I am answering this as the oldest kid to a dad who wasn't in my life the first 18 years [because the woman he married after I was born didn't want him to be in my life] and only sporadically after that: only choose the side that is in the best interest of the child. Be supportive of both the mother and your husband. Do not vilify her or hold any ill will against her or the child. If you feel yourself becoming resentful, get into therapy as soon as possible to deal with that. Best of luck.
Yah, it sounds like she gave a level of open love, communication, and intimacy in messages to her affair partner that in these 11 years OP has still yet to see. While I do think reconciliation is possible, it’s not it the marital problem that existed before the affair are never changes or addressed.
Plus, OP, if this guy is that worried about you baby trapping him, he don’t trust you. If he’s worried about you stealing his semen, he doesn’t think that highly of you. Plus, he doesn’t trust you. How good could the sex possibly be?
Thank you for your comment. I agree that our relationship is unhealthy and it is both of our fault. We need a heart to heart, you're right. As worried as I am to do this because of what might happen, it can't continue. I appreciate you saying I am being a good husband but having lied to her I don't feel that way.
If someone is robbing you, weapon or not, you aren't likely to resist. It doesn't change the fact that you're being robbed, doesn't change that they took something from you that wasn't theirs to take. You responded out of self preservation.
Your husband raped you. Just because you didn't fight it when he threatened you doesn't change that fact.
You need to have a real sit-down conversation on this. Tell her everything you feel, from the heart. She might not understand this is hurting you. On the flip side, make sure she opens up to you and try to understand and accept what she says. She is your wife; no matter what, look in her eyes, embrace her, tell her you love her and she means the world to you. She probably really needs it.
However, I will also say that it does seem like on paper that shes just worn out from work and its hard to get going as a result. It feels like the two of you really need a vacation to recharge. Maybe try to each get a couple of days off and do a cheap trip or days of relaxation? It could help do a lot for her energy and sex drive.
this is a VERY weird scenario, because while you aren’t official, it’s really kinda weird he felt the need to hide it and lie.
considering the fact you’re not official, the fact he was looking at those images etc etc isn’t really a concern. he’s a guy, you guys aren’t exclusive, you can’t really control what he does.
however, if he’s willing to lie despite all that… that, my friend, is the red flag you’re looking for. all things considered there really shouldn’t be anything to lie about, and the fact he did shows that trustworthiness might be in question. i’d bring it up with him again, honestly; gently, and probably don’t push it all immediately, just drop a “i did some digging, found a thing, and i want to talk about it soon before we label ourselves”. if you push and he gets defensive, continuing to push immediately without the ability to cool down can cause any logic there may be to be overshadowed by emotion on both sides
This is definitely a scam. Don't message this person ever again mainly because it's likely a scam but also because this person is just wasting your time making you wait, likely for reasons that he doesn't want you finding out.
Please don't fall for this again, as anyone looking to date would be willing to meet up and actually date.
He might have been a bit cold in his delivery, but expecting him to rate you 10/10 just because he is your boyfriend is also unrealistic. I don’t think my husband is the hottest guy alive, and no one is perfect. But he is perfect for me. And that’s enough. Similarly, I would never expect him to rate me 10/10.
And fishing for compliments is not a good look either, that might be what set him off in the first place. We want our partners to be confident and not have to question what we think of them. If you feel like your partner isn’t showing you love properly, then you should discuss that with him. If words of affirmation is your love language, have a talk with him about that and explain how he can show his love to you in better ways. But don’t go LOOKING for words of affirmation, he needs to present them naturally for it to actually work.
Be careful. Once you open a relationship, things never go back to the way they were. I honestly don't see this doing your marriage any favors. The fact that your wife is seemingly fine with you sleeping with her best friend is just a sign of that.
But if you do accept this proposition, you're going two have twice as much drama and issues in your life with two women. It's not impossible that after you've been sleeping with the friend for awhile, suddenly your wife finds her libido again and wants to sleep with someone else since you're sleeping with another woman.
Be careful. The problems seem to outweigh the benefits here.
Why are acting like he's losing his hard earned money just because he got married? His wife helped him build him thi business. She's as much owner of the business as he is. Now that he wants to marry another woman, he needs to give op's share to her before moving on. Blaming marriage in this situation is like crying about sharing profit with a business partner.
I more wonder why her phone wasn't in her bag. It was a first date, you concentrate on the person next to you and not on your phone. Was she writing messages while being on the date? I wouldn't be surprised if he was pissed that she was more contact on the phone than on him.
She did mention it was something that she thought about in high school when I asked when the “past” exactly was, but this was when she was kind of backtracking.
I have a feeling if I said I would want to try it she would be all aboard for it. This is why I want to bring it up. I’m not sure if she said all that because of my initial reaction or actually thinks It’s just a “fantasy”. Why else would she even mention it?
Go down to your local animal shelter. Talk to an animal control officer. They'll have the best knowledge on your local animal rights laws
Start the divorce process.
Talk to your police . Either call the non emergency line, or go down to the station.
Text the friend. Simply explain that the cat was yours and not your husband's to give away . You would like the cat back. He will hopefully reply as he said to you. Leave it at that, you'll need it for court.
While it could be completely innocent, the amount of alarm bells that most people would have over being invited on a trip like this is massive.
The fact that it wasn’t an instant no is concerning.
You can and should break up with anyone for whatever reason you want to. So if for you her going on this trip is a dealbreaker, then if she decides to go, send her a text as soon as she steps on the plane, telling her it’s over.
And yes – going on an overseas trip with 7 strangers while in a committed relationship is overstepping the bounds for most anyone
I am answering this as the oldest kid to a dad who wasn't in my life the first 18 years [because the woman he married after I was born didn't want him to be in my life] and only sporadically after that: only choose the side that is in the best interest of the child. Be supportive of both the mother and your husband. Do not vilify her or hold any ill will against her or the child. If you feel yourself becoming resentful, get into therapy as soon as possible to deal with that. Best of luck.
You. Are. Sore.
And even if you were not, if you don't feel like sex, he has to respect that…..
It's a huge red flag the he is pushing you even though you are experiencing pain.
You are both very young so I'll chalk it up to immaturity, but if he doesn't change i would honestly advise to leave him.
I don't know if it's just stupidity though because Idk if he met anyone or not PLUS going on there is cheating to begin with. He had nor eason to
Yah, it sounds like she gave a level of open love, communication, and intimacy in messages to her affair partner that in these 11 years OP has still yet to see. While I do think reconciliation is possible, it’s not it the marital problem that existed before the affair are never changes or addressed.
Plus, OP, if this guy is that worried about you baby trapping him, he don’t trust you. If he’s worried about you stealing his semen, he doesn’t think that highly of you. Plus, he doesn’t trust you. How good could the sex possibly be?
Those are his bodily fluids, he can do with him what he wishes.
This remindes me of the song Seven drunken nigts ?
Thank you for your comment. I agree that our relationship is unhealthy and it is both of our fault. We need a heart to heart, you're right. As worried as I am to do this because of what might happen, it can't continue. I appreciate you saying I am being a good husband but having lied to her I don't feel that way.
If someone is robbing you, weapon or not, you aren't likely to resist. It doesn't change the fact that you're being robbed, doesn't change that they took something from you that wasn't theirs to take. You responded out of self preservation.
Your husband raped you. Just because you didn't fight it when he threatened you doesn't change that fact.
You need to have a real sit-down conversation on this. Tell her everything you feel, from the heart. She might not understand this is hurting you. On the flip side, make sure she opens up to you and try to understand and accept what she says. She is your wife; no matter what, look in her eyes, embrace her, tell her you love her and she means the world to you. She probably really needs it.
However, I will also say that it does seem like on paper that shes just worn out from work and its hard to get going as a result. It feels like the two of you really need a vacation to recharge. Maybe try to each get a couple of days off and do a cheap trip or days of relaxation? It could help do a lot for her energy and sex drive.
Statistically it's one of your brothers. Most sex offenders are 18-30
They always come with but i love him.
Or hes perfect otherwise.
Or he wasn't ever like this.
But he is like this now.. he isn't showing u love now.. he's faaar from perfect now.
So why are we staying again?
this is a VERY weird scenario, because while you aren’t official, it’s really kinda weird he felt the need to hide it and lie.
considering the fact you’re not official, the fact he was looking at those images etc etc isn’t really a concern. he’s a guy, you guys aren’t exclusive, you can’t really control what he does.
however, if he’s willing to lie despite all that… that, my friend, is the red flag you’re looking for. all things considered there really shouldn’t be anything to lie about, and the fact he did shows that trustworthiness might be in question. i’d bring it up with him again, honestly; gently, and probably don’t push it all immediately, just drop a “i did some digging, found a thing, and i want to talk about it soon before we label ourselves”. if you push and he gets defensive, continuing to push immediately without the ability to cool down can cause any logic there may be to be overshadowed by emotion on both sides
Okay.
Even guys that live with mommy in high COL areas:
Still generally have had at least one relationship before their late twenties.
Are proud of their relationship and happy to share their day to day activities, friends, and family with the person they are in a relationship with.
You seem to accept that he treats you as if you are an annoyance at best and a burden at worst.
Why would you??
You are still on an “off and on” mode.
You are all in with your relationship.
He clearly is not.
If he gets frustrated on YOU rather than changing his behaviour then it's one of two things:
the socalled “family events” are no family event. you are just a passtime, when his main interest is somewhere else.
Doesn’t change the fact it’s still a felony
OMG!! Yes!! Even get sister to dress as the devil or something!!
Break up with him already. He is a lousy boyfriend.
This is definitely a scam. Don't message this person ever again mainly because it's likely a scam but also because this person is just wasting your time making you wait, likely for reasons that he doesn't want you finding out.
Please don't fall for this again, as anyone looking to date would be willing to meet up and actually date.
You should post this on r/nonmonogamy instead. People on this sub can’t handle questions like this.
He might have been a bit cold in his delivery, but expecting him to rate you 10/10 just because he is your boyfriend is also unrealistic. I don’t think my husband is the hottest guy alive, and no one is perfect. But he is perfect for me. And that’s enough. Similarly, I would never expect him to rate me 10/10.
And fishing for compliments is not a good look either, that might be what set him off in the first place. We want our partners to be confident and not have to question what we think of them. If you feel like your partner isn’t showing you love properly, then you should discuss that with him. If words of affirmation is your love language, have a talk with him about that and explain how he can show his love to you in better ways. But don’t go LOOKING for words of affirmation, he needs to present them naturally for it to actually work.
Be careful. Once you open a relationship, things never go back to the way they were. I honestly don't see this doing your marriage any favors. The fact that your wife is seemingly fine with you sleeping with her best friend is just a sign of that.
But if you do accept this proposition, you're going two have twice as much drama and issues in your life with two women. It's not impossible that after you've been sleeping with the friend for awhile, suddenly your wife finds her libido again and wants to sleep with someone else since you're sleeping with another woman.
Be careful. The problems seem to outweigh the benefits here.
Why are acting like he's losing his hard earned money just because he got married? His wife helped him build him thi business. She's as much owner of the business as he is. Now that he wants to marry another woman, he needs to give op's share to her before moving on. Blaming marriage in this situation is like crying about sharing profit with a business partner.
I more wonder why her phone wasn't in her bag. It was a first date, you concentrate on the person next to you and not on your phone. Was she writing messages while being on the date? I wouldn't be surprised if he was pissed that she was more contact on the phone than on him.
this a subreddit called relationship advice……weird how i came on here for advice…..lmao. just stating the facts.
Sounds like the pair of you need to grow up.
She did mention it was something that she thought about in high school when I asked when the “past” exactly was, but this was when she was kind of backtracking.
I have a feeling if I said I would want to try it she would be all aboard for it. This is why I want to bring it up. I’m not sure if she said all that because of my initial reaction or actually thinks It’s just a “fantasy”. Why else would she even mention it?
You are. He knows it too, showing him this won't prove anything he doesn't know
Admit that you’re in a relationship.
Yea I think so too mate . But do I text her today or wait couple of days for her to reply
Her sister is not a good person. You can change your actions by admitting to your wife what you participated in.
Go down to your local animal shelter. Talk to an animal control officer. They'll have the best knowledge on your local animal rights laws
Start the divorce process.
Talk to your police . Either call the non emergency line, or go down to the station.
Text the friend. Simply explain that the cat was yours and not your husband's to give away . You would like the cat back. He will hopefully reply as he said to you. Leave it at that, you'll need it for court.
6 months, they've already broken up several times, her ex is in the picture, etc etc… sounds like a damn disaster waiting to happen.
Especially if she doesn’t seem to care about the consequences of not paying, which will all land on me when she leaves.
While it could be completely innocent, the amount of alarm bells that most people would have over being invited on a trip like this is massive.
The fact that it wasn’t an instant no is concerning.
You can and should break up with anyone for whatever reason you want to. So if for you her going on this trip is a dealbreaker, then if she decides to go, send her a text as soon as she steps on the plane, telling her it’s over.
And yes – going on an overseas trip with 7 strangers while in a committed relationship is overstepping the bounds for most anyone
Yes both were selfies