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Date: September 25, 2022
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A rule of thumb is to date people who know what they want,obviously he has not reached a conclusion yet and is making half assed decisions. However, if you were to ask me, I tend to look at women as if they were flowers, some are pretty to look at aesthetically, but overall are not worth the hassle. As the old saying goes, more women,more problems. It boils down to the same thing, how many problems you can solve, what kind of resources do you have. That's what most people seek, someone with whom they can solve their mutual problems and needs. I have been working hard and I'm tired, I just want to cuddle my wife, I don't want to hear about other women's needs or wants. Also I want to do my own thing and be left the fuck alone sometimes, so I can recover. Obviously we live in a limited resource environment, so I would interpret his communication as a signal of potential resource reallocation. Which is self explanatory.
Thank you so much, this is probably the best advice I've gotten. I've been wanting to go to therapy for a while but I think it's time I've seriously looked into it. As for my friends, we talk constantly but it hard since they're also so far and can't drive but I'm hoping to put myself out there more! Again, thank you so much, I hope everything goes well for u
So make the relationship casual again? I never thought about that.
Clearly him.
Is this the same guy that coerced you into having sex 3 weeks after you gave birth? How about instead of feeling bad about turning down that guy who feels entitled to your body even when you are ill and recovering from childbirth you start caring about yourself instead. You are with a selfish abusive manipulative sex addict that does not care about you.
holy age gap batman!
I would not be surprised if your best bud gets sick of your nasty ass first
I told her a few things like what I saw in his phone. Such as her name, what some of the conversation exchange said.
It was not the number of people she slept with, honestly it was me hearing a small fraction of her past, and then my mind would create these images of her being intimate with someone else, and it consumed me. It was so frustrating because I too have had other partners, and I’m fully aware that she was sexually active before me. It was a severe case of retroactive jealousy I couldn’t shake. Although she has more partners than I, when I actually spoke to her about what I was feeling, it actually relieved a lot of my anxiety and my thoughts just became. “Okay, she’s had sex and so have I, time to move on”
I’m really sorry, and I hope you cut him off straight away. I know it hurts to lose a long friendship but you don’t need a person in your life who doesn’t love and respect you for who you are as a whole being. There are a lot of religious people who aren’t bigots so he is making a conscious choice to be one and that is on him and no one else. Congratulations on your engagement, I hope you and your hubby have a long and beautiful life together free from the shackles of oppressive ignorant tyrants like this former “friend”.
Plan Z is what you are. She is in Plan A now and might eventually get to you.
Income and household labor are not part of the same equation.
Income doesn't change your responsibilities in the home. Period.
However, you can divide household labor according to time. According to OP,
“I know his job is really hard but he never works as much time as I do”
Which means that he works less hours than her, and therefore has more time to do chores.
At the very least it should be split 50/50, but frankly it sounds like husband needs to get off his ass and take care of the house. OP isn't his servant no matter how much he makes.
I think the exceptions mentioned are fair, living in a vacation spot, military etc. but let’s be honest, they are exceptions.
Do you think she should make certain it was him before ruining his life, instead of just going off of statistics?
Ok, I didn't see that. That really changes everything. Thank you for sharing this with me.
I would leave it this was happening to me. I’d also ask her if she actually thinks your a pedophile then how can she morally still be with one ? That should drive the point home that’s she’s being ridiculous.
She's not upset he jerks off, she's upset he jerks off right next to her and takes his anger out on her if he doesn't bust a nut.
treats WITH you
You mean cheat?
Personally I think 25 is a good decent age to have experienced life to a point where someone significantly older isn't preying on your naivete. The power dynamic in some age differences (say a 21 year old and 40 year old) is what makes it a little sketch and predatory.
I personally would not/could not date anyone under 40 (I'm 36) but that's personal preference. I certainly can't even look at someone in their 20's sexually.
I had messaged him and he eventually replied to me (in text), followed up by an audio message, which was extremely surprising to me.
Break up.
What he is trying to do to you is reproductive coercion. You are put on this earth to be you, not to be a baby-making machine. If you want kids, great, but if you don't want them, that's also fine and you do not have to have them.
It's not going to work if you give him children; you'll only resent the kid(s), him, and then yourself for giving in.
Thinking about what you wrote, he basically said he wants a breeding harem, not a family. Why does he want children so badly, anyway, besides hoping it'd tie you (and others) to him? People should have kids because they are wanted and will be loved and cherished, not as tools or weapons.
omg lady
I went through a similar thing with my cousin. It is very, very hard when the abuser successfully starts isolating them from you and from their family. They want to take away their support system. I barely saw my cousin for 3-4 years, went from seeing her once a week to once a year. All you can do is be there for them. Tell her you miss her & that you’re there and you love her. Try to have your family have the same attitude. Let her have it in mind that you are there and will help when she is ready for it
STOP should work
Because they make long ass posts lying about the real issues. Then when they admit it we’re all mad we wasted our time reading the post to begin with.
I would have left his ass 6 years ago.
Op, you have to realize that disagreement is not hate. I also disagree with your behavior but still want to figure out how this will pan out.
You threw away a real relationship for a fantasy and you don't realize that you are doing it. You don't really know this guy. And even tho you are saying a lot of bad things about your husband, I would bet that you were not a better wife than he was a husband.
Either way, try to do the best for yourself and your kids and I hope you don't regret this.
If she doesn’t know where you live, I would suggest making this an informal public setting visit. If she just wants to see/meet her, maybe suggest that you meet at a park or even one of those play areas in a mall. She can sit with you and watch your daughter play. You can call your daughter up and say, “hey daughter, come say hi to an old friend of mine.”
Your daughter does not need to know that she is looking at her bio mom. Bio mom does NOT need to know where you live. Doing this in a public place will likely discourage her from making any sort of scene.
Side note: if you want to be sensitive to how bio mom might be feeling afterwards, pick a place with a easy escape to a place where she can go privately cry her eyes out. I like to put myself in the other persons shoes. If I were in her situation, I would just want to meet my bio daughter in person, prevent any emotional distress for all parties involved, and make a quick exit so I could cry in my car for a little while. I’m sure this is highly emotional for everyone involved and she’s probably been trying to think of an appropriate way to ask for a very long time.
Dude! It's your house!
Well… good and bad. Bad he did it. Maybe bad he felt the need to hurt you by unburdening. But good that he felt bad and fessed up and hopefully won't do it again.
You have both been through a terrible event and that sometimes makes normally sane people do stupid things to settle their grief. There is that. I'd also say that discussion boards be it reddit or others… can lead people down bad paths a lot more quickly than face to face discussion. Perhaps it is best he just avoids them, or keeps them well in the open to avoid temptation. We all get tempted from time to time; it's normal. What we do with that temptation is what counts. I hope you get through this. In a lifetime, we all screw up from time to time.
She should not consider staying with him… at all. He should do all that work and get better before he is in ANY relationship, with her or with anyone.
I'm so sorry for your loss and that you have to go through this. I think that there's nothing that I could say that could make you feel better. Mental health is no joke, my mother is a lovely person, but she's schizophrenic and her mental breakdowns terrify me.
Eloquently stated.
That’s why this time I’m not budging and I feel fine. Just mostly confused
You prefer what you prefer, nothing discriminating about that. This is nothing more than any other relationship that differences may change and so the couple parts ways. If she is feeling different that what she thinks or whatever and you don’t want to hang around it’s your right just as much as hers to follow what she feels right about. Part ways and both can find what fit em is all.
OP -okay, so let's just assume his dick pic was an accident. Okay -leave that one out of this equation for a moment.
You prefaced your story with these tidbits: “Our relationship has been on the rocks since we got pregnant with the second child, and has progressively deteriorated over the last 3 months. We have been fighting almost daily, and even discussed separating. I feel like he’s been pushing my boundaries lately and his actions have not been consistent with his words or promises.”
Words & actions that are incongruous (words don't match actions) is called A LIE.
“While working out of town I found out he is going to the bars and staying out til midnight or closing time, if not every day, then every other day. He was going out with his coworker who apparently is also having marriage problems.”
Is it any wonder his coworker is having marriage problems when he's basically pretending to be single? That's how single people behave, not married people. Well, not married people who want their marriages to be happy anyway.
“When I confronted him, he said he felt like I was controlling him and mothering him and this was a way for him to do what he wanted to. He promised to not “go crazy” after the first week, but continued to go even after he promised he wouldn’t. He even went as fa as to leave his phone with the location on, in his hotel room, so I wouldn’t know he went out.”
You're pregnant. You're naturally under stress just from that. Your husband's words & actions are adding to your stress, and this is not good, so start thinking of ways to deal with it before the stress has unintended consequences.
And when I lay it out like this, even I can see there are some serious red flags here. And finally, he sends a dick pic to your sister “accidentally”…..?
He's deflecting and hoping you won't press any further. He's either spending time with a coworker who is NOT doing him any favors by taking him out every night and who himself is having marriage problems.
There are things spouses can do to support their marriages/spouses, and there are definitely things they can do to undermine your heretofore happy home.
So get real quiet. Make the silence uncomfortable for him, then ask him the serious question I know you want to: “DO you want to remain in OUR marriage (use verbiage that makes him OWN his life as HE has constructed it thus far, because no one else has been living his life, so if he's constructed something he's unhappy with, he needs to figure it out & stop dragging you around for the ride)? Because it's easier & a lot less stressful if you're honest with me about what's going on. You say one thing, then do another. You think I'm trying to control you, mother you, whatever, when all I'm doing is asking you to perform the BARE MINIMUM as my husband. As the father of our children.”
Then be quiet and wait for his answer. If he doesn't answer you directly, then you will have confirmed there is a major problem.
If you were looking at a bug in a jar, you wouldn't wistfully wonder why he was acting like a bug. Your boyfriend has proven that he is a bug, he acted like it while with you, and he's acting like it without you. Time to explore internally why you're starring at a bug wishing he wouldn't be a bug anymore.
They may not be ready to come out, but there's always tells of support you can show.
Prolonged eye contact, hand holding, “I'm happy you have lovely company”.
But if you're also queer identifying as kids, it feels like it could be an easy thing to ask in an uplifted way! Am I wrong? Queer to queer, it's always more comfortable being your full self around the people you love. I think if it comes from this sweet and good-intended place, it truly can be received as sweetly and well-intended.
What did she do that was silly? How did she act?
I know it's going to hurt hearing this especially since you love him. But you need to love yourself more and have a talk with him and end the relationship. Cheating is a huge betrayal and extremely disrespectful to you and your relationship. Not to mention he's doing it multiple times and planning it. He does not respect,love or cherish your relationship. You deserve better. Your boyfriend and friend need to be out of your life. I wish the best for you internet stranger and from an older woman I send you a huge hug. This isn't fair to you. You are worth more and you deserve a partner who loves and respects you. Don't settle for anything less because you teach people how to treat you.
She has no moral compass and will someday betray you as well. Just keep in mind she is willing to destroy a marriage just because she feels in love with this guy. When you have a husband keep a close eye on her. You need to do what you can to tell the wife and even tell the school. This isn’t the first affair this guy has had and probably not the first of his students. If he is an active teacher the school needs to know. You have no obligation to support your friend when this comes crashing down, she knows what she is doing is wrong and you have expressed your moral beliefs. This is on her. Do not try to spare her feelings if you can get the info of the wife do it. I’m sorry your friend is going to destroy a family but the wife needs to know.
Her disagreeing with American propaganda doesn't make her a conspiracy theorist lol. There's always an agenda when you're being spoon-fed information from your media. There's no excuse for invading another country, but Ukraine is imperfect in their own way. Why isn't the West encouraging negotiations and cease fire rather than escalating the conflict? Ukraine is the victim of a proxy war that America is quite happy to profit from.
Honestly tho! He straight up made a comment about how they would have to “wait weeks to get an appointment to remove it.” Like, does he think the uterus is an easy bake oven? If you can't handle waiting for a doctor's appointment to remove birth control, and can't handle multiple visits, you probably arent ready to have a child
Eats corn? No. Watches corn? Hmmm…?
I’d appreciate if you only spoke for yourself. It’s your opinion, there’s no need to state things like “almost no one is like that” as a fact when, in reality, actually almost everyone IS like that.
And here’s another “obsessed” opinion, just for you: Wanna wait with sex until you get married, even though you’ve been married before and aren’t virgin? Weird but it’s your call. Your fiancé has changed his mind about your agreement that you’re holding onto like dear life?
Why did you even come here to ask when there are clearly only two possible solutions? You know exactly what they are.
AND, you argue with literally everyone that doesn’t agree with you on anything.
What are you on about?
Sick bro ?
Okay well I'm sorry that not living up to these grand expectations, im busy dealing with the fact that I was lied/left in the dark by my partner of 4 years. It's less the kissing than the betrayal and the fact that it took over a month for the truth to come out. I don't care if it's sex or kissing, if you are unfaithful to someone, you show them the respect of telling them when it happens. Not 30 days later.
Also if he was using WiFi, a lot of time your router will store information about browsing history
Not for you maybe, and maybe not if it's the only other behavior she's had to modify, and maybe not if other aspects of the relationship are going perfectly. But for her it is and that's her prerogative.
The porn is concerning if it's some shady shit with minors, but typical Pornhub porn with the “teen” label and young looking 20yo? Not a huge red flag if you ask me, porn is a fantasy, does he have to touch himself looking grannies to not be a creep?
And what the hell is “he gets aroused when i dress up looking youthful”? No shit maam, i'm sure you look better with some tight and short clothes instead of a crochet sweatshirt like most of the people…
Genuinely curious, the two options you give yourself at the end are both getting back in touch with her… Why are you not open to the idea that she doesn't want contact anymore? She's been clear with her feelings and needs, and it seems like so have you. Y'all gave it a shot to stay friends, it didn't work, so next option is to not be friends. It sucks, I'm sure even she isn't exactly stoked at cutting off the friendship. But you are both so young it would be a disservice to both of you to hop into a relationship that neither of you are ready for.
She said no to friendship. Respect that and let her be in charge of next moves. Don't wait, don't pursue her anymore. Live your life, she'll live hers, and things will work out how they're meant to. It might not be what you want at the moment, but it'll be better than convincing her to be with you and having her end up resenting you for that.
Also, you say you could just be friends. Just being honest, you can't. You have a connection that you can't just turn off. It's not that easy.
Does she know how to make herself orgasm? If not, that’s the problem. If so, she should explain what she does or how she does it so you can learn. But if a female can’t make herself orgasm it’s going to be impossible for a man to
Or the first time too. It’s a girl.
She may not get pregnant but what if she has an STD condom helps with both
This is stupid. There isn't such a rule, do as you feel. I think it's better to show her that you like her etc
For iphones you can literally see the day the video was taken and android, you click the 3 dots it will tell you the file name, and the file name will tell you where it was saved from as will as the date it was saved to your phone. This will tell you if it was recorded from her phone or not. If it said 1 week ago on iPhone, just dump her.
Ok now it just got stupid. You actually think it's reasonable to marry someone you hardly know just because her parents want her to get married this year and you happen to be to hand?
Hi, I'd like to clarify further if helps the confusion.
My boyfriend and I are clearly linked on our social platforms – photos together, tags and comments etc.
He has blocked her from being able to message him, so my assumption is that to her I am the next best person to contact.
To address the comment below, she drove him home after their one-night stand so knows where his mother lives as that is where he was based at the time.
I would love to be able to say my current life situation was fantasy, but its certainly not something I enjoy fantasising about, especially the part where I lose my child.
Odds are no. You had protected sex, and if nothing was wrong with the condom, you should be fine. Don’t stress, stress can definitely cause your period to be late.
This type of shit is why the block button exists
No glove no love bro, don’t throw your whole life away
No. She’s being nice.
Yeah, where I live beer in a casual place costs the same as coffee. And I regularly have a beer with friends while our kids play, it doesn't make any of us about to do crazy things.
Yeah, where I live beer in a casual place costs the same as coffee. And I regularly have a beer with friends while our kids play, it doesn't make any of us about to do crazy things.
Ok if it helps with his depression is he doing it with a psychiatrist’s knowledge? Or is he just doing it and not getting created by a doctor at all?
Ok if it helps with his depression is he doing it with a psychiatrist’s knowledge? Or is he just doing it and not getting created by a doctor at all?
Yeah, where I live beer in a casual place costs the same as coffee. And I regularly have a beer with friends while our kids play, it doesn't make any of us about to do crazy things.
To put it really frank and bluntly: this is the kind of person who will kill you and then kill themselves.
Girl open your eyes. LEAVE. Or are you gonna stay till he kills you wtf.
The interesting question here is if he wants to be reminded because he has identified that he is doing something questionable that he needs to deal with, or because he wants to be reminded that he's been in an argument so that he doesn't forget it.
If it's the first, it could be the start of something better. If it's something else…eh…hard to say what it is.
But I still think there are some red flags in your relationship that makes it important that you rethink if you really want a relationship with him or if you want to get out.
I bet your SO is so glad you’re such an open minded person /s
Say you don’t understand in fewer words next time, thanks
Hey, I’m really sorry you’re going through this, but at this point, I think you know you can’t continue this relationship. He didn’t just emotionally cheat on you, he physically cheated too, and only told you about it when he got caught. You will probably never be able to have a healthy relationship with this person, and I think it’s in your best interest to move on and find someone who will devote themselves to you and not make you feel like second choice. It’s hard to see when you’re in it, but you do deserve better than this, I promise.
Plot twist – this post is the white lie /s (I think at this point who knows)