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Date: October 21, 2022
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This!! ??
Also, if OP is kind of a victim of her family, she shouldn't make her husband a victim too. She should protect him from that influence.
If therapy is an available thing, i think talking about it with a professional would be beneficial for OP.
Manipulative/abusive ex’s have done this before to try to break people up or push them away.
You know. We good people of reddit can give all the advice in the world. But at the end of the day, the only thing that’s going to matter is how you feel.
Yes I think he’s an asshole for lying. And I’d definitely put in a boundary that if he ever lies to you again it’s done.
I can also understand why he’d lie even if I don’t agree with it.
If you’re satisfied you’ve got the full truth out of him now then listen to your heart as to whether it’s something you can get over or not. Get individual and/or couples counselling if you think it’ll help you reach a decision. Take your time, it’s not a race. But if after a while you realise that it’s something that you’re never going to get over then be honest with yourself and with him, end it so you can both heal and move on.
On the other hand, If you find over time that it no longer bothers you and your relationship is better than ever, then great! Hopefully it’ll be a long and happy union. Whichever way it goes down, all the best OP.
“Show me some respect please”
– The person who is showing you none.
I'd definitely find a way to tell the guy she's seeing. You'll lose some friends that aren't her over this, but I would think people who would side with someone who used you to cheat on her BF with, and then tried to pressure you into keeping it a secret, probably aren't the kind of friends you want.
Tell her you're putting a firm boundary in place that you won't tolerate any sort of gay jokes in your presence.
It isn't even about wanting to date her. He's upset because she pretended she liked him just to test to see if what she heard about him was true. She manipulated him and used him as basically a human dildo. Then she has the balls to tell him how she just used him, and insists on secrecy and for him to “show her respect”.
Also, I'm sure this happens to women all the time. And guess what, women talk about it with each other and dudes like that start to get a reputation. But it's pretty rare for someone to use you for sex, then they openly tell you about it right after. This girl is straight up trash.
Don't feel too bad op, you dodged a whole missile here.
I mean he definitely is more gross, but yes both are
By not talking to her NOW and setting your boundaries, you are setting yourself up for the same thing. After she throws herself at him harder and harder and maybe is finally successful, you'll be saying the same thing about not having talked to her immediately and shutting her down, but it will be too late. Don't be cowardly, and let her keep seducing him because that is exactly what she's doing.
Oh ok well she obviously has zero respect for you or your relationship. At least you’ve established that. Just break up or downgrade her to fwb without telling her. Start interviewing for her replacement asap. But after reading hundreds of stories in here just like this, it doesn’t seem like anybody has a spine now days. Most will cry, moan and whine but not listen to the advice they posted for.
Yeah, if a lawyer told me not to talk to my kid I would tell them to get bent, not ignore my kid for 3 freakin’ years. Get real.
If he asked you out, either he should have paid, or at least discussed splitting it as part of setting up a date. Without prior arrangement, splitting seems fit here because he asks you out (his part) and you chose the restaurant (your part, which effectively sets a price point on the date expense).
Ok 1 I didn’t ask and 2 If you have been raped you would feel more victim empathy, not less. Please lol. Very ironic on the being a joke bit. With every response you sound rapier and rapier. He admitted to being a rapist. Doesn’t mean he should go to jail in the context it’s in, but he still hurt and traumatized another human. You should know what that’s like, right? As a victim of SA myself, I understand why the ex feels the way she does and op should feel like shit for it.
Have you sought medical assistance with this issue?
I think that having open and honest conversations with your partners about your sleep issues is important. As another user suggested, perhaps try sleeping in another room if your partner is not comfortable with the possibility of you attempting to have sex with them while they're sleeping.
Does your condition cause you to become violent and/or not accept no as a response? If so, I think you're beyond the scope of what help a Reddit user can provide.
Slowly but surely getting stronger every day!
Pretty sure we can all tell that no one needs your brand of energy.
?be strong
‘I’m not really the murdering type’ – guy who only murdered one person
I definitely need help in this. She will say that I am being rude when I am expressing my feelings towards our relationship and how I wish she would put in more effort and then she’s like you know what I gotta go. Is she being manipulative?
OP – one thing you have to understand is that depending on where you are physically, because you are now married that you may be held liable for any debts she incurs in the event of a divorce of separation.
That you have separate finances is the one thing that may save you in the event of divorce however that is something that you may wish to get legal advice on.
Another thing to consider is that if she has lied openly to you about the debt that you know about, you may be completely in the dark as to the true state of her finances. In all honesty, after taxes $20k per annum is not a lot and even spending $200 a week will drain her incoming money. If she is spending “It's hundreds of dollars per month.” then you can be guaranteed that she is funding the shortfall via debt.
She claims she makes above the minimum payments and that's good enough. She gets mad when I want to see the statements.
In your whole post, this is the comment that rings my alarm bells the most. She is hiding debt and it could be way beyond what you think it is and it could be huge. Her claim to make minimum payments is BS though as she wouldn't be able to spend hundreds per month whilst meeting minimum payments. Even a $5k CC debt's minimum monthly would blow her earnings easily (this would be around $250 per month).
If you want a starting point you need to get an idea as to what her actual debt is looking like. It may shock you as to how much debt she is in hence why she is so against you knowing.
You may not have been groomed, but he chose someone 12 years younger because he knew women his own age wouldn’t put up with his shit.
She’s giving your kids an unhealthy relationship with food, tell her sorry but she needs to gtfo of your home bc your children are now scared of her. Why would she even offer her food card? To me it sounds like it was a power move to exert her nonexistent control over your family. Your husband or you need to kick her out. She shouldn’t act like that around her grandchildren
He will always move the goal posts. He will always treat you as less than.
You've fallen for another abuser. One who financially and emotionally abuses you. One who has wasted years of your life planning around a future he knew was a lie.
maybe namecalling and insulting people is not a great strategy for getting them to accept your advice… you just come across as a bitter, angry redditor.
spending time with my kids is the highlight of my every day.
No, if I got hit by a bus, my wife has several friends and relatives that live nearby. She also has her own income. You wouldn't have those things.
He has made biphobic comments to me in the past.
a lot of people have issue with finding comfort in discomfort.
Watching it is supporting it.
BDSM is usually about hating the opposite sex and dishing out some punishment to act out your revenge (for whatever reasons, usually a bad past experience that can be from past lovers or parents). Or they're so used to being abused by the opposite sex that that's all that feels right. Either way it's gross and harmful in the long run.
It is definitely unhealthy as a mental state. I would advise all healthy people to avoid it and those who enjoy it.
You are worth everything, I'm not sure your husband knows this or understands it. You are no more than a toy to him. He thinks he just has to ease you in to how he likes it.
Yep I was going to say this. Totally different drugs. I also somehow never got a comedown from MDMA. Back in the day I loved it honestly. Some people's brain chemistry works really well with uppers and some people's doesn't.
They stay in different cities
'Why don't YOU put some makeup up on? It'll cover up your resting bitch face.'
I have two tweens and two young adults. I have been in therapy basically my entire life and also since the divorce. The crying started on Christmas. Thank you for the ideas ??
You can tell him But it doesn’t sound like he cares. Until he realizes his attendance is why he will never do more than struggle, you are fighting an uphill battle. You have to decide if you can live with this. I could not.
Some NSFW areas:
Porn – views, feelings and opinions. Sharing or viewing it together. The use of. Purchasing it e.g. Only Friends, camgirls, following on Instagram etc, what sort of interaction (if any) is allowed.
Sex – expected frequency. Masturbation – to do or not to do. Opinions about sex toys. Boundaries – sex acts that will definitely not be tried. Maybe do Mojo Upgrade together to start some conversations.
Just do another paternity test… Somehow I feel like the results will be the same. Something doesn’t add up here
Police can't do anything because most of these scammers are in other countries. I have a buddy who went thru this and they could do nothing
Sooo many red flags.. HE manages your time? Let me guess, you ALWAYS do what HE wants to do, right? Has he been distancing you from your friends? And what do you mean by “budgets my money”? Does he take your money and give you what you need only for stuff he approves of? all of this is abusive behavior. Please tell me you don't live together. My advice? Cut your losses NOW while you're not bound to him..
He will find someone who will let his baby have his last name and she can find someone who is okay with the double barrel thingy. Simples. His suggestions are simple, his last name or bust.
Tell him the definition of ‘compromise’ isn’t what he thinks it’s means. Sounds like he doesn’t want a compromise, and he’s asking you to acquiesce to what he wants instead.
what happens if you guys break up and aren’t on good term? it’s going to create a shit ton of issues when you’re trying to sign your child up for school or deal with medical issues when you and the child don’t have matching last names and he does.
i would tell him unless you guys are MARRIED, he’s not entitled to give the baby his last name, either have hyphenated last names or marriage that should be the compromise lol
Thanks – I just added clarification that goes well with what you're saying. I am really rubbed the wrong way by how OP describes her daughter.
The googlenet tells me getting pregnant while on the pill and using a condom leaves a 1.6% chance of getting pregnant in a given year. Getting pregnant twice in 2 years should bring the probability down to around 0.025%. At any age, that seems preposterous. Now, what exactly do I need to do to get you to stop riding me, babe?
The age gap is only an issue if you make it one. You thought she was older, you aren’t preying on her or looking for a power imbalance, so what’s the issue?
I refuse to be around the nutcase. If husband wants to see her fine. Tell him no more that away there won’t be anymore additions to the list.
I got pregnant twice while I had an IUD. Lost both pregnancies.
Whoa Nellie!
Him saying “only 5 years” left a bad taste in my mouth.
i appreciate you ❤️
It's a compliment…like a porcelain doll…beautiful ,pure and innocent. Just using that as an example.
The thought of losing him was too much for me , I’m not an abuser, he’s my everything
The thought of losing him was too much for me , I’m not an abuser, he’s my everything
You feel violated because you were! She didn’t simply disrespect your boundaries, she sexual assaulted you.
Just because you had an erection and initially consented doesn’t mean she gets to hop on and keep riding you when you’re visibly distressed, try to push her off, and ask her to stop.
She put you at risk of pregnancy and STI’s without your consent.
Stop hooking up with her and make it very clear that you never want to see her again because she sexually assaulted you.
When you meet the next person, make sure you set a boundary upfront that you refuse to have sex without a condom, if they disagree or try to convince you otherwise don’t bother moving forward with them.
So stop smoking PERMANENTLY. Brush your teeth, use mouthwash, & wash your clothes.
If I do that he gonna leave or worse he will tell everyone we both work in same office
Is it somehow more morbid than keeping their ashes?
Leave. She’ll get over it. She’s 18 and so are you. Still sucks but the right thing to do. The end.
We had been together for around 7 months
You have to walk a fine line between giving your GF too much attention and giving her too little attention
You'll need to factor in aftercare with your GF to reconnect as a couple and reassure her that she is the one you want, not the other girl.
I said this on another post but we are actually on the same page about marriage! I was just curious about other peoples opinions. You’re totally right though
Why are you still with her? She tramples your boundaries and opinions like a stampeding herd. She is showing you who she is. And if I had to guess, she still has someone she hooks up with. She is playing you like a fiddle.
Has he done anything that makes you think this was a sexual meet up? Aside from his major. This could have been a study group.
nah im the curious one about what makes you think that not being equal means that one of us is better than the other? like who put those thoughts into your head?
hmmm I guess because that's the only thing being equal in a relationship implies to me. That both partners value and respect each other equally. You had replied a couple comments ago:
what makes you think that i see them as equal? the reason why i don't get attracted to men my age is because I DO see them as equals
That's what I'm trying to wrap my head around. I thought you meant you see men your own age as equals, which is why you prefer older men (implying older men are different and better). Am I understanding that correctly? What did you mean by that?
It’s pretty normal for someone with no experience to feel insecure when dealing with someone who has more than them. That’s literally why I wanted a partner with a similar level of experience but he lied to me in the beginning
If your boyfriend would leave you over a hair color and style he's not a very good boyfriend
I couldn’t find the word immature in my mind while I was typing this, i am really upset that she is acting so immaturely, I am at a loss on what to do and overthinking has taken over me. Do I have the right to be upset about this? I know that if I will be upset and share how I felt the past 24 hours it will be turned around me and she will get upset about how I am upset with her
I might be misreading it but “he put it away” implied to me that he pulled it out?
If that’s not the case then I absolutely agree with you, he didn’t do anything wrong.
She isn’t an angel OP. Take off your rose colored glasses. Remove her from the pedestal you’ve placed her on and hold her accountable along with the friend.
She CHOSE to be naked in front of your friend. When in doubt there is no doubt. I’d just assume they’re banging and called it a day.
Could always go find the guy and ask to see his texts with your wife.
Serious question: why can’t you have two dances? Like there is literally no rule saying you can’t cherish and celebrate two dads. If I saw that at a wedding, I would think it would be so sweet.
Too long to read but here’s an easy but scary solution. Leave your current guy and be with your coworker. Problem solved. Some things don’t need to be complicated
There is no advice to give in this situation. You can try whatever but it’s ultimately her choice to bring you back around in her life. I can’t say that I blame her for cutting you off cause yikes
When you need to use a technicality to fuck someone else, you are not that committed….
I appreciate your comment. I need to put my husband first. I really don't want an open marriage or lose my husband over this.
Your first paragraph says it all. Nothing further is needed after that. Decision has been made. Mom has no say in this. Your husband has reassured you.
Everyone’s life is different. Some husbands are terrible and cheat on their wives due to infertility. Some horrible wives cheat on their infertile husbands. Some people live very happy child free lives and others don’t. Human experiences differ.
You know your husband better than we do. If you think he’s the type of man who would do that to you, I have to ask why did you marry him? If you don’t think he’s that type of guy, why would you let your mother tell you differently?
Same with Asians. I grew up being taught my features were ugly, and that was racist. Now if someone thinks we’re attractive, that’s racist too. Like it’s just not possible to legitimately find an Asian attractive unless there’s something wrong.
Thank you for your response.
This is what I was afraid of from the beginning. I don’t know what kind of wrap that poly gets around most parts, but I do remember what it was like to be immensely jealous, easily-triggered abandonment issues, all the fun stuff. Thus the reason I wanted to talk about it so extensively BEFORE getting together.
It is sort of starting to feel like they are simply going along with it to appease me, and I don’t like that. I’ve been seeing not-so-subtle hints of codependency as well.
I guess we need to have a very direct and serious discussion about what we want out of a relationship and go from there. Man, this stinks.
Thank you again ?
“It doesn’t feel safe to invest in this winery with you but I have no problem pulling the investment out from under you if/when you can’t afford it.”
Your plan will 100% blow up your relationship
His reaction to you changing your mind indicates to me that hes already cheated prior to asking about an open relationship. Good luck.
The trust is gone. You long for something you'll never get back – and that's the relationship you had before you were cheated on. Everyone takes time to heal after a breakup – particularly if it was a marriage and the person you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with betrayed you.
Your ex didn't even volunteer the information. She lied to your face right to the bitter end – and only conceded when confronted with unquestionable evidence. There's no coming back from that imo. If you take her back; you won't be happy either. You're better to invest that energy in moving on and filling your time with hobbies / friends / anything to take your mind off her.
Your request to have some space should be extend indefinitely. Sorry for your lost. She has internal issues, lying and baiting, that she has to work through and you're in no condition to help her with what you're currently going through with the lost of your dad. Sometimes, the red flags review itself and we mustn't ignore them because of the distractions in our own life. Think about it, if the situation were different, then her lies would have been the catalyst that create even more problems between you and your dad. What greater reason to terminate the relationship than that? Who else will she be using to generate more discourses between you and them for whatever reasons she may have? Just be straight and don't think too much. Tell her “My dad passed away xx day. You're liar and manipulator. Good bye.” then move on.
Interesting. I hadn’t considered asking to talk outside of work. That’s a great idea. Thank you for your response.
I think he was trying to impress and mystify me! It worked! But I was still so sad cos I’d love to have been able to offer him that same feeling of magic and wizardry!
i’m here after the final edits and i’m sorry OP 🙁 my guess is they were setting it up so she’s the saint that had to leave her degenerate husband and Mark was there to help her through this awful time instead of the person having an affair, betraying her husband and hurting her children.
There are a bunch of funguses that could be the cause. My brother in law worked on his feet all day and they got spongey and he had to take meds for awhile and follow a bunch of protocols.
Why not ask her? Just send a text “hey, if you’re not feeling things that’s okay. I was just wondering if there was anything I did or said that made you uncomfortable”
I was in that situation from 2008 – 2010 I couldn't get over it while living in the same house. If you can get therapy, I took too long to do it and since I couldn't move out I got depressed. Avoid contact, stay away as much as you can.
people say what they want to say when they’re drunk
Many people say this, but this isn’t true. In this case, she obviously has a drinking issue & was doing some more self destructive drunk babbling.
She did nothing wrong. I get how you still feel bummed, but that’s just pride fuckin with you. You got her, it’s been a year since. A lot of people monkey branch and flirt around and hedge their bets after getting out of relationships and even while new ones are forming before they’re official.
I had 3 drinks and a shot. It was not my plan to get blackout drunk. I guess it's cause I hadn't drank in a while I didn't know what my tolerance was at, along with mixing liquor, granted I know that is not an excuse
You’re welcome. I truly don’t understand the crap you’re getting for daring to still have a place in your heart for your husband. ??♂️
Are you upset he doesn't have money or worried he is hiding a propensity to get into debt?
It's normal to airbrush your finances a bit when attracting a partner, particularly if you've been through a divorce, which is financially bruising for most men. A lot of women are quite materialistic when looking for a partner.
How would you have reacted when first meeting him if he appeared poor?
On the other hand, people who are dishonest about debt may be financially parasitic and that's a legitimate reason to avoid such people.