You should blame her. Being drunk isn’t some get out of jail free card that lets you do whatever you want. If you kill or rape someone, is that okay as long as they’re drunk? Of course not.
Your friends mom is a predator. Stay away from her and tell your parents what she’s done. She’s probably done this to a lot of your friends, and maybe worse. You need to tell your parents about this. And stop going around your friends creepy gross mom.
Real talk: Part of becoming a healthy adult means you don’t actually need your parents. You can thrive on your own, make your own choices and learn from the outcomes.
You’re at a crossroads now.
You’re becoming painfully aware that your parents have a dysfunctional marriage, and your mother is a textbook narcissist. She is emotionally and verbally abusive. She is literally threatening harm (on herself) to control your adult relationships.
The problem is that you’re approaching her as if she’s a reasonable person. There is nothing reasonable about narcissism. She will hold the “I sacrificed everything for you” card over your head for any reason, as long as you let her. In her eyes, you’re not an independent person. You’re her hostage.
Your only tool right now is affirming very strong boundaries.
Do not lie to her, and do not give in to her lunacy.
Tell her straight, “I don’t actually need your approval. If we talk on the phone and say anything bad about him, I will immediately hang up. If you continue to insult him, I will block your number. I’d you want a relationship with me going forward, it will not be on your terms. You have to understand and accept that what is important to me. And while you’re important too, at this age – I only want your love and support, not narrow racist views or attempts to control my life. Understand that this man may one day be your grandchildren’s father. And if we have children, I will keep them from you if you don’t change. Do I make myself clear?”
It’s not going to be pretty. And there will be a backlash you’re going to need to handle. But it’s for the best. And I assume you’ve been pretty conflict avoidant up until this point. But this needs to happen, sooner or later.
I’m telling you this as an first gen immigrant myself, whose lived some version of this your story. And heck, I’ve also been in your boyfriends shoes. You lay the foundation for boundaries in your 20s and it’ll be rough. And it won’t change overnight. But by your 30s, you’ll either have a decent relationship with parents that respect you… or they’re out of the picture, mostly, and you’ll still be free.
JFC I think the amount you paid originally is wild – 50k??? WTAF. And how are you supposed to pay that when you’re already borrowing for the wedding? What is she paying for? And does she not care about securing your financial future? I can’t imagine marrying someone like this because it won’t end here – she will always want to spend beyond your means (and it doesn’t matter how much you’re making – if you’re borrowing to pay for the wedding then this is beyond your means).
Yeah for real. Even if she does start respecting your “no”, a person like this will cheat. Even if it doesn’t involve physical sex, they will 100% cheat on you eventually
For him it’s not a vacation, it was a trip to see his family and friends and that’s okay. You wanted to play tourist, and that was okay. What wasn’t okay was that you two didn’t discuss the trip before you actually went. It’s not his fault.
What I don’t get is how his desire to walk to the beach meant you couldn’t swim. This point makes me think you’re exaggerating because A 20 minute walk at 7am would have given you at least a couple of hours of swimming before returning.
Dude, kick ass on taking that first step which is almost like a cliff dive. I hope you and your wife get all the years plus more from this. Good luck! Keep on keeping on!
Fair enough, peeps. I can see that now, still feel like bf could’ve been a little nicer rather than blameful for me manipulating him, I did behave immature tho.
S:
*Separate completely
If he wants to stick to traditional roles, then he needs to do HIS! Woman stays at home to do all those things and man pays for ALL the expenses.
Tell him that men are the provider and ask him how he feels if you quit your job?
Honestly, just talk to her mate. Y'all should've been communicating
You should blame her. Being drunk isn’t some get out of jail free card that lets you do whatever you want. If you kill or rape someone, is that okay as long as they’re drunk? Of course not.
Your friends mom is a predator. Stay away from her and tell your parents what she’s done. She’s probably done this to a lot of your friends, and maybe worse. You need to tell your parents about this. And stop going around your friends creepy gross mom.
Real talk: Part of becoming a healthy adult means you don’t actually need your parents. You can thrive on your own, make your own choices and learn from the outcomes.
You’re at a crossroads now.
You’re becoming painfully aware that your parents have a dysfunctional marriage, and your mother is a textbook narcissist. She is emotionally and verbally abusive. She is literally threatening harm (on herself) to control your adult relationships.
The problem is that you’re approaching her as if she’s a reasonable person. There is nothing reasonable about narcissism. She will hold the “I sacrificed everything for you” card over your head for any reason, as long as you let her. In her eyes, you’re not an independent person. You’re her hostage.
Your only tool right now is affirming very strong boundaries.
Do not lie to her, and do not give in to her lunacy.
Tell her straight, “I don’t actually need your approval. If we talk on the phone and say anything bad about him, I will immediately hang up. If you continue to insult him, I will block your number. I’d you want a relationship with me going forward, it will not be on your terms. You have to understand and accept that what is important to me. And while you’re important too, at this age – I only want your love and support, not narrow racist views or attempts to control my life. Understand that this man may one day be your grandchildren’s father. And if we have children, I will keep them from you if you don’t change. Do I make myself clear?”
It’s not going to be pretty. And there will be a backlash you’re going to need to handle. But it’s for the best. And I assume you’ve been pretty conflict avoidant up until this point. But this needs to happen, sooner or later.
I’m telling you this as an first gen immigrant myself, whose lived some version of this your story. And heck, I’ve also been in your boyfriends shoes. You lay the foundation for boundaries in your 20s and it’ll be rough. And it won’t change overnight. But by your 30s, you’ll either have a decent relationship with parents that respect you… or they’re out of the picture, mostly, and you’ll still be free.
What is with young women going for men 10 years older than them??!
JFC I think the amount you paid originally is wild – 50k??? WTAF. And how are you supposed to pay that when you’re already borrowing for the wedding? What is she paying for? And does she not care about securing your financial future? I can’t imagine marrying someone like this because it won’t end here – she will always want to spend beyond your means (and it doesn’t matter how much you’re making – if you’re borrowing to pay for the wedding then this is beyond your means).
Fr, my karma is because I’m a loser with no life outside Reddit plus I’m fucking funny as hell
Yeah for real. Even if she does start respecting your “no”, a person like this will cheat. Even if it doesn’t involve physical sex, they will 100% cheat on you eventually
For him it’s not a vacation, it was a trip to see his family and friends and that’s okay. You wanted to play tourist, and that was okay. What wasn’t okay was that you two didn’t discuss the trip before you actually went. It’s not his fault.
What I don’t get is how his desire to walk to the beach meant you couldn’t swim. This point makes me think you’re exaggerating because A 20 minute walk at 7am would have given you at least a couple of hours of swimming before returning.
Dude, kick ass on taking that first step which is almost like a cliff dive. I hope you and your wife get all the years plus more from this. Good luck! Keep on keeping on!
Fair enough, peeps. I can see that now, still feel like bf could’ve been a little nicer rather than blameful for me manipulating him, I did behave immature tho.