An open phone policy as in grab my phone any time to make a call or go online if you dont have yours to hand or it's on the charger etc, or open phone as in take my phone and snoop through all my messages with my friends, my emails, my social media… one of these is ok, one of these is very fucked up!
(because we are supposedly jealous – also, if there was nothing dodgy going on, we shouldn’t mind that she keeps reading)
I expected something like this. This is probably what she means by getting “cheated” on in a past relationship. People that paranoid about cheating are often cheaters themselves, so they project that onto their partners label any little affectionate comment as cheating. It's unhealthy, miserable, and can rise to the level of abuse. Hopefully he can get free of her.
It definitely could come across as being flirtatious so I can see where you’re coming from there, but if this isn’t something you’ve dealt with a lot from him I would blame the booze and awkward job function.
I don’t think he’ll change into the type of guy you want. Even though it sounds simple to you, it’s just not who he is. He’s not wired that way.
It sucks for sure. But you need to adjust your expectations of him and accept him for who he is to remain in the relationship.
If you don’t think that you can do that, then you need to sit down with yourself and really think about the possibility of leaving him.
It truly sounds like you’re just not compatible. That can happen even if you love someone. You both deserve to be happy. You deserve to be treated the way you want to be treated and even though he’s not perfect, he does deserve someone that is better matched to his personality.
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You’re saying it’s gotten better and the arguments are less and less frequent. That’s good! However… It will never be perfect and the arguments will never be zero. (Adjust your expectations.)
You might be at the point where you have to accept him for who he is and really appreciate all of the improvement he’s made and the effort he’s put in. A lot of guys wouldn’t do that.
Sometimes my husband will do (or not do) something that I’ve talked to him about multiple times. Instead of me getting super mad, I just kindly point it out and go about my day. An argument isn’t going to fix it and I try not to get too hung up on it anymore. I think of the bigger picture and it helps me to choose my battles so-to-speak. This might be a good tactic for you to consider.
It most certainly is evidence that this guy is trying to cheat. I think you need to break up with him. His age differences so then I’m sure he doesn’t think you’re gonna stand up to him and that he has the upper hand in the relationship. Would you be so concerned if he was a nice guy with that was totally gob. Smacked in love with you. But it appears he’s not so get your things and move away from him. You’ll find somebody that loves you better and isn’t trying to cheat. When is my around you
You need to leave. You owe it to yourself. What he does and what happens to him is nothing you'd have any control over and it's not your responsibility either. It wouldn't be fair to either of you to be in this relationship.
As a chronically ill person with lupus, I would say that you are disgusting to say “time to hit the gym”. You clearly do not know what we go through and how our bodies struggle to function everyday. Sit down.
I guess I just don’t know how to move on. We got really close really fast and talked constantly. I’m only just now getting to the point where I can talk about it without completely breaking down. I’m just concerned that she’s being prevented from communicating with me. She didn’t know Robin for long at all before becoming engaged and it makes me anxious.
I disagree. At the point that she started talking about ‘this great fortune’ she tipped her hand. She may also have concern for his feelings now that she knows the full story, but her gold digging is what started everything.
She’s dumber than a bag of bricks if she thinks that’s how therapy works, like honestly shocked an adult thinks whatever therapist you’d see would then fill her in on how the session went. If I were you I’d ask her how she’d feel if you demanded she goes to therapy to screen her for any signs or behaviors that she’ll cheat on you.
I've heard of people being with someone 10 years, then they have a baby and the abuse comes out. It's not completely unheard of to not know who you're dating. I was in a long relationship for over a decade and had no idea I was being abused. Is it going to hurt you to do this check to make her feel better?
One of the core tenets of feminism: no, you are not actually tge exception, he does hate you as much as he hates other women, he's just aware of the fact that letting it out to you, specifically, will lose him all his benefits. Instead he gets you to shit on women (but not you! Exceptions will be made FOR YOU! You're Not Like Other Women, you're safe, you're Special!) with him, encouraging him, showing him that yes, look at how women are lol they suck so much 🙂
But it’s crazy because he has never given me a reason not to trust him. I genuinely think I have really bad trust issues so I would feel this way with anyone, not just him. I know I’m the issue
Have an honest conversation with him and ask him if he'd like to get married in the future. If he says no then decide if it's a deal breaker for you or not.
logically, the best way to get that dude to leave y’all alone is to just stop talking to him, but personally i would’ve called him out. not saying i would’ve started throwing hands, but just verbally tell him off
It is an old house – there is a fan but I don’t think it goes outside of the house. There is also a window — I thought using the fan was enough but I don’t think so – you’re right, the window needs to be open all the time. I bought mold killer today so I’m just going to take a day off of work and deal with it myself.
It makes me angry that they bury their heads in the sand
If he was always like that at work, he would never have been given an award or been put in training for a promotion in the first place. This sounds like a sudden drastic change in his behavior. Has he gone through something traumatic recently? Medical crisis? Has he started listening to radical podcasters or YouTubers?
Btw, if no one has mentioned it, it was THE VILLAIN who returned the Nobel Peace Prize in Captain America: The Winter Soldier. Did he mention that?
Good luck, girl. Save yourself, don’t drown with him.
The ratings scales is pretty messed up these days. You're sad about an 8 which is a lot above average, 5 is average. 10 to me is perfect which nobody is, it means there is no room for improvement but there always is, because we all have our unique traits th and also flaws, but that's what makes us special.
My wife might be perfect for me if I want to go the corny route and I would probably say that if she asked, but that's not something she would ask.
He kinda shot himself in the foot by asking though
I have multiple times, but it’s so hard to get info out of him. Which makes me think he’s holding back. I’m gonna ask him tonight and tell him to say the truth no matter how much it hurts.
Dang, you weren't kidding. OP's husband is absolutely abusing her. That, plus the wild mood swings, lack of self control, alcoholism, and misogyny, is a recipe for disaster. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he turns violent.
OP, you need to get out now, before your husband scars your daughter for life.
She works for 30k without using her degree needs a masters to get 80-120k even if she makes 120k the debt wont go away anytime soon. Her degree is in science so not a medical or law degree she just choose poorly. Paid insane amounts for a useless degree. She has no longterm financial goals as op mentioned. This is not someone who planed out their future. She burried her head and pretends all is fine.
Sorry, I missed where you gave her equal responsibility for the creation of these 3 kids? He’s 22, same argument applies to him. He didn’t cheat tho, he didn’t nuke his kids family. Sure thing he should support his children via child support. It would be better to get 50/50 custody tho. Children deserve both parents equally. No excuse for her cheating. I don’t care if being a mom made her crazy – my mom had 3 kids by 21. She left my dad for a while when she was extremely unhappy and they found their way back together. But she didn’t cheat. And so shouldn’t have OP‘s wife.
Yeah, he sounds like he's treating this relationship as a friend's with benefits relationship and lying to your face about it. If that's what you want, tell him and continue. If that's not what you want, tell him and move on as housemates.
Perhaps you should stop trying to intervene on his behalf with other family members. I suspect he didn't ask for this. I think that all he wants from you is to support him, acknowledge his gender preference, and treat him respectfully. Stop asking questions of any nature revolving around his identity. Support him and love him. In time, once you've restored good communication, ask HIM how you can best support him.
The advice on this sub is almost always awful and extreme. The answer to this conundrum is the same as most others: TALK TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND.
I’ll repeat it: TALK TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND.
Don’t blow your top and talk about how what she did was so shitty. Remember the golden rule: treat others the way you wish to be treated. Tell her CALMLY AND RESPECTFULLY tell her that you felt she crossed a boundary and you felt disrespected. Tell her that you are uncomfortable with her helping herself to your finances without checking with you first. Tell her that $300 is a significant amount of money and unexpectedly losing it causes problems for you.
Then, give her an opportunity to answer you. Listen to what she says not from the perspective of proving that she deserves your forgiveness, but from the perspective of genuinely wanting to understand what happened, and a desire to solve the problem and repair the rift.
Being a sugar baby is in no way comparable to domestic violence.
It most certainly isn’t. But I hope you get the idea. I think the equivalent thing is with the genders reversed would be different for different women.
21 and 36 or 25 and 33?
Doesn’t take a genius to know if you put your hand on a hand stove, you get burned as a result
You know what to do. You want us to tell you because it’s hard, but it’s the only way for you to get what you deserve.
An open phone policy as in grab my phone any time to make a call or go online if you dont have yours to hand or it's on the charger etc, or open phone as in take my phone and snoop through all my messages with my friends, my emails, my social media… one of these is ok, one of these is very fucked up!
(because we are supposedly jealous – also, if there was nothing dodgy going on, we shouldn’t mind that she keeps reading)
I expected something like this. This is probably what she means by getting “cheated” on in a past relationship. People that paranoid about cheating are often cheaters themselves, so they project that onto their partners label any little affectionate comment as cheating. It's unhealthy, miserable, and can rise to the level of abuse. Hopefully he can get free of her.
It definitely could come across as being flirtatious so I can see where you’re coming from there, but if this isn’t something you’ve dealt with a lot from him I would blame the booze and awkward job function.
I don’t think he’ll change into the type of guy you want. Even though it sounds simple to you, it’s just not who he is. He’s not wired that way.
It sucks for sure. But you need to adjust your expectations of him and accept him for who he is to remain in the relationship.
If you don’t think that you can do that, then you need to sit down with yourself and really think about the possibility of leaving him.
It truly sounds like you’re just not compatible. That can happen even if you love someone. You both deserve to be happy. You deserve to be treated the way you want to be treated and even though he’s not perfect, he does deserve someone that is better matched to his personality.
do it. block him everywhere and forget he ever existed. he's terrible i'm so sorry op you deserve so much better
I have that size cell phone and my last one was that size I love it
I have been going through something similar and mine only gets worse and says it's me that is the abusive one
Like Shia LeBeouf; “just do it”
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How much money was your daughter given, just curious what the going rate for child bribery these days
You’re saying it’s gotten better and the arguments are less and less frequent. That’s good! However… It will never be perfect and the arguments will never be zero. (Adjust your expectations.)
You might be at the point where you have to accept him for who he is and really appreciate all of the improvement he’s made and the effort he’s put in. A lot of guys wouldn’t do that.
Sometimes my husband will do (or not do) something that I’ve talked to him about multiple times. Instead of me getting super mad, I just kindly point it out and go about my day. An argument isn’t going to fix it and I try not to get too hung up on it anymore. I think of the bigger picture and it helps me to choose my battles so-to-speak. This might be a good tactic for you to consider.
Dude don't eat other people's food, why do you need to be told this?!
It most certainly is evidence that this guy is trying to cheat. I think you need to break up with him. His age differences so then I’m sure he doesn’t think you’re gonna stand up to him and that he has the upper hand in the relationship. Would you be so concerned if he was a nice guy with that was totally gob. Smacked in love with you. But it appears he’s not so get your things and move away from him. You’ll find somebody that loves you better and isn’t trying to cheat. When is my around you
He wants you to poop on his chest…
He says he is working on them. He tries but it's not going anywhere.
You need to leave. You owe it to yourself. What he does and what happens to him is nothing you'd have any control over and it's not your responsibility either. It wouldn't be fair to either of you to be in this relationship.
There is something fundamentally wrong with your partner.
As a chronically ill person with lupus, I would say that you are disgusting to say “time to hit the gym”. You clearly do not know what we go through and how our bodies struggle to function everyday. Sit down.
I guess I just don’t know how to move on. We got really close really fast and talked constantly. I’m only just now getting to the point where I can talk about it without completely breaking down. I’m just concerned that she’s being prevented from communicating with me. She didn’t know Robin for long at all before becoming engaged and it makes me anxious.
Sounds like you’ve got an immature boyfriend.
I disagree. At the point that she started talking about ‘this great fortune’ she tipped her hand. She may also have concern for his feelings now that she knows the full story, but her gold digging is what started everything.
You should stop talking nonsense.
She’s dumber than a bag of bricks if she thinks that’s how therapy works, like honestly shocked an adult thinks whatever therapist you’d see would then fill her in on how the session went. If I were you I’d ask her how she’d feel if you demanded she goes to therapy to screen her for any signs or behaviors that she’ll cheat on you.
I've heard of people being with someone 10 years, then they have a baby and the abuse comes out. It's not completely unheard of to not know who you're dating. I was in a long relationship for over a decade and had no idea I was being abused. Is it going to hurt you to do this check to make her feel better?
One of the core tenets of feminism: no, you are not actually tge exception, he does hate you as much as he hates other women, he's just aware of the fact that letting it out to you, specifically, will lose him all his benefits. Instead he gets you to shit on women (but not you! Exceptions will be made FOR YOU! You're Not Like Other Women, you're safe, you're Special!) with him, encouraging him, showing him that yes, look at how women are lol they suck so much 🙂
Something physical is still possible, as is sexual trauma.
But it’s crazy because he has never given me a reason not to trust him. I genuinely think I have really bad trust issues so I would feel this way with anyone, not just him. I know I’m the issue
Have an honest conversation with him and ask him if he'd like to get married in the future. If he says no then decide if it's a deal breaker for you or not.
Sami owes Tom an awful lot by Sami's ledger.
logically, the best way to get that dude to leave y’all alone is to just stop talking to him, but personally i would’ve called him out. not saying i would’ve started throwing hands, but just verbally tell him off
Wow. It absolutely matters.
At least getting asked out makes a girl feel like she's valuable.
You made her feel both worthless and uncomfortable.
I'm not saying she had anything to do with it, but if you want to have a nice dinner it's the fastest way forward. What's your advise?
It is an old house – there is a fan but I don’t think it goes outside of the house. There is also a window — I thought using the fan was enough but I don’t think so – you’re right, the window needs to be open all the time. I bought mold killer today so I’m just going to take a day off of work and deal with it myself.
It makes me angry that they bury their heads in the sand
3 months… yikes…
If he was always like that at work, he would never have been given an award or been put in training for a promotion in the first place. This sounds like a sudden drastic change in his behavior. Has he gone through something traumatic recently? Medical crisis? Has he started listening to radical podcasters or YouTubers?
Btw, if no one has mentioned it, it was THE VILLAIN who returned the Nobel Peace Prize in Captain America: The Winter Soldier. Did he mention that?
Good luck, girl. Save yourself, don’t drown with him.
The ratings scales is pretty messed up these days. You're sad about an 8 which is a lot above average, 5 is average. 10 to me is perfect which nobody is, it means there is no room for improvement but there always is, because we all have our unique traits th and also flaws, but that's what makes us special.
My wife might be perfect for me if I want to go the corny route and I would probably say that if she asked, but that's not something she would ask.
He kinda shot himself in the foot by asking though
My girl is into aliens with tentacles. I'm into goblins and shit. Porn preferences don't always translate to real life.
However, if you feel like he's a danger then trust your gut. Worst case, there are plenty of people who aren't into porn at all.
I have multiple times, but it’s so hard to get info out of him. Which makes me think he’s holding back. I’m gonna ask him tonight and tell him to say the truth no matter how much it hurts.
Yeah, it's on you buddy. You voluntarily accepted a cheater back, and now you're suprised that she's going to…cheat?
I've considered doing this, he works 45 min away however, I could leave one before he goes to work!
Dang, you weren't kidding. OP's husband is absolutely abusing her. That, plus the wild mood swings, lack of self control, alcoholism, and misogyny, is a recipe for disaster. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he turns violent.
OP, you need to get out now, before your husband scars your daughter for life.
“I (m, 28) shat on a girls (f, 24) sheets. How deep to dig a cave to dissappear? Where to get affordable plastic surgery? Invisibility cape anyone?”
What a horrible situation.
She works for 30k without using her degree needs a masters to get 80-120k even if she makes 120k the debt wont go away anytime soon. Her degree is in science so not a medical or law degree she just choose poorly. Paid insane amounts for a useless degree. She has no longterm financial goals as op mentioned. This is not someone who planed out their future. She burried her head and pretends all is fine.
Sorry, I missed where you gave her equal responsibility for the creation of these 3 kids? He’s 22, same argument applies to him. He didn’t cheat tho, he didn’t nuke his kids family. Sure thing he should support his children via child support. It would be better to get 50/50 custody tho. Children deserve both parents equally. No excuse for her cheating. I don’t care if being a mom made her crazy – my mom had 3 kids by 21. She left my dad for a while when she was extremely unhappy and they found their way back together. But she didn’t cheat. And so shouldn’t have OP‘s wife.
But he did ask you, when you didn't say yes the first time he might feel you do not want to go.
The “proof” is for if she decides she wants a divorce.
I know aesteticians who find it disgusting when men do that and not at all amusing.
Better to err on the side of not expecting someone to work on you while aroused unless they're a sex worker or its a medical issue.
Yeah, he sounds like he's treating this relationship as a friend's with benefits relationship and lying to your face about it. If that's what you want, tell him and continue. If that's not what you want, tell him and move on as housemates.
Perhaps you should stop trying to intervene on his behalf with other family members. I suspect he didn't ask for this. I think that all he wants from you is to support him, acknowledge his gender preference, and treat him respectfully. Stop asking questions of any nature revolving around his identity. Support him and love him. In time, once you've restored good communication, ask HIM how you can best support him.
The advice on this sub is almost always awful and extreme. The answer to this conundrum is the same as most others: TALK TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND.
I’ll repeat it: TALK TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND.
Don’t blow your top and talk about how what she did was so shitty. Remember the golden rule: treat others the way you wish to be treated. Tell her CALMLY AND RESPECTFULLY tell her that you felt she crossed a boundary and you felt disrespected. Tell her that you are uncomfortable with her helping herself to your finances without checking with you first. Tell her that $300 is a significant amount of money and unexpectedly losing it causes problems for you.
Then, give her an opportunity to answer you. Listen to what she says not from the perspective of proving that she deserves your forgiveness, but from the perspective of genuinely wanting to understand what happened, and a desire to solve the problem and repair the rift.
Being a sugar baby is in no way comparable to domestic violence.
It most certainly isn’t. But I hope you get the idea. I think the equivalent thing is with the genders reversed would be different for different women.
The issue there is that he picked the day to go out, that it was right after work, and then told her either go then or not at all.
He could have said, let's go out on next off day, but he didn't.
Definitely communication issue, but also a consideration issue too.
Narcissists are great at that. Seeming one way but being something totally different. Master manipulators with little empathy
Leave him. He’s gaslighting you.
Right reddit I forgot.
I literally don't care about punctuation.
I’m honestly tempted to let his parents know.
You might be right. The funny thing is, he did not even go to the gathering because he got too wasted in the afternoon already.
There are many smaller houses in TO. That's huge. You need to compromise dreams to reality,
She keeps blaming her undiagnosed ADHD. Part of me understands, but another part of me thinks it's a cop out.