I think your partner is wonderful in handling your paranoia, and you were smart to just communi your thoughts rationally but you should definitely seek professional help if possible. Paranoia like this usually leads to the relationship breaking
I think you should bring it up if you feel uncomfortable about it, to discuss and solve it if it causes you stress. But in my experience, girls like feeling attractive to other guys, and so long as she isn't responding to his advances, I wouldn't worry about it.
I'm a nurse as well and my bf is a brand new CPA. I work agency and I make more than him, almost double lately.
I would never in a million years make him feel he needs to help w a family expense like this, when he makes less AND i could do it. If he wanted to help, ofc. We are a team. But this makes me hurt for you. I wouldn't expect someone to drain themselves for this. That's his family, not yours. He should front both of your shares or ask you for half of a share, something fair. Good luck!
The feelings will pass, she did toy with you and it was a shitty thing for her to do, give time and work on your self love, it’ll get better over time! I know from my attachment issues that putting that attachment for other people into yourself helps a lot especially in the long run. Maybe try see a therapist about it too?
To be fair, boys and young men are similarly at a completely different life stage to people who've been fully grown adults for more than a decade, but there are far fewer large age gap relationships between college-aged boys and weird older women.
No, it did not happen “in the heat of the moment.”
Many preparations went into it. Plus he's recording it. He did it so that he could reminisce or use it to masturbate in the future. It sounds like someone who's really relishing cheating on you, OP. Loving it actually that he just had to have the recording of it.
I would get tested for STI if I were you, OP. Seeing how easily and casually he does this, it won't be a surprise that this is not his first time cheating on you.
I'm so sorry. You've only been married 10 months. File for divorce as soon as possible, Idk where you live, if you need proof/evidence of indiscretion, just use that recording. Good luck, OP.
As much as she is a gold digger, your dad is a creepy predatory ass hat. This situation isn't just on her, it's mostly on your dad. There is nothing you can do about it so you might as well learn to play nice. Also, hate to break it to you but if you are refusing every invite this woman is giving you then you are actually being rude, she's not wrong on that. Clearly that tactic isn't working so you should go the other way and start inviting her out. Make it clear you are making an effort and see how that goes… At least until you are financially independent.
Though I do kinda like the suggestions about you finding yourself a 50 yo sugar daddy (or an actor to play the part) and bringing him home to dad and seeing how that goes. Show your dad just how creepy af it is for a man his age to date a girl your age.
A part of fully moving past it for me is knowing the details and the honest truth, because over our relationship our communication had been very good, so I'm also just having a hard time wrapping my head around this sudden lack of communication. If it's just erratic behavior or I'm just looking into things too deep then hearing it from people who don't directly know me will help me just drop it. If my thinking is rational I'll just figure it out to be true or not. Another part is my health, like if I have to get tested I will, if I don't I won't because I'm not putting money (that I'm running low on) into something based on a suspicion or someone else's inconsistent behavior.
Definitely talk to her friends to get interested or have them take care her to try on rings. luckily for me I’ve always wanted to try them on and ended up loving a style completely different from the one I originally wanted. It’s a fun and very romantic experience to do with your partner
You’re probably beautiful . Have you ever heard the Sunscreen Song written by Baz Luhrman . It was probably written before you were born but I bet you’ll find it enlightening.
At 18 if my boyfriend did this, wed babe broken up. At 26, if my husband did this, I’d be grossed and disgusted and we’d have several talks about wtf just happened. Butttttttt!!!!! Even without ptsd some people enjoy piss play. You don’t have to accept him and he won’t be alone forever, if this is what he needs. Exploring weird gross things during sex is normal, but only if both people consent. Don’t shame him, but let him know, you’re not in to that type of shit. You also don’t have to forgive him. Or anyone ever. Just do what makes you feel peace.
For me personally this would not be problem if my SO did this, in his sleep or fully awake. It would honestly make me laugh because I would think it's rather funny. But this can differ for each person how they would feel about something like this. For me the difference is the one who is doing it, if it's my partner than no problem, anybody else than hell would break lose.
Sure, it’s risky behavior. That’s why you wrap it up. If you’re going to continue casual dating with sexual contact it’s a good idea to get regularly tested. Sorry to be the one to tell you this.
I don't see anything wrong with not trusting medications, but I do think you'd benefit from some talk therapy. One thing that struck me is you kept mentioning not having any friends. I agree that sounds lonely, but why and how did this happen? Being in a relationship shouldn't prevent people from having outside interests and friends to hang with.
The other issue might be your ages. When people get together at 17, this almost never lasts, because there's so much growing and changing right around the corner. The dynamics that worked at 17 don't work any longer. I mention it because I can see why you're feeling overwhelmed. You don't know adult life without your partner in it, so you have nothing to compare to.
You didn't say anything about talking to your gf, or what you've discussed. I definitely think you want to start there.
Finally, when you say that whatever path you choose can “make or break” you, don't do this to yourself! Life doesn't work that way and you're only 27. This is another area where talk therapy might help. You're allowed to make mistakes, and we all do it. The point is to learn from them.
“When some people meet, it's not the right time for them. It wasn't the right time for me six months ago, but it is now. If you're still available and still interested, would you like to meet up soon?”
You’ve been around the block. Surely you know how to break up with someone. “I’ve met someone else” would work as would the old standby “It’s not you, it’s me.”
Do not fucking do this, of you let him in wearing a clown suit no matter what he will think he won and if you ignore him he will keep doing stupid shit at the wedding. You think he's going to stop at the clown suit? He's going to smash your cake and shit just to get attention. I wouldnt even let him in wearing a suit at this point.
Probably been burned by the “he’s just a friend” act before and are not willing to put themselves in a position for that to happen again. I’d be willing to wager that to most guys hearing “I have a male best friend” is a giant red flag.
Maybe you should encourage her to do some research and talk to people in her field, and not take the responsibility of having to reality check her. I’m sure that if she is not ready yet artistically she will have a hard time finding a tattoo apprenticeship. This might be the wake up call she needs, hearing it from an artist in that field may be who she needs to hear it from. In the meantime, encourage her to practice but remind her that’s only something you can afford to start up from a place of stability; it’s not smart to quit a job without something lined up.
That’s why I wrote all of this out. You didn’t mention that part in the post. You’ve now just said that you’re incompatible. That’s what you need to focus on. You might both be great people handling a break up maturely, but ultimately this was always going to end. Remind yourself of that.
Make a list of every other relationship you have ever had, friends, family. Then start listing every good thing about every single one of them. Eventually you will stop thinking about her so much.
Leave. Cheaters don’t learn if their actions don’t have consequences. I took back my ex after he cheated on me and it did a lot more damage than any good he could ever do.
He wants you to be more confident? Him cheating on you certainly didn’t help that- in fact, it did the exact opposite. How can one tell someone to feel better about themselves if they’re the ones who made you feel shitty to begin with?
Leave, seriously. There are people out there that’ll never make you feel this way. I was in a relationship because for a while I thought it was as good as life would ever get. Once I got out, I truly saw how great and fulfilling life can be as an individual.
My mother went through a nasty bout with her sister after their father died. Her sister kept wanting things, demanding that our parents wanted her to have it. I’m talking in the hospital and my grandfather is still warm when this starts. Luckily for my mother, her name was on everything just as my grandfather wanted and that meant there was no litigation to be had. Keep your name on the accounts, I’d even go as far to make sure you’re the sole executor of the will. As far as listening to anyone try and make the decision for you, just don’t. Just say okay and drop the subject.
Lucky you found out how manipulative he is, only 6 months in. Imagine a lifetime of being trested, then failing over a goalpost you didn't know existed. The only thing you've lost is time and a few feelings. Dump him before you lose more than time and more serious feelings.
There’s porn and there’s leaked and deep fake stuff. Your bf doesn’t care that the porn he specifically searches for isn’t completely consensual. Your bf doesn’t care that the porn he watches upsets you. He promises to change, but doesn’t make an effort to change.
Your bf doesn’t respect those women or you. He just cares about getting his rocks off. It’s up to you if you want to stay with a guy like that.
Same she difference but I was a few years older. He’d never been happy before, you see. My mother got pregnant with us to trap him, you know. He didn’t love her when they got married. She got rid of pictures of my mom’s family and tried to ban me from coming home on the weekends when I went off to college. It was super great for our relationship, especially when he complained nonstop about what basically amounted to her being a particularly immature and selfish person for her age. He now admits she was totally just after money. She also cheated on him a bunch.
You tried to communicate and he gets frustrated. You should stop doing thing for him he’s 25 not 5. Dude waited for you to COME BACK FROM SPRING BREAK TO WASH THE DISHES AND TAKE OUT THE TRASH. YIKES I WOULD OF WALKED OUT OF THE DOOR IF MY SO ASKED ME TO DO THAT. Do you really want to be his maid? Is he that incapable to clean up after himself? He needs to grow up and you need to realize you’re not a maid or his mommy to take care of him.
I have ADHD so cleaning is difficult but guess what I still do.
He is paranoid and insecure, he doesn't trust you. That's a him problem, not a you problem. Also from what I've gathered from your other comments, he is emotionally and verbally abusive. Please, go and find someone that respects and trusts you.
OP in a few months time “my wife went on holiday with a man who said he's in love with her. Now she's coming home late and is ignoring me. I don't understand what's happening. Should I be worried?? I don't think she'd cheat on me. But we haven't had sex in 3 months”
Why on earth are you with someone who refuses to communicate about the very basis of your relationship? What is he bringing to the table, other than disappointment and sadness that is.
Jumping on the I’m proud of you train
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU DUDE! What you did was so hard but you did it!!!!
I think your partner is wonderful in handling your paranoia, and you were smart to just communi your thoughts rationally but you should definitely seek professional help if possible. Paranoia like this usually leads to the relationship breaking
I think you should bring it up if you feel uncomfortable about it, to discuss and solve it if it causes you stress. But in my experience, girls like feeling attractive to other guys, and so long as she isn't responding to his advances, I wouldn't worry about it.
I'm a nurse as well and my bf is a brand new CPA. I work agency and I make more than him, almost double lately.
I would never in a million years make him feel he needs to help w a family expense like this, when he makes less AND i could do it. If he wanted to help, ofc. We are a team. But this makes me hurt for you. I wouldn't expect someone to drain themselves for this. That's his family, not yours. He should front both of your shares or ask you for half of a share, something fair. Good luck!
The feelings will pass, she did toy with you and it was a shitty thing for her to do, give time and work on your self love, it’ll get better over time! I know from my attachment issues that putting that attachment for other people into yourself helps a lot especially in the long run. Maybe try see a therapist about it too?
Why not? Lots of people are mature for their age, as well as some being rather immature. People of all different ages can share similar interests.
To be fair, boys and young men are similarly at a completely different life stage to people who've been fully grown adults for more than a decade, but there are far fewer large age gap relationships between college-aged boys and weird older women.
No, it did not happen “in the heat of the moment.”
Many preparations went into it. Plus he's recording it. He did it so that he could reminisce or use it to masturbate in the future. It sounds like someone who's really relishing cheating on you, OP. Loving it actually that he just had to have the recording of it.
I would get tested for STI if I were you, OP. Seeing how easily and casually he does this, it won't be a surprise that this is not his first time cheating on you.
I'm so sorry. You've only been married 10 months. File for divorce as soon as possible, Idk where you live, if you need proof/evidence of indiscretion, just use that recording. Good luck, OP.
How do you get a panic attack from someone cleaning the freezer?
Delete. Block.
As much as she is a gold digger, your dad is a creepy predatory ass hat. This situation isn't just on her, it's mostly on your dad. There is nothing you can do about it so you might as well learn to play nice. Also, hate to break it to you but if you are refusing every invite this woman is giving you then you are actually being rude, she's not wrong on that. Clearly that tactic isn't working so you should go the other way and start inviting her out. Make it clear you are making an effort and see how that goes… At least until you are financially independent.
Though I do kinda like the suggestions about you finding yourself a 50 yo sugar daddy (or an actor to play the part) and bringing him home to dad and seeing how that goes. Show your dad just how creepy af it is for a man his age to date a girl your age.
A part of fully moving past it for me is knowing the details and the honest truth, because over our relationship our communication had been very good, so I'm also just having a hard time wrapping my head around this sudden lack of communication. If it's just erratic behavior or I'm just looking into things too deep then hearing it from people who don't directly know me will help me just drop it. If my thinking is rational I'll just figure it out to be true or not. Another part is my health, like if I have to get tested I will, if I don't I won't because I'm not putting money (that I'm running low on) into something based on a suspicion or someone else's inconsistent behavior.
Definitely talk to her friends to get interested or have them take care her to try on rings. luckily for me I’ve always wanted to try them on and ended up loving a style completely different from the one I originally wanted. It’s a fun and very romantic experience to do with your partner
Thank you for your honesty, I appreciate it
Learn to cook
You’re probably beautiful . Have you ever heard the Sunscreen Song written by Baz Luhrman . It was probably written before you were born but I bet you’ll find it enlightening.
Some people just don't like crowds. Chill. Nothing is stopping you from staying out with your friends and having fun if he goes home and sleeps
Physically cheating is also often emotionally cheating, as it usually stems from a communication or emotional difficulties in the relationship.
You don't just fuck other people when your love life is super stable.
He physically abused you, lied, and cheated. I HOPE no one else ever “loves” you like he does!
So he has a fetish of hurting you ?
At 18 if my boyfriend did this, wed babe broken up. At 26, if my husband did this, I’d be grossed and disgusted and we’d have several talks about wtf just happened. Butttttttt!!!!! Even without ptsd some people enjoy piss play. You don’t have to accept him and he won’t be alone forever, if this is what he needs. Exploring weird gross things during sex is normal, but only if both people consent. Don’t shame him, but let him know, you’re not in to that type of shit. You also don’t have to forgive him. Or anyone ever. Just do what makes you feel peace.
For me personally this would not be problem if my SO did this, in his sleep or fully awake. It would honestly make me laugh because I would think it's rather funny. But this can differ for each person how they would feel about something like this. For me the difference is the one who is doing it, if it's my partner than no problem, anybody else than hell would break lose.
Sure, it’s risky behavior. That’s why you wrap it up. If you’re going to continue casual dating with sexual contact it’s a good idea to get regularly tested. Sorry to be the one to tell you this.
I don't see anything wrong with not trusting medications, but I do think you'd benefit from some talk therapy. One thing that struck me is you kept mentioning not having any friends. I agree that sounds lonely, but why and how did this happen? Being in a relationship shouldn't prevent people from having outside interests and friends to hang with.
The other issue might be your ages. When people get together at 17, this almost never lasts, because there's so much growing and changing right around the corner. The dynamics that worked at 17 don't work any longer. I mention it because I can see why you're feeling overwhelmed. You don't know adult life without your partner in it, so you have nothing to compare to.
You didn't say anything about talking to your gf, or what you've discussed. I definitely think you want to start there.
Finally, when you say that whatever path you choose can “make or break” you, don't do this to yourself! Life doesn't work that way and you're only 27. This is another area where talk therapy might help. You're allowed to make mistakes, and we all do it. The point is to learn from them.
“When some people meet, it's not the right time for them. It wasn't the right time for me six months ago, but it is now. If you're still available and still interested, would you like to meet up soon?”
He told you his dealbreakers. Stop trying to change him. Leave if you can’t accept it.
You’ve been around the block. Surely you know how to break up with someone. “I’ve met someone else” would work as would the old standby “It’s not you, it’s me.”
This isn’t difficult.
Thank you. Maybe that was the “pushing the idol down from its pedestal” with a spade that OP needed so badly.
He idolized her. Which didn't do him much good.
oh ok u should deffo dump him then, he maybe thought he could change ur mind on BJ's, there's still men who will be fine with not getting heads
Do not fucking do this, of you let him in wearing a clown suit no matter what he will think he won and if you ignore him he will keep doing stupid shit at the wedding. You think he's going to stop at the clown suit? He's going to smash your cake and shit just to get attention. I wouldnt even let him in wearing a suit at this point.
You are getting downvoted but I understand.
This is totally new information for you. You fucking TRUSTED this man.
And now you know what he was really up to, so now you know you have to end it.
I’m not going to lie, that’s going to hurt. Do you have anyone who you are close to who might support you and help you get out?
Probably been burned by the “he’s just a friend” act before and are not willing to put themselves in a position for that to happen again. I’d be willing to wager that to most guys hearing “I have a male best friend” is a giant red flag.
Maybe you should encourage her to do some research and talk to people in her field, and not take the responsibility of having to reality check her. I’m sure that if she is not ready yet artistically she will have a hard time finding a tattoo apprenticeship. This might be the wake up call she needs, hearing it from an artist in that field may be who she needs to hear it from. In the meantime, encourage her to practice but remind her that’s only something you can afford to start up from a place of stability; it’s not smart to quit a job without something lined up.
if Sami divorces Tom, mark wouldn’t have a problem with the friendship? Does he have a problem with toms affairs or is he Turing a blind eye to that?
That’s why I wrote all of this out. You didn’t mention that part in the post. You’ve now just said that you’re incompatible. That’s what you need to focus on. You might both be great people handling a break up maturely, but ultimately this was always going to end. Remind yourself of that.
Why is your family apparently saying things about him that he believes are insulting?
Make a list of every other relationship you have ever had, friends, family. Then start listing every good thing about every single one of them. Eventually you will stop thinking about her so much.
I stopped reading after “cheating on me.”
Leave. Cheaters don’t learn if their actions don’t have consequences. I took back my ex after he cheated on me and it did a lot more damage than any good he could ever do.
He wants you to be more confident? Him cheating on you certainly didn’t help that- in fact, it did the exact opposite. How can one tell someone to feel better about themselves if they’re the ones who made you feel shitty to begin with?
Leave, seriously. There are people out there that’ll never make you feel this way. I was in a relationship because for a while I thought it was as good as life would ever get. Once I got out, I truly saw how great and fulfilling life can be as an individual.
Best of luck
My mother went through a nasty bout with her sister after their father died. Her sister kept wanting things, demanding that our parents wanted her to have it. I’m talking in the hospital and my grandfather is still warm when this starts. Luckily for my mother, her name was on everything just as my grandfather wanted and that meant there was no litigation to be had. Keep your name on the accounts, I’d even go as far to make sure you’re the sole executor of the will. As far as listening to anyone try and make the decision for you, just don’t. Just say okay and drop the subject.
Lucky you found out how manipulative he is, only 6 months in. Imagine a lifetime of being trested, then failing over a goalpost you didn't know existed. The only thing you've lost is time and a few feelings. Dump him before you lose more than time and more serious feelings.
Well it proves that you're unable to safety have a friendship with a female because there was more to that “friendship”
There’s porn and there’s leaked and deep fake stuff. Your bf doesn’t care that the porn he specifically searches for isn’t completely consensual. Your bf doesn’t care that the porn he watches upsets you. He promises to change, but doesn’t make an effort to change.
Your bf doesn’t respect those women or you. He just cares about getting his rocks off. It’s up to you if you want to stay with a guy like that.
Same she difference but I was a few years older. He’d never been happy before, you see. My mother got pregnant with us to trap him, you know. He didn’t love her when they got married. She got rid of pictures of my mom’s family and tried to ban me from coming home on the weekends when I went off to college. It was super great for our relationship, especially when he complained nonstop about what basically amounted to her being a particularly immature and selfish person for her age. He now admits she was totally just after money. She also cheated on him a bunch.
Cuz if you do too good you'll realize you're better than he is. If he can keep you down he can keep you.
You tried to communicate and he gets frustrated. You should stop doing thing for him he’s 25 not 5. Dude waited for you to COME BACK FROM SPRING BREAK TO WASH THE DISHES AND TAKE OUT THE TRASH. YIKES I WOULD OF WALKED OUT OF THE DOOR IF MY SO ASKED ME TO DO THAT. Do you really want to be his maid? Is he that incapable to clean up after himself? He needs to grow up and you need to realize you’re not a maid or his mommy to take care of him.
I have ADHD so cleaning is difficult but guess what I still do.
Let her make the arrangements. I would move on to the next option.
He is paranoid and insecure, he doesn't trust you. That's a him problem, not a you problem. Also from what I've gathered from your other comments, he is emotionally and verbally abusive. Please, go and find someone that respects and trusts you.
I’m sorry sweetie, no advice but take care of yourself for the next 3-5 business days…..
Get the test, and break up with him.
OP in a few months time “my wife went on holiday with a man who said he's in love with her. Now she's coming home late and is ignoring me. I don't understand what's happening. Should I be worried?? I don't think she'd cheat on me. But we haven't had sex in 3 months”
Ask her how she would feel if the same thing happened to you
Why on earth are you with someone who refuses to communicate about the very basis of your relationship? What is he bringing to the table, other than disappointment and sadness that is.