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Luna<3, 19 y.o.
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Date: September 26, 2022
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I got stuck at 'fiance', 8 years, and 2 children.
How committed is he really? To father two kids with a woman and still not marry her is a HUGE red flag.
So you've bankrolled her for about 20 months while she's done nothing and now she's demanding you commit to her by putting a kid into the mix? Why are you even considering this? Kick her out.
sorry half of the post did not pose
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Your ex has autonomy of her own sexual decisions, my man. She’s not a restroom stall with “Ted was here 2020” etched into it.
That said, your friend is being forth right by coming to you. You can respect it and move on. Or— stop being friends.
But you’re not going to be able to dictate their decisions. Tis out of your control
If I’m answering honestly, no. There was a very tragic death in the family 4 months ago, in which he’s been suffering from grief and anxiety- which excuses some behavior such as us living with family and neither of us having employment currently. But playing video games all night and sleeping all day does have no excuse. It “relieves stress” apparently.
I think you have to write this oddessey, because you have already capitulated one too many times, now it's not questioned anymore, or you are gaslight into calling her “a psychopath” for pointing out her behaviour which I do think is not acceptable. For example, this really stood out to me;
“what she’s currently going through/excusing her behaviour when talking to friends about our conflicts”
So that's a big no no. She should keep your situations, your struggles between you and her unless absolutely nessecary.
Then you noted you needed a counsellor, to get to a stage where you could… go and achieve a big dream (did I get this wrong!?);
“Everything revolving my desire, and ultimately decision, to go abroad for a time and our inability to communicate about it, resulted in our seeking out a couples therapist. “
Be honest on this part, have you even enjoyed your exchange? Have you felt constantly beat down, worried, stressed about what “she thinks”? I'm going to hazzard a “yes” here. That isn't your fault. That was set up from the beginning, the “counselling” needed to get to the point where you can go on a 5 month exchange… mad.
You are walking on eggshells here; You are either supported in what you do in life (within reason of course) or you are not. A good relationship raises you up, not tears you down. At the heart of all of this (I think) is the “how we met”. You are not those people anymore. You are either going to move past your demons, or they will tear you both apart. From what I read here, the demons are a “fallback” for her, and possibly you. A 5 month exchange should have been a fantastic opportunity, but you where clawed back with “I can't leave her this thing happened and….x…y….z”.
I would suggest you go back to your exchange, she attend individual therapy, and you both say this is a line you will draw in the sand, or it's over.
Okay and? That's how fantasies work.
As someone with a sister who is disabled and has dealt with the social security system here in America, let me say:
Yes. That's how it works. If they didn't lie, you'd just get that 500 dollars less. Let me explain.
So right now, the system pays 1200 CAD a month for you. Your parents take 500 CAD, correct? You are left with 700 CAD. That's the monthly expenses they assume everything not room+board would cost you.
If you moved out on your own, you'd still get 1200 CAD, but you'd need to pay for everything out of that 1200 CAD. As someone who has worked within this system– that is definitely not going to be enough for you to afford everything a month.
Now, let's say they didn't lie. They said you were living with them. You'd only have 700 CAD a month.
So they aren't actually taking anything from you. They are using the money the government would be paying if you lived on your own to go towards the groceries and utilities and the room that you have in their house.
You could try to move out and use all the money to provide for yourself.
Honestly neither of you are handling this well. It’s entirely possible he’s being shady but it’s also possible he thought it was going to be just the firefighters or that he wanted to hang out with his friends without you, which is OKAY. You guys should have your own friend groups that you spend time with without the other, that is healthy. He certainly isn’t communicating well if that’s what he’s trying to do, don’t get me wrong, it’s just not automatically “well if he doesn’t want me there it’s because he’s cheating.” (The stuff about the girl on Instagram is BS though)
Also it’s one thing to tell your partner you’re upset and need some time to process, that can be healthy. That’s not what you’re doing though. You’re giving him the silent treatment without explanation, that’s definitely more toxic.
You both sound immature and you both really need to work on your communication. This relationship is going to be miserable otherwise.
Thanks for the advice.
Oh I cencored bc I thought reddit might take the post down. I opened a reddit account just to write this post so I don't know much about the cencorship policy here. But I can say that I have a very low sex drive compared to him, so you're right about that part.
i think it's dangerous to touch her again, she might to the exact same thing and like men is easier to accuse than women after all.
It probably depends on the type of man. Some men marry for convenience, just as some women do. Some men marry for love, just as some women do. Some men marry out of societal pressure, just as some women do.
What would you want done if this was you.
it's already been said that you leave and I agree
What I want to do is help you understand that situation. Your BF heard you and didn't care. He wanted to do it and figured he better do it now then try and make excuses afterwards
I can tell you he heard you because I was with my first gf and we were going at it and she asked me to stop and so I did. I have always heard my partner. Being with someone sexually should include listening to each other.
So two choices he saw you as a thing a toy no different than a vibrator. Or he decided that he was going to do it against your wishes.
Personally I would go to the police with it but please if nothing else drop this guy.
He doesn't respect your decisions and will abuse you to get what he wants
Block her and move on .
i mean sex is scary i get it just try to learn how to verbalize what ur feeling!
I have. I dated him when I was in college for a couple sexless months. I broke up with him after flat out telling him “if this is how it’s gonna be, I can’t stay with you. I could maybe learn to compromise with less, but I can’t work with none”
I was 18 and thought something was wrong with me cause I had the same mindset as you, what man doesn’t EVER want to have sex?!
Men who eschew all sex do exist, it’s just not that common in my experience. It’s more common to find both men and women who want sex very infrequently.
She's for the streets man, you know you know this. Never put up with it. Not when you're 18 not when you're 40. You won't respect yourself if you tolerate intolerable behavior. If you can't respect yourself, no one else will.
You are allowed to judge him. We judge people all the time. I think he has excused his actions and is defensive about it, which are definitely good traits in a potential partner.
I’m not sure what you were expecting when you married an anal rapist?
I see ?? thanks