You signed your divorce papers when you did it, whether or not you tell. If your honest there is a slim chance of building a new marriage with about 10 years of hard work. If you truly have it in you, despite your terrible character flaws, your kids will be glad. That role in the hay cost you years of happiness and hundreds of thousands of dollars.
You're overthinking things. Communicate your preference and listen to her responses. You do not have to move. She does not have to pick a residency close to you. If she moves farther away for her residency and neither of you want a long distance relationship, then either you will move or things will end.
There is no way to predict what she will do when you begin this conversation, but you will figure it out as you go. In a perfect world, she would get accepted at the closest possible residency and nothing would have to change. But, perhaps it's good this is coming up now so you two can be a bit introspective about where the relationship as a whole ranks for each other you in your life priorities. For you, it seems high enough for you to not want to lose it, but not high enough to uproot yourself for it. That's perfectly fine, maybe she's in the same place (wanting to continue, but not willing to sacrifice her top choices for it).
Communicate and let things play out how they will.
That's creepy as hell. I'd straight-up confront him about it, and ask what the fuck he thinks he's doing using spy cameras in the bathroom. Make sure you inform family members first, and potentially report this shit to police if he's a violent or volatile person.
Oh honey… I was you once. I hope you realise before it’s too late. Please don’t have a baby with this man, you only met in Spring last year. He sounds very manipulative
From what you're saying it seems that he's trying hard. Money isn't the issue and no kids so you have time to work it out and support him till he fixes his shit. The qn is whether you've alr mentally checked out and wna find another guy. Deep down you should know. Also, every rs has a timeline , 3 yr , 5yr and 10yr mark or smth. These points are when things turn to shit and couples either push through it or they break. Read it up
An apple AirTag hidden somewhere in the car? They also make magnetic gps trackers that can be attached to the underside of the car, the fuel tank, inside the wheel wells, or under the front and rear bumpers. It could be literally anywhere.
Thank you for your advice, really appreciate it. Anyways I'm more inclined to wait. I can manage to see her just once before she leaves and while she's gone and I can organise my self like where to go, start moving my stuff and het some help by some friend. And be emotionally prepare for when she comes back too. And I'm not sure I'm willing to give her the chance to renounce to the trip, she'll just do it and be annoyed and make me feel guilty for a while. Thinking it rationally if she wanted me she wouldn't make plans to have sex with others. The pain I've gone through already is too much, if she still has desires to have sex with other people than I don't think I can deal with that kind of pain all over again. I have her my heart and she shattered it, I gave it back to her a second time and she threatened to do it again. I really do love her but I won't go trough sll of that all over again.
Also she spent time and money for that trip, she was saving for it so I'd rather let her deal with this later.
It did sound like you had 12 a once. Tell your mom that you will bring the cup out and replace it every night so she knows it’s not dirty. The only other thing I can suggest is to offer to pay rent. Make up a lease saying your room is off limits, you will do all cleaning and laundry and your mom will not enter unless you are present and with notice (just like a landlord would have to do). It is still her home so she has a right to make sure you aren’t trashing it, she can inspect with notice.
You are 27. If you think you are grown up enough to ride a motorcycle and get injuries that will last you until the end of your life (however short or long), that the you can get your big boy pants, shut up and not give your father a reason to have a heart attack due to stress. Does that help?
I fully admit that I find babies and childbirth really disgusting. Feel free to down vote me to hell for being honest. But I thought you might like one response that wasn't from an echo chamber.
I saw a woman have a baby on NOVA late one night on PBS. I'm fairly certain that is what scarred me. And I fully understand such things are natural and of the greatest potential moments of a human life. It's still raunchy. I can NOT blame OP AT ALL for wanting someone present for appointments and the delivery. If I were about to give birth I'd sure as hell want someone with me too. OP is in NO way at fault here in any way. I just know I couldn't do it. So I have always been extremely careful to not get anyone pregnant. But I've never held a baby. What I've seen from feeding to changing is just, we humans are some nasty little buggers when we're starting out. People can say it's all beautiful or whatever. I'd seen shotgun wounds and decapitations that weren't as hideous to watch as childbirth. I pity any and everyone that has ever or will ever have to go through with that.
There is a chance something in the past has scared him in his past like I watched. But if he does have any of the same queasiness about pregnancy and childbirth he should have been controlling what he did with his baby batter. It's too late to talk “cringe” now dude. The time for that talk if it was needed was BEFORE anyone got pregnant. I can say, even as much as the whole event is off putting, if I ever got anyone pregnant I would do the best I could. I couldn't do the delivery room thing. I just couldn't. My dad wasn't there when I was born, his dad wasn't there when he was born. Some traditions are worth keeping. But yeah, I could do the ultrasound visit. And I'm one of those who is like over paranoid for pregnant women. Two of my coworkers are with child right now and I'm always making the sit the F down, eat something, put their feet up. No miscarriages on my watch.
If I can be that way toward pregnant women not having my kid, he can sure as hell get off of his ass and do what he can do to the very best of his ability to be there with / for OP.
I have to say, when I am sick. I want to be left the hell alone. I would not want anyone by my side holding my hand when I pass a kidney stone. Either give me a TON of drugs or knock me out and do a C Section. OP I hope everything goes perfectly with your pregnancy and that your husband comes around / comes to his senses. I just wanted to comment because I can sort of understand his thinking certain things are gross. It's just that a LOT of things in life are really gross. Sometimes we have to do what we have to do. And in a case of fatherhood, NOT doing that makes the unwilling a POS.
Look I’m not going to get into it because I do not have the time right now, but the amount of red flags he’s flying around I have to ask if you are in China. I’m honestly scared for you.
all of your friends should be extremely worried that you’ll fuck one of their girlfriends since you seem to think you’re entitled to anyone you think is hot. you’re a shitty friend and you don’t deserve close relationships if this is what you do to them.
Your boyfriend deserves sex, with you or with someone else. Also you should consider talking about your aversions to sex with a therapist because it might be related to other traumas you're unaware of or suppressing.
They hadn’t planned on meeting the guys. My girlfriend wanted to celebrate her birthday with her friends, and nothing special happened at the bar. I’ve been confirmed this by a couple friends that also were there. They met the guys at the bar and danced together, in what she claims, was not a flirty or intimate dance, before going to the kebab shop.
I don’t think this is salvageable to the full extent. You can keep trying to invite them and perhaps a good middle ground for a while would be for your family to not stay (spend the night) at your home and meet up through out the days to do things together, even in your home and then for them to have a private place to go at the end of the day. All of this will take time, but it’s possible.
Now, your husband was absolutely correct doing what he did. I don’t know that he even went too far. Because in a culture like yours violence is an integral part of life, especially in the family and your husband NEEDED to make it abundantly clear that it will not be a part of his family’s life. Anything short of what he did might have left room for argument for either your father or brothers. This way, you can rest assured that neither you, nor (most importantly) any children you may have will ever be subjected to violence from your family. I know you love your father, and I would feel the same about my father (violence or not), but this way you get to decide how to be within your own family that you built with your husband, instead of taking direction from your parents/culture/religion. You’ve said it yourself you didn’t feel as connected anymore, and now you get that choice without your parents interfering. Your husband freed you from the constraints of your upbringing to let you be exactly who you want to be – truly freed you.
I know that, AND I pointed that out in this very same thread. And not just these counties, it’s every country on the planet. The difference is, UK, France and USA have more resources and safety nets for women, unlike the countries they are second class citizens and raping and beating wives is legal. The person I was addressing implied that OP is trapped in one of those countries.
How is it that you don’t know what to? You have to break up with this girl immediately. No question. If you do stay, go find a therapist and find out why you have no self-esteem or self-respect.
When two damaged people, both of whom need treatment for that damage, come together it never works out. The age difference could even be a symptom of his power dynamic dysfunction, hence his always needing to be the one in charge. So focus on finding a therapist and working through your “previous relationship trauma”. You're just not going to be able to attract a healthy partner or have a healthy relationship until you move past that. Good luck
Definitely this. The wife can move on with her life if she chooses. A 6 year old? Not so much. You created a person, and you sound like her best chance at a good life.
You can’t. He will always pit you against her because that’s the best scenario for him. Isolating you from family means you’re more dependent on him.
No offense, but both of you are pretty young and you sound incredibly immature. And I doubt his disorder has shown all it’s true colors yet. Your mom is just trying to protect you. Don’t be a dick to her.
How do you know he’s not just love-bombing you now, only to control and manipulate you in the future? I would absolutely not have a kid with this guy yet. You don’t know what you don’t know. Proceed with caution, OP.
You were 17 and 19 when you started dating? Big red flag on his part. And his reaction to you not texting back on his time frame is abusive, manipulative, and controlling. Even bigger red flag. Oh and he doesn’t respect your stance on religion and would rather fight with you until you agree with his views? Come on.
I know you’re young and it may feel very difficult but please let things end and move on. Don’t be with this guy. Sounds like an abusive jerk. Cut your losses! You’re better off without him.
I’m calling bullshit on this story no fucking way are you 19 and almost about to be a mother of four children. Sounds like something you’d see out of a isolated super religious couple.
I know I am being cowardly, I do care for her, I want to give her the benefit of the doubt and I know it’s wrong of me, the waterfall of tears and begging for 1 more chance makes me feel more guilty than I’ve ever felt about anything like maybe there’s hope
Do I just do it and help her move all her stuff into a spare room until she can afford to move out and try to avoid her ? remove her off social media so she can’t flood me with texts when im at work ?
You are an idiot. Do your bf a solid and break up with him. And then find out that the grass isn't greener on the other side. It's green where you take care of it. Also, you are pushing it to emotional cheating. Your bf deserves better.
I dated a guy once who boasted about having a threesome with 2×18 year old girls. I was repulsed and after he dropped me home I declined to meet him again. He was close to 30 and no amount of explaining ever made me change my mind over how disgusting I found it.
For real.
I went on a date with a guy like this. It was our second date and since the first had gone pretty well I had a good feeling. We got to talking about past relationships and he mentioned his last girlfriend was 18. We were both 32.
When I tell you my skin felt like it was going to crawl right off my body. I should have just ended the date there but I felt awkward. He tried to initiate touching and hugging a few times and I felt so repulsed that the second time he put his arm around my waist I batted him off and said I had to go home because I didn't feel well. Which was true, after the whole “my last girlfriend was a teenage girl” thing him touching me honestly did make me feel a bit queasy.
Do NOT engage at all. Block the number and consider changing yours. Changing your number cuts your phone off as a way he can access you.
If he shows up, call the police. Do NOT open the door.
He is wanting ANY form of contact. Even telling him “no” gives him something. Don't give anything!
3/4 of what?
A year? A month? A week?
LOL. You are so naive.
Figure of speech due to her change of character.
How’s that even possible? Great recipe for her to get it elsewhere, if she hasn’t already…
You live and you learn – that's life. You have no choice but to live with it.
Can you get therapy? It will help you deal with feelings of shame about your past.
You signed your divorce papers when you did it, whether or not you tell. If your honest there is a slim chance of building a new marriage with about 10 years of hard work. If you truly have it in you, despite your terrible character flaws, your kids will be glad. That role in the hay cost you years of happiness and hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Hysterectomy but yes
You're overthinking things. Communicate your preference and listen to her responses. You do not have to move. She does not have to pick a residency close to you. If she moves farther away for her residency and neither of you want a long distance relationship, then either you will move or things will end.
There is no way to predict what she will do when you begin this conversation, but you will figure it out as you go. In a perfect world, she would get accepted at the closest possible residency and nothing would have to change. But, perhaps it's good this is coming up now so you two can be a bit introspective about where the relationship as a whole ranks for each other you in your life priorities. For you, it seems high enough for you to not want to lose it, but not high enough to uproot yourself for it. That's perfectly fine, maybe she's in the same place (wanting to continue, but not willing to sacrifice her top choices for it).
Communicate and let things play out how they will.
That's creepy as hell. I'd straight-up confront him about it, and ask what the fuck he thinks he's doing using spy cameras in the bathroom. Make sure you inform family members first, and potentially report this shit to police if he's a violent or volatile person.
Women of /r/r_a: How do i let a guy know i like him
Guys of /r/r_a: Be really forward and obvious
Guys irl: i dunno, my dick is in her mouth but does she like me or does she just do this for all her classmates?
Oh honey… I was you once. I hope you realise before it’s too late. Please don’t have a baby with this man, you only met in Spring last year. He sounds very manipulative
From what you're saying it seems that he's trying hard. Money isn't the issue and no kids so you have time to work it out and support him till he fixes his shit. The qn is whether you've alr mentally checked out and wna find another guy. Deep down you should know. Also, every rs has a timeline , 3 yr , 5yr and 10yr mark or smth. These points are when things turn to shit and couples either push through it or they break. Read it up
An apple AirTag hidden somewhere in the car? They also make magnetic gps trackers that can be attached to the underside of the car, the fuel tank, inside the wheel wells, or under the front and rear bumpers. It could be literally anywhere.
Thank you for your advice, really appreciate it. Anyways I'm more inclined to wait. I can manage to see her just once before she leaves and while she's gone and I can organise my self like where to go, start moving my stuff and het some help by some friend. And be emotionally prepare for when she comes back too. And I'm not sure I'm willing to give her the chance to renounce to the trip, she'll just do it and be annoyed and make me feel guilty for a while. Thinking it rationally if she wanted me she wouldn't make plans to have sex with others. The pain I've gone through already is too much, if she still has desires to have sex with other people than I don't think I can deal with that kind of pain all over again. I have her my heart and she shattered it, I gave it back to her a second time and she threatened to do it again. I really do love her but I won't go trough sll of that all over again.
Also she spent time and money for that trip, she was saving for it so I'd rather let her deal with this later.
It did sound like you had 12 a once. Tell your mom that you will bring the cup out and replace it every night so she knows it’s not dirty. The only other thing I can suggest is to offer to pay rent. Make up a lease saying your room is off limits, you will do all cleaning and laundry and your mom will not enter unless you are present and with notice (just like a landlord would have to do). It is still her home so she has a right to make sure you aren’t trashing it, she can inspect with notice.
!updateme
Ugh seeing this spelled out is definitely a wake up call. Appreciate the brutal honesty !
You are 27. If you think you are grown up enough to ride a motorcycle and get injuries that will last you until the end of your life (however short or long), that the you can get your big boy pants, shut up and not give your father a reason to have a heart attack due to stress. Does that help?
I fully admit that I find babies and childbirth really disgusting. Feel free to down vote me to hell for being honest. But I thought you might like one response that wasn't from an echo chamber.
I saw a woman have a baby on NOVA late one night on PBS. I'm fairly certain that is what scarred me. And I fully understand such things are natural and of the greatest potential moments of a human life. It's still raunchy. I can NOT blame OP AT ALL for wanting someone present for appointments and the delivery. If I were about to give birth I'd sure as hell want someone with me too. OP is in NO way at fault here in any way. I just know I couldn't do it. So I have always been extremely careful to not get anyone pregnant. But I've never held a baby. What I've seen from feeding to changing is just, we humans are some nasty little buggers when we're starting out. People can say it's all beautiful or whatever. I'd seen shotgun wounds and decapitations that weren't as hideous to watch as childbirth. I pity any and everyone that has ever or will ever have to go through with that.
There is a chance something in the past has scared him in his past like I watched. But if he does have any of the same queasiness about pregnancy and childbirth he should have been controlling what he did with his baby batter. It's too late to talk “cringe” now dude. The time for that talk if it was needed was BEFORE anyone got pregnant. I can say, even as much as the whole event is off putting, if I ever got anyone pregnant I would do the best I could. I couldn't do the delivery room thing. I just couldn't. My dad wasn't there when I was born, his dad wasn't there when he was born. Some traditions are worth keeping. But yeah, I could do the ultrasound visit. And I'm one of those who is like over paranoid for pregnant women. Two of my coworkers are with child right now and I'm always making the sit the F down, eat something, put their feet up. No miscarriages on my watch.
If I can be that way toward pregnant women not having my kid, he can sure as hell get off of his ass and do what he can do to the very best of his ability to be there with / for OP.
I have to say, when I am sick. I want to be left the hell alone. I would not want anyone by my side holding my hand when I pass a kidney stone. Either give me a TON of drugs or knock me out and do a C Section. OP I hope everything goes perfectly with your pregnancy and that your husband comes around / comes to his senses. I just wanted to comment because I can sort of understand his thinking certain things are gross. It's just that a LOT of things in life are really gross. Sometimes we have to do what we have to do. And in a case of fatherhood, NOT doing that makes the unwilling a POS.
Talk to him if you are jealous or feel somethin is up.
How exactly did the controller break?
Get him to remove all his teeth and wear fake ones
I know. I will admit I got a bit heated because I thought the situation was ridiculous. I need to practise being calmer
Look I’m not going to get into it because I do not have the time right now, but the amount of red flags he’s flying around I have to ask if you are in China. I’m honestly scared for you.
all of your friends should be extremely worried that you’ll fuck one of their girlfriends since you seem to think you’re entitled to anyone you think is hot. you’re a shitty friend and you don’t deserve close relationships if this is what you do to them.
Her assaults on you are getting worse and now she has escalated to physical objects.
Next time she breaks your wrist or smashes your head open with a household object.
You need to stop and step back.
Her mother is available and now needs to take on the task of getting her the help she needs.
She now thinks of you as one of “Them”. She has literally blocked you on social media.
Send her mother all her health records and the contact names and RUN in the other direction.
And CHANGE YOUR LOCKS and add a chain bolt. You do not want her surprising you with an unexpected assault on you in the middle of the night.
Your boyfriend deserves sex, with you or with someone else. Also you should consider talking about your aversions to sex with a therapist because it might be related to other traumas you're unaware of or suppressing.
Because she was leaning. Why are you freaking out over leaning?
They hadn’t planned on meeting the guys. My girlfriend wanted to celebrate her birthday with her friends, and nothing special happened at the bar. I’ve been confirmed this by a couple friends that also were there. They met the guys at the bar and danced together, in what she claims, was not a flirty or intimate dance, before going to the kebab shop.
I don’t think this is salvageable to the full extent. You can keep trying to invite them and perhaps a good middle ground for a while would be for your family to not stay (spend the night) at your home and meet up through out the days to do things together, even in your home and then for them to have a private place to go at the end of the day. All of this will take time, but it’s possible.
Now, your husband was absolutely correct doing what he did. I don’t know that he even went too far. Because in a culture like yours violence is an integral part of life, especially in the family and your husband NEEDED to make it abundantly clear that it will not be a part of his family’s life. Anything short of what he did might have left room for argument for either your father or brothers. This way, you can rest assured that neither you, nor (most importantly) any children you may have will ever be subjected to violence from your family. I know you love your father, and I would feel the same about my father (violence or not), but this way you get to decide how to be within your own family that you built with your husband, instead of taking direction from your parents/culture/religion. You’ve said it yourself you didn’t feel as connected anymore, and now you get that choice without your parents interfering. Your husband freed you from the constraints of your upbringing to let you be exactly who you want to be – truly freed you.
Please tell us what country you're in so we can provide resources for you. You are not safe!
When people tell you who they are, listen.
I know that, AND I pointed that out in this very same thread. And not just these counties, it’s every country on the planet. The difference is, UK, France and USA have more resources and safety nets for women, unlike the countries they are second class citizens and raping and beating wives is legal. The person I was addressing implied that OP is trapped in one of those countries.
My next question would be, are you on the spectrum?
You literally could be having fun right now with your girlfriend but YOUR OWN hang ups about it are ruining it
How is it that you don’t know what to? You have to break up with this girl immediately. No question. If you do stay, go find a therapist and find out why you have no self-esteem or self-respect.
I'm not even touching the fact that you married an 18 year old.
You told your daughter you wished she was never born, and that you resented her. You got exactly what you wanted.
You're not her father anymore, you're the sperm donor.
When two damaged people, both of whom need treatment for that damage, come together it never works out. The age difference could even be a symptom of his power dynamic dysfunction, hence his always needing to be the one in charge. So focus on finding a therapist and working through your “previous relationship trauma”. You're just not going to be able to attract a healthy partner or have a healthy relationship until you move past that. Good luck
Definitely this. The wife can move on with her life if she chooses. A 6 year old? Not so much. You created a person, and you sound like her best chance at a good life.
You can’t. He will always pit you against her because that’s the best scenario for him. Isolating you from family means you’re more dependent on him.
No offense, but both of you are pretty young and you sound incredibly immature. And I doubt his disorder has shown all it’s true colors yet. Your mom is just trying to protect you. Don’t be a dick to her.
How do you know he’s not just love-bombing you now, only to control and manipulate you in the future? I would absolutely not have a kid with this guy yet. You don’t know what you don’t know. Proceed with caution, OP.
You were 17 and 19 when you started dating? Big red flag on his part. And his reaction to you not texting back on his time frame is abusive, manipulative, and controlling. Even bigger red flag. Oh and he doesn’t respect your stance on religion and would rather fight with you until you agree with his views? Come on.
I know you’re young and it may feel very difficult but please let things end and move on. Don’t be with this guy. Sounds like an abusive jerk. Cut your losses! You’re better off without him.
porn stars are required to test before every scene
This is absolutely a generalization you shouldn't be making
You can try toys to help your girlfriend with wanting to be fucked.
Alternatively, have you tried to have her put the condom on?
I’m calling bullshit on this story no fucking way are you 19 and almost about to be a mother of four children. Sounds like something you’d see out of a isolated super religious couple.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time – Maya Angelou
I know I am being cowardly, I do care for her, I want to give her the benefit of the doubt and I know it’s wrong of me, the waterfall of tears and begging for 1 more chance makes me feel more guilty than I’ve ever felt about anything like maybe there’s hope
Do I just do it and help her move all her stuff into a spare room until she can afford to move out and try to avoid her ? remove her off social media so she can’t flood me with texts when im at work ?
Some people aren't made to be married.
You are an idiot. Do your bf a solid and break up with him. And then find out that the grass isn't greener on the other side. It's green where you take care of it. Also, you are pushing it to emotional cheating. Your bf deserves better.
I was starting to get the impression I was more a FWB versus actual SO, but the immediate Hot to Cold out of the blue is what was confusing me.
I dated a guy once who boasted about having a threesome with 2×18 year old girls. I was repulsed and after he dropped me home I declined to meet him again. He was close to 30 and no amount of explaining ever made me change my mind over how disgusting I found it.
For real.
I went on a date with a guy like this. It was our second date and since the first had gone pretty well I had a good feeling. We got to talking about past relationships and he mentioned his last girlfriend was 18. We were both 32.
When I tell you my skin felt like it was going to crawl right off my body. I should have just ended the date there but I felt awkward. He tried to initiate touching and hugging a few times and I felt so repulsed that the second time he put his arm around my waist I batted him off and said I had to go home because I didn't feel well. Which was true, after the whole “my last girlfriend was a teenage girl” thing him touching me honestly did make me feel a bit queasy.