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Date: October 11, 2022
Thank you.
You must dump this guy. I have been in a toxic relationship before and it caused be to lose friends – it was awful. Dump him, get therapy if you can, and try to reconnect with your friends. They might be down to reconnect if you're not with this guy!
Just keep it to yourself.
For one, even if you are most certain. You might still be wrong. There could be something else.
But two, he’s probably sharing to get you excited, but doesn’t want to ruin the surprise.
Your not a liar for not acknowledging it ahead of time.
OP, you know what you need to do.
Enabling her to stay like this will not help her. Reading your post was a big oof because it’s a textbook codependent relationship style.
Her behavior is unacceptable.
If you were a woman with a promising career and had a boyfriend who didn’t work, didn’t do anything, fought her every time she left his sight or “triggered him” by living her life, and treated her so badly she hid her relationship realities from everyone in her life, you would tell her to end things. Doesn’t matter if the guy had a secret heart of gold under all the toxic, exploitative, borderline (or actually abusive) behavior— she should leave and let him sort his life on his own.
Do yourself the same solid as you would tell that woman to do for herself.
Anxious attachment isn’t an excuse for an intractably toxic relationship. Even if “there’s a reason”— ok. Most people who treat their partners terribly, even people who abuse them, have some history or issues they struggle with.
To be clear, I have a close friend with borderline personality disorder. Except for the fact that he always is employed with a roof over his head (even if he hits a snag, gets angry, and quits abruptly to change jobs for no good reason, he’s a hard worker), his behavior is fundamentally similar to what you describe. In his case (and in BPD generally), there are also swings between attacking the people who are about you and idealizing them, and the reasons can be totally inscrutable to people on the outside. Having a mental disorder isn’t an excuse, but he’s smart enough not to date until and unless he takes recovery seriously and gets to a place where he wouldn’t mistreat (and abuse, because what he does is abusive) his potential partner. He already puts his friends and family through enough.
You do not want to enable this behavior. It will not help her.
To be clear, I’ve had mental health issues too. Most people I’ve been close to have had at some point. People do have rough patches. That is a fact. What’s also a fact is that people who are safe and mature partners understand and take seriously addressing their own issues.
They are in therapy. They don’t harass their partners for going for an exam or out with friends just because they’re struggling in their head. They strive— really strive, even when it involves a lot of failing and restarting— to find things they can do for school, work, even volunteering to keep their stability and work on their life. They do not latch on to a partner and leech for dear life, especially not while melting down at them over going out of the house (I would fully consider this emotionally abusive behavior).
Do not date someone who wants you to behave as their parent. That’s your situation. Stop lying to yourself and your friends about your situation.
This is not how she gets better. Whether she accepts it or not, she won’t improve while leeching off someone who enables her to seek a parent instead of a partner. She’s only 23 and needs to grow up, not marry her caretaker.
She probably won’t accept it now. She’ll likely throw a fit when things end like it’s the end of the world. If she’s similar to other people I’ve known with this type of behavior pattern, she may threaten you (suicide, self-harm, “dying” generally, etc) and you’ll have to prepare to call the appropriate welfare/psychiatric authorities and not bend to the threats.
If your heart sinks knowing the next 24 hours will be hell because your partner got triggered over emotions they can’t manage themselves, you are not in a safe relationship. You can’t fix this for her and you do not deserve to be mistreated.
Please seek the resources you need and make a plan to leave safely.
So instead of talking like normal people you served her divorce papers to gauge her reaction? Just get the divorce mate you two clearly aren't cut out for marriage.
Yes, I do still see myself marrying her and having her in my life. Especially since this will be resolved after marriage, it's just that I'm unsure if it could become a bigger problem for me before that happens.
Do you realize he is physically abusing you? That’s in addition to being a controlling asshole.
Of course you can sleep wherever you want. You don't need your parents allowance, you're an adult. They are absolutely out of line.
Why would you want to be friends with someone who doesn’t support your right to exist?
This seems to have hit a personal nerve with you and you're making OP out to be some kind of gold digger when that is not what is happening.
This guy cannot take care of himself. It is not unreasonable for OP to want to date someone who would be an equal partner and not someone who she would have to take care of.
If the lying is unforgivable that is fine but to make her worth linked to her sexual activity is also an issue. It would seem you have a double standard. It was okay for you to explore other options but she had to be devoted to you in order for you to give her another chance. That is fucked up.
This is the problem with many modern relationships today. People think that BLIND trust is what real trust should look like and I don't understand it. There is trusting someone and there is keeping your partner accountable, in fact, I would argue that if you are in a serious relationship with someone with purpose of pursuing marriage, you both should have open access to each other phones.
Now I want to make this clear, I do believe that before even entering a relationship with someone this is something that both parties should discuss beforehand. If one person knows that they want an open phone policy in a relationship and marriage they should make that clear from the beginning, and if the other person says no, they should simply not bother pursuing it further. With that said, I think you both need to revisit or, have this conversation so you can discuss your thoughts on the matter. If you both cannot come to an agreement on this, it's for him to decide if staying with you is best for him in the long term.
For example myself and my fiancée have an open phone policy, and she can take up my phone at anytime to do as she pleases with it and vice versa. It's not about a lack of trust, it's about comfort and accountability and it's something that I think is healthy and should be within any relationship dynamic. For me, I would never stay in a relationship without an open phone policy, after all when we are married she will have even more access even on a legal level to everything I have, so it gets the ball rolling.
Eat that ass
That’s too much of a “Me! My! Don’t!” in this relationship for this age.
You might be right
Thanks for your comments