You sound really young. Don’t put up with nonsense. There are tons of people out there and you have loads of time. You will find someone who is sure about you.
It sounds like you're both not really ready for a serious relationship. All relationships rely on good communication, but this is especially important for LDR. Once he said it was “too far gone” it was over. It sounds like he tried to fix things with you but it didn't work for him, so he had to throw in the towel.
Well, for one, if you look up the articles on who is more likely to seek out mental health, that would be women. so the whole “they are diagnosed with anxiety more” is based on very little info given, MRIs are not the most reliable source, because it can only show so much (there are articles about that as well), and also, science daily isn't a reliable source, and I don't find a fashion magazine as a reliable source for info either. But I do appreciate you trying to inform me, because I do recognize I was focused on the “jealousy” aspect and not on the “overthinking”, although I still think the person I am replying to is wrong in their accusations.
He sounds like a douche. His behaviour makes me wonder if he’s pulling the classic coward move of acting like a jerk so you’ll dump him. He doesn’t want to come off as the bad guy to others by breaking up with you so close to your birthday/anniversary.
I can see both sides here. I used to see things like this from the outside as very black and white. Slap a label on it, be the judge and jury, and project a “deserved” future for the parties involved.
Would I have done what you did? Actually, yes, because my story is very similar. But I’m not ok with that, nor would I encourage someone to do the same thing.
My marriage began after finding out my now-ex had lied about three different women during the first year or so of us dating. One he pursued long distance for the first 7 months of our relationship, one he slept with, another he fooled around with at a work Christmas party. He lied to my face, and the only reason I ever knew anything was because a friend of mine told me. He didn’t deny at that point, but didn’t apologise. I had no self worth, so stayed in the relationship. We found out we were expecting our first daughter two weeks later. We married. He continued to deceive. He kept all his exes in his life, even tho they had crap for boundaries. He gaslit. I would try to discuss issues in the marriage with calm “I” statements, and would be verbally annihilated in response. I said very straightforwardly from year 1 that I was lonely and sad. He didn’t communicate when we weren’t in the same place, and I felt like a roommate. He never had any intention of rebuilding trust because he felt I should automatically just trust him. In year 4 of our marriage, he gambled behind my back and later lied about it. I didn’t realize it then, but that’s basically when I was done.
In year 5, I didn’t want to be alive anymore, and felt like a crazy person because of the gaslighting. I was desperately lonely. I met someone through an online gaming community. There was zero intention of anything inappropriate, and up to that point, I’d very carefully guarded my interactions outside of my marriage to protect it. But I met someone who wanted to know me with zero demands for anything aside from conversation. When I was alone on nights and weekends because ex worked, he kept me company from 2000 miles away. I mentioned this guy among other gamers I’d chat with occasionally to my ex, and he didn’t have issue with it…but I didn’t tell him the extent of our talking. A few months in, this guy flew out to meet me. Just meet. Zero expectation, and absolutely nothing happened. Without a play by play, a lot happened, we had seasons of zero communication, and eventually my ex knew the extent of our talking. Much like yourself, this is when he actually realised he could lose his wife. He wanted to fix things, but I couldn’t see a foundation to build from. I’d done my best to make him happy, and I’d done a good job. But he and his family have such a vague relationship with truth, that everything coming out of their mouths gets an asterisk for fact check. It made me feel insane.
In year 10, we separated households. We also moved across the county within range of the other guy. Once households were split, I pursued a relationship with the other guy. 2.5 years later, we are engaged.
BUT. Am I without guilt? No. Does that weigh heavy? Yup. Also, my ex’s version of the story told to others is that he had the best marriage ever and I ran off with someone else. A very edited story, but one I get to know is told to friends and family alike. My friends and family all knew the truth of the marriage and the other guy in real time – from year 1 of marriage onward. They are supportive, but not without lament that the end of one relationship and the start of another wasn’t cleaner. I agree with them. I’ll add that even after 5 years of knowing someone from a distance, I certainly wasn’t completely prepared for day-to-day reality. We still work, but he isn’t what my mind had filled in the gaps with. Just be prepared for that. My kids adore him, and he is a wonderful almost-step-parent to them. He is actually more present in their lives than their dad, and I’m thankful for that. But it isn’t without weight.
Is there a dark side to Reddit? People keep saying people are cheating up here and having naked stuff shown up here, but I don’t see any of that (and don’t want to). I’m just wondering because I get temporary bans doe cal people names, but you can show your whole ass up here? Hmmm. Interesting. I’m sorry for about your husband. If you confront him, he’s just going to hide it better in the future. I just say keep a quiet eye on it to see if he does anything crazy. Sorry.
IMO it doesn't matter why he behaves this way. The simple fact is that he treats you very disrespectfully, and you don't need someone like that in your life.
IMO it doesn't matter why he behaves this way. The simple fact is that he treats you very disrespectfully, and you don't need someone like that in your life.
Maybe it wasn't clear in my post but G. actually started flirting with me around December, so three months after the breakup. I had started medications as well as therapy at that point so I had already started healing
You’ve communicated your feelings and he doesn’t seem to care. Is this behavior something you want to deal with for the rest of your life? To me, this comes off as he has lost feelings for you but he doesn’t want to be alone/maybe for financial reasons he doesn’t want to break up.
You deserve to be happy, so if he isn’t meeting your needs and won’t change then it sounds like it is time to break up and move on.
Don't be so desperate to have her as a friend. Just be friendly and platonic. If you're compatible as friends (and she wants you as a friend) it'll be organic.
That whole, “I opened up one night…(that) I enjoyed her company and appreciated her and let her know if she need to talk I’m there for her”…do you talk to your potential men friends like that?
I make the hypothesis that there is an infidelity story in the parents' generation. would you bet that sister reproduced the misbehavior of her mother or grand-mother ?
It wouldn't ruin my break. He's definitely someone I have a lot of love for and we get along well, but romantically not there. It's not a romantic trip so I feel like he would have some great memories, not necessarily with me.
We didn't get angry at each other. He vented to me about his worries, I listened and internalized them. If anything, I'd say that's good communication!
The problem arose when he associated my going quiet and thinking with me being upset with him. I let him know I wasn't once I saw he too seemed deep in thought.
If he's upset with me for anything, it's because I made him feel like I was upset with him over money. He's been supporting me and this week has been tough, so it's a bit of a touchy subject. Not because of the money but because he despises ingratitude. It's also a bit triggering as we've had some emotional trouble in the past.
You sound really young. Don’t put up with nonsense. There are tons of people out there and you have loads of time. You will find someone who is sure about you.
Time to move on.
It sounds like you're both not really ready for a serious relationship. All relationships rely on good communication, but this is especially important for LDR. Once he said it was “too far gone” it was over. It sounds like he tried to fix things with you but it didn't work for him, so he had to throw in the towel.
Well, for one, if you look up the articles on who is more likely to seek out mental health, that would be women. so the whole “they are diagnosed with anxiety more” is based on very little info given, MRIs are not the most reliable source, because it can only show so much (there are articles about that as well), and also, science daily isn't a reliable source, and I don't find a fashion magazine as a reliable source for info either. But I do appreciate you trying to inform me, because I do recognize I was focused on the “jealousy” aspect and not on the “overthinking”, although I still think the person I am replying to is wrong in their accusations.
He sounds like a douche. His behaviour makes me wonder if he’s pulling the classic coward move of acting like a jerk so you’ll dump him. He doesn’t want to come off as the bad guy to others by breaking up with you so close to your birthday/anniversary.
I can see both sides here. I used to see things like this from the outside as very black and white. Slap a label on it, be the judge and jury, and project a “deserved” future for the parties involved.
Would I have done what you did? Actually, yes, because my story is very similar. But I’m not ok with that, nor would I encourage someone to do the same thing.
My marriage began after finding out my now-ex had lied about three different women during the first year or so of us dating. One he pursued long distance for the first 7 months of our relationship, one he slept with, another he fooled around with at a work Christmas party. He lied to my face, and the only reason I ever knew anything was because a friend of mine told me. He didn’t deny at that point, but didn’t apologise. I had no self worth, so stayed in the relationship. We found out we were expecting our first daughter two weeks later. We married. He continued to deceive. He kept all his exes in his life, even tho they had crap for boundaries. He gaslit. I would try to discuss issues in the marriage with calm “I” statements, and would be verbally annihilated in response. I said very straightforwardly from year 1 that I was lonely and sad. He didn’t communicate when we weren’t in the same place, and I felt like a roommate. He never had any intention of rebuilding trust because he felt I should automatically just trust him. In year 4 of our marriage, he gambled behind my back and later lied about it. I didn’t realize it then, but that’s basically when I was done.
In year 5, I didn’t want to be alive anymore, and felt like a crazy person because of the gaslighting. I was desperately lonely. I met someone through an online gaming community. There was zero intention of anything inappropriate, and up to that point, I’d very carefully guarded my interactions outside of my marriage to protect it. But I met someone who wanted to know me with zero demands for anything aside from conversation. When I was alone on nights and weekends because ex worked, he kept me company from 2000 miles away. I mentioned this guy among other gamers I’d chat with occasionally to my ex, and he didn’t have issue with it…but I didn’t tell him the extent of our talking. A few months in, this guy flew out to meet me. Just meet. Zero expectation, and absolutely nothing happened. Without a play by play, a lot happened, we had seasons of zero communication, and eventually my ex knew the extent of our talking. Much like yourself, this is when he actually realised he could lose his wife. He wanted to fix things, but I couldn’t see a foundation to build from. I’d done my best to make him happy, and I’d done a good job. But he and his family have such a vague relationship with truth, that everything coming out of their mouths gets an asterisk for fact check. It made me feel insane.
In year 10, we separated households. We also moved across the county within range of the other guy. Once households were split, I pursued a relationship with the other guy. 2.5 years later, we are engaged.
BUT. Am I without guilt? No. Does that weigh heavy? Yup. Also, my ex’s version of the story told to others is that he had the best marriage ever and I ran off with someone else. A very edited story, but one I get to know is told to friends and family alike. My friends and family all knew the truth of the marriage and the other guy in real time – from year 1 of marriage onward. They are supportive, but not without lament that the end of one relationship and the start of another wasn’t cleaner. I agree with them. I’ll add that even after 5 years of knowing someone from a distance, I certainly wasn’t completely prepared for day-to-day reality. We still work, but he isn’t what my mind had filled in the gaps with. Just be prepared for that. My kids adore him, and he is a wonderful almost-step-parent to them. He is actually more present in their lives than their dad, and I’m thankful for that. But it isn’t without weight.
Is there a dark side to Reddit? People keep saying people are cheating up here and having naked stuff shown up here, but I don’t see any of that (and don’t want to). I’m just wondering because I get temporary bans doe cal people names, but you can show your whole ass up here? Hmmm. Interesting. I’m sorry for about your husband. If you confront him, he’s just going to hide it better in the future. I just say keep a quiet eye on it to see if he does anything crazy. Sorry.
IMO it doesn't matter why he behaves this way. The simple fact is that he treats you very disrespectfully, and you don't need someone like that in your life.
IMO it doesn't matter why he behaves this way. The simple fact is that he treats you very disrespectfully, and you don't need someone like that in your life.
Maybe it wasn't clear in my post but G. actually started flirting with me around December, so three months after the breakup. I had started medications as well as therapy at that point so I had already started healing
You’ve communicated your feelings and he doesn’t seem to care. Is this behavior something you want to deal with for the rest of your life? To me, this comes off as he has lost feelings for you but he doesn’t want to be alone/maybe for financial reasons he doesn’t want to break up.
You deserve to be happy, so if he isn’t meeting your needs and won’t change then it sounds like it is time to break up and move on.
Yup, can kill you out of nowhere
Don't be so desperate to have her as a friend. Just be friendly and platonic. If you're compatible as friends (and she wants you as a friend) it'll be organic.
That whole, “I opened up one night…(that) I enjoyed her company and appreciated her and let her know if she need to talk I’m there for her”…do you talk to your potential men friends like that?
I make the hypothesis that there is an infidelity story in the parents' generation. would you bet that sister reproduced the misbehavior of her mother or grand-mother ?
It wouldn't ruin my break. He's definitely someone I have a lot of love for and we get along well, but romantically not there. It's not a romantic trip so I feel like he would have some great memories, not necessarily with me.
We didn't get angry at each other. He vented to me about his worries, I listened and internalized them. If anything, I'd say that's good communication!
The problem arose when he associated my going quiet and thinking with me being upset with him. I let him know I wasn't once I saw he too seemed deep in thought.
If he's upset with me for anything, it's because I made him feel like I was upset with him over money. He's been supporting me and this week has been tough, so it's a bit of a touchy subject. Not because of the money but because he despises ingratitude. It's also a bit triggering as we've had some emotional trouble in the past.
Darling, read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. You can find a free pdf online.
Does his behavior seem to fit? Please take care of yourself and start making an exit plan. You are not safe.