of girls in the world. Ones who think its perfectly normal to strip naked and let a bunch of dudes grope them, and ones who don't.
You might want to start looking for the other type of girl….
Seconded.
Marriage is gonna be hella hard if this is how he is. And honestly marriage is hard in general. It's not smooth sailing always and u will get on each others nerves.
For that yall better know how to communicate effectively. And his comments sound very sexist.
Get in line for what and who? I come from an African country married to a traditional african man that knows i am not with that bullshit. If he wanted that i told him to go find someone that will bow down and submit and just be a dutiful little mouse but he got engaged to me so he should know better.
There is a hell of a difference between respectfulness in marrige and being told ur lesser than and tht ur place is xyz simply because you are a female. Men like this don't change those views that quick and it would quickly come bk up as soon as yall are married and especially when kids show up.
You did the right thing. For yourself! Going into a marriage with doubts like this and an unstable foundation isn't gonna make a great partnership rather just a ship sailing towards divorce and unhappiness.
A couple of lessons learned with respect to the confrontation.
1- never reveal your source ( it just teaches them to hide better the next time). Let her wonder if her sexting partner or his spouse contacted you.
2- never reveal how much you know. It gives you control and puts you at a psychological advantage.
3- with respect to a possible attack (violation of privacy), just ignore her. Do not respond. Again you control the confrontation (not her). Nothing is a more powerful put down than dismissing their question as not worthy of a response.
What’s a doula?
I definitely criticize him and I’m sure it contributes to him lying to avoid judgment, especially with something like the fever example. Before we got married, he had never been forced to grow up, take any accountability for his actions, or mature emotionally in any way. I’ve had to guide that process on my own like his personal therapist. In some ways I know that’s normal in a relationship, and in another way I resent him for the level of responsibility he’s put on me to help him grow. He has no skills to examine his own crappy behaviors and try to improve them, like the rest of the adult world does. I feel like I’m carrying both of our emotional weights when I can barely keep myself above water half of the time.
I really appreciate your comment and point of view.
Run away
OK, but you do realize that you ignoring your ex’s lack of consent is just as bad as this guy thinking it’s OK to slap you across the face? Like just because you did, it doesn’t make the behavior OK. You were wrong then, but his guy is pulling your hair and smacking you across the face. Girl why are you clinging so hard to this man? You just started dating him. Two months of dating doesn’t mean you have to put up with a lifetime of your boundaries getting crossed and probably something worse than a slap against your will.
You’re an idiot.
You are about to swerve a bullet.
She’s shown her true self.
I have about twice what you have and I have an 18 year old car. My wife has new cars but we are in our 50s and she works hard, still. I retired v young and it was by far the best decision I ever made.
I’ve seen my kids do everything in their life and both are like my best friends.
Well done and find a compatible person to share your life with. I did and it’s amazing when that person loves you for you and not what materialist things you can buy them.
If you want additional advice feel free to dm.
Oh and one last thing, do a will.
No, he assumed.
Before I give advice, I'd like to confirm something. You say she doesn't argue with you, make you feel guilty, separate you from friends, or manipulate you.
What does she cry about and when? Can you give examples?
This is such a difficult situation for both you and your partner. I’m so sorry. It sounds like you’re trying to be as compassionate as possible, and you’ve done literally everything you can. And now this.
My grandparents were in a similar situation to yours. The details are different, but the financial revelation was almost identical. My grandmother had racked up something like 30,000 USD in debt and had kept it a secret for about 10 years. Like you, my grandfather wanted very badly to keep the relationship together when he found out. He didn’t want to end it. She had a long-term disability that prevented her from working as well.
What ended up happening was that they had a long argument that ended up with him giving the ultimatum: Either I manage the finances alone, or it’s over, because with that kind of debt, practically speaking, it will be over anyway.
I’m not going to say it was easy, but it worked out because they both loved each other very much despite their deep personal flaws. He always used to tell me that he trusted her – and when it came to money, he trusted her to be herself, which is a nice way of saying he knew she lacked the self control to manage it responsibly.
As a kid, I witnessed all this. I used to feel a strong sense of betrayal toward my grandmother for what she had done. But the thing is, she used the money for her family. She didn’t just spend it on expensive handbags, shoes, vacations, stuff like that. She just wanted to contribute more, wanted us to have a better life, and she didn’t know how to do it without going into debt. She was, to this day, one of my favorite human beings. They both were.
So while I know that story is far from identical to the situation you are in, I hope it gives you some solace and makes you realize that you are not alone. Many people would probably tell you to break up given the situation you’re in, and if you do, I wouldn’t blame you. I don’t know the right decision for you. I just wanted to give you a story of how it worked out for one pair of people who found a way forward.
Yeah the dudes a fucking fruit loop and you're wasting your time.
You can and will find better than him, and you also deserve someone who 1) isn't a hypocritical piece of shit who will disrespect you for a consensual act and 2) isn't a fucking nut job.
Don't let it get you down, just take it on the chin (pun intended) and move on.
I’m sorry but I can’t be your transportation. It’s taking time away from my wife who always comes first. And. Grow a spine.
sorry! I was trying to be funny :\
I’m on here for some advice on how to STOP him not make a relationship work with him. Do y’all think I’m stupid?
I'm sorry but yes, a little. You can stop him by not talking to him and blocking him, it sounds that obvious because IT IS obvious. You say you can't just block him because you see him in college, well, talk to him in person and tell him to f*ck off. 'It will be awkward asf' so be it. What do you prefer? This guy pestering you every chance he gets because you won't set boundaries, or feeling 'awkward'? Your friends will understand if they're real friends. Sometimes you can't have both things, and the answer is pretty logical here.
she sends me a long text calling me repulsive, that I’m using her for sex
Ummm
We’ve never had sex.
Ok.
I wanna understand if I’m at the wrong here or if she overreacted.
You're not in the wrong. This situation was entirely of her own making. Be glad you dodged a bullet.
I would certainly be telling her to go and be open legged somewhere else, after that comment.
Unfortunately relief is a long way away, multiple surgeries needed and no surgeon in my state. So I feel like if he is having these thoughts now there's no way he would be able to stick it through years of no sex down the line.
Yeah you are right, I guess he just wants to have his cake and eat it too!